Page 18 of Trained In Sin

Saphy

Beth's flat is a sanctuary of familiar chaos, books scattered across every surface, empty wine glasses from last weekend still on the coffee table, her hiking boots kicked carelessly by the door.

It's the complete opposite of my organised space, and tonight I'm grateful for the disorder.

It feels honest, real, uncomplicated in a way my life suddenly isn't.

I collapse onto her sofa, burying my face in my hands. The taste of Sebastian is still on my lips, and I can't decide if I want to scrub it away or preserve it forever. My body is still humming from his touch, every nerve ending still electrified from those few minutes in the alley.

"Right," Beth says, slamming the door behind us with more force than necessary. "What the actual fuck was that, Saphy?"

I don't look up. Can't look up. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Her voice climbs an octave. "You were practically shagging your stalker in a public fucking alley, and you don't know?"

The crude words make me flinch. "It wasn't like that…."

"Wasn't it?" Beth moves to stand in front of me, hands on her hips. When I finally raise my head, her face is flushed with anger and concern in equal measure. "Because from where I was standing, it looked exactly like that. If I hadn't shown up when I did, what would have happened? "

The question hangs in the air between us, and we both know the answer. I would have let him fuck me right there against that brick wall. The realization makes me sick with shame and something else I don't want to examine too closely.

"I was drunk," I whisper, clinging to any excuse I can find.

"Bullshit." Beth crosses her arms. "You were tipsy, not blackout drunk. You knew exactly what you were doing. The question is why."

"I don't know why!" The words explode out of me, three years of careful control finally cracking. "I don't know why I kissed him back. I don't know why I wanted him to keep touching me. I don't know why every rational thought in my head just... disappeared."

Beth stares at me for a long moment, then moves to her kitchen. I hear the clink of glasses, the pop of a wine cork. She returns with two large glasses of red wine, pressing one into my trembling hands.

"Drink," she orders, settling into the armchair across from me.

"And then talk. Because this is not you, Saphy.

This is not the woman who's been in a committed relationship for three years.

This is not the woman who once ended a friendship because someone made a pass at her boyfriend. So what the fuck is going on?"

I take a large gulp of wine, welcoming the burn.

Beth's right, of course. This isn't me. I'm the one who gets uncomfortable when people cheat in movies.

I'm the one who believes in loyalty, commitment, keeping promises.

So why did I turn into someone else the moment Sebastian Blackwood put his hands on me?

"He scares me," I say finally .

"Good. He should scare you. The man's been stalking you for weeks."

"No, that's not..." I struggle to find the words. "He scares me because of how he makes me feel. He scares me because he’s a fucking stalker, and I can’t help but feel fucking flattered that it’s me he’s chosen to stalk!

When he looks at me, when he touches me, I feel like I'm on fire. And I hate that I feel that way especially knowing he’s dangerous. "

Beth takes a slow sip of her wine, studying me. "Dangerous how?"

"You've done the research. You know what he's capable of."

"I know the rumours. But what has he actually done to you, specifically?"

The question catches me off guard. "He broke into my flat. He's been watching me, following me…."

"Has he hurt you? Physically threatened you?"

"No, but…."

"Has he forced himself on you? Tonight, in that alley?"

"No." The admission is barely a whisper. "I kissed him back. I wanted him to touch me."

"Right." Beth leans forward, her expression softer now. "So what we're really talking about is that you're attracted to someone you shouldn't be attracted to. Someone whose methods are questionable at best, criminal at worst. But who hasn't actually harmed you."

"He's been terrorizing me for weeks! "

"Has he?" Beth's voice is gentle but probing. "I don’t think it’s terrorizing if you actually like it. Even less so if you’re attracted to it?"

He stole my pillowcase, Beth. He was in my bedroom, touching my things…."

"That's definitely crossing lines," she agrees. "But let’s face it, you’re not traumatised by the break-in. You're traumatised by your own response to him. I think you have been all along."

She's right, and I hate that she's right. The violation of my space was horrible, yes. But what really haunts me is the way my body responds every time I see him. The way my heart races, my skin heats, my breath catches. The way I want things I shouldn't want with a man I should be running from.

