Page 43 of Trained In Sin

Saphy

"He's not at any of his usual places," I tell Beth as I collapse onto her sofa, exhausted from a day of fruitless searching. "It's like he's just vanished."

Beth sits beside me, her expression thoughtful. "What about Matthew? He seemed genuinely worried about Sebastian. Maybe he knows more than he told us."

"He said Sebastian fired him. How could he help us find him?"

"Because despite being fired, he still cares about his boss. And because he's the one who came to you in the first place. Plus, he’ll still have connections with the rest of Blackwoods security and tech lot."

She's right. Matthew went out of his way to make me understand Sebastian's motives. Maybe he'd be willing to help me find him too.

"Do you have his number?"

"No, but I know where to find him."

*

Twenty minutes later, we're standing outside a modest flat in Canary Wharf. Beth presses the intercom button, and we wait.

"Yes? "

"Matthew, it's Beth. I'm here with Saphy."

How on earth does Beth know where he lives?

A pause, then the door buzzes open. We find Matthew on the third floor, looking even more dishevelled than before. His flat is sparse, functional, the home of a man who spends most of his time elsewhere.

"Any luck finding him?" he asks without preamble.

"None. He's not at Syren, not at Pulse, not anywhere I can think of. His security teams won't tell me anything."

Matthew runs a hand through his hair. "I don’t think even they know where he is,”

"But you must have some way of reaching him. Some emergency protocol?"

"I've been trying for three days. He's ignoring everyone."

Beth steps forward. "Matthew, we need to find him. Saphy needs to find him.”

"It's more than that," I add quietly. "I think... I think I'm in love with him. The real him, not the version of him I created in my head."

Matthew studies my face for a long moment, as if trying to determine whether I'm sincere. Finally, he nods.

"There might be a way. Sebastian's car has GPS tracking, standard security protocol. If I can access the system... I’m not techy, it’s why I didn’t think of it before. But I’ll give it a shot. "

He moves to his laptop, fingers flying over the keyboard. "Danny's team handles all the technical surveillance. If I can get into their system without authorization..." He trails off, concentrating.

"Is that legal?" Beth asks.

"Probably not. But letting someone self-destruct because they think no one cares about them, isn’t exactly right in my book either." Matthew's fingers pause over the keyboard. "There. Got it."

"Where is he?"

"Wales. Middle of nowhere, from the looks of it.”

"Wales?" I blink in surprise. "What's he doing in Wales?"

"Hiding. From you, from me, from everyone who might try to talk sense into him."

I'm already reaching for my jacket. "How far is it?"

"Five hours by car. Maybe six, depending on traffic."

"I need to go. Now."

Matthew stands. "I'll drive you."

"You don't have to…."

"Yes, I do. Sebastian fired me, but that doesn't mean I stop caring about what happens to him. And if there's a chance you can reach him when no one else can..." He shrugs. "Then I'm driving you to Wales."

*

The drive feels endless. Matthew navigates the motorways while I sit in the back seat, my mind racing with everything I want to say to Sebastian.

How to explain that I understand now. How to apologise for running away when he was trying to protect me.

Beth sits in the front, occasionally making hushed conversation with Matthew, but I tune them out.

How can I tell him that Matthew was right, I am falling in love with him.

"What if he won't see me?" I ask as we cross into Wales.

"He'll see you," Matthew says with certainty.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because you're the reason he's hiding. You're the only person who can make him stop."

The village we arrive in, is exactly as remote as Matthew suggested, ancient stone buildings nestled in a valley, surrounded by rolling hills and farmland. The GPS leads us to a small cottage on the outskirts, isolated and overlooking a stream.

Sebastian's Range Rover is parked outside, but the cottage looks dark, lifeless.

"Are you sure he's here?" Beth asks.

Matthew checks his laptop. "GPS says he is. Car hasn't moved in three days. "

I take a deep breath, steeling myself. "I'm going in."

"Do you want us to come with you?"

"No. This is something I need to do alone."

I walk up the stone path to the cottage door, my heart hammering against my ribs. What if Matthew's wrong? What if Sebastian refuses to see me, refuses to listen?

What if I'm too late?

I knock on the door and wait. No answer.

I knock again, harder this time. "Sebastian? It's Saphy. I know you're in there."

