Page 24 of These Shattered Memories

She smiles. She’s a great girl and I know she’ll figure it out, eventually. “That sucks, but thanks for letting me know.” She shrugs. “Good luck with it.”

That’s Chelsea. Easy and straight forward. Why can’t more people be like her.

“Thanks. You too.”

When I start driving, I don’t need my GPS to tell me where I’m going.

The light coming from Alex’s apartment lets me know he’s home. Tonight, his window is shut, meaning I won’t get the satisfaction of scaring him again. For a second, I consider turning my car around and driving back home or maybe to Blue Lily, but I don’t.

I can’t be a coward.

I don’t know what it is about Alex, but from the moment I met him, I’ve had this carnal desire for him, and I can’t suppress it anymore.

I am wholly aware that I shouldn’t try and satisfy that need—it’s impossible to do so, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try.

It’s why I stood completely still, knowing full well what he was up to and who he was.

It’s why I’m knocking on his door now, even when I know this is a terrible idea because eventually one of us will betray the other and this time it will get bloody.

The door swings open and I’m met by a mussed haired Alex wearing an old college t-shirt and shorts, but it’s not the clothes that catch my attention; it’s the puffiness of his eyes and the red around them.

He’s been crying.

An unfamiliar feeling settles inside me.

Guilt , I realise.

What the fuck?

“It’s you,” he says, the surprise clear in his voice.

“It’s me,” I say, putting on my best smile, no matter how unnatural it feels right now. “Are you going to let me in?”

He frowns. “Why should I?”

“Because I saved your ass from a dangerous guy last night.” I shrug. “And tonight, I knocked.”

“You barely did anything,” he mutters.

I try a different angle. “Tell me about the person who sent you those emails.”

“No,” he says, but he still moves aside to let me into his cozy little apartment filled with plants and pictures and candles. He turns back to face me, arms crossed, a frown on his face. “Why are you really here, Rowan?”

I’m not very good at sincerity, or at least genuine sincerity. I’ve lived my life getting what I want through a smile and a quick compliment. This is uncharted territory, but I press on anyway. “Just, tell me about them. Please?”

He’s quiet for a moment before he shrugs, as if deciding that telling me the truth doesn’t put him at risk. “I think they are probably involved with the police somehow. It’s the only way they would get their hands on Halle’s file or know where the case is.”

Dirty cops.

Nothing new.

We have dozens of them in our pockets constantly feeding us information, which begs the question why none of them flagged the raid at Summit. Something else is going on.

“Whoever is behind those emails, you can’t trust them,” I say.

Alex snorts, defiance flashing in his eyes. “And I can trust you?”

I take a careful step forward. He doesn’t move, his gaze locking with mine. I hate the thrill that suddenly surges up my spine. Why does being close to him make me feel like this?

“Better the devil you know.”

He tilts his head. “I don’t know you, Rowan.”

A laugh escapes me—short, humourless. That’s the furthest thing from the truth because sometimes, I think he’s the only one who truly knows me.

Well, the version of me before it all went to hell.

Young, arrogant, with a severe god complex.

He’d studied me well and despite me knowing who he was, I never tried very hard to hide myself from him.

At first, it felt like a game I could win until I realised I was losing and there was no way to catch up.

I was falling hard and fast, doing and feeling things I’d never felt before.

“I have a proposal,” I say, ignoring his little swipe. “I want to lure out the person behind The Snake and I think you can help me do it.”

Alex narrows his eyes. “What would you give me in return?”

“Ah, Alex, always after something.” I laugh. “I’ll get you Halle’s file. In fact, I’ll do you one better, I’ll wipe every bit of evidence they have against her and make sure the Arnolds drop the case. That’s a promise.”

His gaze narrows. “What’s the catch?”

“Simple.” I lean closer. “Pretend to be someone else. Meet the supplier.”

Hayden and Xander will kill me, but I can worry about them later. I watch Alex roll his eyes and I kind of wish they were rolling for other reasons instead, but that can come later too. I need him to agree first.

“So, you’ve given up on killing me?” he asks.

“Yes.” It’s the truth.

“I’ll need to think about it,” he says.

“Great, you have twenty-four hours.”

For a moment, silence stretches between us, heavy and charged. Then Alex tilts his head, his voice almost hollow. “Is that all?”

No. It’s not. There’s something else—a desire clawing at the edges of my control. Something I’ve buried for years, only for it to surge back to life the moment I saw him again. It’s reckless, dangerous, and ultimately undeniable.

I run a hand through my hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. “I meant it when I said I’m sorry—for this morning, for everything before. You were right. You didn’t have a choice, and I didn’t make it any easier for you. I didn’t make you feel safe when I should have.”

Alex’s brow furrows. “Rowan—”

“No, let me finish,” I cut him off, the words tumbling out before I can stop them.

