Page 12

OCTOBER

Two weeks before homecoming, Zack sat down next to her under the oak tree and said, “I just went to the office to decline the homecoming king nomination, if there’s a nomination.”

Jodi stopped chewing her peanut butter sandwich and swallowed drily. “What?”

“The juniors are nominating Emily for junior princess.” He ran a hand through his hair roughly. “At least twenty of them did, so she’ll be on the ballot for sure.”

Jodi breathed deep, staring out over the field.

New Helvetia had miniature ceremonies for each class, crowning princes and princesses, but guaranteeing that a senior would be crowned queen. As long as she’d known her, Paige had talked about senior year homecoming queen. Zack was just a given. Every year. Julian had a chance against him last year when he brought the water polo team to championships, but he hadn’t batted an eye when he lost to Zack.

Jodi had just filled out her ballot with Zack and Paige’s names on it last week.

“It’s not worth it,” Zack said. “My dad agreed. Big agreed. I just… I really think Paige needs to bow out, too.”

Jodi rubbed a hand over her brow, kneading away the tension. She knew that was right. If the school wanted to make this night about honoring Emily, Paige’s name on the ballot—or worse, winning the damn thing—would be horrendous.

“We can talk to her together,” Jodi said to Zack. “I think she needs to decline. It’s for the best.”

They found her after school, preparing for a Model UN meet. Jodi hated messing with her head before a competition, but Paige nodded and said she’d think about it.

As Jodi was falling asleep that night, their group chat got a text: i’m bowing out. please tell me we can ditch the dance or leave early. i can’t watch

None of them had dates. Lucy had forced them into going stag again at the beginning of the school year—“I refuse to have drama two dances in a row.” Later, she’d confided in Jodi that Zack had started flirting with a girl named Kiera in his chemistry class over the summer. She was afraid of getting any more accusations of Thrashing another girl while they were under a microscope. Jodi had been distracted all day about this Kiera girl—probably the reason why Zack had failed chemistry for the third time. But also… another girl, another competitor for Zack’s time and interest.

Jodi was only thinking about Kiera a little bit when she wrote back to Paige, suggesting that maybe they make an appearance and then exit quickly. She was shocked at Zack’s response:

Under the bleachers?

She smiled, thinking how nice it would be to just hang out instead of worry about how she looked while dancing, or if she’d have to pretend to be thirsty every time a slow song came on so she wouldn’t be just standing there alone.

Surprisingly, Julian was the first to text back: read my mind

Then Lucy: finally a good fucking idea from u

Jodi texted back her agreement, and then sent a message to Paige separately that it would be okay.

She sent back the dancing pink hearts she always used.

Emily Mills’s name was on the junior ballot on Monday morning, and not a single Thrasher was on the senior one. Oliver told her that he was shocked to see that, but Jodi could tell he was ready to update his followers, so she kept her response concise.

When Aunt Rosa offered to take her shopping for her homecoming dress, she didn’t refuse. She’d be wearing last year’s dress otherwise. She didn’t have any extra cash for a new one this year, as all of it was going straight to her legal fees. Jodi had sold her iPad—brand-new over Christmas last year—and found a place to sell her clothes online. She budgeted their shopping list carefully, but she couldn’t help but notice that her dad came home with six-packs of beer often.

Rosa had picked out a short, sleeveless burgundy dress with fluffy tulle at the hips that Jodi would never have tried on herself, but once Rosa saw it on her, that had been the end of it. Jodi couldn’t really argue with someone who was willing to drop two hundred dollars on a dress for her. Rosa had tried to steer her toward the shoes, but Jodi stopped her.

“We do Converse for homecoming, heels for prom. I can wear my black Converse.”

Rosa had then bought her a pair of those wedge-heeled Converse that only someone like Lucy could get away with. Jodi had mumbled a thank-you.

But now, standing in front of Paige’s bedroom mirror the day of homecoming, Jodi couldn’t believe how much the scar on her thigh stood out. How had she not seen it in the dressing room at the mall? Maybe it was the shoes? Lifting her butt higher? Didn’t heels do that?

