Page 55

MAYA

True to my word, I watched Theo’s games while she was out of town. I didn’t think she really expected me to but I couldn’t bring myself to skip them—it made me feel guilty, like I was letting her down.

But I was also sad—it was hard to see her face knowing the distance that had grown between us, literally and emotionally.

And mixed in there was me being proud of her for having accomplished so much. Every time I watched her play, all I’d hear was commentators talking about her like she was performing a miracle.

The amount of time we spent talking had decreased pretty significantly to the point that I barely knew what she was up to.

There were no plans to see her when she got back into town after her away games.

I couldn’t tell if it was her trying to give me space, or if she’d finally hit her breaking point and she didn’t want to bother trying with me anymore.

“Jesus, what was that call?” Iris shouted at the screen. When it cut to commercial break a moment later, she turned to look at me. She frowned. “Dude, are you okay? ”

“I’m fine,” I said, even though I felt a tiny bit sick every time Theo popped up on screen, even in passing.

Part of me hated her for it—I couldn’t help but feel a little bit like I’d been set up now.

My entire life was going to be dictated in phases—Before Theo and After Theo.

And there were a lot of feelings that came from both of those things.

Either way, I could never go fully back to Before Theo. She would always be part of me now. I’d remember her as the first person I said I love you to, the first person who had somehow gotten through my desire to keep everyone a distance away.

It felt like there was no winning. I could either have her or not have her and both came with downsides.

“We don’t have to watch this,” Iris said. “Or you don’t, I guess. I still want to.”

My lips turned up in what I was sure was a deeply pathetic smile. “It’s okay. I told her I’d watch.”

“Have you spoken recently?”

“Not really,” I said. “I watched her Michigan game and we texted a little about that. But we never really talked about this one.”

Iris was quiet for a moment and then we went back to watching, Iris shouting at the TV and me in complete silence.

Theo and I didn’t speak when she got back from the away game.

I assumed she was probably waiting for me to say something first, but I didn’t know what to say.

And I knew that my silence was going to mean something to her.

The longer I went without giving her something to work with, the easier it would be to figure out what answer I was implying.

It was a game I’d played before, just never with someone I’d actually developed a connection with.

It sucked a hell of a lot more when you actually liked the person. The guilt swirling through me was making it impossible to do anything. As more graduate school decisions came in, I found it hard to be excited about them.

And then I did what I did best—I moved on.

Or at least, I attempted to. I dove into work, pushing Theo far from my mind.

It was difficult with the buzz around campus leading into the Point Brook game.

But I was doing everything I could to avoid it.

I knew where the posters of Theo were hung up around campus, so I tried my best not to look at them.

I avoided social media so I wouldn’t have to see pictures of her.

Looking at her was too painful and brought up too much in me—it made me think of breakfast together and time in bed together.

The secrets we’d told each other about crushes growing up and stupid things we did as kids.

The feeling of being wrapped up in blankets with her, or held in her arms.

I didn’t know how anyone navigated a breakup. It felt like a boulder hanging off of me all the time. I didn’t have a second of peace; Theo still showed up in my dreams, talking to me, asking me why I didn’t try harder, why I didn’t trust her.

Despite how much I loved Colorado, I debated on how nice it would be to cut ties and go to a different program, even if I made it into the PhD program here.

The urge to run was annoyingly strong and I hated my mom for ingraining it into me, just like I hated Theo for making me want to run in the first place.

It felt almost easier for us to have never met in the first place, so I didn’t have to navigate all of this.

But then I remembered the sound of her voice, her laugh, the way she looked in glasses when we were studying together. I thought about how we’d talked about both wanting a dog and for just a moment, I could envision us in our own place, a dog or two running around.

Maybe that was the point of all of this.

I was scared and I could leave to avoid all of the bad feelings that came with that—or I could figure out how to embrace that the fear of diving headfirst was the point of all of this.

Maybe I could get to a place where I could admit to myself that there was no Theo if I wasn’t willing to take an initial leap.

