Page 32

I wanted this—the heat from her body, the closing distance. I’d been trying so hard to fight it and intellectualize it and push it all away, but this was exactly what I’d been hoping for the entire time.

Theo’s brown eyes met mine, and I wondered if I should just do it. I only needed to lean forward, probably stand on my toes. If it was a misread of the situation, I could blame the alcohol in my bloodstream.

I leaned against the wall, and Theo stepped forward, getting even closer to me. Our bodies were nearly touching now, only the tiniest bit of air and thin pieces of clothing between us.

I just knew Theo would be good to me in bed.

I could feel it in the way she carried herself, in the way she looked after me.

It was easy to tell when someone would be selfish or lack finesse.

But Theo didn’t seem like she would be like that.

She was kind—the kind of person who set my friend up, who gossiped with me and hung out with me and texted me for hours about nothing.

She also had really great hands.

“Would it ruin everything if we kissed right now?” I asked.

Theo didn’t look surprised. If anything, she seemed like she’d been waiting for me to bring it up. She didn’t verbally respond; she shook her head and brushed my hair behind my ear. Her thumb trailed down my skin, so gentle it almost made me shiver.

I stood up taller to meet her, and we got closer than we ever had before. We both stopped just as our lips were about to touch, and I worried for a beat that Theo might’ve been pulling out. But she didn’t move away.

Only a breath apart, I leaned forward and finally kissed her.

Kissing her didn’t activate the reward part of my brain, the part that celebrated being successful in taking someone home or getting hit on.

Instead, it activated something else entirely.

For the first time ever, things started to make sense.

Crushes made sense, love songs made sense.

All of the big, gigantic, swirling feelings that make romance so appealing suddenly made sense.

I’d been right to think that going any further with Theo than talking would be nothing but trouble. Sex was never going to fix this. I couldn’t fuck her out of my system and get over my crush on her that way.

Theo’s hands found my jaw, and mine found her waist. She pressed me completely against the wall.

Her lips were soft and warm and tasted faintly like beer.

She kissed me exactly how I imagined she would—firmly but sweetly, careful and courteous.

She easily took the lead because that’s what she did in every other area of her life, but she wasn’t pushy about it.

The only difference was that it was even better actually kissing her than it was thinking about it.

I slipped my hands under her open button-down shirt and then under her tank top, tracing along her lower back. I felt safe and held and turned on in equal measure, in a way that I’d never felt before ever in my life .

Our kiss deepened. We opened our mouths, letting our tongues explore and our bodies naturally respond to each other.

I moved without thinking, letting my hands travel.

Theo was more respectful, keeping her hands in places that felt modest. I’d never kissed anyone so tall before and it was throwing off the rhythm I was used to, but I liked it.

I could’ve kissed her forever. I wanted to kiss her, exactly in this spot and exactly in this way, forever. No more classes or post-graduation plans or basketball games or talking. Just this.

I didn’t know how long we’d kissed like two teenagers who were too nervous to go past first base.

Neither of us let our hands or our mouths wander too far.

It wasn’t the wildest makeout I’d ever had in my life, but it was—without a doubt—the sexiest. I was so wet that we might as well have had rounds of hot, out-of-control sex.

When we broke apart, we looked at each other for a long beat. The music and the loud voices and the flashing lights of the small townhouse all came rushing back at once, and I remembered where I was.

I didn’t know what there was to say. Thanks? That was, without a single doubt in my mind, the best kiss of my entire life?

I hadn’t only kissed someone in a long time—at least since I was a teenager—and I didn’t know what to do afterwards. Normally, there was a kiss with a goal or a purpose. It was after a date, and it felt like the natural next move. Or it was at the bar with someone I was going to go home with .

But this wasn’t a date. And for the first time in my life, I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know how to invite Theo back, if I was ready to take that step with her.

“Maya!”

Iris suddenly broke through the crowd and grabbed my arm. I jumped, yanked from the dazed state Theo and I had entered.

“I need to talk to you,” she said breathlessly.

“Oh,” I said and looked over at Theo, unsure of what to do. The kiss felt like the kind of thing Theo and I needed to talk about, or at least planned to talk about together.