Still nothing.

I try the door handle, and to my surprise, it's unlocked. I push it open slowly.

"Sebastian?"

The cottage is small, dimly lit by the last rays of daylight filtering through dirty windows. I can see Sebastian immediately, he's sitting in a chair by the window, a bottle of whisky on the table beside him, staring out at the hills.

He looks terrible. His usually immaculate appearance has completely fallen apart. Stubble darkens his jaw, his hair is dishevelled, his shirt wrinkled and stained. He looks like a man who's given up on everything.

"How did you find me?" His voice is hoarse, barely above a whisper .

"Matthew. He's worried about you."

"I fired Matthew. Interfering prick."

"That doesn't mean he stopped caring." I step further into the cottage, closing the door behind me. "Just like me walking away doesn't mean I stopped caring either."

Sebastian doesn't look at me, just continues staring out the window. "You should go, Saphy. You were right to leave me. I’m a monster.”

"You're not a monster."

"Yes, I am." He picks up the whisky bottle, taking a long drink directly from it. "I kill people who threaten what's mine. I manipulate situations to get what I want. I make decisions for others without consulting them. What the fuck am I?”

I move closer, noting the empty bottles scattered around the chair, the way his hands shake slightly. "Someone who eliminates predators who hurt children. Someone who protects people he cares about. Someone who's never learned how to love without trying to control."

"Eliminates. Controls. Sounds like a fucking monster to me.”

"No, it's not." I kneel beside his chair, forcing him to look at me. "Sebastian, I know what Damon really was. I know about the files, the network, the children he hurt. I know you didn't kill him because you were jealous, you killed him because he was the monster."

For the first time, Sebastian meets my eyes. There's so much pain there, so much self-loathing, that it takes my breath away .

"You hate me," he says simply. "I saw it in your face at the police station. The disgust, the rejection. I've seen that look before."

"When?"

"When my mother walked away. When she realised what kind of child she'd created." His voice breaks slightly. "I thought... I thought this could be different. Us. Maybe you could see past what I am. But you looked at me exactly the same way. I don’t blame you. I’m abnormal."

My heart breaks for the little boy who was abandoned, who's spent his whole life expecting rejection and finally receiving it from the one person he'd let himself love.

"I wasn't disgusted by you," I say quietly.

"I was terrified by how much I wanted you despite what you'd done.

I was scared because watching you kill someone horrified me, but part of me was glad.

Part of me was grateful that you'd eliminated a threat to me, to innocent children, and that scared me more than anything. "

Sebastian stares at me, confusion replacing some of the pain in his eyes.

"I ran because I didn't know how to reconcile the woman I thought I was with the woman who could love someone capable of murder. I ran because loving you means accepting that sometimes violence is the answer, and I wasn't ready for that."

"And now?"

"Now I understand that you didn't choose violence for the sake of violence. You chose to protect me. You chose to stop someone who was hurting children. You chose justice over law, and maybe that makes you dangerous, but it doesn't make you wrong. "

I reach for his hands, noting how cold they are.

"Sebastian, you saved me from something I didn't even know I needed saving from.

You eliminated a predator who was using me as cover to hurt children.

And then you let me hate you for it rather than burden me with the knowledge of what Damon really was. "

"I should have told you the truth immediately."

"Yes, you should have. But I understand why you didn't. You were trying to protect me from a different kind of pain."

"I was trying to control the situation. To manage your reaction."

"Yes, that too. But the intention behind it..." I squeeze his hands. "You were trying to love me the only way you know how."

Sebastian pulls his hands free, standing abruptly and moving away from me. "It doesn't matter. The intention doesn't change what I am."

"What are you?"

"A killer. Someone who solves problems with violence. Someone who can't love without trying to possess."

"You're also someone who spent three weeks searching for me when I disappeared.

Someone who fired his most loyal employee rather than risk him getting involved in your self-destruction.

Someone who's sitting in a cottage in Wales drinking himself to death because he thinks he's lost the woman he loves. "

Sebastian turns to face me, his expression unreadable. "How do you know I love you? "

"Because Matthew told me. Because I can see it in the way you're falling apart without me. Because someone who didn't love me wouldn't be this destroyed by my rejection."

"And what am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to love you without trying to control you? How am I supposed to protect you without making decisions for you?"