She was half tempted to put back on the leggings she’d worn on the bus over.

“Babe, that’s beautiful !” Paige squealed. “And look at those shoes !”

Paige, herself, was in sequined pink Converse and a pink and white dress. With a mascara wand in one hand, Lucy stepped out of the bathroom to see Jodi’s dress, and Jodi’s jaw dropped.

Black leather Converse. Black dress with a corset on the ribcage, tucking in her tiny waist, and puffy tulle hips like Jodi’s.

“You look amazing, Jo.” Lucy beamed at her.

“Lucy, you look sinful.”

Lucy winked back at her, and Paige settled Jodi in a chair so she could start curling her hair. Aunt Rosa had bought her a clutch to go with, and Jodi had returned it the next day, using the money to buy the at-home hair dye she wanted.

Zack and Julian would pick them up at seven, and then they’d all squeeze into Zack’s car for the short ride over. They’d make one circle of the gym, just to be seen, and then separately head out to the bleachers for the rest of the night. Homecoming court winners were announced around nine, so they had plenty of time to miss it for Paige’s sake.

While they waited for the boys, the three of them took their annual pictures on Paige’s staircase. Every homecoming since freshman year, back when Jodi was still wondering why she’d agreed to “get ready” with Zack’s new hot friends, the three girls took the “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” pictures on the Montgomery staircase. Even when Paige was dating Charlie Shaw sophomore year, she had told him to stand aside so Jodi, Lucy, and she could take their picture. Jodi sat on the bottom stair with her hands over her mouth and her eyes popped wide, Paige behind her with her hands over her ears, and Lucy above them, peeking through her fingers over her eyes.

Cheryl Montgomery rounded them up at 6:45 and set them up. She snapped a few other poses, asking Paige to “please smile with your teeth, honey.”

Paige grabbed her phone back from her mom to check the pictures, and Jodi saw her face fall.

“What’s wrong?” Cheryl said. “Did I have my thumb over the flash again?”

Paige was pale beneath her contouring when she said, “No, it’s perfect.” She smiled at her mom and turned to show Jodi, smile gone.

There, just above Lucy’s head on the stairs, a white flare. Like a splotch, or a reflection. Like a fourth person on the totem pole.

Jodi snapped her eyes up to Paige. “It’s fine. It’s—it’s just your phone. I’ll edit it out. Send it to me.”

Cheryl announced that Zack had pulled up as Lucy grabbed Paige’s phone and looked.

“Paige, you gotta stop it with this,” she whispered firmly.

Nodding, Paige brushed her lashes and fanned her face, taking a deep breath to bury it. “It just really freaks me out.”

“It’s just your phone—”

“It’s a new phone,” Paige hissed. “I took my phone back last week and traded it out.”

Lucy blinked at her, searching for words.

The front door opened. “Eyyyy, did someone order a homecoming date?” Zack danced inside, moving to Cheryl to hug her tightly.

Paige smiled a bit too brightly and seemed to push it all to the side. The five of them took pictures that would never see Instagram, accepted wine coolers from Paige’s mom (except Jodi and Zack, who had promised to drive), and agreed to call for a ride back if they needed it. Before they left the house, Zack stopped them all in the entryway. He jumped up on the bottom stair and cleared his throat theatrically.

“I know this homecoming is a little different from what we wanted. But I thought it would be nice to acknowledge the true queen of New Helvetia High.” He smirked and pointed at Paige. “Julian grabbed this yesterday and had the idea to do our own coronation.”

Zack reached into his blazer inside pocket and pulled out a Burger King crown that they give to kids. Paige snorted, cackling as she let Zack crown her. Cheryl took pictures like it was the real ceremony as Lucy and Jodi laughed.

Jodi looked over to Julian and saw him smiling at Paige in her stupid cardboard crown. He was in a blue button-down and charcoal slacks—no tie, no jacket. Only Julian Hollister could make dressed-down look dressed-up. The shirt was probably tailored for him, if the way it hugged his ribs and waist was any indication. Her gaze drifted back to his face just in time for him to glance her way. Jodi pulled her eyes away quickly.

