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4:46 p.m.

Alano is calling my name, but I ignore him now like I should’ve when I was on the Hollywood Sign.

I run past Milagro Castle and through the iron gate, slipping out of the Scorpius Hawthorne robe along the way because I don’t

want a damn thing of Alano’s. Once I’m home, I’m gonna burn our Begin Day contract and myself.

I’m pissed off at my stupid-ass lungs for breathing and my stupid-ass brain for making me miss Alano already even though he’s

why my stupid-ass heart is broken, but I’m super pissed off at my stupid-ass self for believing a life as scarring as mine

could ever be healed.

Footsteps pound the pavement behind me and like we’re in a race, Alano takes the lead. He blocks my path near the Jurassic

Park ride. He’s holding on to his chest as he catches his breath.

“Please stop,” he wheezes.

I’m so mad at myself for not running away as Alano pumps his inhaler. Dane is right behind us, he can make sure that Alano

is all good. But I don’t go.

Why can’t I let Alano die the way he should’ve let me?

Is it because of my stupid-ass brain? Or my stupid-ass heart?

Alano leans against a fence. “Talk to me.”

I stare straight into his green eye and brown eye, not letting them enchant me or any shit like that. “I don’t know what’s

happening between us, like, if we’re friends or more, and I thought I knew how you felt about me, but maybe that’s just my

stupid-ass BPD brain telling a story that’s not true or because you’re the one not telling the truth, but I’m not gonna lie

to you: I care about you in a big way, Alano.”

I break down crying because this is the first time I’ve ever confessed romantic feelings to a boy—a boy who saved my life

and made me wanna live!—and it’s so damn heartbreaking. He tries to hold me, but I push him back because I only wanna be held

if he means it.

“What really sucks is that I don’t know if I’m even allowed to get upset over you and Rio being so damn touchy-touchy and

moving in together since I’m not your boyfriend, but I thought our Begin Days were gonna take us to that future.”

I wish I felt better getting all of this off my chest, but I don’t, I just feel pathetic. I should have stayed home, missing

Alano instead of being here and missing the Alano I fell for.

Alano is quiet, probably wondering how he can gently call me crazy for believing that I ever had a shot with someone as amazing as him. He slowly closes the space between us, and this time I don’t push him away. He’s tearing up as he wipes away my tears. He holds my hands in his—the same hands that helped me down the Hollywood Sign, that took my gun away before I could kill a Death Guarder and myself, that signed a contract to live out his Begin Days with me.

“I’m focused on the future too, .” Alano’s eyes gaze into mine. “A future for you and a future with us.”

My heart races because I love these words so much, but I can’t tell if they’re bullshit.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Timing. That might sound ridiculous coming from the heir to a company that promotes making the most of every single day,

especially when I no longer know what’s in store for me, but it’s the truth,” Alano says and I’m telling myself that he’s

not lying. “I also had to make sure that we are both in the right headspaces.”

“Because you have feelings for Rio?”

“No, something else. I’ve only spoken about it with my mother, but I’d like to open up to you too. I think it’s necessary.”

I go from being pissed at Alano to swooning for him to being scared for him. “Are you okay?”

“I truthfully don’t know,” Alano says, which scares me even more. “I am sure about my feelings for Rio, though. He’s my best

friend who I love so much, but Rio was never my boyfriend, and he never will be.”

I’m hit with relief and shame all at once. I acted this way over nothing. “Wow, my brain really is a stupid-ass liar—”

“No, I have history with Rio. It’s sad and complicated and not always easy to talk about because it was one-sided, but I’m sorry for not trying. Your brain wouldn’t have needed to fill in the blanks if I told you everything before putting you in this situation. Please believe that I invited you because I couldn’t imagine being present with Rio without missing you. I’m sorry my carelessness made you feel unwelcomed, but you’re the one I want. I’m here now with you, not him.”

Alano has history with Rio, but he wants a future with me.

I gotta figure out what I’m doing now.

“Okay, but what about Rio? He definitely wants to be your boyfriend still.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“How can you be so brilliant, Alano, and so clueless?”

“I’m not clueless. I promise Rio doesn’t want to be my boyfriend.”

“You’re not a mind reader! How do you know—”

“Because I asked Rio to be my boyfriend and he said no,” Alano says.

His voice cracking breaks my heart because his pain is over some other boy. I thought it was one-sided because Alano rejected

Rio, not the other way around.

“This was three summers ago. Rio was still grieving Lucio. I became his escapism, and he became mine. It turned intimate but

never anything more because he didn’t feel how I felt.”

I’m gonna have nightmares about Rio in bed with Alano, taunting me over how he’s special and I’m not. But there’s something

more haunting than any sex they’ve had.

“How did you feel about him?” I nervously ask.

“I was in love with him,” Alano confesses.

I hate Rio even more because Alano loved him.

“That’s that, then,” I say, breaking down in tears.

“What is?”

“Us. I got enough ghosts in my life, I’m not gonna try and win a war against Rio as if he isn’t everything you wanted.”

“That’s not fair, . Everyone has pasts. Things we’re not proud of.”

“Are you swinging at me for killing my dad?”

“No, never! I’m trying to open up about my regrets—”

“Yeah, you regret Rio so much that you’re moving in with him. I’m not gonna be your long-distance boyfriend when your boy

who got away is down the hall.”

Alano reaches for my hands, but I back away. “I want to explore a future with you, . I promise Rio is in the past.”

I wanna believe this promise so bad. “How long in the past?”

“I told you. Three years ago.”

“No, I mean... nothing has happened between you since then?”

Alano is quiet as he looks around, trying to hide his tears. “This shouldn’t matter. Everything Rio and I have done was before

I met you.”

“How long before? Six months? A year?”

Alano closes his eyes. “Two weeks.”

Hot tears blind me as my stomach twists in knots. “You are so stuck in the past.”

He starts sobbing. “Please don’t say that, , you have no idea how much that hurts—”

“You know what hurts, Alano? Staying alive for you!”

Alano wants to pull me in for a hug so bad, but he knows I’m never letting him touch me again. “You aren’t supposed to stay

alive for me. I’ve only ever wanted you to live for yourself.”

“If you wanted me to live for myself, you should’ve shown me I was worth loving.” I get in Alano’s face, one last time, close

enough for the kiss I’ll now die without. “You’re dead to me.”

The tears fill Alano’s green eye and brown eye so fast, ready to suck me back in, but I turn to leave. Alano grabs my hand,

tugging at me, hard.

My blood boils as my fingernails dig into my palms.

I spin around, my fist held high, and—

I stop myself from punching Alano, but he flinches anyway. I made Alano flinch.

Dane comes to Alano’s rescue, shielding him—shielding him from me.

I spin in a full circle to find people around the park filming me.

I stare at my fist. Did I almost just punch Alano in the face? That’s not me, I don’t go around getting mad and hitting people.

But I almost did.

Then I’m hit with an even more devastating blow: I’m becoming my dad.

Everyone was right about me. I’m a threat to society.

Nothing hurts more than the fear in Alano’s eyes as he finally sees me for the monster I am.

I run away.

The Begin Days are dead, but I don’t know how I’m gonna survive my Not-End Days without the boy I like—the boy I love.