Page 39 of These Shattered Memories

I swallow, heat travelling up my spine. “Of course.”

And with that, he turns and walks away, leaving me standing there, the weight of his words settling heavily on my shoulders.

It feels like this meeting was useless. We still have no answers, but maybe it will make whoever is behind this panic and act rashly. Frustration simmers beneath my skin. Staying here driving myself half mad won’t fix this, but I know something that might help—Alex.

I drive to his apartment without thinking.

As much as I know he needs time, I still need to see him, to feel him next to me.

I keep telling myself to give him space, let him process everything that has happened in the last few days, but my head and my heart are speaking two different languages.

I can’t stay away. I need to see him. Just …

see him. Maybe then, this gnawing ache in my chest will ease up.

By the time I’m outside his apartment, my heart is in my throat. I knock, my hand steady and when the door swings open, I immediately feel the tenseness in my shoulders ease.

He’s dressed in grey sweatpants and a navy-blue hoodie, his hair slightly damp.

Despite everything, he’s still just as beautiful.

Brown eyes meet my own, and they are warm, happy even.

He looks better than he did two days ago—the colour is back in his face and the bruises almost faded—but he still looks off.

I want the Alex who stood outside Spirito a few weeks ago and told me to go to hell. I want the Alex who asked me to kiss him in the middle of my kitchen, eyes glinting with desire. Now, he mostly looks withdrawn, his fire snuffed, and I hate it.

“I know it’s late,” I start. Ten-thirty, to be exact. “But I needed to see you.”

His expression shifts—something flickering in those eyes I can never stop staring into. “You did?” he asks softly.

I smile. “I did.”

There’s a beat of silence before he steps aside, letting me in.

His apartment is quiet, dimly lit with the smell of coffee lingering in the air.

I spot a candle burning on the table and smile.

I like how Alex’s apartment feels—lived-in and warm.

But it’s also alarmingly clean in here, the slight hint of bleach masked by the coffee-scented candle.

“You’ve been busy,” I say, looking around the cozy space.

“Needed something to do,” he replies, moving toward the kitchen. He pulls out two glasses and fills them with water. “I tend to clean when I’m overwhelmed. Picked it up when I was a kid.”

When he still lived in Canning with those awful foster parents. I can’t begin to imagine the filth they made Alex and those children live in.

He hands me a glass and our fingers brush. It’s nothing, but it sends a jolt of electricity through me.

“How are you doing?” I ask.

He gives me a weak smile. “Getting there. Halle’s been hovering, which helps even though I’d never tell her that.”

I’m grateful for Halle’s hovering too. It’s the only way I’ve known whether he’s had something to eat.

“I’ve been trying to give you space,” I say, my voice quieter now. “But I needed to check on you.”

His eyes soften. “I’m fine,” he says, but there’s a tremor in his voice. Then he lets out an uneven laugh that tells me he’s lying.

“You don’t have to pretend to be fine,” I tell him, stepping closer to him. “Not with me.”

He stares at me for a long moment, his jaw working like he’s trying to find the right words. Then he exhales, the sound heavy.

“I’ve just been thinking about what all of this means.” He swallows. “I mean what we mean. When we were together before, as much as we both know we loved each other, it was based on a lot of lies and a lot of lust. This is all so new, and I don’t know if…” trails.

I wait for him to continue, trying my best not to panic.

“I want you, Rowan, but I’m terrified of it. Everything with Kane and Haze, it’s so messy and yet, you feel safe. You feel good even when something in the back of my mind is telling me I shouldn’t feel that way. That I should be running in the opposite direction.”

I’m everything but good. I don’t know where I fit into Alex’s world, or if I even deserve to. But I do know one thing. I’ll protect him with everything I have. I’ll fight off every demon, doubt and worry he has until he can just be himself—the most formidable man I know.

“You’re right,” I tell him. “We didn’t have the best start but think about those quiet moments. The cherry sour runs at three in the morning, the feel of your hand in mine as we walked along the river. All of those things were just us, nothing else. You and me. That’s what I want us to be.”

His lips twitch, curving into the faintest smile, but a smile, nonetheless. Moisture dances in his eyes and my vision blurs, too.

“I want that too, but do you think this ends well for us?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “But I can’t let you go again. I can’t make that mistake again.”

For a moment, Alex just stands there, looking at me carefully, then without a word, he steps closer, coming to wrap his arms over my shoulders.

