Page 24

Ellie

P ain is only temporary.

I thought I understood what that meant, but it seems I don’t have a clue because it’s been a whole week since my world literally shattered into pieces and it still feels like my heart is going to implode at any moment. I read somewhere that we feel pain for different reasons. Some people find a way to heal from it, but others carry that pain with them no matter where they go. It never leaves them; they just get better at hiding it. Then something comes along months or even years later. A memory. A smell. A sound.

And it picks away at that wound, tearing off the scab and reopening it and the pain is back like it never left in the first place.

There’s nothing temporary about feeling like this.

Feeling like this is my new reality.

For the third time today, my phone lights up and vibrates beside me. I don’t reach for it. I don’t try to silence it or end the call either. Instead, I watch the incoming call play out through swollen, reddened eyes until it mercifully ends. Only then do I pick up my mobile and flip it over so that the screen is facing my mattress. I don’t bother checking to see who it was. I already know.

Ever since that day at the hospital, Colin has called me dozens of times. Sometimes once a day, other times twice or on days like these he’ ll try multiple times. He’s been texting me non-stop as well, but I haven’t read any of his messages, because I know that just seeing one pleading word from him will cause me to cave and go back on my promise. Apart from a few phone calls with my mum, the daily visits from Nat and Liv and the emails I’ve sent to my professors asking for extensions on some of my assignments, because I’m ‘sick’, I’ve hardly had contact with anyone. Thank God, Professor Garrick agreed to give me extra time to work on the article as well. I haven’t even been able to look at my laptop lately.

It’s been unbelievably hard.

Harder than I anticipated or ever imagined it would be.

I can literally feel bits of my soul chip away every time I silence a call or ignore one of his texts. Liv told me Colin was released from the hospital the following morning after the attack and that he’s been resting his knee as much as possible while also doing PT sessions with a trainer every day this past week. According to her, they’ve postponed the match by a week and he’s going to start training again on Monday. Beyond that, I don’t know much else about what he’s been doing or what he’s been going through.

What I do know is I hate being away from him like this.

And I hate that I keep deluding myself into thinking that everything will be okay when I don’t know if it will be. I should be with him right now. I should be the one helping him through this difficult time. I should be supporting him and not a day has gone by where I haven’t wondered if I did the right thing or not when I left the hospital. Maybe I am overacting. Maybe Marco won’t try anything else, but a serious knee injury can be career-ending for any athlete and being able to kick is a key component to Colin’s success as a rugby player .

Last time I checked, you can’t kick if your knee is jeopardised.

Even with all the training and PT sessions in the world and a bit of extra time to heal, physically, Colin won’t be anywhere near where he was at the beginning of the season when he plays in the final. He’s compromised and maybe that’s exactly what Marco wanted. He thrives off competition and humiliation. He lives for it and now he has something over Colin.

I got to you once, I’ll get to you again.

Mentally, he’ll use that to his advantage.

I heard from Natalie that the attack was reported to the police and that Mr Hunt and the university tried to pin it on Marco, but the allegations didn’t stick. It was foggy that morning so Colin couldn’t positively identify him and even though people nearby heard the attack and rushed over to help, none of them got a clear look at Marco’s face either. Not to mention no DNA or fibres were left behind either. The case was dropped within a few days and chalked up as nothing more than a robbery gone wrong.

I bet that did wonders for Marco’s ego.

If he got away with it once, who’s to say he can do it again?

I can’t risk that.

Can I?

I’ve been stewing in my bed, constantly debating with my head and my heart over what I should do, because in my heart, all I want is to be with Colin, every second of every day, but in my head, I can’t escape the paralysing fear that it might get him hurt again.

Someone knocks softly on my bedroom door, but in my current state, I can’t even bring myself to acknowledge it. Besides, I already know who it is anyway. I listen as it creaks open and a moment later the mattress dips when Liv settles herself down next to me, hugging me around the middle and huddling into my back. Nat steps into view seconds later, holding what looks like a glass of orange juice and a plate with a cold meat sandwich on it.

“We thought we’d bring you some lunch and check on you. See how you’re doing.” She says, setting the glass and plate down on my bedside table.

She takes a seat on the edge of the mattress, brushing the hair out of my face.

“How are you feeling?” Liv asks behind me.

I shrug a shoulder, not quite sure what to tell them.

I feel like shit.

I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since the last time I saw Colin. I haven’t eaten much. I barely have enough energy to get up and shower most days. I feel like I made a mistake, but that I didn’t at the same time. I’m confused and tired. I’ve cried myself to a restless sleep more times than I can count. It’s like I’m broken beyond repair and nothing they say or do will fix it or make it better.

“I just miss him.” I croak out, curling in on myself as fresh moisture gathers in my eyes again, “I miss him so much.”

It’s agonising.

Liv’s arms tighten around me and Natalie’s face crumbles. It’s the first time I’ve admitted that to either of them out loud since they came home and found me in here, sobbing into my pillow. Not that I’ve needed to say it. I’m sure they’ve both been able to tell how I’ve been feeling with or without words.

“I really think you should talk to him, El,” Nat suggests tentatively. “I understand why you did what you did and I get that you’re trying to protect him, but there must be a way for the two of you to figure this out and be together.”

