Page 53

I hated all of it. I could see what I was doing so clearly.

And while bullshit like that worked in relationships that weren’t so involved, I knew Theo would see right through it.

She might let me go, but she would do it knowing that I was just scared underneath it all—I was scared I’d have to give up my dream or that she’d have to give up hers, that there were too many compromises for us to work through, that we worked best in a relationship that wasn’t meant to be anything serious .

But I knew I’d have to talk to her. I couldn’t keep putting it off or giving her half-assed answers. I knew she knew she was getting the run-around; I was just fortunate that she was patient enough to not get mad at me for it.

As I was about to leave for class, I grabbed my phone and considered texting Theo. I hated this part—the talking, the big feelings. Even though I knew she liked me, it felt like the hardest part was still yet to come. I wanted to run and hide.

I was about to slip my phone back in my coat pocket, not ready to text her yet, when it vibrated with an email notification. When I saw that it was from one of the schools I applied to, my heart nearly fell to the floor.

“Oh god,” I whispered to myself. I stepped off of the sidewalk so people could get by, my heart pounding.

I half-closed my eyes as I pressed to open it.

When I saw the word Congratulations! I nearly dropped my phone.

I pressed my hand to my mouth and let out a small squeal.

It wasn’t necessarily the highest ranked of the programs I’d applied to, but it was one I was still excited about.

The only issue was that it was in Texas. And chances were very high that Theo would be staying here in Colorado for basketball. If this was the only program I got accepted to, we were definitely going to have a problem.

I glanced at the clock. I didn’t have time to dwell on this; I had to get to my next class.

“Fuck,” I muttered and shoved my phone into my pocket, pushing it—and my pending conversation with Theo—to the back of my mind. Rather than making the decision easier, this seemed to only make things harder.

Because, I realized as I was walking to class, what I really wanted was an excuse to stay here with her.

After talking to Iris again in a panic about my acceptance, she reached the point where she just kept repeating talk to Theo talk to Theo talk to Theo and I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.

She’d also emphasized the obvious—I’d applied to other programs, so there was always a chance I’d get accepted somewhere else, including the one I’d applied to in Colorado.

In the hour leading up to Theo coming over, I was sick to my stomach in a way I never had been before.

I’d been nervous to see her, nervous about where everything might go, but not completely overwhelmed like this.

And Iris was out working so it would just be me and Theo; I didn’t know if that made it better or worse.

I didn’t know what her thoughts were on the situation.

Our texts hadn’t been anything particularly direct, and it also probably wouldn’t be obvious that something was up between us to anyone else.

But I knew the way that we talked to each other usually, and our texts were nothing like that.

They were drier and more direct, and outside of Theo traveling for basketball, this was the longest we’d gone without seeing each other—and it was entirely because of me.

After buzzing Theo into the apartment, I sat on the couch and waited. And then, because sitting felt weird, I hovered in the kitchen. And then back to the living room. When the front door finally opened, I was relieved that the anticipation part could at least finally be over now.

“Hey,” Theo said as she walked into the apartment.

As soon as a I saw her, I crumbled completely.

All of the things I’d been telling myself to try and create space—that basketball was always going to be the most important thing to her, that it would honestly kind of suck to be dating to be dating a household name, that Theo’s nice persona was inevitably going to fade—disappeared into nothing.

I felt awake again for the first time in days just looking at her. I wanted to crawl into her lap and never get up.

“Hi,” I said, fighting off the overwhelming urge to cry for whatever reason. I couldn’t believe myself—what the fuck was happening to me? When did I become this girl?

She walked over to the couch and I followed her. When we sat down, we still sat close enough that our bodies brushed each other. I ached to touch her, to run my fingers through her hair.

“How is everything?” Theo asked. She sounded mostly normal, which was somewhat of a surprise to me.

Despite her gentleness over text, I’d been expecting she might be less accommodating in person.

But there was no underpinning of frustration or annoyance.

She was talking to me affectionately, not rudely.

I realized I’d been expecting her to do that—to get mean with me. I’d maybe almost been hoping she would do that so it would be easier to end things right then. I could cut and run from an asshole guilt-free. It was harder when it was someone nice .

“I got my first grad school acceptance,” I said softly, picking at the threads of my couch.

“Maya, that’s amazing,” she said genuinely. “Which program was it?”

“The one in Texas.”

“That’s huge. Fully funded, right?”

I nodded and smiled a little bit at the enthusiasm in her voice. I glanced up at her. “I didn’t know if you’d be excited for me or not.”

“Why wouldn’t I be excited for you?”

I paused. “I haven’t been…super nice.”

“We’ve both had a lot going on,” Theo said. “Is it that we celebrated Valentine’s Day together? Did it feel like too much?” She ducked her head down to try and catch my eye. “It hasn’t gotten past me that we haven’t talked about labels. I know we’re taking our time.”

“No,” I said earnestly. It was a surprise to realize that the core of it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be exclusive and serious with Theo. If anything, I wanted that so badly.

“Are you sure? It’s okay if you’re not ready.”