They finally crammed into Zack’s Mustang at ten after seven and drove to the back entrance of the school parking lot. Jodi hovered at Paige’s elbow once in the gym, saying hi to the people who talked to Paige, but not really seeing any point in mingling with people she didn’t know. She saw Oliver, Nikita, and a few others dancing, flailing limbs and screaming lyrics. Oliver waved when he saw her, and Jodi felt her chest swell when she sent him a shy wave back.

Paige started dancing with some friends from cheer squad, and Jodi excused herself, despite Paige begging her to dance. Her Converse wedges were pinching her, though it was nice to be closer to Paige and Lucy’s height with the extra three inches. She slipped out the side door, winding quickly through the locker room, where she could hear people hooking up, and out the exterior door to the field.

No one was around, despite the security guards that usually patrolled. She made her way toward the bleachers, trekking through the crisscross beams until reaching their usual spot under the rows behind the accessible seating. She was the first one there, or so she thought.

“Did Spencer Gordon not ask you to dance this time?” a voice called from above.

She looked up through the bleachers and saw black Chucks sitting above her, the smell of pot curling through the air. Making her way out from under the rows, she entered the field and found Julian sitting on the fifth bench up, staring out at the field.

“Spencer Gordon? He hasn’t talked to me all semester.” Spencer had asked her to dance at prom last year. It was nice to not be alone during a slow song, but she couldn’t help but be suspicious that Paige had set it up somehow. She didn’t think about it much after that, because it had been the night Emily died.

Jodi climbed up and sat on the fourth row, straddling the bench in a way that would make Aunt Rosa cluck her tongue.

“That’s because you hide at lunch.” He took a drag and puffed it out. She rolled her eyes and stared out at the parking lot. “He talks about you. It’s annoying.”

Snapping her eyes up to him, Jodi stared. “He talks about me? What does that mean?”

He sucked in a breath of clean air and said in a dull, mocking voice, “‘I guess Jodi didn’t take calculus this year, huh?’ ‘Was Jodi hurt at the drive-in?’ ‘So, you guys all going stag to homecoming? Is Jodi going stag?’”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re exaggerating. Spencer hasn’t talked to me since prom.” Waving away his smoky exhale, she bit her lip. Spencer was really cute, and they had a lot of the same favorite TV shows. She shook her head clear and said, “He has my number. If he liked me, he could have texted or something.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t work that way.” Julian stretched out his chest, pulling his arms back with a pop. “Look at you. You’ve had Zack’s number for ten years.”

Her gaze left the buttons pulling tight across his sternum. She felt the air drift from her lungs and the blood drain from her face.

His lips broke into a smile at her expression. Conniving. His tongue dragged along his teeth, and she looked back to the parking lot, watching headlights illuminate a row of cars.

“Tell the truth, Dillon. Do you think Zack’s going to just wake up one morning and realize he loves you back, or—”

“Shut up.” Her face was hot, and she felt embarrassed tears spring into her eyes. “Just—God—”

“Because you better move quick. He’s been looking forward to dancing with this Kiera girl all week.”

She stood up, needing space. She walked down the bleacher row to the end of it.

“I’m just saying,” he called after her, “don’t be sleeping on Spencer.”

She ignored him. He’d made comments before. She knew she wasn’t subtle, but she wasn’t exactly broadcasting her dream journal or anything obvious like that. But if he was going to tell Zack she had feelings for him, he’d be ruining a good thing.

She felt the bleachers creak, the clomp of shoes on the slats. A body slumped down next to her. She crossed her arms over her chest, wishing she had a sweater—feeling too vulnerable with her shoulders bared.

“I think you’ll tell him before graduation,” he said, puffing out smoke. She waved her hand through it. “I think you’ll be standing in your cap and gown, waiting to cross the stage, and you’ll grab his arm and say ‘Zack. I have feelings for you. I’m sorry I never told you. I was a coward.’” His voice was melodramatic and pitched just right to imitate her.

“Why would I tell him?” she snapped. “Why would I risk changing everything when it wouldn’t make a difference?”

“No difference? You don’t have hope in your heart—?”