“Nat’s right,” Liv agrees gently, “You can’t let Marco get in the way of your happiness, babe. You’re completely miserable without Colin and from what I’ve heard he’s fucking miserable without you as well. Maybe there’s a way around this.”

My heart tugs painfully and my lips wobble just hearing that. Liv’s right, I am completely lost without him, but knowing that Colin feels the exact same way is enough to make me nauseous.

“It’s not that simple, guys. Don’t you understand? Colin got hurt because of me . Because of our relationship. Even if Marco doesn’t do anything to him ever again, who’s to say someone else won’t come along and try to use me or our relationship against him in the future?” I stare glumly at my mattress, curling my arms tighter around my knees, “He’s better off without me.”

When Colin told me about his father’s strict no-dating policy, I’ll admit, I thought it was a little over the top. Professional athletes are always dating new people or getting married. Yes, some of them get wrapped up in sex or cheating scandals, but most of them end up having successful partners and even families without any negative consequences. Relationships don’t always lead to disaster and that’s what I believed when Colin and I started dating. If we could find a way to make this work, then we would be fine no matter what challenges came our way. Then the attack happened and it made me realise that as wonderful as relationships are, his father is right about them; they can be a distraction, an obstacle or an unnecessary stress for an athlete, especially a budding rugby player whose professional career is just about to start.

That’s the last thing Colin needs in his life right now.

The last thing he needs is me.

What if people, like journalists or fans, try to use our relationship against him?

What if he starts paying more attention to our relationship instead of his career?

What if I end up being more of a hindrance to his success rather than an asset or benefit like I’d want to be?

What if he regrets choosing me?

I…I love him.

I love him more than anything and I know I’m just speculating at this point and that it’s not fair for me to make this choice without discussing it with him or hearing him out first. We will talk and I’ll let him try to convince me to reconsider. Maybe he’ll even succeed. I just want to work through it clearly in my mind first and, more importantly, I want him to get through this final game.

I want him focused and prepared.

“He came by to see you this morning,” Natalie says.

My heart jolts, my eyes shooting up to hers. “He did?”

“I told him you were sleeping, but said that I’d pass along a message if he wanted to leave one.”

“Did he?”

She shakes her head. “All he said is that he wants you to talk to him. He looked completely defeated though, Ellie. Like he’s losing hope that you’ll ever reach out to him.”

I press my lips together, my stomach churning and squeezing anxiously. I can only imagine what he looked like. His face contorted with pain and anguish; his blue eyes dimmed with sadness and no sense of hope. I hate it and it hurts like hell, but not nearly as much as the thought of losing him for good. If it really comes down to it though, I’ll put myself through that agony if it means he’ll be safe. I’ll do it willingly, even if it means coming the closest to being dead, I’ll ever be without dying.

“Do you think I made a mistake?” I ask quietly.

“I don’t know,” Liv answers, “I think you reacted the way most people would if they were trying to protect someone they care about. I know I would have done that if I was doing it for the two of you.”

I give her a soft smile over my shoulder. There’s no question about it. We would all do that for each other.

“Does it feel like you made a mistake?” Nat asks me instead.

I frown but remain silent, not sure what to say.

Was walking away a mistake?

Would staying with him be one?

I can’t tell anymore.

“It’s…complicated.” It’s a horrible answer really, but it’s the best one I’ve got.

My friend nods her head, reaching forward and taking my hand in hers. “Listen, El if you feel like you have to question a decision after you’ve made it, then there was probably something wrong with it to begin with.”

I sigh heavily because she’s right. I know she is. This is a selfless act. It’s me keeping a promise, but how is this better for anyone? Graeme wants to keep his brother out of harm's way, but considering Natalie’s point changes things. If extracting myself from Colin’s life was the correct thing to do then it wouldn’t be this hard and I wouldn’t feel so goddamn conflicted about it all the time. The moment I ran out of that hospital room I wanted to take everything back, but I forced myself to keep going, believing that even though the decision was tearing me apart, it was for the greater good.

How is this good though?

How is feeling like this any better for either of us?

From the sounds of it, Colin is more distracted than he ever was when we were together.

“I just …I don’t know what to do,” I murmur dejectedly.

“Do you love him?”

I meet Natalie’s eyes again. A part of me still wants to avoid answering that question out loud, but a much larger, more vulnerable part of me is sick of denying the truth at the same time.

“Yes.” I whisper, sucking in a short, steadying breath before I continue, “I love him so much. It feels like I can’t exist properly without him.”

“Well, I think you know what you have to do then.” Nat answers, smiling down at me.

“I’m not sure I do.”

She and Liv exchange a silent, but knowing look before Liv’s arms disappear and she moves out from behind me. When she takes a seat beside Natalie on the mattress, an unmistakable energy swirls around them, matching the unwavering determination shining in their eyes. My gaze darts between them, even more confused.

“What are you two doing?”

They share a smile and a look, wordlessly grabbing me by the arms and hauling me upright without warning .

“We’re helping you figure out what you need to do,” Natalie explains matter-of-factly. “First you’re going to get out of this bed and sort yourself out.”

“Then you’re going to finish writing that article.” Liv continues, beaming widely at me.

“And when all of that is over and done,” Nat squeezes my hand encouragingly, “You’re going to sit down with Colin and you’re going to make things right with him.”

Liv slides an arm around my shoulders, hugging me to her. “And we’re going to help you, every step of the way.”