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JULY

If it were up to Jodi, she’d be in bed at eleven on a Friday night, watching Netflix and pretending the Ben & Jerry’s carton was a single serving, but that was rarely how she got to spend her weekends. Caroline Vallow was having a party. Jodi didn’t even know Caroline Vallow, but if she missed tonight, she’d spend the next six months hearing stories from this party—like how Paige had made out with a foreign exchange student, or how Lucy and Julian had won beer pong with a behind-the-back shot, or how Zack had met his new summer fling.

So, she’d slithered into her tightest jeans, tucked her house key into her bra, and after ten unsuccessful tries calling Zack for a ride, she hopped the bus to this St. Joseph’s High party.

Because if she wasn’t there, she wouldn’t exist.

The bus rattled to a stop, and Jodi jumped out, following the bass beat of bad music to a cul-de-sac of cookie-cutter two-story houses with tidy yards and a Mercedes in each driveway. Jodi had lived on a cul-de-sac when she was a baby, but only knew it from pictures her dad would show her of her mom.

Double-parked cars overflowed from the sidewalks, and boys set off Fourth of July firecrackers while girls watched from lawn chairs, even though July was almost over. Jodi smoothed down her shirt and leaned into the side-view mirror of a parked car to check her reflection. She tucked an auburn curl behind her ear before realizing the car was swaying , the windows fogged with the activity of whatever was going on inside. She jumped back, apologized to no one, and scurried away.

Jodi squeezed into the house, and dozens of eyes turned to the door, expecting to see someone they knew. She tried to smile as they inspected her, knowing this was the price to pay for crashing another high school’s party. But then again, it was highly possible this would be the reaction at her own high school as well.

It wasn’t that she didn’t have any friends. It was that she was sometimes invisible next to them. Jodi’s friends were never overlooked in a room.

“Jodi Dillon! Get over here!” said a bubbly voice. A girl with expertly styled honey-blond hair, Crest-white teeth, and long legs disappearing under a short dress stood in the middle of the living room, surrounded by people dancing to the music.

Paige Montgomery, for instance, was someone who turned heads wherever she went, eyes glued to her until she had fully left a room.

Jodi waved at her a bit sheepishly and pointed toward the kitchen, miming that she was going to find water.

Paige opened her mouth to yell something back at her, but then the music changed and Paige screamed, throwing her hands up in the air.

Laughing, Jodi set off through a sea of red cups. There was karaoke happening in the back of the house— bad karaoke. When the kitchen materialized, she headed straight for a metal tub on the kitchen island in search of water bottles, but a tall dude cut in front of her just as Jodi reached out.

“Sorry,” he said with a grin. “Beer?”

“No, I don’t drink, actually—”

“Were you in Freeman’s algebra with me this year?” He grabbed a Bud Light, knocked the cap off against the granite countertop, and pushed it into her hand. “I’m Matt.”

Her fingers curled around the cold bottle. She opened her mouth to tell him she didn’t even go to his school, but Matt kept talking.

“What colleges are you looking at?” Then, without pausing for a response—“I’m applying to Santa Barbara and San Diego. Love that beach life, am I right?”

“Totally.” Her vowels dripped.

“Matt, get me the Brita,” said a girl appearing behind Jodi. She had on a bikini and nothing else. Her eyes scanned Jodi up and down, and her lips curved downward.

“Sure thing.” Matt jumped to it, taking the pitcher from the fridge and filling a red cup for the girl. “Hey, did you hear Zack Thrasher’s here?” Matt said to them both.

The girl’s eyes snapped to Matt and grew wide. “Really? When I’m breaking out?” She dipped her head to stare at her pores in the toaster’s reflection.

Jodi bit back a grin as she grabbed a red cup and took the Brita from Matt. “Who’s Zack Thrasher?” she asked, feigning curiosity.

The girl gaped at her. “You’re joking, right?”

Jodi turned innocent eyes on her and shook her head. This ought to be good.

“He’s New Helvetia’s point guard,” Matt said excitedly. “I heard he got the hat at Taylor Swift’s Santa Clara concert. He was in VIP with Gigi Hadid.”

“Did you hear that he discovered some old band named KISS and the whole school showed up to spring fling with their faces painted?” the girl asked.

Jodi snorted. She had “discovered” KISS and shared them with Zack, but yes, the face paint thing was real.

She was just about to head off in search of the boy in question when she heard something terrible happening in the next room.

The karaoke speakers blared a familiar voice. “Wanna dedicate this song to Jodi Dillon. ‘Hey Ya!’ is her favorite song of all time.”

She peered around the kitchen corner and glared at the handsome boy with the microphone, grinning at her.