"What's wrong with me?" I ask, the question I've been afraid to voice.

"Nothing's wrong with you." Beth's voice is firm. "You're human. You're attracted to danger, to power, to someone who makes you feel things you've never felt before. That doesn't make you a bad person."

"It makes me a cheater."

"Yes," she says simply. "It does. And that's what we need to figure out."

I drain half my wine glass in one gulp. "I love Damon."

"Do you? "

The question hits me like a slap. "Of course I do. We've been together for three years. We're saving for a house, planning a future…."

"That's not what I asked." Beth leans back in her chair. "I asked if you love him. Really love him. Because from where I'm sitting, it looks like you love the idea of him. The safety he represents. The predictable life you've built together."

"That's not fair."

"Isn't it?" She sets down her wine glass. "When's the last time Damon made your heart race? When's the last time he surprised you, challenged you, made you feel like you were truly alive?"

The questions sting because I don't have good answers.

"That's the glorified movie version of love, Beth.

Real love isn't about heart racing and dramatic passion.

Real love is stability, trust, building something together.

It's knowing someone will be there when you wake up, not wondering if they'll destroy your life.

Damon is good for me," I add more quietly.

"Good for you, or good enough?" Beth's voice is gentle but relentless. "Because there's a difference between settling for someone who's safe and being with someone who sets your soul on fire."

"Sebastian Blackwood is not good for me. He's dangerous, possibly criminal…."

"I'm not saying you should run off with the stalker," Beth interrupts. "I'm saying maybe this whole situation is forcing you to confront some truths about what you actually want. "

I finish my wine and immediately reach for the bottle Beth has left on the coffee table. "What I want is for my life to go back to normal. What I want is to forget tonight ever happened."

"But you can't, can you?" Beth watches me pour a generous second glass. "You can't stop thinking about how he made you feel. About how alive you felt in those moments."

She's right, and I hate that she's right.

Even now, sitting in the safety of her flat, part of me is replaying those moments in the alley.

The way Sebastian looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.

The way his touch set my skin on fire. The way he kissed me like he was claiming something that belonged to him.

"I can't think about him like that," I say firmly. "I have a boyfriend. I have a relationship. I have commitments."

"Do you though?" Beth's voice is quiet. "Really? Because it seems to me like you're staying with Damon out of obligation rather than desire."

"I'm staying with Damon because I love him."

"Then why did you kiss Sebastian Blackwood?"

The question hangs in the air, demanding an answer I don't have. Or rather, demanding an answer I'm not ready to give.

"It was a mistake," I say finally. "A moment of weakness. It won't happen again."

Beth studies me for a long moment. "Saphy, can I ask you something? And I want you to really think about your answer."

I nod, though I'm not sure I want to hear the question .

"If you had to choose right now, if you had to pick between Damon and Sebastian, who would you choose?"

"Damon," I say immediately. "Obviously Damon. Sebastian is insane. He's a stalker. He's…."

"That's not what your body language is saying."

I look down and realize I'm unconsciously touching my lips, remembering the feel of Sebastian's mouth on mine. I drop my hand immediately, but the damage is done.

"My body is irrelevant," I say coldly. "My mind knows what's right."

"Does it?" Beth pours herself more wine. "Because your mind got you into that alley. Your mind made the choice to kiss him back. Your mind decided not to scream or run or fight."

"My mind was compromised by alcohol and manipulation…."

"Stop." Beth holds up a hand. "Just stop. You're making excuses, and we both know it. You wanted to kiss him. You wanted him to touch you. And now you're trying to rationalise it away because it doesn't fit with who you think you're supposed to be."

Tears prick at my eyes. "I can't want him, Beth. I can't. Look what he's done to me, how he's made me feel. He's been terrorizing me for weeks."

"Or pursuing you in the only way he knows how.

"Don't defend him." I scoff, taking a larger than necessary mouthful of wine .

"I'm not defending him. His methods are fucked up, absolutely. Personally, I think he’s a prick. But I'm trying to get you to see that maybe this isn't as black and white as you want it to be."

