Page 114

July 30, 2020

12:00 a.m.

Death-Cast hasn’t called yet, but the heir is gonna kill himself.

This is the psychotic break Alano has been fearful of all along, the snap.

“Alano, that’s not safe, get down,” I say, trying to play it off like there’s a chance Alano has forgotten he’s at the very

top of his roof.

Alano doesn’t respond. He keeps staring out into the city.

Is this how Mom felt when she found me drunk and drugged and near death?

How do I save Alano from this? Should I remind him that he used to be scared of heights? Will his hyperthymesia trick him

into making that fear feel real again? Or what if I do that and he freaks out and falls forward? Fuck, fuck, fuck. How about

getting help? By the time I run inside and find Dane in that big-ass apartment, Alano might already be on the ground. I need

some intervention, like the helicopter that appeared when I was on the Hollywood Sign. No, the helicopter didn’t save me.

Alano did. He climbed up that Hollywood Sign when I was a stranger and saved my life. Now I gotta be the X factor that saves

Alano’s life.

I gotta be careful. I’m so scared of accidentally doing something that makes him fall before he can change his mind, before he got me to change my mind. What did he do to get me to change my mind? I don’t have his memory, and those few minutes on top of the Hollywood Sign were so intense. He told me not to jump. He recognized me—no, he saw me, like, really saw me. He told me that he had tried killing himself before too. That he had found himself up here before.

I’m not trained for this, and Alano wasn’t either, but he was a natural. I gotta speak from the heart.

“Alano, I know what you’re going through,” I say. Fuck, I fucking suck at this. It’s the truth, but even I’m not buying this

delivery. I sound like an actor playing a crisis negotiator on some shitty network show and not someone who actually knows

this pain. “I know what it’s like to wanna die. To feel powerless. To feel like the world will make all my choices for me

and never hook me up with any wins. But you’ve shown me that I have more power than I ever would’ve thought.”

“My father is more powerful,” Alano says.

“You can’t let him have power over you.”

“There’s no stopping him. He said it himself: he has inexhaustible power. He will always abuse it and claim that it’s for

my greater good.”

“You don’t need him!”

Alano begins muttering something about the night Andrea Donahue was fired. Or repeating something about everyone forgetting Alano’s name. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, and I don’t forget Alano’s name, I call it over and over until he opens his eyes because I’m scared he’s about to forget where he is and fall over. He opens his eyes. He’s back with me.

“Alano, if I can begin again, so can you.”

“My father won’t ever let me begin. The only life he wants me to have is the one he has planned for me.”

“He wants you alive, Alano, that’s all. He would be devastated to know that you were up here right now, thinking about dying.”

“I’ve only ever been up here because of him,” Alano says.

“What do you mean?”

“October 24, 2019. A Thursday. Beautiful weather. Clear skies. A Thursday,” Alano says, like he’s not aware that he’s repeating

himself. “I was taking a long weekend from classes because I was overwhelmed by everyone’s stories. Everyone tells me their

pain and it never leaves my head, it never leaves. I can’t quiet all their stories.”

I wish I had never said anything to Alano, I wish I had killed myself minutes before, or waited until Dad’s anniversary, anything

that would’ve stopped us from meeting, knowing how much my pain has tortured Alano, who doesn’t deserve that.

“My father was drunk during the day,” Alano says. “I could smell the tequila on him as he opened my door and started yelling at me in my sanctuary. I wasn’t living up to his expectations. I wasn’t taking on more than I can handle. I wasn’t ready to lead this company if something happened to him that night. My memory bank was an asset to him when he needed it, but he could never empathize with what I actually feel. I fought back. He wanted me to train as a herald, even though I had told him I didn’t want to do it because it would be too traumatizing. He told me to be stronger like he had to be when he was founding this company. Then I finally worked that shift and I heard a man kill himself and now that gunshot can never leave my head!”

Alano flinches like a bullet has just passed by him. He twists so sharply I’m sure he’s about to fall back, but he finds his

balance.

“He endangered me! This is what I was avoiding. But he sees death as a part of life and wanted to throw me into the fire.

I didn’t want to get burned. My father got so furious that he said if I can’t see the value in making those calls myself,

that maybe I don’t deserve to know when he dies. That I disappointed him so much that he wanted to die without me knowing.”

Alano is sobbing. “That’s when I decided that I would kill myself and he wouldn’t know either. But if I had gone through with

it, my death would have been a complete mystery to my father because he blacked out that whole conversation. I’m the only

one who knows—who remembers.”

All this time I’ve been so mad at Mom for threatening to kill herself if I died first, but Alano has been secretly battling

these feelings of Joaquin bullying him so bad and saying that Alano was such a disappointment that he wanted to kill himself.

That only led to Alano surviving his attempt. And Joaquin has only fucked with his life even more since then.

I don’t know if Alano will survive this time.

I’m not enough to live for.

Connecting with him didn’t work, what else did he do to save me?

The stars catch my eye. Alano said fate brought us together. I might think I’m not enough to live for, but Alano definitely did. I remember him shouting at me on the Hollywood Sign that he believed fate brought us together. I gotta remind him.

“Fate didn’t bring us together so I can watch you die,” I say, doing my best to echo him.

