Page 23 of These Shattered Memories

I wish I could turn back the clock and erase everything that happened with Alex this morning. I hated every second of that conversation. I hated every word that left my mouth, the way he looked at me, the way his eyes filled with tears I caused.

A part of me did want to see him hurt, but as soon as it happened, it made my stomach turn on itself. I know I was dick. I wanted to be dick but God, I hate myself for it.

I stood over the sink and heaved for half an hour after he left, as if I could purge the memory from my body but no luck.

I always knew who Alex was, but I stuck around because within a second, he managed to do something no one else could, he made me want something other than being the Head of The Snake. It terrified me. How could one person be capable of changing everything I’ve ever believed and wanted?

And sure, initially it was all based on lust but I quickly fell for the way he laughed, the way he held onto me like I was the only thing that mattered.

I lied about not loving him. I so obviously did and admitting that felt like too big a loss this morning. He would have known what kind of power he held over me— still holds over me. It’s too dangerous.

But it’s time I stop lying to myself.

I want him and I don’t think I’ve ever stopped.

Last night was an incredible act of self-control on my part. I don’t think I have it in me to deny him again.

A laugh ripples through the air, and I snap back to the present, burying all thoughts of Alex and focus on my brother. Blue Lily hums with music and whispered conversations, the pool outside shimmering under dim lights.

Xander lounges across from me, two companions clinging to him like accessories, a blond woman whose name I don’t remember nuzzling at his neck and a guy with bronze skin running a hand through his hair.

Out of the three of us, Xander obviously has the most colourful tastes, whilst Hayden wouldn’t sexually touch a woman with a ten-foot pole.

Before Alex, I always thought I was straight and then my eyes fell on him, and I was a goner.

I almost groan. Why does my mind keep drifting to him? I keep replaying last night in my mind, the way his skin felt under my hands, the way he pushed against me and—

“Are you okay?” Chelsea asks, holding my chin and making me look at her. “You seem a little distracted.”

Her long, pink nails dig into my skin, and she smells of something floral and sweet, something incredibly feminine that should make any man salivate, but somehow manages to make my stomach roll tonight.

“He has been weird, hasn’t he?” Xander chimes, eyes meeting mine. A smirk dances on his lips. “Everything okay, Ro?”

I ignore him and Chelsea, looking down at my watch.

Hayden is late.

“Where’s your brother?” I ask Xander.

He shrugs as the guy with him pulls his face into a deep kiss that is obnoxiously loud and sloppy. I openly roll my eyes and for a second, I consider getting out of here and heading to the townhouse to acquaint myself with another bottle of overpriced whisky.

But before I can extricate myself from Chelsea’s hold, Hayden appears. “Sorry,” he says, “Got held up.”

Xander frowns, pulling away from his friend. “With what?”

Hayden shrugs. “Nothing important,” he says, then looks at me. “You said you wanted to talk?”

“Excuse us a second?” I ask Chelsea.

She nods, slipping away without any question and going over to a group of girls I suppose are her friends. Xander glances at the two people touching him all over, and they get the message quickly enough. They are probably used to wordless dismissals.

“So, what’s going on?” Hayden asks, taking a seat, looking around the expanse of Blue Lily with that signature look of disgust. “And why couldn’t we do it elsewhere?”

It’s a wonder he manages our clubs and casinos.

“Because whoever is behind Haze is in The Snake and that could be anyone. I don’t want them to suspect anything,” I say. “This is neutral enough territory, and it wouldn’t raise any alarms amongst the men if all three of us are seen here together.”

Hayden and Xander give each other a look, but they can’t argue against my logic. Both Alex and I agree that whoever is behind this could be anyone in The Snake, including the guards. The only people I can trust are my brothers and begrudgingly Alex, too.

“Okay,” Xander says slowly. “What are you thinking?”

“How is Key doing?” I ask.

He shrugs. “He’s alive.”

Hayden arches an eyebrow. “So, he’s barely breathing.”

“Always so dramatic, the two of you,” Xander laughs.

I let out a quiet sigh. It’s nothing I wasn’t expecting. I knew Xander wasn’t going to stop questioning him when I left, and his methods are extreme at best. Without medical attention, Key probably has a few days left it.

“Has he said anything else?” I ask.

Xander shakes his head. “Just that whoever is behind this will kill his family if he tells me the truth.”

“So, let’s pretend to be him,” I say. “He had a phone on him, right?”

“He did,” Xander says, “But there was nothing on it. I already checked.”

