Page 25 of These Shattered Memories

I can’t sleep. I stare at the ceiling, Rowan’s words playing over and over again in my head: he knew all along and he loved me.

None of it makes sense. I never thought for a second that it was possible, that he could possibly feel something.

Worse, a part of me wants to believe him, really wants to believe he could be telling the truth.

I cover my head with my pillow, muffling my scream. But before I know it, the sun is creeping up the horizon and filling my room, painting it a watery silver. I look at my watch, my eyes heavy with all the missed sleep.

I sigh quietly. There’s no point in me hanging out in bed and letting Rowan Vasilyev’s face and words torture me. I shuffle out of bed and head for the shower.

It’s seven thirty when I make it to the OCU building and a few people are already seated at their desks, steaming mugs of coffee in hand. I murmur a few good mornings, making pointless conversation with some of them before making my way to my own desk.

I get started on catching up with all my neglected cases, sifting through any collected evidence which I know I’m way behind on. Kane and the rest of the team have made good progress without me, but I know a few of them will start questions if I don’t get my shit together soon.

“Hey,” Kane says as he flops into his chair at nine and slides me a wrapped pain aux raisins. “Because I know you haven’t had anything to eat yet.”

“You’re amazing,” I say, smelling the buttery goodness of the pastry and taking a quick bite. “But doesn’t Tanya have you on a diet during the week?” I ask when I swallow down the first bite.

“I won’t tell if you don’t,” he says with a wink.

I shake my head, but I’m enjoying the pastry too much to care about his cholesterol. After a few minutes, he turns back to me, leaning back in his chair. “So, anything new on the Haze situation?”

My mood darkens in an instant. “Nothing yet,” I say honestly.

“What about Rowan? Has he reached out?”

I don’t think he wants to know that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him for the last two weeks, that I haven’t slept or that we’ve kissed, and my body has been begging for him in a way that is so familiar it’s disconcerting.

I shake my head. “Nope, nothing there either.”

Kane regards me closely then shrugs, not catching me on my lie or if he does, not bothering to push. “I’ve been doing a little digging on my end,” he says. “So, you know how Summit was raided by Homicide the other day?”

“Y-yeah,” I stutter out. It’s dizzying how much has changed in the last seventy-two hours.

He nods. “Well, it looks like they couldn’t find any evidence that she died in there, which means The Snake lives to fight another day like they always do.”

“That’s—” I start.

“Lucky?” he says.

I nod once, but a voice stops me before I can say anything.

“ Kimura !”

I look up to see Chief Anders approaching my desk.

A few people look at me, then back at her curiously.

She curls her fingers in a beckoning motion and my stomach falls.

Her face is calm, but the slight furrow in her brow tells me this isn’t just a friendly chat.

“Do you have a moment?” she says once she’s closer.

For a second I panic that she knows I’ve been carrying out an unauthorized investigation into Haze or worse, she knows about my meetings with Rowan.

But I stand anyway, following behind her and ignoring the other officers and detectives who whisper amongst themselves like I’m a student called in by the headmistress.

When we make it to her office in silence, she goes to take a seat behind her desk and nods at the door for me to shut it.

I do as I’m told before standing awkwardly in front of her. “Uh, is everything okay?”

“You tell me,” she says.

I try not to look nervous, but I know I look suspicious as hell right now. “I’m sorry, Chief, but I’m not sure what you’re referring to.”

Anders sighs loudly, flipping through a file on her desk before looking back up at me again. “Look, it’s no secret that you’ve been rather distracted in the last few weeks. A few people have mentioned it to me, and I’ll be honest, you look like you haven’t been getting much sleep, Alex.”

God, do I look that bad?

Anders holds up her hands. “I didn’t want to pry,” she says. “But I recently heard from a colleague in Homicide that they are looking into the Richard Arnold case again. He also told me they have a suspect, and her name is Halle Ellsworth. I believe she’s your sister, isn’t she?”

I open my mouth to say something, but she’s looking at me sympathetically. “I remember her from the Christmas party last year. Lovely girl,” Anders continues. “This must be difficult for both of you.”

The last thing I wanted was for anyone here to know about Halle’s case, but of course it would make it up to the chief.

“It’s nothing,” I lie, trying my best to look like I believe it. “She didn’t do it and I’m sure it will all be cleared up soon.”

“I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding,” she says, and my eyes refocus on her as she closes the file on the desk. “But it’s a distraction and I can’t have you in the line of fire if your head is not—”

“No,” I say too quickly and too loudly. I wince. “I mean I’m fine. I can handle it. My head is fully in the game. I promise.”

Liar .

She shakes her head. “Look, I didn’t want to say this, but someone on your team came to me. They think you aren’t doing your part and as much as I know you’re dedicated to this job; I don’t want to put any of your team members at risk.”

My heart is racing in my chest as I listen to her speak. A suspension is the last thing I need. “Am I getting suspended?”

Her eyes widen and she laughs. “ Suspended ? No! Alex, you’re one of my best. There’s no way I’d suspend you.”

I release a quiet breath, feeling my shoulders relax a little. A suspension would go on my record, and I don’t need my indiscretions to keep piling up. Although a suspension next to evidence tampering and working with The Snake wouldn’t look so bad.