“So, we’re doing this?” he asks.

I nod. “I honestly don’t think we ever truly stopped. I’ve been obsessed with you from the moment I laid my eyes on you.”

His tiny smile spreads into a grin. “Smooth.”

I shrug. “You know me.”

“I missed you,” he whispers.

“I missed you too,” I say.

For the first time in days, it feels like I can breathe again and this time, I don’t think. I just reach out, brushing my fingers along his jaw. His skin is warm, his stubble rough under my fingertips.

He leans into my touch, his eyes half-lidded as his lips part slightly. It’s like gravity takes over, pulling us closer together until there is no space between us.

“Alex,” I whisper, his name heavy on my tongue. “Tell me to stop.”

His gaze drops to my mouth, and he shakes his head. “Don’t,” he says, his voice barely more than a breath.

That’s all the permission I need.

My lips brush against his. It’s soft at first, tentative, like we’re testing the waters. But then Alex lets out a quiet sigh, his hand curling around the back of my neck, and suddenly, it’s like a dam breaks.

I kiss him deeper, my hand sliding to his waist. He responds with just as much urgency, his fingers tangling in my hair. The taste of him floods my senses—mint and something distinctly Alex—and I’m completely undone.

My fingers brush the hem of his hoodie, and the soft fabric is nothing compared to the heat of his skin beneath when his body rubs against mine, warm and solid, and for the first time in what feels like forever, the rest of the world falls away. It’s just him. Just us.

When we finally pull apart, both of us are breathing hard, our foreheads resting against each other. His eyes flutter open, and the way he’s looking at me—like I’m something worth holding onto—makes my chest ache in a way I didn’t know was possible.

“I missed you,” I say, my voice rough.

He laughs quietly, his breath ghosting over my lips. “You already said that.”

“I mean it,” I say, cupping his face in my hands. “You have no idea how much.”

Alex leans into my touch again, rubbing himself against me suggestively and smirking. “I think I’m starting to get the picture.”

I lift my eyebrow in question.

“I want you, Rowan,” he says quietly, grinding his hips against mine. “Please.”

He is too beautiful to resist. “Bed. Now .”

Seeing Alexander Kimura naked is a pleasure that should be afforded to anyone who enjoys looking at beautiful men, but luckily for me, it’s not because he’s all mine. He gazes up at me, eyes heavy with lust, and my dick twitches in my jeans, begging to be let out.

I want to take my time with him, want to see his body writhe as I fuck him. He slides off the bed and sinks to his knees, looking up at me with those caramel-coloured eyes, and I think I’m dizzy from the sight of him. If only beauty could be bottled.

“I want to taste you,” he murmurs, reaching to undo my button.

“Please, go ahead,” I tell him.

He slides the zip down, his hand painfully slow as he reaches to grab my cock. It springs out, already hard just from seeing him naked. “We have a lot of catching up to do,” he says, eyes still trained on me. He makes a show of licking his palm and begins to stroke me gently.

“Oh, fuck yes we do,” I murmur, my head falling back as he finally wraps those beautiful lips around the head of my cock and sinks down to the hilt. A strained groan leaves my mouth, my hand travelling to settle in his hair as he slowly pulls back.

“ Jesus , Alex,” I murmur.

And somehow Haze, Kane, The Keepers all slip away and all I can see is him. He moves slow and deliberate, wrapping his hand around the base and pushing back and forth, way too skilled, it almost pisses me off.

I feel too impatient; I need to be inside him—to ruin him and make sure anyone before me never crosses his mind again. I pull him up and push him onto the bed. He looks up at me through lust-heavy eyes.

“You don’t want my mouth?” he pouts.

“I want something else more.” I lean over him, caging him with my arms.

He smiles and my lips crash against his, my hands exploring every inch of him that they can reach. It’s nothing like the night we spent in the townhouse together. There is an added layer to this, a vulnerability and honesty I haven’t felt with anyone before, not even with him two years ago.

I kiss him, hard and desperate, my hands getting reacquainted with a bit of skin and following with my mouth and tongue.

When I slide inside him, a cry escapes both our mouths, desperate and carnal.

I move slowly, taking my time to feel and to hear, to experience every little thing I can about him. Every little thing I have missed.

He feels like heaven.

He might just be heaven.

“I’m never letting you go again,” I breathe, our sweaty forehead touching as I move inside him. “I think it’s important you know that now. You aren’t going anywhere unless it’s by my side.”

