Page 43 of Trust

I stare at him, still uncomprehending. I don’t understand.

Adam—

This isn’t Adam.

“It’ll feel good for you, though,” I say in a small voice, afraid that I’ve done something to piss him off. “And I don’t mind. It just takes me a second to get used to it, that’s all.”

Ilya shakes his head. “No. It won’t feel good for me if I’m worried that you’re in pain or not enjoying yourself.”

I can’t make sense of it.

On one hand, I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, but on the other, doesn’t he want pleasure?

I can’t tell if I’m relieved or disappointed, either.

“Okay,” I say. “But?—”

The look on his face has me abandoning that sentence, and when I go back to sucking his cock, I feel more confused about the whole thing.

Ilya Zima is a violent Russian gangster. He’s cold and uncaring.

Despite that, he’s showing me more consideration than… than Adam does.

Adam likes it when I choke.

Adam wants to see me tearing up while I take his cock.

Ilya lets out a small sigh, gently nudging me back. “Micah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” I whisper. “I did.”

I should’ve known it would go poorly.

“No, you didn’t,” Ilya says. “I wanted to give you something you liked, but now I scared you. I’m sorry.” He lets out a deep, rumbling chuckle. “I’m good at scaring people.”

I blink up at him, surprised. “Scare me? You didn’t scare me? I just thought I made you mad, that’s all.”

For all that I know he’s supposed to be a big, scary Russian mobster, I can’t bring myself to look at him in that light — for better or for worse.

Ilya pauses, then he says, “I don’t want to hurt you. Do you really enjoy choking on cock? Don’t say you’re fine with it, or it doesn’t matter. Do youenjoyit?”

My kneejerk reaction is to say that yes, of course I do, but the way he’s asking me makes me really consider it. Do I?

I pause, then finally nod. I do enjoy it when I have control of it. When I do get to set the pace, I like it. I like the way it feels, the triumph I feel when I manage to take it all. “Yes,” I say. “It’s a challenge I like to succeed at. Just… let me set the pace?”

Is that too much to ask? My mouth is dry again.

Ilya looks down at me, considering. His cheeks are flushed red, though, and his eyes are wider than before. “All right. Take what you need from me, Micah.”

“Only if you’re comfortable with it,” I croak out. “If you don’t like it, I don’t want to— to force you.”

I would never do that to someone.

Now Ilya smiles again. “It would be a very strange day if you could force me to do anything, Micah.” He takes hold of my hair again and guides me back against his cock. “Swallow me whole. Do it.”

I shiver with anticipation, though his words still ring in my ears. I’ll just have to do better, to show him how good it feels, to show him how good it makesmefeel when I descend into that place where the discomfort is good. Where up is down and left is right, where everything is perfect.

I start slowly, working my way back up to it.