“I knew who you were, Alex. I knew from the start, and I still pursued you. I was a moth to your flame, and I just couldn’t help myself even when I knew you’d eventually burn me.

That night, you said you loved me; I wanted to say it back.

God, I wanted to. But I couldn’t.” My voice falters, the weight of the confession pressing down on me.

“I couldn’t give up The Snake. I let you go because I thought I had to. But now…”

His eyes flicker. “Now what?” he asks softly.

“Now, I don’t know what I want anymore.”

The admission leaves me raw, exposed in a way I haven’t been in years. I’ve always been sure of what I want. From the moment I was born, I relentlessly pursued the crown, that was until I tasted something far sweeter.

Alex’s eyes meet mine, and for a moment, I see something there—hope, maybe.

“I should have told you that you were safe with me,” I whisper. “That I loved you too, even when I told myself I didn’t.”

His breath hitches, his voice trembling. “You loved me?”

I nod once, unable to find the right words.

“But you said you didn’t.”

“Think about it, Alex. If I didn’t love you and I knew who you were all along, then why wouldn’t I get rid of you? You asked me yourself why I didn’t kill you. It’s because I couldn’t. I could never hurt you. Not like that, anyway. It’s taken me a long time to realise it, but that’s the truth.”

“You loved me back…” he says it quietly, more to himself than anything.

“I did,” I say . I think I still do , I don’t add.

“How do I know you aren’t lying to me? That this isn’t some sick game you’re playing?”

I suppose that’s fair. It is something I would do, so I decide to tell him the full fucked up truth of my desire for him.

“I’m not lying to you. I have been obsessed with you since I met you.

You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about coming up here in the middle of the night and fucking you whilst you’re half asleep just so you can never forget me.

I toured your building just so I could know what your apartment looks like inside.

I’ve slept in my car for days, just watching your apartment.

I want to know every single detail about you because not knowing where you are or what you’re thinking at all times makes me feel sick. ”

His lips part, his chest rising and falling in shallow breaths. The truth hangs heavy between us, undeniable and irreversible.

“You’ve been watching me,” he says finally, his voice laced with disbelief. “For how long?”

I used to watch him in those first few months only because I was terrified of what Xander or Hayden might do. Then it became an all-consuming obsession I had to quell with other activities that include lots of alcohol and lots of naked bodies.

Meticulous and obsessive. Half Hayden. Half Xander.

“I started again after Canning,” I confess.

“Started again?” he asks, voice rising slightly.

I try not to laugh, but it’s difficult not to. He looks horrified.

“No matter how hard I’ve tried to move on, it’s always been you, Alex. I can’t think straight without you somewhere in my mind.”

“You can’t—”

“You belong to me,” I say, invading his space again. “You’ve never stopped belonging to me.”

His lips part, eyes widening for only a second before he quickly recovers. I don’t give myself time to question it. I want this and judging from the tattoo that sits on his ribcage, he wants me too.

The air crackles with tension, the weight of everything unsaid pressing down on us. He swallows, his resolve crumbling just enough for me to see the vulnerability underneath.

“Kiss me,” I say. “Do what I wasn’t brave enough to do last night.”

Before he can argue, I grab his face, my thumb grazing the sharp line of his jaw as I press my lips to his. For a second, his body is rigid, but then he melts into me, his hands clutching my shirt and pulling me closer. His lips are soft, yielding, and every inch of me aches for more.

“You were drunk last night,” I murmur against his mouth, my voice low. “But now? Now you’re mine.”

His eyes flutter open, and I can see the war raging behind them. His hands drop, letting me go like I burn. “We shouldn’t,” he whispers, stepping back. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

I eye his trembling hands, his flushed face, the way he avoids my gaze. “We shouldn’t?” I ask.

“I’m serious, Rowan,” he says, face flushed. “I don’t know what to think. We can’t pretend everything that has happened between us didn’t.”

As much as I hate to admit it, he’s right. We stand at opposite ends, and I can’t ask him to give up everything he’s worked so hard for. He can’t trust me, and I can’t trust him either. Not fully, anyway. Not when we’re still who we are.

“That’s not all it is, is it?” I ask, watching him carefully.

He releases a shaky breath and meets my eyes.

My chest threatens to cave in on itself. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Alex. I’m sorry for every fucked-up word I’ve said.”

His lips spread into a thin smile. “I’m sorry too. For everything.”

It’s clear that any trust between us is fragile and it will take a while to rebuild. I can’t fuck with that, no matter how badly I want him.

And I may not care that he works for the OCU, but he cares that I might one day be The Head of The Snake.

But he doesn’t move away or freak out and that has to be enough for now. For the first time in weeks, my head is clear. I know exactly what I want. I want The Snake, but I want him too and I always get what I want.