“For you, Jodi,” Zack Thrasher said. And then she had to sit through her best friend drunk-singing her most hated song.

He danced his way to her, drawing a crowd, and at least she got the pleasure of watching the bikini girl’s eyes nearly pop out of her head as Zack Thrasher’s attention rested solely on Jodi.

If she had to guess, he was at least four beers in. Zack was a playful and unpredictable drunk, jumping off roofs into pools, firing up a stranger’s barbeque for a girl who wanted a cheeseburger, or even just spending hours dancing to the worst music in the world.

At the bridge to “Hey Ya!,” Matt was the loudest person to yell “ice cold!” and when Zack asked for the “ladies,” he shoved the mic into Jodi’s face. She responded drily, “Yeah?”

Zack buckled over laughing and passed the microphone off to someone else. He swept Jodi into a hug that pulled her off her feet.

“Where’ve you been?” Zack put her down, pushing his sandy brown hair out of his eyes and smiling down at her with his perfectly straight teeth in that way that made her stomach flutter. “I thought you weren’t gonna make it.”

“I was texting you about a ride,” she said.

“Shit! My phone’s dead already.” Then he suddenly said, “Text Julian!” As if she still needed a ride.

Jodi pressed her lips together in a tight smile. “I did. No response.” Her gaze slid pointedly to the tall, dark-haired print ad model who had joined Zack in the kitchen.

Julian Hollister sipped from his red cup with a calculated gaze. “Hm. Bad reception, I guess.”

Jodi narrowed her eyes at him, but before she could respond, Matt was stumbling forward. “You’re Zack, right?”

“Yeah! Good to meet you.” Zack stuck his hand out. He was one of the only people she knew who shook hands—something his dad had instilled in him.

“I’m Monica,” bikini girl said with a flirtatious smile. She leaned down on the kitchen island, pressing her boobs together, and just like that—Zack and Julian’s attention was firmly away from Jodi. “What brings you to a St. Joseph’s party?” Monica asked.

Jodi rolled her eyes and turned to the sink, deciding to fill the Brita before putting it back. She’d just placed the jug in the fridge when a shadow fell over her shoulder. Without looking up, she knew Julian was gearing up to ruin her night.

“Too good for tap water, Dillon?”

She glowered up all six-foot-two of him. “Like you’ve ever had tap water in your life.”

Julian Hollister was the bane of her existence, to put it politely. Jodi had been friends with Zack Thrasher since second grade—best friends, she even dared to say. But when Zack started focusing on basketball in middle school, he’d met Julian, and they’d been inseparable ever since—no matter how hard Jodi tried to wedge them apart.

Julian’s family had money, like Zack’s. They played the same sports, took the same classes, liked the same kind of humor. But Julian was rough around the edges. He cheated on tests, he cheated on girls, and he didn’t apologize for anything. He was disgustingly attractive, Jodi knew, and aside from his dark hair and water-polo shoulders, he and Zack were evenly matched on looks. She was just happy that his sketchy choices and complete disregard for other people’s comfort hadn’t rubbed off on Zack.

“It’s warm in here.” Zack hooked his thumb toward the sliding glass door. “Should we head outside?”

Matt and Monica were only too happy to go. Jodi shut the fridge door and followed them out.

Unlike Julian, Zack was inclusive, charming, and emotionally attuned. If Jodi was trying to get out of Friday-night plans—like tonight—he’d be the first person to text her outside of the group chat and ask what’s up. When Paige’s junior-year boyfriend was caught cheating, Zack punched him in the middle of the quad, and then went straight to Paige’s house with a vat of rocky road. Zack was… pretty great. Jodi had known him for ten years and been in love with him for a little less than that. But everyone was in love with Zack Thrasher.

The only thing she wished Zack was better at? Not splitting his time and attention in thousands of different directions.

“Is that a Bentley?” His eyes popped out of his head, and he darted to the garage where a couple of guys were smoking pot next to a shiny silver car. Monica eagerly followed, leaving Jodi, Julian, and Matt behind.

Maybe it was selfish of her to want him all to herself, but even times when it was just the two of them at Lucy’s volleyball game, he’d find a way to invite three people to sit with them, making new friends wherever he went. Zack was Jodi’s best friend. But she was only one of Zack’s many best friends.

As Julian bummed a smoke off a guy with long hair on a beach chair, Matt turned to Jodi, staring at her with new eyes.

“So how do you know Zack Thrasher?” Matt asked. Jodi got the impression he still didn’t know she didn’t go to school with him, but Matt plowed on without an answer. “He’s like Sacramento royalty or something. I dunno.”

“Royalty,” Julian hummed. “I like the sound of that.”

“He said Zack, not you.” Jodi sipped her water.