Alano turns, his back to the city. “Maybe it did.”

“It didn’t, you have changed my life—”

“You should kill me, ! Mac Maag was right to target me. You should get your revenge—”

“I don’t give a shit about Death-Cast ruining my life, I only care about saving yours!”

Alano shakes his head and closes his eyes, saying something that doesn’t make sense at first, until I realize he’s quoting

me from earlier when I was talking to Dad’s ghost. “?‘I hate you for making me violent. I would’ve never picked up a gun or

raised a hand at anyone if you weren’t in my life... I somehow still love and miss you even though you ruined my life.

But I’m also happy you’re not alive to screw me up anymore because I’m gonna keep living whether you like it or not!’ You

should live, , you should live. You should kill me, and you should live.”

Would guilt-tripping Alano help? There’s no way I’m gonna live if he mysteriously falls from the rooftop garden on the very

same night he brings me home for the first time, especially since I’m the only one who knows he attempted suicide before.

No one’s gonna take my word. But I don’t think guilt is how to get through to him right now, I don’t fucking know.

What else did Alano do with me?

The deal!

“Alano, you gotta give me three hours,” I say. And as much as I hate saying it, I hope I won’t have to act on it. “You gotta give me until two fifty a.m. like I gave you. If that’s not enough, I’ll push you off this roof myself.”

“No,” Alano says.

“Please. We can go wherever you want, do whatever you want.”

“The only place I want to go is down,” Alano says, eyeing the street. His legs are shaking.

I’m losing, I’m gonna lose him. “This isn’t your End Day, Alano.”

“It is, . I’m so sorry. Please take care of Bucky and yourself.”

I don’t even think about it, I just rush and hop up to the edge, a few feet away from Alano. The guardrail comes up to my

knee, which isn’t enough to guard anyone from falling over, not that anyone should be standing up here in the first place.

This is higher than the Hollywood Sign. I feel so much closer to the stars and moon. And I know that there is no surviving

this drop.

I wonder if I’ll hear our phones ringing with Death-Cast alerts any minute now.

“What are you doing?” Alano asks.

I take a couple steps toward him. “I’ll always save you, and you’ll always save me. Remember?”

Alano remembers our deal, but this time he isn’t smiling. “You shouldn’t save me. You shouldn’t want me alive.”

“I’m not one of these assholes who wants you dead.”

“You should be.”

“Alano, I hated being a survivor until I met you,” I say, getting closer. “Now you got me going to bed hoping Death-Cast won’t call and excited to wake up to start my day.” I reach out, hoping he’ll take my hand. “I’m proud to be a survivor because of you.”

Alano ignores my hand. “You should forget about me, . Go live your life.”

My heart races as I close the space between us. “You are unforgettable, Alano,” I cry, hating this pain in his beautiful eyes.

I grab his hand, locking my fingers around his. “And I’m not gonna live without you.”

“You have to,” Alano says.

I’ve been trying to follow in Alano’s footsteps since he was able to save me, but none of his tricks are working on him. I

gotta tap into someone else’s playbook.

“If you kill yourself, Alano, I’m gonna kill myself too.”

This is why Mom did what she did. It wasn’t to guilt me. She was telling the truth. I know in the pit of my stomach that I

can’t watch Alano dive off this ledge without wanting to jump after him.

He shakes his head. “Don’t do this to me. I told you that I only wanted you to live for yourself.”

“And I want the same for you, but I know how hard life can be. If you don’t have it in you to live it, then I’m not gonna

stop you, but I won’t live without you, so we’re better off doing this together.” I squeeze his hand as my legs shake.

“Trust me. You don’t want a life with me. It won’t end well.”

“Then we should end it now. Today was a powerful End Day, but before we do . . .” Sudden movements are dangerous, but that doesn’t stop me from finally pressing my lips against Alano’s. If we were to fall to our deaths right now, I hope our lips would stay locked. Alano comes alive and kisses me back. I slowly pull away and give him a sad smile while staring into his beautiful eyes. “If we’re about to die, I had to know what it’s like to kiss the guy I love.”

Alano stares like he’s about to call me out for lying. “You love me?”

“Don’t play dumb, you know-it-all.”

His bottom lip quivers. “I love you too, .”

I smile because I’m now Happy , but it’s not an act. I thought I would die before hearing a boy say he loves me. This feeling...

it’s like flying. And in a blink, that’s what it really feels like when our feet leave the roof’s edge. There’s nothing to

do but accept that I’ve lost this fight to save Alano’s life and my own. I wasn’t enough to live for, but I was enough to

love, even if it was just for a few days. Except we don’t lose because we don’t fall forward toward the street but slam backward

onto the rooftop.

Alano pants after saving us and stares up at the stars, and I roll onto him, wrapping my arms around him to hug him, to restrain

him, to hold on and never let go.

This isn’t our End Day.

There are some Deckers who manage to live perfect End Days, but not everyone’s got a life where you can get a happy End Day.

Some of us got wounds and brains and hearts that need more than twenty-four hours to heal. Days, weeks, months, even years.

That time can be suffocating, and planning those futures can feel like telling lies, but love saved us tonight, and as long

as we stay together, love will keep us alive.