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10:30 a.m.

Death-Cast can’t call me, but instead of a company that alerts people before they die, aren’t we better off having a service

that predicts how long our romantic relationships will last? Love-Cast, if you will. This will give everyone the necessary

foresight to prepare for their heartbreak. To get closure. To lean in for that last kiss, or even the first kiss before the

chance is lost forever. At the end of the day, I don’t need Love-Cast to know that my relationship with Paz was always doomed.

I just never envisioned my past with Rio being the downfall of a future that felt destined.

I’ve locked myself in my bedroom with only Bucky because I got overwhelmed with my parents watching the media coverage and

my father’s urging to press charges against Paz. What I’m doing instead is trying to better understand Paz’s eruption by watching

videos and reading articles on my laptop about how romantic relationships affect someone with borderline personality disorder.

For starters, someone with BPD might fall in love fast, recognizing their partner as the soulmate who will save them from their turmoil. There’s also a phenomenon known as splitting because while someone with BPD will fall in love fast, they will switch to hate just as quickly if they’ve been betrayed or rejected. I don’t know if Paz loved me, but I’m certain he hates me now.

You’re dead to me , Paz said. That’s been haunting many of my waking moments.

I’m dead to Paz because I failed at effective communication, which is a must in any relationship, especially if your partner

has BPD, since their depressive thought spirals will negatively fill in the blanks for anything unsaid. If only I could’ve

handed Paz an Rosa Encyclopedia so he could know everything about my story, even the pages I wish I could burn. Instead,

Paz had to find out about my past with Rio during a heated moment. Of course Paz will only see Rio as a threat.

How can you be so brilliant, , and so clueless? Paz said.

I was clueless because this is new territory for me. I’m moving on from unrequited love with Rio to mutual attraction with

Paz as well as being mindful of Paz’s borderline personality disorder along with protecting myself from a psychotic break.

It will take years of experience before I even hope to be brilliant at navigating relationships of that nature, but I care

enough to keep learning now.

My research has brought me to my biggest question: Can I repair this broken relationship? There are a lot of good answers

to further reflect on for both the person with BPD and the partner, but what immediately resonates most with me is making

sure I’m not put on a pedestal. Paz won’t treat me like a flawless soulmate once I come clean about my imperfections.

That’s assuming Paz gives me a second chance.

You know what hurts, ? Staying alive for you! Paz said.

My desperation to atone for past failures was a driving force behind getting Paz down from the Hollywood Sign safely and that

gun out of his possession so I wouldn’t have more blood on my hands, but there’s no denying the Begin Days were a genuine

effort to help Paz live for himself. I didn’t anticipate falling for Paz along the way or pushing him over the edge.

I don’t regret saving Paz.

I only regret making his life worse than when I found him.