By the time Theo’s game against Point Brook came around, I still hadn’t figured out how to say what I needed to say to Theo.

I still felt stuck—and a little bit like it was on me to figure it out.

I kept cycling between wanting to reach out to her so badly to fix everything and begging for her to come back, and wanting to push her away even harder for not continuing to come after me.

I knew it was irrational; Theo had been the one who told me she’d wait for me. She’d already made her opinion on everything clear. But part of me hoped she’d run after me even after making a declaration like that .

Iris walked into the living room, all dressed up in green and ready for the game, and spotted me on the couch.

I knew I looked pathetic—I was wearing the same sweatpants I’d been wearing for days, I had three different types of chips open in front of me, and I’d gone to town on a bag of Twix Minis. It wasn’t pretty.

“You’re not coming?” she asked, taking in the sight in front of her. I could see her eyes bouncing between the open bags in front of me and the stain on my sweatpants.

“I don’t think I should,” I said, my stomach knotting.

Iris and I had been going back and forth on it here and there, but I could tell she’d been trying to be gentle with me.

That was what Iris did best—she was gentle.

And kind. And considerate. But she was also someone who deeply cared about the people she loved, which meant she wasn’t going to let me get away with anything.

I could see in her face that she didn’t like that answer.

Her patience had been dwindling over time and it was exactly why I’d been nervous for any kind of confrontation with her.

I’d had a feeling it was coming down the line, but I didn’t know how long I was going to have to wait for it to finally happen.

Part of me hoped that Iris would just let it go and let me ruin my own life, but she seemed determined to not let me. It was obvious how much she cared about me, even if I found it annoying right now.

I muted the TV and turned to look at her. “Just say it,” I finally said. “I know you’ve been wanting to. ”

“I don’t think I want to.” Iris crossed her arms. “I don’t think you actually want to hear it.”

“If you’re going to be all weird with me, you might as well just let it out. I know you’re disappointed—”

“Of course I’m disappointed,” she said, throwing her hands up in the air.

“And this isn’t even about the future friend of a WAG stuff.

I just can’t believe you’re doing this when you finally like someone.

Like, you have it! It’s there for you! You watched me fumble Danny and completely embarrass myself and you still can’t admit to yourself what it is that you want.

It’s okay to like Theo and want her and want a life with her.

And it’s okay if you end up screwing it up.

It’s better than moping around and pretending you’ve already lost her when she’s practically standing outside your bedroom window with a boombox. ”

“I already know all of this,” I said. It was impossible for me to get actually mad at Iris, especially when she was correct.

She’d always gotten me in a way that it felt like no one else had.

It wasn’t until Theo that I realized someone other than her could actually get to know me—all of the gross, annoying, weird parts that I didn’t want anyone to see—and still love me.

It felt safe with Iris, like I knew she was never going to leave.

But it was the scariest feeling in the world with Theo.

“You think you’re going to end it?” Iris asked. “Like, genuinely? That’s it?”

“I don’t know what else to do—”

“That’s dumb , Maya. Like, really dumb,” she said. “You obviously like her. If you do end things with her, just know that I’m not endorsing it.”

“You’ve already made that clear,” I said, feeling a little defensive. Even though Iris’s tone was still gentle, her words definitely weren’t. “That feels like a complete disregard for my feelings, which are valid.”

“Your feelings are based in fear. You’re the single most fearless person I’ve ever met in my life . I don’t understand why you’re acting this way.”

“Maybe I’ve never really been all that fearless,” I admitted.

“Maybe this whole time, I’ve just been really good at pretending that I do all of this because I’m not scared of anything.

But I’m the girl who is scared of commitment—point blank.

We’ve always known that about me. I’m scared I’m going to lose my independence and my sense of self.

There’s nothing actually fearless about me. ”

Iris looked at me. We were both quiet for a second. We never really ever bickered, so I didn’t know where to go from there.

“I don’t think you should give it up.”