I shake my head. “No, whoever he’s speaking to would have given him a burner. No way they would reach out on a line anyone can tap or steal. We need to find the burner.”

“You want us to reach out to the seller?” Hayden asks.

I nod. “We ask his contact to meet.”

“Not to sound negative about your plan, but anyone would recognise us, especially if it’s someone in The Snake,” Xander points out.

He’s right, and I did think of that. “ We aren’t meeting them. We ask someone else to do it. Someone who isn’t in The Snake or a known associate.”

Xander lifts an eyebrow, but I can tell he already knows where I’m going with this because he can read me like a book, and I have a feeling he’s known all along what I’ve been up to and with who.

“And who might that be, pray tell?” he asks.

I don’t let the menacing look in his eyes deter me; I haven’t shared my plan with Alex yet. A part of me keeps telling me it’s a bad idea, but at least now I know he’s not playing me. Alex is just as desperate as I am.

“Out of curiosity, would this mystery person happen to be Alexander Kimura of Senna’s Organised Crime Unit?” Xander continues.

Hayden’s mouth falls open. “What the hell is he talking about?”

“Oh, our baby brother hasn’t shared the news with you either?” Xander asks. “He’s fucking the cop again.”

“Whoa, wait, is that true?” Hayden asks before I can respond. “What the fuck, Rowan? Do I need to remind you that a girl died in Summit, and the police are currently sifting through all our books hoping to pin this on us? I saw him that night.”

“He wasn’t there because of us,” I say patiently.

Hayden is shaking his head before I can finish. “And you believe him? The guy who almost ruined your life?”

“I’d say he was pretty successful in that department,” Xander chimes.

“It’s complicated,” I say.

“Yeah fucking a cop is complicated all right,” Xander says.

I close my eyes, the urge to strangle him stronger than ever. I’d rather not know how he knows I’ve been seeing Alex, but all I can manage is, “I’m not sleeping with him.”

Hayden raises his eyebrows. “Even if you aren’t,” he says. “Isn’t it a weird coincidence that shit has started going south now that he’s popped back up?”

“I’m not saying we should trust him, but he’s got a reason to find out who is behind this, too.”

Xander chuckles. “Damn, forbidden love sure is sweet, huh? Makes you pretty fucking dumb. How do you think Chelsea will feel? Or Mum?”

“Xander,” Hayden and I say at the same time.

He lifts his hands in surrender and whilst I know he’s only watching my back; a rush of anger still shoots through me. I bite it down, focusing back on the plan. “Alex isn’t after us,” I tell them. “And like I said, he has a reason to help.”

“Are you going to share that reason?” Hayden asks.

“No,” I say honestly.

I don’t think he would appreciate me telling them about Halle, but it leaves me doubly curious as to who is threatening him with those emails.

Is it another player? Moreau? Someone in the police force?

We’re missing something and I know I have to talk to him without us descending into some sort of argument to figure it out.

“You know I hate to agree with Xander, but he’s right,” Hayden says. “You can’t trust him. I don’t trust him.”

Hayden looks at me squarely and I know he won’t budge.

They aren’t being unreasonable. They have no reason to trust Alex, and right now, there isn’t much I can do to convince them.

For a second, I wish I held some sort of power over them, a way to convince them that this is the only way, but I don’t, and I wouldn’t want to, anyway.

They are my brothers, not some lowly associates to be ordered around.

“Fine,” I say. “Call me when you come up with another way to do this. I’ll continue trying to get to the bottom of this.”

Xander regards me closely. “Is the baby throwing a tantrum?”

“Get fucked, Xan.”

I play right into his hand because he smirks. “Oh, I plan to.”

I let out a loud breath and stand. Frustration clawing at me. Our mother gave me one chance and I’m about to blow it.

“Make sure Key is somewhat alive tomorrow. I’ll need to speak with him.”

Hayden lifts his eyebrow. “And where are you going now?”

“Where do you think?” Xander snorts.

“Rowan don’t…” but I don’t hear the rest. My eyes search the lounge for Chelsea, who is in a corner booth, laughing with a guy I’m positive is a famous actor with a few awards to his name and a proclivity for young blonde women with big tits.

She meets my eyes and stands to walk towards me. “Everything okay?” she asks when she stops.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” I tell her.

She lifts her eyebrows but there is no hint of hurt in her eyes, only surprise at the abruptness. “Someone else?”

Begrudgingly, I nod. “Something like that.”