Page 41 of Trained In Sin

Saphy

Three days. Three days since I learned the truth about Damon, since I demanded space from Sebastian, since everything I thought I knew about my life turned upside down again.

I've spent those days in Beth's flat, moving between her sofa and her guest bed like a zombie, unable to eat, unable to sleep properly, unable to do anything except replay the police interview in my head.

The revelation that I lived with a monster for three years.

That Sebastian knew what Damon was when he killed him.

That I spent three weeks thinking I was protecting a murderer when I was actually.

.. what? Punishing someone who eliminated a predator? Punishing myself?

Beth's been patient, bringing me tea I don't drink and meals I barely touch, not pushing me to talk when I'm not ready. But I can see the concern in her eyes growing stronger each day.

"You need to eat something," she says, setting a plate of toast beside me on the sofa. "You're going to make yourself sick."

"I'm not hungry."

"You haven't been hungry for three days. Eat anyway."

I take a small bite to appease her, but it tastes like cardboard. Everything tastes like nothing.

"Saphy," Beth sits beside me, her voice gentle but firm. "I know this is a lot to process, but you can't shut down completely. You need to deal with what you've learned. "

"I am dealing with it."

"Starving yourself and staring at the wall isn't dealing with it."

I set the toast aside, turning to face her properly.

"What am I supposed to do, Beth? How am I supposed to process that the man I lived with was a paedophile? That I was so blind, so naive, that I shared my bed with someone who collected images of children being abused? That I then watched said paedophile, get murdered right in front of me.”

"You're supposed to remember that you're the victim here, not the perpetrator. You didn't know because he was an expert at hiding what he was."

"But I should have seen something. Some sign, some indication…."

"Should you? Really? Or are you just torturing yourself because accepting that you couldn't have known means accepting that the world is more dangerous and unpredictable than you want to believe?"

The insight hits uncomfortably close to home. Maybe I am looking for ways to blame myself because the alternative, that monsters can live among us completely undetected, is too terrifying to accept.

"I keep thinking about Sebastian," I admit quietly. "About what he said at the police station. That he killed Damon for being more dangerous than I knew."

"And?"

"And I'm starting to think maybe he was right. Maybe Damon needed to be stopped, and Sebastian was the only one willing to do it. "

Beth is quiet for a moment. "You know, I've been thinking about that too. About Sebastian, about what he did."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean maybe we were wrong about his motives. Maybe it wasn't just possessiveness or jealousy. Maybe he really was protecting you, and other potential victims."

I stare at her in surprise. "You're defending him? You've spent weeks telling me how dangerous he is."

"He is dangerous. But maybe that's not always a bad thing. Maybe sometimes dangerous people are the only ones capable of stopping worse people. I’m not justifying murder, at all. I’m just saying, if I’d have known what Damon was, murder would’ve crossed my mind too.”

Before I can respond, the intercom buzzes. Beth frowns, checking the time.

"Are you expecting anyone?"

"No."

She goes to the intercom, pressing the button cautiously. "Hello?"

"Ms. Morrison? This is Matthew Collins. I work for Sebastian Blackwood. I need to speak with Ms. Jenkins."

My blood runs cold. "Don't let him up."

"It's about Sebastian," Matthew continues, his voice carrying through the speaker. "I'm worried about him, and I think Ms. Jenkins needs to know what's happening. "

Beth looks at me questioningly. I shake my head, but she's already responding.

"What do you mean, you're worried about him?"

"He's disappeared. Three days ago, after the police station. He fired me, told me my services were no longer required, and vanished. I'm not asking Ms. Jenkins to see him or forgive him. I just... I need her to understand what kind of man he really is."

I move to the intercom, my heart pounding. "Why should I care what happens to him?"

"Because despite everything you think you know about him, Ms. Jenkins, Sebastian Blackwood is in love with you. And I don't think he knows how to survive losing you."

The words hit me like a physical blow. In love. Not obsessed, not possessive. In love.

"Please," Matthew continues. "Five minutes. Just let me explain the Sebastian I know, and then I'll leave you alone."

Beth and I look at each other. I can see my own curiosity reflected in her eyes.

"Five minutes," I say finally.

*

Matthew looks terrible when he arrives at Beth's door. His usually immaculate appearance is dishevelled, his tie loose, dark circles under his eyes. He looks like a man who hasn't slept in days.

"Thank you for seeing me," he says as we settle in Beth's living room. "I know you have no reason to trust me."

"You're right. I don't. So talk."

Matthew takes a breath, seeming to gather his thoughts. "I've worked for Sebastian for five years. In that time, I've seen him make calculated business decisions, eliminate threats, build an empire through strategic thinking and careful planning. Everything he does serves a purpose."

"Is there a point to this?"

"The point is that everything changed when he met you. For the first time in the five years I've known him, Sebastian started making decisions based on emotion rather than strategy."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean he cancelled meetings to drive past your workplace just to catch a glimpse of you.

I mean he spent hours orchestrating situations in which he could see you.

I mean he hired teams of people to investigate Damon Phillips not because Phillips was a business threat, but because Phillips was threatening you. "

I shift uncomfortably. "That's not love. That's obsession."

"Is it? Or is it what love looks like when it comes from someone who's never experienced it before?

" Matthew leans forward. "Sebastian Blackwood is not a good man, Ms. Jenkins.

He's killed people, destroyed lives, built his empire on violence and intimidation.

But when it comes to you, being with you means I see the good I always knew was in him.

I see the true Seb, not just Mr Blackwood. "

"He didn't tell me the truth about Damon."

"Because he was trying to spare you the horror of knowing you'd been living with a monster. Because he thought carrying that knowledge himself was kinder than forcing you to carry it too."

"That wasn't his choice to make."