“I know he doesn’t feel the same way, okay? I don’t know what you’re trying to do here—maybe get me to make an ass of myself, or make Zack so uncomfortable that he doesn’t want to be around me—but if you want to humiliate me, you’ll have to do it yourself.”

She stared across the field, eyes focused on the opposite bleachers like there was something interesting to see there. She could feel him watching her. As he brought the burnt-down joint to his mouth again, she snapped her hand out and grabbed it, putting it between her lips and taking a small puff. Maybe it was peer pressure. Maybe it was another night of her friends getting high and drunk and her just watching. She’d smoked before. She didn’t really like it, but some times it was nice to not look like the prude by just barely inhaling and smiling more over the next few hours.

She handed it back to him, and when he didn’t take it, she met his eyes. He was smirking at her. Finally he took it and stubbed it out. As he leaned, she watched his eyes catch on her thigh, where the scar from the drive-in was on full display. She wanted to tug the skirt down, but she refrained. His fingers twitched, like he was going to run his fingertips across it, but that wasn’t like him.

His eyes glided up from the scar, casting over the tulle and the bodice.

“It’s a nice dress,” he said, and she searched for that mocking tone again, about to tell her that Zack would like it or some other taunt.

“Shut the fuck up.” She stood, anxious for more space from him, and didn’t analyze why her hand immediately went to smooth down the dress, making sure it still looked “nice” as she walked away, down the bleachers in her too-tall wedges to sit two rows below him.

“Hey!” Paige was jogging out from their usual spot. “We the only ones ditching tonight?”

“Looks like.” Julian slipped a bottle of vodka from the benches. He must have come straight here from the car, not even stopping to socialize at the dance. “Raspberry for the homecoming queen,” he said, passing the bottle down to Paige.

Paige took a healthy sip of the flavored vodka just as Zack and Lucy joined. Julian lit another joint, puffed once, and stretched forward to hand it to Jodi. When she took it, Lucy raised a brow.

“Oo-hoo-hoo. We’re gonna party tonight.” She danced up the bleacher steps to join Jodi in the third row, pressing her lips forward until Jodi got the message. She inhaled—more than she wanted to—and passed her exhale into Lucy’s open mouth. She sucked it in, and exhaled out, “Thatta girl.”

Jodi laughed. Zack and Paige were passing the vodka back and forth, talking quietly. It made Jodi’s chest tight to see them whispering, but her conversation with Julian was fresh in her mind, so she looked away. Lucy set her clutch down on the bench beside her and spun to Julian.

“When are you back in the water?” She took the joint from Jodi, puffed, and passed it back up to Julian.

“I’m already swimming at home.”

Jodi looked over her shoulder. “Wasn’t your recovery six to ten weeks?”

He lifted a brow and shrugged. “Yeah. So what?”

Jodi rolled her eyes and turned back around as Zack climbed up the bleachers toward them. Paige was scrolling her phone for a playlist.

Zack plopped next to her and fluffed up her skirt. “This is a nice dress. You look great.”

She beamed at him, feeling her cheeks flush. “Thanks. Rosa picked it out.”

Suddenly, Julian jumped up, jarring her. “I bet I could still beat Lucy around the field.”

Snorting, Paige said, “Yeah, what’s a few broken ribs?”

“I’m serious.” He ran down the bleachers to the grass. “You down?”

Lucy smiled at him, slow and mischievous. “You’re setting yourself up for pain and humiliation.”

“This may be your only chance to beat me,” Julian heckled, stretching his quads.

Lucy was up off the bleachers and jogging down to the grass in a heartbeat. “Jo, check to see if I have my inhaler,” she called up to her.

Shaking her head at their dumb theatrics, Jodi unzipped Lucy’s clutch and confirmed that her inhaler was there. Paige agreed to time them, and Lucy and Julian set off, both sets of Converse keeping a steady pace before they started to break.

“Who’re the likely homecoming winners?” Jodi asked, as Paige sat on the bench in front of her and Zack. “Or would you rather not talk about it?”

