Page 39 of Trained In Sin

"One more question, and then we're nearly finished. Do you have any idea who might have wanted to harm Mr. Phillips? Anyone who knew about his illegal activities?"

The question I've been dreading. I look at Carmichael, who nods slightly.

"No," I say. "I had no idea about any of this. I thought he was just... upset about our breakup. "

"That's understandable. Based on our investigation, we believe Mr. Phillips' death was connected to his criminal activities, possibly someone from his network who saw him as a liability."

The irony is crushing. They think he was killed by other criminals involved in child abuse. They have no idea he was killed by a man who was trying to protect me from what he'd discovered about Damon's true nature.

They have no idea that Sebastian knew. Somehow, Sebastian had discovered what Damon really was.

"That's all the questions I have for now," Chen says, closing her file. "Thank you for your time, Ms. Jenkins. I know this was difficult."

"What happens now?"

"We continue our investigation into Mr. Phillips' network and try to identify other victims. Your information has been very helpful."

The interview is over, but I feel like I'm moving underwater as we leave the room. Carmichael guides me back to the waiting area, where I can see Sebastian and Matthew deep in conversation. Beth is pacing nearby, shooting suspicious glances in their direction.

"Ms. Jenkins," Carmichael says quietly, "are you going to be all right? Do you have somewhere safe to stay?"

"Yes. With Beth."

"Good. If the police need to speak with you again, they'll contact you through my office. Here's my card, call me if you have any questions or concerns. "

He shakes my hand and leaves, and suddenly I'm standing in the police station waiting area, reeling from what I've learned. Beth appears at my side immediately.

"How did it go? You look terrible."

"Can we... can we just get out of here? I'll explain in the car."

But as we head toward the exit, Sebastian stands up.

Our eyes meet across the waiting area, and I see something in his expression that I haven't seen before.

Not just the predatory intensity, but something else.

Like he knows exactly what I've just learned and how it's affecting me.

I practically stumble out of the station, Beth at my elbow and Sebastian and Matthew two steps behind.

He takes a step toward me, and this time I don't immediately flee. But I don't move closer either.

"You know," I say, my voice barely controlled. "You knew what he was."

"Yes."

"How long?"

"I started investigating him the night he threatened you. The full truth came out just before I..." He doesn't finish the sentence, but he doesn't need to.

The anger hits me like a wave. "Why didn't you tell me? Right away, when you found out?"

"Would you have believed me? Or would you have thought I was trying to manipulate you into hating him? "

The question stings because I know the answer, but it doesn't diminish my fury. "You let me think you killed him because you were jealous. You let me run away thinking you were a monster who murdered someone out of possession."

"I tried to explain…."

"You tried to tell me he was dangerous. You didn't try to tell me he was a fucking paedophile!

" My voice rises, drawing stares from other people in the waiting area.

"Do you know what the last three weeks have been like?

Do you know what it's done to me, thinking I was complicit in an innocent man's death? "

Sebastian's jaw tightens. "He wasn't innocent."

"I know that now! But I didn't know it then. You let me torture myself with guilt over someone who..." I can't finish the sentence. Can't say the words about what Damon really was.

"You wouldn't have listened. You were already convinced I was the villain."

"Because you killed someone in front of me!" The words come out as a hiss. "You strangled him with your bare hands and then told me it was done like you were discussing the weather."

"He was trying to kidnap you. He pulled a knife on me. What did you expect me to do?"

"Call the police! Let them handle it! Let them discover what he really was through proper channels instead of taking justice into your own hands!"

Sebastian steps closer, his voice dropping to that dangerous whisper I remember.

"The police would have taken weeks to build a case.

In the meantime, he would have been free to hurt you, or other children, or destroy evidence.

How many victims was I supposed to let him claim while we waited for the system to catch up? "

The argument has merit, but I'm too angry to acknowledge it. Too hurt by three weeks of unnecessary agony.

"That wasn't your choice to make. And it definitely wasn't your choice to let me think I was protecting a murderer by staying silent."

"You were protecting yourself by staying silent. Just like you're protecting yourself now by staying angry at me instead of processing what you've learned about the man you lived with for three years."

The psychological insight hits too close to home, making me even angrier. "Don't you dare psychoanalyze me. You killed someone, Sebastian. Regardless of what that someone had done, you took a life with your own hands. And then you kept the truth from me while I tore myself apart with guilt."

"To protect you…."

"Stop saying that!" I snap. "You keep saying you did everything to protect me, but you can't see that keeping the truth from me was just another way of controlling me. Another way of deciding what I could and couldn't handle."

Sebastian's expression hardens. "So, what are you saying? That you'd prefer Phillips was still alive? Still stalking you? Still making his sick videos?"

"I'm saying I should have been told the truth from the beginning. I should have been given the choice of how to process it, how to react to it. Instead, you made that choice for me, just like you make every other choice."

"And what would you have done with that truth? Called the police? Warned him that he was being investigated?"

"I would have... I don't know what I would have done. But it should have been my decision."

We stare at each other across the space that feels like an ocean. Behind him, I can see Matthew watching us with concern, while Beth hovers protectively near me.

"I need space," I say finally. "I need time to process all of this without you hovering, without you trying to manage my reactions."

"Saphy…."

"No. I'm serious. I understand now why you killed him. I even understand why you felt you had to do it yourself instead of waiting for the police. But I can't just forget the last three weeks. I can't just pretend that keeping the truth from me was somehow protecting me."

Sebastian's hands clench at his sides. "How much space?"

"I don't know. However much I need."

"And then?"

"I don't know that either."

For a moment, something vulnerable flickers in his eyes. But then the mask slides back into place, and he's the controlled, dangerous man I first met at Pulse .

"Fine. But understand this, my patience isn't infinite. And there are still people out there who might want to hurt you because of your connection to Phillips."

"Is that a threat?"

"It's a fact. His network is still being investigated. Some of those people might see you as a liability."

The thought hadn't occurred to me, and it sends a chill down my spine. But I refuse to let him see how much it affects me.

"Then I'll be careful. But I'll handle my own security."

"Will you?"

"Yes. Because that's what adults do, they handle their own problems instead of having someone else make all their decisions for them."

I turn and walk toward the exit, Beth falling into step beside me. I can feel Sebastian watching us leave, but he doesn't follow.

As we drive through London, the magnitude of what I've learned begins to settle in.

Damon was a paedophile. For two and a half years, I unknowingly provided cover for someone who collected images of children being sexually abused.

Sebastian discovered this and killed him for it, then let me spend three weeks thinking he was a possessive killer instead of telling me the truth.

I don't know which revelation is more disturbing.

"Are you okay?" Beth asks gently.

"No. I don't think I'll be okay for a very long time. "

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not yet. I need to process all of this."

As we drive back to Beth's flat, one thing becomes clear: my world has been built on lies. Damon's lies about who he really was. Sebastian's lies by omission about why he killed him. My own lies to myself about what kind of person I was attracted to.

I thought I was choosing between safety and danger.

Now I realize I was choosing between different kinds of lies.

And I'm not sure I can trust my judgment about anything anymore.