"No, it wasn't. And he knows that now. He knows he handled it wrong, that keeping the truth from you was another form of control." Matthew's voice grows quieter. "He knows you'll never forgive him for it."

"How do you know what he knows? You said he disappeared."

"Because when I saw him after the police station, he was sitting in his office drinking whisky and crying. In five years, I have never seen Sebastian Blackwood cry. I've seen him angry, I've seen him violent, I've seen him coldly calculating. But I have never seen him vulnerable until he lost you."

The image Matthew paints is so at odds with the controlled, dangerous man I know that I struggle to process it. Sebastian, crying. Sebastian, vulnerable.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"He fired me three days ago. Told me my services were no longer required, that he was done with everything. Then he disappeared, and his businesses are falling apart without him. He has never done this. I’m genuinely scared for him. "

"So, you want me to fix him? To go running back because he can't handle rejection?"

"I want you to understand that the man who killed Damon Phillips didn't do it out of jealousy or possessiveness. He did it because he discovered that Phillips was a paedophile who was stalking the woman he loves. He did it to protect you and every other potential victim."

Matthew reaches into his jacket and pulls out a folder, setting it on the coffee table between us.

"This is a copy of what Sebastian's investigation found about Phillips.

Not just the files the police discovered, but everything.

The pattern of victims, the network he was part of, the escalation of his behaviour.

Sebastian could have turned this over to the police, before everything and let them handle it through proper channels. "

"Then why didn't he?"

"Because Phillips would have been arrested, possibly granted bail, and given time to destroy evidence or flee the country.

Because the legal process could have taken years, during which time he would have been free to hurt more children.

Because Sebastian looked at this evidence and realised that some monsters don't deserve the luxury of due process. "

I stare at the folder, afraid to open it but unable to look away.

"Sebastian killed Phillips because he was threatening you that night, yes.

But he also killed him because he was a predator who would have continued hurting children if he'd been allowed to live. He eliminated a monster, Ms. Jenkins. And then he let you hate him for it rather than burden you with the knowledge of what you'd been living with. He gave this file to the police after Damons death, to make sure the child victims get the help and support they’ll need.”

"Why didn't he just tell me the truth from the beginning?"

"Because he's not good at love. Because he's spent his entire adult life protecting himself from the kind of vulnerability that love requires. Because he thought protecting you from painful truths was the same thing as loving you."

Matthew stands, straightening his jacket.

"I'm not asking you to forgive him. I'm not even asking you to see him.

I just wanted you to understand that when Sebastian Blackwood killed Damon Phillips, he wasn't acting as a possessive boyfriend or a jealous lover.

He was acting as someone who had discovered that the woman he loves was in danger from a monster she didn't even know existed. "

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know. He's not answering his phone, not responding to messages. His businesses are in chaos, but he doesn't seem to care. I think... I think he's given up."

Matthew heads toward the door, then pauses. "For what it's worth, Ms. Jenkins, I think you were good for him. For the first time since I've known him, Sebastian was trying to be better than what he is. You made him want to be worthy of love instead of just demanding it."

After he leaves, Beth and I sit in silence, staring at the folder on the coffee table.

"Are you going to open it?" Beth asks finally.

"I don't know if I can. "

"Maybe you need to. Maybe you need to see exactly what Sebastian saved you from."

With trembling hands, I open the folder.

The contents are even worse than I imagined, police reports, surveillance logs, evidence of a network of predators that spans multiple countries.

Images of children that make me sick to look at.

Evidence that Damon wasn't just collecting this material but actively participating in its creation.

By the time I finish reading, I'm crying. Not just for the children who were hurt, but for my own naivety. For the three years I spent loving someone who was capable of this. For the man who discovered it and eliminated the threat without asking for gratitude or recognition.

"He saved me," I whisper. "Sebastian saved me from this monster, and I punished him for it."

"You didn't know."

"But he did. He knew exactly what Damon was, and he killed him anyway. Not because he was jealous, but because he was protecting me from something I couldn't even imagine."

I close the folder, my mind made up.

"I need to see him. I need to apologise, to explain…."

"Saphy, wait. Think about this."

"I have been thinking about it. For three days, I've been thinking about nothing else. And I've been wrong. About Sebastian, about what he did, about why he did it."

I grab my jacket, already heading for the door .

"Where are you going?"

"To find him. To tell him I understand now. To tell him..." I pause, the words catching in my throat. "To tell him I'm sorry."

"What if he won't see you?”

"Then I'll keep trying until he does. Because Matthew's right, Sebastian isn't good at love. But neither am I, apparently. And maybe that's okay. Maybe love isn't about being perfect. Maybe it's about choosing someone despite their flaws and helping them be better."

I think about Sebastian, alone somewhere, thinking I hate him for protecting me. Thinking I can't forgive him for eliminating a monster who would have continued hurting children.

He's wrong.

And I'm going to tell him exactly how wrong he is.

*

The first place I go to is Syren. The building looks the same from the outside, but when I try to get to Sebastian's office, security tells me he's not in. Hasn't been in for days.

"Can you call him? Tell him Sapphire Jenkins is here to see him?"

The security guard looks uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, miss. Mr. Blackwood left strict instructions not to be disturbed. "

"Please. It's important."

"I'm sorry. I can't help you."

I try Pulse next, then the restaurant where we had our first dinner. Nothing. No one has seen Sebastian, no one knows where he is, and no one will help me find him.

As I stand outside Pulse, frustration and desperation warring in my chest, I realize that Sebastian has done exactly what I asked for. He's given me space. Complete, total space.

And now I have no idea how to find him.

But I will find him. Because somewhere out there, the man who saved me from a monster is thinking I hate him for it.

And I need to tell him that the opposite is true.

I need to tell him that I'm falling in love with him all over again.