“No,” Paige said, waving her hand. “It’s fine. Reagan is campaign ing hard. She’s probably very excited to take as much away from us as she can. And Jake Flynn is tied with Hugo Vargas, that kid who filmed a movie this summer.”

“Oh, him. Mrs. Calloway talks about him all the time. She locked herself in her office when she found out he wasn’t going to audition.”

“What’s the play this year?” Zack picked up the forgotten joint and opened Lucy’s purse for her lighter.

“ Our Town .”

“Hm. Is it good?”

“I dunno. I’m currently painting ‘a town’ on the backdrop with Oliver Burns.”

The pot made her head feel light, like there was too much air being pumped in.

Lucy and Julian were halfway around, neck and neck, but she was sure Lucy was saving her energy for the final turn.

“That’s so weird that he’s talking to you again,” Paige said. “Is he the same as he was in middle school? Just like, on drugs?” She laughed.

Jodi forced herself to do the same, even though she wasn’t sure it was that funny, seeing as Zack was currently inhaling a used joint and Paige was nursing the vodka like a newborn.

“He’s still funny. We don’t have too much in common except art now, but he’s in two of my classes. It’s nice to have someone I know seeing as we don’t do a lot of stuff together anymore.”

“We do stuff. We’re doing this.” Paige looked up at her with puppy dog eyes, and Jodi just smiled back. No point in reminding her that they hadn’t been together since the drive-in. That their group chat only popped off when Jodi instigated. That outside of English, she didn’t see Paige at all.

Julian and Lucy rounded the final turn. Paige jumped down to cheer on Lucy, who was breaking ahead. It was hard to tell from this distance, but Jodi thought she could see Julian grimacing.

Lucy slapped Paige’s hand first, barely five feet ahead of Julian. They panted on their way back to the bleachers, Julian challenging her to a rematch in two weeks, with proper footwear.

Jodi’s mouth was open to tease him about blaming his shoes, but there was a flicker on her shoulder. She turned around. No one was there.

But up above them, the safety light that stayed on day and night fluttered. And went out.

Jodi stared at the bulb, waiting for it to flicker on again. A wheezing drew her focus back.

Lucy was coughing, still trying to catch her breath. “Jo. My purse,” she breathed.

Jodi grabbed the clutch that held her inhaler and walked it down the steps. When she got to the bottom, she found Paige staring up at the dark lamp, looking pale in the moonlight.

Paige’s focus snapped back, and she took the purse from Jodi with a smile, opening it and riffling through for Lucy.

Julian was lying down in the grass on his back, catching his breath. She watched his ribs move quickly. Shallowly. Fucking idiot.

“Where…”

Jodi turned back to Paige. Lucy was sitting on the front bench, wheezing. Paige was digging in the tiny bag. “You said it was in here?” she said to Jodi, eyes wide.

“Yeah.” Jodi moved closer. “It was right on top.”

Lucy coughed, hacking and hollow.

“Zack!” Jodi looked up to the fifth row of seats where he was stretched out, looking at the stars. “Did you grab her inhaler when you went for the lighter?”

He sat up. “No. It was in there on top.”

“Are you sure?” Paige’s voice was shrill. She dropped to the grass, turning out Lucy’s bag. Out fell her Juul, ID, ChapStick, two twenties. Nothing.

Lucy put her hands on her knees, bracing herself and lowering her head. Her throat sounded like there were rocks grating together inside it.

The bleachers rocked as Zack ran down. “It was right there. I saw it. I promise I saw it.”

Paige and Jodi looked up at him from the ground, and behind his head, the emergency light blinked on. Then off again.

Paige got to her feet, like she’d seen a ghost. “Emily…”

“What?”

“It’s…” Jodi braced a hand on Lucy’s shoulder. “We just need to find it. Paige, stay with her.”

Jodi darted underneath the bleachers as Julian finally came over to figure out what was going on. Maybe it fell between the slats. She climbed between the bars, weaving through their favorite spot, and looked up. Zack joined her.

“Could someone have taken it?” he whispered.

“No, look.” She pointed to the fifth row of benches where the purse had been. “It’s too high to climb this way.

