Page 11

Los Angeles Paz

9:00 p.m. (Pacific Daylight Time)

The one and only time I was on suicide watch made me even more suicidal.

Mom and Rolando would stay up with me every night, waiting until Death-Cast was done with their calls so that they knew I wouldn’t be successful in killing myself. Not that that stopped me from trying last time. That very threat is why Mom slept in bed with me as Rolando camped outside my door in a sleeping bag in case I tried running away, which wasn’t my plan but definitely became an urge the longer I didn’t have privacy. Rolando removed the doorknobs from every room in the house so I couldn’t lock myself in anywhere, even though it wasn’t possible to try overdosing again, since all his alcohol had been dumped out and my antidepressants were hidden somewhere. It didn’t stop there. One time I had a headache and went to the medicine cabinet for Excedrin and found the shelves cleared of everything except toothpaste and cotton balls. It took weeks before household meds were reintroduced into the bathroom, and it’s a great thing no one ever caught on that I had started burning myself with the shower’s steaming hot water or Mom would’ve probably bathed me in the backyard with the garden hose.

I only got off the intense suicide watch thanks to crafting Happy Paz.

Sometimes it’s sad being so good at acting that loved ones believe I’m okay.

Across the country, the Death-Cast calls are beginning, but no one can know I’m counting down these next three hours before

lucky souls start receiving theirs in LA, or that I’m hoping I’ll be one of them.