“Sorry, this is urgent,” Iris said, turning to Theo. Based on how she was acting, I could only assume she had no idea what had just gone down between me and Theo.

Iris pulled me away before Theo or I could say anything to each other. We moved through the crowd together, further and further away from Theo and closer to the front door. It wasn’t until we were outside in the biting cold that Iris finally stopped.

“What’s going on?” I asked her. “You’re being so weird.”

“I completely embarrassed myself,” she said, and hid her face in her hands. She flung her arms around in distress. “Theo got me a chance with Danny and I screwed it up and now it’s over. I have to find a new crush. Or maybe transfer to a new school in a new state.”

“Whoa, okay,” I said, grabbing her by the shoulders. “I don’t believe it could’ve been that bad. I’m sure it was fine. ”

“No, it absolutely wasn’t. I just…I made this offhand comment because I thought we had that kind of rapport going and I don’t think it landed well at all.”

“You’re literally the nicest person I’ve ever met. I seriously doubt you messed it up that badly. What kind of joke was it?”

“I just…I made a comment about the men’s basketball team here and the women’s team.

It was so stupid. He seems like such a nice guy, too, and he’s one of the only players on the team who’s actually keeping it together.

He doesn’t need to be reminded that the women’s team is literally lapping them.

” She smacked her hand to her forehead and cringed. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Okay, honestly, a man who can’t handle being told that the women’s team is better than the men’s—an objective truth from a records standpoint—isn’t someone worth being around. Men with egos suck.”

Iris nodded with the same kind of passion as someone getting hyped up before a game. She took a deep breath.

“It’s totally fine. It sucks when a crush doesn’t line up but you don’t need him anyway,” I said, feeling a little bit like I was talking to myself even though my crush seemed to be lining up just fine.

Now that the high of the kiss was behind me, reality was sinking in hard, and all I could think about was how I felt like I needed to prepare for the end.

The relief of finally kissing Theo had been replaced with crushing anxiety of what was going to come next—and none of the scenarios I was coming up with had a happy ending.

“You’ll be fine on your own. You always have been. ”

Iris groaned. “I know. He’s just so cute. It’s so different when the guy is a jerk. But now I feel like I’m the one who was an asshole.”

“How did he respond to your comment?”

“It was just like…kind of awkward. I don’t know.”

“You didn’t even let him respond ?” I laughed. “Dude!”

“I don’t even want to hear it from you! You have a crush you refuse to admit to having, and it’s so obvious,” Iris said and crossed her arms. “You guys were hardcore flirting the entire game. You can’t deny it.”

“Okay, yes. Maybe,” I said.

Iris tilted her head and looked at me, her expression changing. “Something happened,” she said, and then she groaned again. “Oh my god, I fucked things up with my crush and I ruined your moment with yours. This has to be one of my worst runs I’ve ever had—”

“Iris, it’s fine,” I said, fighting off a laugh. “Seriously. It’s okay. We just…kissed.”

“ Just kissed?” she screeched, and I shushed her so other people who were standing outside wouldn’t start looking. “Holy shit. How was it? How did it happen?”

“It was…” I brushed her comment off, but then realized what I was doing.

My instinct was to act like nothing had happened, but in my gut, I knew what it was.

I couldn’t pretend it was nothing. I could still be anxious about it and certain it wasn’t go ing to end well, and also acknowledge it was the best kiss of my life.

My expression softened. “It was really great, Iris. It was a perfect kiss. I’m even more into her than I thought. ”

Iris, who was normally a ball of energy and enthusiasm, met me at my level—most likely so she didn’t scare me out of having a crush. She dropped her voice slightly, pouting her lips. “That’s so cute.”

“Not to take away from your crisis. That’s the most important thing right now.”

“No, I’m glad there’s some good news,” Iris admitted. She shivered from the cold, and we both started heading back toward our apartment, synced up after all of these years of friendship. “So, you haven’t talked about it?” I shook my head. “Neither of us really seemed like we knew what to say.”

“Do you think you’ll kiss again?”

I fought off a sigh. “I hope so,” I said, feeling shy in a way I never had before when it came to my feelings. Theo was the only person who’d ever brought it out of me.

“I hope so, too,” Iris said gently.