Page 56

6:44 p.m.

I leave the house to find Alano leaning against his car. The fact that he’s here makes me catch my breath. I suck in the crisp

air, loving it more than I have in a good minute. It has everything to do with Alano, which I really gotta figure out because

he doesn’t live here and he’s gonna leave soon, and I don’t know what will be left of me, if anything, when he’s gone. But

for now I close the space between my house and his car, and he closes it even more by pulling me into a hug.

I hate when there’s space between us again.

“Happy Begin Day,” Alano says. “I almost wished you a Happy Begin Night, but it doesn’t look like night at all. Your sky might

be broken.”

The sky is still mostly blue, with the pinks and oranges of sunset creeping in. This is what summer in Los Angeles looks like.

But I’m more focused on what Alano looks like. He’s wearing a baggy black hoodie and even baggier sweatpants.

“Forget the sky, why are you dressed like that? Are we going somewhere cold?”

Alano looks down at his outfit like he’s forgotten what he’s wearing. “I opted for plain clothes. No vanitas that might trigger

you.”

I like how thoughtful he is. I really need someone like him in my life. And then I remember him taking off his shirt, and I think about how I really, really, really need someone like him in my life.

“I hope this is okay,” Alano says after I keep staring at his hoodie.

I hate that you’re wearing anything, especially baggy clothes that hide your body is what I wanna say. But I actually say, “It looks cozy.” I have to stop undressing him in my head. “So where are we going?”

“I’ve planned a surprise to help relaunch you back into your life,” Alano says before turning and waving at a black car parked

down the block. “First, you should meet Agent Dane.”

The car pulls up behind Alano’s and out walks his bodyguard. He’s wearing all black too, but he’s way more formal and fitting

in his suit. He’s younger than I expected, like right around our age.

“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. ,” Dane says. His words are nice, but his gaze is intense. “Mr. Alano has requested that I give

you both space, but if there’s any sign of trouble, be sure to alert me. Call or text or shout.” He reaches into his jacket

and pulls out his card, but I don’t take it because in the flash of his jacket opening I saw a holstered gun.

Less than an hour ago I was in my room missing my gun and seeing one so close to me reminds me why I missed mine in the first place. I wanted to die because I should’ve been dead already, but Alano convinced me to live, and now I am, but it’s not enough, it’s not gonna be enough, nothing will ever be enough. I’m not strong enough to fight Alano, let alone Dane, who is like three times more muscular, but maybe I could get lucky, snatch the gun, and shoot myself and bleed out on my front yard and die after midnight.

Alano squeezes my shoulder. “You okay?”

I snap out of it. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.”

I take Dane’s card, which has nothing but his phone number, not even his name.

Dane looks between us, lingering on me like I’m unstable. He’s got a great eye.

“We’ll take off in a minute. Thanks, Dane,” Alano says, dismissing him. Once Dane is back in his car, Alano asks me what’s

going on. “Don’t say you’re okay when you’re not.”

I won’t lie, especially when he knows I’m lying. “I saw his gun, and I spiraled over how I still wanna die.” There is no life

in my voice. “I suck at Begin Days.”

“You don’t suck at Begin Days. First of all, this is the first one. We’re figuring it out as we go.” Alano lifts his sleeve

and shows me his bandaged arm that we signed last night. “More importantly, our contract is for living our Begin Days, not acting as if they won’t be hard. You might not like what you’re feeling, but you should be proud of yourself

for opening up. I truly believe that honesty is how we keep you safe.”

Alano then grabs my gunless hand and squeezes away my will to die.

“Thanks for giving a shit about me. It makes me give a shit about me,” I say.

“As you should. I’ve known you for less than twenty-four hours, and you’re one of the strongest people I know.”

“Strong? You met me giving up on life.”

“You chose to survive. That took strength.” Alano rubs my arm, like he’s feeling for how strong I am, which if we’re judging

by my arms, I’m not, but his touch makes me feel powerful anyway. “Your borderline personality disorder is what’s tripping

you up the most right now, but you’ll get steady once you go through dialectical behavior therapy to target your traumas and

better regulate your emotions during times of distress, or schema-focused therapy to disrupt unhealthy behaviors that are

adding fuel to the fire.”

Alano reads the massive confusion on my face because last night he didn’t know anything about BPD and tonight he’s an expert?

I don’t even know what schema-focused therapy is, and this is my thing.

He sheepishly adds, “I’ve been researching borderline personality disorder.”

“What? When?”

“I listened to a podcast episode while driving home last night and read a few essays this afternoon before lunch. I ordered

some books too.”

Alano must be a liar because there’s no way any of this is true. “You’re joking.”

“Not one bit.”

“Why did you look that up? Are you trying to be some walking encyclopedia that knows everything?”

“Encyclopedias don’t know everything.” Alano smirks.

I roll my eyes. “Okay, but why?”

“Because I like getting to know you.”

“Even the stuff that makes me scary?”

“All of you,” Alano says, his gaze strong. “I don’t want to be one of those idiots who treats you like someone you’re not.

Like someone scary. I want to understand the real you. What makes you tick, what makes you laugh, what makes you sad, and

even what makes you climb up the Hollywood Sign with a gun so I can help make sure you never do it again. I want to be a walking

encyclopedia about Dario who reminds you of your potential so you can love yourself enough to live for yourself.”

When I received my diagnosis yesterday afternoon, I swore it was worth ending my life over. BPD is ups and downs, dizzying

turns, big highs and bigger drops, getting up to not only fall again but fall even harder than last time, no matter how careful

I am. I have to remember that falling all the time isn’t the point. It’s making sure I don’t stay down. And until I can learn

to pick myself up, Alano is my helping hand.

As I learn to love myself, I can’t help but freak out over if I’ll fall in love with him too, and whether that will be heart-healing

or heartbreaking.