“I wouldn’t let you,” he whispers, his back arching, meeting my thrust with his raised hips. He meets my eyes and there is something so honest in them, like I could ask him anything and he would tell me, and the words spill out of my mouth easily.

“I love you, Alex. I should have said it back then. I love you so much, it’s terrifying.”

A quiet gasp escapes his mouth, his eyes glassy. “I love you too. Completely.” He pulls me down to his lips by my neck and kisses me desperately, pretty sounds escaping his mouth as I fuck him a little harder.

“You feel amazing,” I tell him and for a while, all there is around us is the sound of our breathing, the world melting away as I lose myself within him.

It’s past midnight and Alex is slotted in my arms like he belongs there. I’m teetering on the edge of sleep, and I feel a little drunk, but I don’t want to sleep yet. I want to stay in this moment, watching him, just in case he disappears.

He shifts in my arms to look at me, his expression serious. Shadows dance on his face from the lamp on the side table. “I still want to help,” he says. “With Haze.”

I almost groan. I’m floating on post-orgasm bliss and Haze is the last thing I want to talk about right now. “Can’t we just go back to cuddling?” I moan.

He shakes his head. “I’m serious. Haze is dangerous and if we can stop it, then why shouldn’t we? We might have different motivations for this, but bodies are piling up and this could get bad fast.”

Except maybe the person who is behind this.

“You were almost killed. I don’t want you anywhere near this anymore,” I say.

“I’m not some damsel in distress,” he argues. “I was constantly in danger working for the OCU. As sweet as that sentiment is, I can take care of myself.”

Of course I know this. Alex is from Canning, and he can handle himself without my help but images of Rachel Anders pointing a gun to his head still flash before my eyes and all the bruises and wounds that marred his skin for days.

Would I be considered a controlling boyfriend if I locked him in the townhouse?

“I still hate it,” I say.

He laughs, planting a quick kiss on my mouth. Begrudgingly, I have to admit he’s right. The meeting with The Keepers gave us nothing and at this point, it feels like we’re chasing our tails. If Key’s contact doesn’t move, we’re screwed.

“My mother called a meeting with The Keepers today. I was hoping one of them would give something away.”

“And?” Alex asks.

“Nothing. If the person behind this is among them, they did a pretty good job at looking innocent.”

“Shit,” he murmurs.

“Yeah.”

“And Key’s contact?” he asks.

“Nothing yet. He hasn’t met with anyone. Something feels weird about all of this.”

“Why don’t I pay him a visit?” Alex asks. “I can pretend I’m investigating a death or something and he won’t know who I am. It’s a million times better than you or anyone in The Snake doing it.”

I lift an eyebrow. “Are you going to back to the OCU?”

He bites his bottom lip. “Honestly, I don’t know. Right now, it just feels like I can’t trust anything.”

I can see the conflict in his eyes. Alex is good at his job, and I know that despite everything, a part of him does still care about the work the OCU does.

“I still need to figure all of this out, but maybe I can do this one last thing before I hand in my badge,” he continues.

“Okay,” I say, leaving the decision up to him. If I had it my way, he’d never have to work a day in his life again, but Alex doesn’t strike me as a stay-at-home kind of guy, and I know no part of him wants to work for The Snake. I’m just happy that whatever he chooses, I’ll be at his side.

“Have you spoken to Kane’s wife?” I ask, changing the subject.

His face falls slightly as he nods. “Not much. I checked in and she said she needed time. Kane told her everything, and she’s gone to her parents’ with the girls.”

Isaac Kane deserves so much worse, but Alex did the right thing. He’s a better than I am, that’s for sure. My hand finds his cheek, cradling it gently as I brush my thumb against his soft skin. “I’m proud of you, Alex.”

He beams. “You’re sweet when you’re in love.”

I lift an eyebrow. “I can fuck you again and show you just how sweet I am?”

He laughs, settling back in my arms. “I’m still going to help. Whether you like it or not. I can’t just sit back and let this descend into more chaos. The Judiciary, The Snake, The Scarlet Ravens, it could cause a war and that’s more innocent people dead.”

Keeping him away from this is a losing battle and his badge might scare whoever is behind this into action. Alex is right, and it’s a good plan, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

“Let the record show that I don’t like this,” I murmur.

He pats my bare chest placatingly. “Duly noted.”