“Hm. Lucy is queen, Paige is a princess…” He tilted his head down at her. “What are you, cupcake?” Jodi swallowed, knowing how this was going to end. “Maybe you’re the court jester. You entertain the king, you’re fun at dinners, but you don’t really belong.”

She clenched her jaw, ignoring Matt as he watched the two of them like a tennis match. Turning her eyes to Julian, she took in his cool hazel gaze over the rim of his red cup.

“You can insult me, ignore my texts, conveniently ‘forget me’ after pep rallies”—she hadn’t forgotten about that one—“but I’m not going anywhere.” She pressed her lips together and hissed, “Let’s just get through senior year. When you’re at your Ivy, you’ll never have to see me again.”

Julian’s eyes flickered in amusement. His lips parted—

“Jodi!” A familiar squeal pierced her ears, and she turned to see Paige running to her—shoeless. “There you are, babe.”

She was abruptly engulfed in Fantasy perfume and luscious blond waves. Jodi shook off the irritation that only Julian Hollister could cause her and hugged Paige tightly.

“Hey!” Jodi said. “Where’s Lucy?”

But her question was answered a moment later. Over Paige’s shoulder, she saw Lucy walking down the steps to the backyard in what Jodi liked to call “Lucy-Slow-Motion.”

Lucy Reed was ridiculously hot—tall, with dark brown skin and thick black hair that always looked like it had been professionally mussed. She wasn’t only stunning, she was lethal. Lucy Reed wasn’t to be crossed. She took longer to warm up to than Paige, but once you were in with Lucy, you were friends for life.

As Lucy-Slow-Motion finally arrived at their side, Paige pulled back from her bone-crushing hug and played with Jodi’s hair. “This looks perfect, babe! You did the curls like I taught you!”

“It looks really good,” Lucy agreed.

Jodi’s chest swelled with the praise, glad she’d done something with her hair that was remotely close to Paige’s.

Paige was the antithesis to Lucy, but they complemented each other like oil and vinegar. Paige was a cheerleader, student council VP, and—hilariously—a mathlete. She was soft and bubbly where Lucy was hard and uncompromising. More often than not, the two of them went off and did their own thing, leaving Jodi to fend for herself against Julian. It was common knowledge that both Lucy and Paige were also in love with Zack.

It was weird from the outside, but there was no strain—as long as Zack didn’t officially “choose” one of them.

“Oh, shit.” Matt ran a hand through his hair, his eyes flickering over the four of them. He took a deep breath, staring as if he’d seen a ghost. “You’re the Thrashers.”

Jodi sighed and Julian rolled his eyes. The group name was stupid. They never called themselves that.

Lucy lifted a perfectly waxed brow. “And you are?”

All the bravado he’d had with Jodi melted away, and with an odd little nod, he said, “M-Matt.”

Lucy stepped forward, and Matt audibly gulped. “My name’s Lucy Reed. Not ‘Thrasher #4’ or whatever.”

“Right. Sorry. Can I get you a drink?”

She reached forward and grabbed Matt’s beer out of his hand. “I already have one.”

Lucy always seemed pretty badass when she had a few drinks in her, but Jodi knew that the real reason she stole guys’ drinks was because she knew they wouldn’t be drugged. She’d told Jodi that she had to learn that trick the hard way freshman year.

“Are you having fun, Matt?” Paige asked, sizing him up with a gleam in her eye.

“One hundo,” Matt said, and Julian snorted into his drink. “How do you guys know Caroline?”

“We don’t.” Julian smiled. “We’re just not allowed to party with our own kind.”

The dig flew over Matt’s head as his eyes widened and he lowered his voice. “That’s right. New Helvetia High, right? Didn’t a girl just die? Did you know her?”

Like the music cutting out before the beat dropped—Caroline Vallow’s party was no longer an easy distraction.

Jodi froze, like she did any time Emily’s name was mentioned on TV, or in the hallways before final exams, or behind cupped palms as she passed. Paige took a sharp breath next to her, something she’d started doing a month ago, complaining that sometimes she couldn’t breathe. Julian went very still, staring down into his cup. With her eyes intent on Matt, Lucy smiled, low and catlike, as if he’d said something amusing.

“Not really,” Lucy answered finally. But the damage was done. Matt returned her gaze with a wary expression. “I think I had two classes with her.”

Paige took another deep breath, the rattle in her ribs echoing in Jodi’s ears.

“Did she really OD on prom night?”

Jodi’s feet were moving, her body following like a marionette led by its strings. Someone called after her, but she pushed aside the sliding glass door and disappeared inside. The cool blast of AC on a muggy July evening pushed air into her lungs as she steered herself toward the downstairs bathroom. She threw herself inside and locked it before she took her next breath.

