Page 40 of Trust

I have to acknowledge for the first time that maybe I’m not doing this because I have to, that maybe I’m doing this because Iwantto.

To thank him for helping me, maybe.

Or maybe to have somethinggoodin this train wreck of an evening.

It’s wrong.

I’m with Adam.

And no matter how much I try to tell myself that this isforAdam, I know better.

This feels too good, too welcome, for it to be anything other than selfish.

I don’t know when this went from being a task to something I want, but I can’t deny that my interest goes beyond what Adam is demanding of me.

Ilya scoots closer, and before I can question myself, I press my head against his thigh. I feel him tense, and ice water douses the growing fire in the pit of my stomach.

“Sorry,” I mumble. “I shouldn’t have?—”

“You should,” Ilya answers firmly. “I want to keep you close, Micah. I want to touch you. But if you say you don’t want me, if you say you aren’t interested in me, I won’t do that.”

I swallow hard, licking my lips as I think about how I should proceed. “It’s not that I’m not interested,” I say, my voice cracking. “It’s only that I don’t want to cheat. Maybe we didn’t actually break up for real.”

Ilya gives me a gentle smile. The beard softens his features, makes him look kind. I can’t imagine Adam with a beard.

“There are two people who can make that choice, Micah,” Ilya says. He lightly strokes my head. “But it is not my decision. It’s yours.”

I shiver at the feeling, leaning in to the touch. It’s so gentle that I can barely stand it, and I expect him to grab hold of my hair and pull it hard.

It wouldn’t be a bad thing; I don’t mind it when things get a little rough.

But at the same time, I love that Ilya touches me like I’m something precious instead of something to use.

“I should break up with him,” I say quietly. “After what happened. It wasn’t right.”

The words sit heavily in the silence.

I’m lying, I remind myself. This is so that Ilya will trust me. I’m notreallybreaking up with Adam.

Why does it feel so good to say the words though? I should be feeling guilty, not borderline relieved!

“It wasn’t right,” Ilya agrees. “I am a terrible man, Micah, but even I would never leave a restaurant without paying.”

I let out a weak laugh. “No? But what have you done, Ilya?”

This is what I’m here to learn.

Do I even want to know for sure?

Spread your legs and get him to confide in you.

Ilya turns away from me and looks down at his hands. “I have many sins staining my hands, Micah. You are an innocent man, one of a few in this harsh world. You are not safe with Adam, but you will not be safe with me either.”

Is that a confession about all his dark crimes?

But that’s not enough to arrest him. Adam would laugh at me if I told him about vague “sins.”

It’s not like I’m unfamiliar with trouble.