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MAYA

I felt so antsy I was certain I was losing my mind.

If something didn’t happen soon—if something didn’t change soon—I thought I might explode.

I’d been trying to be as calm as I could possibly be, but it felt impossible.

For days, my brain had been on one endless loop.

It felt like the universe was laughing at me for finally figuring things out for myself, for finally attempting to like someone.

I hadn’t been able to get back into the swing of things since I saw that video of Cam talking about Theo.

I didn’t know what exactly it’d set off in my brain, but it’d really stuck and it was impossible to shake off the feeling.

I was so nervous about the future, nervous about what was going to come next for me and Theo.

It felt pointless to even try when I couldn’t imagine it was going to work out in the long run.

My vibe going into March had been pretty abysmal because of it. I’d been coming up with excuses not to see Theo and excuses for why I was in the house and not going to the gym or workout classes as often with Iris .

Iris had been patient with me, but it was obvious she was starting to lose her patience toward the end of day three of me moping around the house.

“You’re really killing my mood here, dude,” she said randomly while we were settled in to watch TV in the living room.

TV had been one of my only escapes from the spiral out I was experiencing.

I couldn’t use social media because I’d accidentally trained my algorithm to flood me with Theo related things.

That was one thing no one warned me about when I started to date someone relatively famous.

“I’m not even doing anything,” I protested, which was true. I was sitting on the other end of the couch from Iris, my legs pulled up under me. I was cozy under a blanket and in my softest pajamas.

My days had felt long and boring without Theo, like someone had zapped the light out of my daily activities.

But I was struggling to figure out how exactly to work through my feelings.

I was scared to see her and sad when I didn’t.

It was reminiscent of the times I’d avoid seeing someone because I knew I needed to suck it up and dump them.

I was worried that was the inevitable next step.

It was impossible, though—running would only be a temporary relief; the thought of losing Theo forever made me sick.

“You’re like a little rain cloud,” Iris said. “And you’ve been moving around the house like you’re haunting the place or something. I practically saw you hovering in the corner the other day. ”

“That’s an exaggeration,” I said, even though it was probably a tiny bit true.

She muted the TV and turned to look at me. “I’m begging you to get your shit together. You haven’t broken up. Nothing is actually wrong. You’re getting yourself all knotted up because of your own worries.”

“Yeah, but they’re legitimate worries.”

“Every worry feels like a legitimate worry. That’s the whole point.

If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t be worrying,” Iris said.

“I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself. I’m sorry the timing is weird and I’m sorry a lot of change is coming.

But every college senior feels the same way you do to a certain extent.

It’s a major life transition. It’s impossible not to get worked up about it unless you have, like, a guaranteed job right out of school.

But even then, it’s still change. It’s significant . ”

“Normally, I love your you’re not special talks, but this one hurts especially bad,” I said, mostly joking.

Iris was the queen of keeping me grounded.

Every time I was convinced it was the end of the world because of one thing or another, like not getting into a class I really wanted, she was there to remind me that it wasn’t even half as catastrophic as I was imagining.

“I don’t think it’s worth it to throw away your first real crush without at least trying. You have something with Theo, Maya. Like, it’s undeniable. It radiates off of you every time you’re together. And that’s so scary. But it’s also really beautiful.”

“But is it really worth it to keep trying if it seems like it’s not going to go anywhere?” I asked .

“You don’t actually know it’s not going to go anywhere. You’re just assuming it won’t work out.” She rotated her body to look at me straight-on from across the couch. “Have you even talked to Theo about it?”

“Not really,” I said and Iris threw her hands up in exasperation.

“I know, I know. But I don’t know what there is to say to her.

Like, please don’t leave me? Please don’t trade me in for your basketball team?

Take me with you?” I shook my head. “I doubt she’s going to want to be put in that position.

And I can’t shrink myself down like that.

I can’t. My mother would lose her mind knowing her daughter was saying those things. ”

“Do you think she might have something to do with this? Like, even a teeny tiny bit?” Iris asked and I knew she was referring to my mom.

Our relationship had always been complicated and I could see pieces of my mother—who I’d always known as a flaky, flighty woman—in myself as I got older, whether I wanted that or not.

“Oh, I know she has something to do with her. This is all her. Refusing to stick around, running at the first sign of trouble. She always said that stress made her feel wrinkly and aged her too quickly. She drops anything that makes her feel stressed as soon as she can.”

“Right. And with zero negative consequences to anyone involved.”

My lips turned up in a sad smile. “How embarrassing that it always comes back to our parents. ”

“Maybe just explain that to Theo as a start. Try to talk to her at least. Give her something. I’m sure she can tell you’re acting weird too and she’s probably trying to be nice and give you space to work through it.”

“But what if she doesn’t get it?”

“Then she doesn’t get it. And you figure it out from there. But Theo has been kind—she deserves better than this.”

I sighed a little bit. “I just…I want it to stay how it is. I want this,” I said, gesturing to our apartment and campus and little lives we’d built out here. It felt so stable and safe here. It felt like home, especially now that I had Theo.

“I know. But sometimes it’s not like that,” Iris said. “Things change and we have to be ready for it, even when we’re not ready. Mourn the loss and then pick right back up in a new routine.”

“I just really like her, Iris. Like, really like her. And I don’t know if she can give me what I need from her in terms of commitment.

I want her time and attention and availability.

I don’t want her flying all around the country for months out of the year, leaving me to do my PhD work alone while everyone is able to get married and move in together and see their partner all the time. ”

“Isn’t long distance, like, the lesbian MO? Maybe it’s going to find you one way or another,” she said. “Maybe instead of thinking of it in terms of the games she’ll be away from home for, think of all of the time she’ll spend at home when the season is over. ”

I considered what she was saying. I pictured Theo coming home after games, just like she was doing now.

I thought about being able to go to her games and still talk to her even when she was out of town.

I didn’t know how different professional basketball would be compared to college, but at least there wouldn’t be school to worry about anymore—for her, at least. It would take one thing off of her plate.

But then I also pictured the nights when she was away from me. The times when I was stressed from classes and teaching and keeping up with the demands of academia and she wouldn’t be able to be physically there with me.

“I like her enough that I think only getting bits and pieces of her might hurt more than not having her at all,” I said.

Iris thought it over. “Being totally honest, that really only applies in situations where a partner is inconsistent. I don’t know if you can pull that card with Theo.

I’ve seen how you light up when you’re with her.

And look at how you are now—you don’t have any of her at all of your own volition and you’re reaching Bridget Jones All By Myself levels of…

sad. And it’s only been a couple of days.

I think you think you’re protecting yourself but it just looks like self-sabotage. ”

I crawled across the couch and sat in her lap, wrapping my arms around her neck. “You’re the meanest person I know,” I said.

“Someone needs to be a straight shooter with you,” she said, her voice muffled by my shoulder. She lifted her mouth out from under my sweatshirt. “Maybe a therapist soon instead of me, but we can cross that bridge when you’re ready.”

“I’ll start with talking to Theo first,” I said. “And maybe my mom, actually.”

“Please do,” she said. “I love you but I can’t listen to this or see this anymore.”

I spent the entire evening emotionally preparing myself to see Theo again. Talking to Iris had leveled me out significantly—it no longer felt like the world was ending and I was starting to think I could handle talking to Theo about everything.

But by the next morning, I was feeling a little less confident.

The speech I’d been rehearsing and rewriting in my head all night felt…

wrong. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it.

I had the self-awareness to realize everything I was saying was with the undercurrent of, we can try, but I don’t know if I really even want it to work out, and this feels like too much work, and is it really worth it in the long run? Like, really?