Page 48 of The Runaway
Connor looked up at Max’s blunt pronouncement, finding the older man watching him intently. “Spit what out?”
“Whatever it is that’s got you all tied up in knots,” Max said. “I’m sick of seeing you mope about like your best friend died, which is exactly what you’ve been doing for the past week, so let’s hear what all the drama’s about.”
Connor rolled his eyes and went back to his work of loading wood into the wheelbarrow, ready to be taken back to the main house. “My best friend was sold to a pub owner who most likely used her as a one-woman whorehouse for all the patrons who were too drunk to walk the two streets over to the actual whorehouse, so maybe you need to find a new analogy.” It wasn’t Connor’s habit to be rude, but his temper was shot and his mood over the past week had taken a weighty downturn, so he couldn’t quite muster the energy to give Max a polite excuse.
At his sharp retort, Max dropped a piece of wood, narrowly missing having it land on his own foot. “Fuck! Damn it…” He retrieved the log, then glanced at Connor again. “Shit. Sorry. About your friend, I mean.”
“Whatever,” Connor said, preferring to avoid the entire conversation.
“We’re just worried about you,” Helen said, taking a more tactful approach than Max had. She was halfway through loading her own wheelbarrow, the pile of wood destined for one of the cottages. “You’ve been out of sorts ever since you went through your heat. If something went wrong, it can’t just be swept under the rug. Did Gabriel-”
Connor dropped the log he was holding and turned to face Helen, eyes narrowed in anger, lip pulled back in a snarl. “If you ask me if Gabriel hurt me one more time, I’m going to break your fucking nose, rules be damned. You or Max or Henry have asked me that at least three times a day since my heat ended, and I’ve told you every single fucking time that I’m perfectly fucking fine and no, he didn’t do anything wrong, so you can shove your sanctimonious ‘concern’ up your fucking asses.”
Not waiting for an answer, he heaped one last armful of logs into the wheelbarrow then picked up the handles and marched out of the woodshed. And if, when he entered the house, he kept a careful ear out for Gabriel’s voice to avoid running into him? That was nobody’s business but his own.
Two days later, Connor was preparing potatoes in the kitchen with Adalene. The cook had stepped out for a few minutes, leaving the pair of them alone.
“Can I ask you something?” Adalene said, after they’d worked in silence for a good ten minutes. “And I know you don’t want to talk about this, so I’m not going to make a fuss. I just want to ask one simple question and get an honest answer.”
Connor was well aware of the clandestine gossip that was still going on about his mating with Gabriel. But so far, Adalene hadn’t been one of the ones to keep questioning him about it. And that was the only reason he even considered agreeing to her request. “Fair enough,” he said, bracing himself not so much for an intrusive question, but for the rush of longing and regret that would come with it. “One question. What is it?”
Adalene turned to face him, setting down her potato and the peeler. Then she asked seriously, “Are you okay?”
Connor let the question hang in the air. But as the seconds ticked by, there was no further adornment to the words, no implications about why he might not be okay or who might be to blame if he wasn’t. And he’d learned by now that Adalene tended to keep her thoughts to herself, so anything he said here wasn’t likely to go any further.
“I’m…” The word ‘fine’, poised on the tip of his tongue, failed to make an appearance. Was he fine? In a lot of ways, he was; uninjured and safe and in better health than he’d been for most of his life. “I don’t know,” he said eventually. “It’s… awkward. Particularly with Helen.”
“Why Helen in particular?”
“Because she was so disappointed with her heat. And mine… wasn’t. Wasn’t disappointing. And I don’t want to rub that in her face.”
“This isn’t all just about Helen, though, is it?”
“No. It’s because it was…” He blushed, then blushed harder as he realised his embarrassment was so obvious. There was nothing taboo about omegas discussing their matings – aside from on Connor’s last estate, where no one had dared speak a word out of turn – but he found himself fumbling over the explanation nonetheless. “It was the most wonderful experience of my entire life,” he managed eventually. “He was so patient, and he gave me food, and he told me I was beautiful. I’ve never had anything like that before. And no matter how much I try, I can’t get it out of my head.”
“You’re in love with him.” Adalene said it as a statement, not a question, low and awe-filled.
“Fuck. Adalene…” Connor floundered for a moment, then continued. “I know it’s not real. Everyone in the world knows some omega or other who got carried away with the heat hormones and thought they were in love afterwards. And I know damn well that Gabriel’s not interested in me, so I just need to get over it and move on.” He picked up the next potato, vigorously depriving it of its skin. “It’s not a surprise,” he went on, keeping his gaze on the table. “It’s the first time I’ve been mated by anyone who gave a shit about anything more than how tight my hole was, so it’s hardly a revelation that I’m going to fall for a few kind words and someone who bothers to pay attention to whether or not their omega orgasmed. It’s just…” His throat closed up and he swallowed, then took a slow, steadying breath. And he might have actually managed to pull himself together if Adalene hadn’t chosen that moment to put a warm, gentle hand on his shoulder, offering both sympathy and reassurance. Connor felt tears fill his eyes. But given that they were alone, he didn’t bothering fighting them back. He shook his head sadly. “He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t want any omega. He’s made that perfectly clear since the day he arrived on this estate. But he bought me, and he… He was so gentle, and…”
He felt arms around his shoulders and went willingly when Adalene pulled him into a hug. She rubbed his back, and Connor realised he hadn’t really been hugged like this since the last time he’d seen Jackelyn.
“I understand how confusing this can be,” Adalene said, still holding him close. “I know a thing or two about being in love with an alpha.”
“Yeah, but the difference is Niles wants you back,” Connor said.
Adalene released him and looked into his eyes. “Some days, I’m not so sure. I don’t doubt his intentions. He’s kind and attentive and he’s going to a lot of effort to bond with me. But he treats me like I’m going to break if he breathes on me too hard. I mean… I love him. I really do. But I don’t think he really sees me. He sees a beautiful, helpless slave who needs rescuing. He doesn’t understand that I’m just as tough as anyone else here. I work in the fields in the heat of summer. I go out in the rain. I haul wood. I crash-tackled a sheep last summer when it tried to jump a fence out of the shearing yard.” She gave a chuckle at the memory, then sighed, a heartfelt sound that Connor recognised easily, having made the same sound repeatedly over the last week.
“I’m not ignorant,” Adalene said. “And I’m not stupid. I’m well aware that outside this estate, the world is a cold and cruel place. I’m blessed beyond measure to have a master who cares for me as much as Niles does. But somehow, it’s not enough. And I spend so much time thinking I’m an ungrateful shrew for wanting more. But there it is. It’s been a year that we’ve been trying to bond with each other, and the longer it goes on, the more sure I am that I’m the one holding us back. I want to be able to just let go and love him fully, but…”
“You don’t want to be his slave. You want to be his equal.”
Adalene stared at the ground morosely. “Yes. Exactly.”
“I know how that feels,” Connor said. “I told you once that I didn’t want to bond with anyone. And that’s basically the reason why. I’ll never be an alpha’s equal. And if I can’t be, then I’d rather not have one at all.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “You can love someone and not be able to bond with them. And that doesn’t mean you love them any less. But at least you can be honest with yourself about why you haven’t bonded. And maybe, if there’s an opportunity, you might one day have a chance to do something about it.”
Adalene smiled, sad and hopeful at the same time. “What about you?”
Connor shrugged. “I’m going to try to stop chasing unrealistic dreams. All I ever wanted was to not be an omega. Maybe it’s time I just learned to accept it.”