Jodi leaned on the sink. In the mirror, she saw a short girl with a plain face. Someone people would describe her as “curvy” to be polite. She pressed her eyes closed, and concentrated on her breath.

Pale blue eyes rose up from the depths of her mind where she had buried them. A smattering of freckles on a thin nose, and teeth too wide for a small mouth.

Jodi turned on the taps. Her own eyes stared back at her from the mirror, brown and dark-lined. Hand soap was the only thing on the counter, so she pumped some Crabtree & Evelyn into her palm and counted to thirty as that voice slithered against her ears, dreamy and haunting.

“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be you.”

Jodi looked up from her biology book. “Me?”

Emily nodded, her thin blond hair shimmering around her cheekbones. “A Thrasher.”

The ding of a new text jolted her out of her thoughts. It was an unknown number with a Sacramento area code. All the message said was— are you having a nice summer?

She stared down at the screen, trying to place the number, waiting for it to make sense.

A knuckle rapped against the bathroom door, and Zack’s voice sounded through the wood—“Jo?”

She quickly dried her hands and twisted the doorknob. Zack leaned against the frame, his eyes cautious and his shoulders blocking out the rest of the party.

“Can I come in?”

She stepped aside for him. He locked the door and sat on the closed toilet seat. “What’s going on? Paige said you freaked out.”

Rolling her eyes, she leaned back on the sink. “I didn’t ‘freak out,’ okay? Just… somebody asked about Emily.” Jodi pushed her thumb into her opposite palm, rubbing the pressure point. “The last two weeks of school were bad enough. I didn’t know it was going to continue into summer.”

“That’s why I wanted to come to a St. Joseph’s party. I thought no one would mention it.” He ran a hand through his hair and glanced up at her. “You don’t have to feel… guilty or anything.”

She looked down to her shoes and muttered, “I don’t feel guilty .”

“You’re hiding in a bathroom.”

She leveled a glare at him. “I just… Don’t you think about her?”

“Yeah. A lot,” he said, voice rasping. His eyes seemed to glaze over as he thought. “She’s everywhere, you know? I think I dream about her sometimes. I can never remember it, but I get the feeling like I do.”

Jodi nodded. “I do, too.”

Just last night, she’d dreamt they were doing homework together like they used to. She’d woken up just when Emily asked, “What time is the limo picking me up?” Jodi had stared at the ceiling for the next hour until she heard her dad moving around.

Zack jumped up from the toilet and took her elbows. “Come on. Let’s go play beer pong or something.” He pinched her side, and she jerked away with a yelp. He smirked in that way that made her stomach tumble.

Three harsh pounds of a fist on the bathroom door. Before Jodi could yell for them to chill, a deep adult voice bellowed, “Come on out.”

Zack’s brows pulled together as he opened the door, coming face to face with a police officer with a thick blond mustache.

“Zackary Thrasher?”

Jodi blinked and registered the quiet coming from the dining room. The group of twenty had vanished. Someone’s joint was still curling smoke up to the chandelier.

“Yeah?”

“I need you to come with me, son.”

Zack glanced back at her. “Sure. Where we going?”

“We have a few questions for you down at the station.”

Jodi felt her pulse hammering in her veins. “This can’t wait till morning?” she asked, her voice cracking.

The blond cop’s eyes slid to her. “Jodi Dillon?” Her heart choked her as she nodded. “You, too.”

Zack stepped in front of her. “Officer, this isn’t necessary. If we call my dad, I’m sure—”

“What’s ‘not necessary’ is me Breathalyzing you and ordering a drug test when we get to the station. Would you like to make it necessary?” He lifted a brow, and his mustache twitched when Zack swallowed thickly. “Let’s go.”

Zack moved out of the bathroom and Jodi followed. The cop filed in behind them as Zack led them out the front door and across the lawn full of whispering teenagers trying to hide their red cups. Some of them had their phones raised high overhead to capture the moment.

The cop turned to the remaining party and yelled, “I’ll be back through in an hour! Clear out!”

There were two cop cars parked in the cul-de-sac, their red and blue lights off but their headlights bright on the front of the house. Another cop was assisting someone getting into the back seat of the first cruiser—Julian. Paige and Lucy were already inside, looking straight ahead with their lips shut tight as Julian slid in. The door closed with a thud.

The blond cop helped them into the second car as a crowd formed on the lawn. In the quiet as the cop came around to the driver’s seat, Zack whispered, “Don’t say anything.”

She jerked her head in a nod. Her mind flew through the possible reasons for this, dismissing each as more unlikely than the last, but circling around one explanation like suds in a drain.

And so softly—to himself almost—Zack breathed, “This is about Emily.”