Lucy’s hacking was getting worse. Zack ran back around, joining Julian on the benches, searching for the inhaler that Jodi knew in a dark part of herself wasn’t there. She used her phone’s flashlight to search the dirt under her feet and found nothing.

She ran back around the bleachers. Paige was sitting on the first bench next to Lucy, her wheezing thin and labored against the corset of her dress.

“What do we do?” Paige’s voice was pitched high.

Jodi reached down and started untying the laces at the front of her dress. “It’s okay, Lucy. It’s okay.” They were knotted too tight. “Julian!” Jodi called. “Pocketknife?”

He reached for it and tossed it down to her. Jodi fumbled with it and ripped through the satin laces.

“It’s okay, Lucy,” she repeated. “Just breathe.”

“We—we need to call an ambulance, right? EMTs?” Paige started packing Lucy’s purse back together.

“Lucy.” Jodi started ripping open her dress, loosening the corset until Lucy’s sticky bra cups were the only thing covering her. She placed a hand on her stomach and told her to breathe into it. “Lucy, what do we do?” she said calmly. “Do you have one in your locker?”

She shook her head, her breath coming like reeds sliding against each other.

“Ambulance? We call 911 for asthma and they’ll bring an inhaler?”

Julian jumped down. “We’ll have to ditch the bottles and the pot—”

“That doesn’t fucking matter!” Jodi snapped.

“We can’t be in the news again, Jo,” Zack said softly, his voice almost begging.

“She can’t breathe!” Paige screamed at him.

Lucy grabbed Jodi’s wrist and tried to talk. Her dark lips looked bluish.

“Paramedics will take time,” Zack said. “Is there someone in the gym—”

“I’ll run back,” Julian said. “I’ll get a teacher and tell them all the shit was mine.”

Jodi sat up, an idea sparking. “Zack, sit with her. Keep her calm.” She scrolled through her phone to the number she’d used more often in the past two months than all of high school combined.

He answered, and the sounds of the dance were still in the background.

“’Lo?”

“Oliver? Do you have your inhaler on you? Your—your Albuterol? Do you still take it?”

“What?”

She walked away from the rest of them, under the bleachers. “I need an inhaler on the football field.”

There was a pause, and then the background noise disappeared like he’d slipped into a hall. “Yeah, I have it.”

“Can you bring it to me? The far side, close to the concession stand they don’t use anymore? The accessible seats—”

“I know where you guys hang out.”

“Can you—can you run?”

Tears were falling down her face. Lucy wasn’t coughing anymore, and she didn’t know what that meant.

She heard shoes slapping against linoleum through the phone. After a handful of heartbeats, the footfalls were coming from her left. Jodi flashed her phone screen at him to signal their location.

He was running—that same gait that got him teased in seventh grade. The inhaler was in his hand, and he was shaking it up as he reached her. She jogged with him through the bars and to the field. Oliver didn’t ask a single question; he went straight to Lucy and helped her sit up straight, helped her grip the inhaler.

The hiss of the Albuterol was like music to her ears. Lucy held her breath, her cheeks blowing out. She exhaled that rickety sound and puffed again, holding it longer this time.

Jodi felt her body start to relax. She felt like she had been the one to run the football field, ready to collapse.

It was silent as Lucy held her breath. It wasn’t until she reached up and started tugging the front of her dress back together that Jodi felt things were going to be okay. She was still wheezing, but the inhaler would work.

Lucy turned to Oliver with wet eyes and mouthed, thank you .

“Thank you, Oliver,” Jodi echoed. “We didn’t know what to do for her. Her inhaler was here a second ago…” She trailed off as she caught Paige’s expression.

Her blue eyes were glued to the lamppost that had flickered out, her skin pulled tight around her mouth. Jodi looked up. The emergency light flickered once and then stayed on.

Paige moved next to her, reaching for Lucy’s clutch. She opened it with shaking fingers and looked inside. A laugh burst from her lips, and she dropped the purse.

They all watched as Paige’s cackling slowly melted into tears. She turned, walked five steps, and vomited raspberry vodka onto the grass.

Jodi picked up the clutch and looked inside. Lucy’s inhaler was there on top.