“No, I really think I am,” I said. I curled myself up on the couch and looked in her direction. “I think I just keep coming up with a million reasons why we shouldn’t.”

Theo nodded slowly, taking in what I was saying. “I get that. Tell me what you’re worried about. Talk to me,” she pleaded.

I fought off the urge to cry again, feeling suddenly way too exposed and vulnerable.

“Um. I don’t know,” I said. “Sorry, that’s a lie.

I do know. I don’t know why I said that.

” I took a deep breath. “I think I’m worried about what’s going to come next.

Like, is there really a point in continuing to do this if we know there’s a chance we’ll end up in different places, doing different things?

And even if we end up in the same place, are we really going to be able to see each other? ”

Theo sat with it for a second, looking straight ahead instead of at me. “I think all of that is really reasonable.”

“Do you have the same concerns?” I asked.

Theo twisted her mouth in thought. “No, not really.”

I was surprised and confused, overwhelmed and elated and nervous, all at once. “Why not?” I asked. “You said it yourself—we’ve both had a lot going on.”

“I mean, I like you,” she said, like it was as simple as that.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to make that work, even if we have a lot going on.

” She turned to look at me. “You can try and push me away all you want, but I’m going to try just as hard to stay.

I’ll leave if you really want me to and we can let it all go.

But I personally don’t want that. I never have. ”

“Even if I have to go to school in Texas?”

“There’s a team out there that I’d play against. I’m sure I’d be able to justify a visit to you while I’m out there,” she said. “And I’d see you all the time in the offseason.”

“It’s a big state. I might be far from you.”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of a big deal,” she said, half-joking.

“I have strings I can pull when I want to. And unlike college basketball, professional basketball is primarily a summer sport, so your workload might not be as bad because it’s outside of the traditional school year. We’ll be able to see each other.”

“I’ll probably still be doing research. And teaching.”

“And I’ll be playing basketball. We’ll just be two people with jobs.”

My heart swelled, feeling hopeful for the first time in what felt like forever that maybe we really could figure this out.

Theo seemed so serious about making it work.

It was hard not to believe her when she made it all sound so easy.

We were going to be just two people with jobs, albeit unusual ones.

But then I thought about it practically—flights and FaceTime calls.

I imagined watching Theo on TV more than I was able to see her in person.

There was a chance I might not even be able to enjoy her early career as a pro basketball player because I’d be so busy with my own work.

The first five years at least of her playing would be spent with me in school.

And then I couldn’t imagine I’d ever want to be the kind of girl who stayed at home, no matter how much money Theo was able to bring in. We’d both always be busy .

“I can tell there’s something going on in your head,” Theo said. “You’ve been quiet for too long.”

“Sorry, there’s just…a lot to think about,” I said.

“I know,” she said. “And that’s okay. You don’t have to figure it all out now. But you’re the girl that I want, Maya. The only one. I’m willing to wait for you. I want to wait for you.”

My eyes finally welled up with tears after threatening to fall the entire time we’d been talking.

I’d never had someone speak to me that way, so earnestly holding onto what we had.

It was the most special and most cared for I’d ever felt in my life.

And all I could think about was how Theo didn’t deserve me acting this way.

She didn’t need someone who was going to make her wait.

“Oh, Maya,” Theo said softly as I started crying harder.

She moved closer to me and I leaned into her shoulder.

She moved her hands up and down my back with a feather-light touch.

It was so comforting and exactly what I needed.

She was always so good at that, always so tuned into what would help me.

“I think I’m in love with you,” I admitted into her neck, the words coming out effortlessly.

I’d never really said them to anyone before, other than my mom or Iris.

Definitely never to a partner. I didn’t feel it easily and I definitely didn’t communicate it easily.

But just like with everything else, I love you felt easy with Theo.

“I know you’re in love with me,” she said and I laughed through my tears. She gently wiped the tears from under my eyes. “I love you too.”

Hearing that Theo loved me was everything to me.

As soon as she said it, I understood what everyone meant when they talked about love.

It wasn’t necessarily fireworks or excitement or rain-soaked confessions—it was a partner fighting to stay even when I was pushing her away.

It felt like safety and familiarity and sturdiness.

But love wasn’t the only thing that mattered right now. It just made it all the more painful.

“I’m sorry I don’t know what to do,” I whispered.

“You don’t need to know what to do but I understand being careful,” she said. “I’m actually surprised you’re not jumping headfirst into this and waiting for it to crash and burn like you do with everything else.”

“It’s because I actually like you.”

Theo snorted. “Okay, fair.”

I stayed curled up in Theo’s arms for as long as I could, trying to pretend that none of this was actually happening. I wanted to live in the happy little bubble we’d created throughout Theo’s season. It hadn’t been the easiest schedule, but it had been good. We’d found ways of seeing each other.

“You can think about it,” Theo said, pressing her lips to the top of my head. “Maybe don’t think on it forever, but I’ll be here. I’m not letting you go that easy.”

I nodded, not knowing what else there was to say.