“ But ,” she continues pointedly, “I think you might need a little break. When was the last time you took some time off?”

“I—”

“Exactly,” she says. “Why don’t you take two weeks out? Get some rest, get a massage. Take care of anything you’ve been putting off and support Halle through what must be a very difficult time for you both.”

I’m shaking my head before she’s done. “I promise I’m fine.”

Anders’ eyes assess me carefully. “This isn’t up for debate, Alex. Collect your stuff and I’ll see you in two weeks, okay? That’s an order.”

The way she looks at me lets me know there isn’t any room for further argument. Even if it’s the last thing I want to do, I also know she’s right and the more I’m distracted, the more people will wonder why I’m distracted.

I nod once. “Of course. Thank you, Chief.”

With that, I know I’ve been dismissed, but when I turn to leave, she stops me. “Oh, and Alex? If you need anything, just let me know. We’re all here for you.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I say quietly before heading back down to my desk.

Kane is still at his desk, doing another crossword, this time from the Senna Daily Post.

“Hosiery material, five letters,” he says without looking up.

“Nylon,” I murmur, closing my laptop and packing it into my bag.

“Where would I be without you?” he says, writing the letters down. When I hoist my bag up on my shoulder, he raises his brow curiously. “Going somewhere?”

“Anders knows about Halle,” I sigh. “She thinks I’ve been distracted, and a few other people have noticed too. So, she asked me to take two weeks out.”

“Suspension?” he asks, his frown deepening into thin lines on his tan forehead.

“No, just a break.”

“Shit, that’s lucky, right? If you’re not suspended, it means you’re still getting paid, and your file stays clean.” He’s right, and it does give me time to untangle everything going on with Haze. I still hate that I’m being forced to do it.

“I know,” I say.

“You’re great at what you do, and the team will miss you, but two weeks out will be good for you.

Plus, it gives you time to…” he trails, but I know what he means.

It gives me time to find out who is behind Haze.

“Why don’t we head to The Mast tonight and have a couple of drinks?

It’ll get your mind off things. Ask Halle to come along too. ”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll let you know.”

Kane gives me a quick salute and I make my way back home, reminding myself that this isn’t a suspension, and I need the break.

Only, when I get back to my apartment, there is a brown paper bag on the floor outside my front door. I pause; my bag hoisted up to my shoulder. I gingerly crouch to pick it up and when I assess the contents inside, something inside me comes undone completely.

A smile creeps up on my face unexpectedly as I pick out three bags of sour gummies. Apple, cherry and assorted.

There is a note at the bottom.

You were running out.

Thought you might want more - R

I push my door open, still unable to suppress the grin on my face.

It feels like forever ago that I was buying bags of cherry flavoured gummies that reminded me of the lady down the street in Canning.

When I was with Rowan, I always made sure he had a bag of them in his apartment, forcing him to venture outside whenever I ran out.

Maybe it’s silly that this is what gets my stomach fluttering with butterflies and hope, but Rowan remembering that part of our relationship makes it feel real.

Maybe it wasn’t all a lie.

Maybe he’s telling the truth.

Maybe he isn’t, a voice whispers in the back of my head, but I quickly push it away.

Pulling out my phone, I click on his number, swallowing down my nerves. He answers on the second ring, and I can hear the smile in his voice when he says a quiet hello.

“Hi,” I say, sounding more breathless than I intended. “How did you know I was running out of my cherry sours?”

He laughs, and it sends a ripple up my spine. I feel like a teenager, and I don’t know how to make it stop. It’s always felt like this with him. I was constantly a breathless mess, wrapped up in his charm and attention. I’m older now, but clearly it hasn’t gone away.

“I went through your kitchen cupboards when you were passed out.”

“Of course you did,” I murmur, sobering slightly.

“Is that why you called?” he asks after a second, “To thank me?”

“No, um,” I clear my throat, looking down at the paper bag again. “I wanted to tell you I’m in. I’ll meet Key’s contact if you promise me that Halle’s case goes away.”

“So, the cherry sours convinced you and not my very passionate confession?” he asks, and I can almost picture the smile on his face. “I don’t know whether I should be offended or not.”

I shake my head, trying to stop my lips from spreading into an idiotic grin. “Let’s say the sweets got you over the line.”

“I’ll take it.”

Halle was right. I can’t trust whoever is behind those emails to do what they said they would. And despite my feelings, I still don’t know if I can trust Rowan either, but better the devil you’ve fought and know how to win against or whatever the saying is.

“I need this to be over,” I say. “So, I’m trusting you.”

Rowan is quiet for a moment and not for the first time, I wish I was in his head and able to read his thoughts. “I meant every word last night,” he says finally, voice low and deliberate. “You belong to me, Alex, and if you want this to be over, I’ll make sure it’s done.”

My chest squeezes at that. Do I belong to him?

What does that even mean? It feels too heavy; something I don’t allow myself to dwell on for too long.

I want to trust him. I want to believe he’s helping me because he wants to, but there’s the undeniable fact that right now, I am useful to him, just like he’s useful to me, and what happens to us when I stop being useful?