I stand abruptly, pacing to her window. The street below is quiet, normal people living normal lives. No stalkers, no dangerous men with grey eyes and devastating smiles. No impossible choices between safety and desire.

"What are you saying I should do?" I ask without turning around.

"I think you should be honest with yourself about what you want. And I think you should be honest with Damon about what happened tonight."

I spin around. "I can't tell Damon I kissed another man!"

"Why not?"

"Because it would destroy him. Because it would end our relationship."

"Would that be such a bad thing?"

The question hangs in the air like a physical blow. "Yes! Of course it would be bad! I love him!"

"Do you?" Beth asks again.

I want to argue, want to defend my relationship, my feelings. But something stops me. Some kernel of honesty I'm not ready to examine.

"Even if I... even if I had doubts about Damon, that doesn't mean Sebastian is the answer. The man is dangerous, Beth. Whatever I felt tonight, it doesn't change what he is. "

"No," she agrees. "It doesn't. But it might change who you are."

I return to the sofa, suddenly exhausted. "I don't want to change. I like who I am. I like my life."

"Do you? Really? Or do you like the idea of your life?"

"Stop fucking asking me that." I don’t like that she’s got me backed into a corner,

"I'll stop asking when you stop lying to yourself.

" Beth's voice is gentle but firm. "Saphy, you're my best friend.

I love you. And I've watched you sleepwalk through the last year of your relationship with Damon.

You go through the motions, you say the right words, but there's no passion there. No fire."

"Not everyone needs fire."

"You do." She leans forward. "You do and tonight proved it. When Sebastian Blackwood kissed you, you came alive in a way I haven't seen in years."

The truth of her words hits me like a physical blow. "What am I supposed to do with that? Run off with my stalker? Blow up my entire life for a man who terrifies me?"

"I don't know," Beth says honestly. "But I think you need to figure out what you actually want before you make any more promises to Damon."

"I want Sebastian to leave me alone," I say firmly. "I want to forget tonight happened. I want my life to go back to normal."

"Okay." Beth doesn't sound convinced, but she doesn't argue. "If that's what you want, then you need to be stronger than you were tonight. You need to make sure you're never alone with him again."

"I will be. Tonight was a moment of weakness. It won't happen again."

"And Damon?"

I take a deep breath. "I'll make it work with Damon. I'll be better. I'll focus on what we have, what we're building together."

"Saphy…."

"No." I stand again, sudden determination flooding through me. "I know what I want. I want my relationship. I want my normal life. I want to forget Sebastian Blackwood exists."

Beth watches me with sad, knowing eyes. "And if he doesn't let you forget?"

The question sends a chill through me, but I push it away. "Then I'll be stronger. I'll resist whatever sick hold he thinks he has on me."

"Okay," Beth says quietly. "If that's what you want."

"It is." I finish my wine and set the glass down with more force than necessary. "I should go home. I should call Damon."

"Are you going to tell him what happened?"

"No." The answer comes immediately. "There's nothing to tell. I made a mistake, and it won't happen again."

Beth doesn't argue, but I can see the scepticism in her eyes. She thinks I'm lying to myself .

Maybe she's right. But I'd rather be safe with Damon than destroyed by Sebastian Blackwood.

As I gather my things to leave, I check my phone for the first time since Beth dragged me away from the alley.

No missed calls. No messages. Nothing from Sebastian.

I tell myself I'm relieved, but there's an uncomfortable flutter of disappointment in my chest that I immediately push away.

What did I expect? What did I want him to say?

The fact that I'm even checking proves how dangerous tonight was.

I make a silent vow. Whatever weakness made me respond to Sebastian tonight, I'll never let it surface again. I'll be stronger, better, more committed to the life I've chosen.

I have to be.

Because the alternative, admitting that Beth might be right, that I might want something dangerous and passionate and completely wrong for me, is too terrifying to contemplate.

I'll choose safety. I'll choose Damon. I'll choose the life that makes sense.

And I'll forget that for a few perfect, terrifying moments in a dark alley, I felt more alive than I ever have before.