Page 46 of The Rogue (Four Corners Ranch #11)

love with him. It almost seemed silly. Because it seemed so obvious to her that what was between them was so much deeper than

anything else. So much deeper than anything they’d ever been. Than she’d ever been.

But as scary as it had been to think about how sex might upset things between the two of them, the idea of introducing feelings that she knew Justice wouldn’t be comfortable with was terrifying.

Because it was the unknown. There were very few things about him that were unknown.

But the deepest part of him, the way that he held himself at a distance, was something she didn’t have all the answers to.

Didn’t know the intricacies of. Because of that, it was just a terrifying prospect.

Putting herself out there like that. She really didn’t know what he would do.

He was her best friend, and she knew so much.

But she was reminded of the way he had reacted when he’d seen that cave.

She had never known that fear existed inside of him. And if anything had ever spoken such loud volumes about Justice, it was

that.

She’d been friends with him for most of her life, and she didn’t understand that.

She sighed, and looked out the window, just as she heard the sound of tires on gravel. It was Justice.

She assumed he had been out working. His whole schedule had changed since she had moved in with him. He didn’t stay out all

night. He didn’t get up quite so late. It was a very different experience of Justice King.

He was dressed up this morning, black pants and a button-up shirt. It was strange.

He opened up the door and took his hat off, which was even weirder. He was acting like he’d just walked into a church.

And for one second, her heart lifted. Because maybe this was it. Maybe he loved her too. Maybe he was going to ask her to

marry him. It made sense. They made sense. She had never really loved anyone else, not in her whole life. She had never really

wanted anyone else. It had just taken years for her to be brave enough to see the truth of it. But maybe he was brave enough

now too.

She moved toward him, not even thinking, and reached her hands out.

“Hey,” he said, leaning in and kissing her cheek. His lips were cool, which was strange. Or maybe not, because it was winter outside. But it did feel weird. It made her heart sink just a little bit.

“I’ve got something to tell you,” he said. But he smiled. So it had to be good.

“What?”

“I went to the auction this morning.”

She frowned. “You did?”

“I bought the house.”

For a minute, her head went completely fuzzy.

“You bought the house. My house?”

“Yes. Because you’re special, and you didn’t deserve what happened. And after everything... I wanted to get it for you.”

She was fighting to get words out, fighting to breathe. “You can’t do that.”

“Yes, I can. I don’t have a mortgage here. So, it’s fine to pay for that.”

“But how ? You had to pay with cash.”

He shrugged. “Yeah. Denver fronted me the money. It isn’t a big deal.”

“ Six figures isn’t a big deal?”

“No. Not between us. Anyway, I have it. I have some investments of my own. I just needed time to access the accounts, sell

a few stocks, so I’m going to pay him back.”

It was such an amazing gift, really it was. He had given her her grandmother’s house. But she didn’t feel happy.

Because she didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want to leave this life here. She wanted to get closer to him, and this was him

moving him farther away.

His grand gesture was lovely in so many ways. But it was also ending them.

Ending this.

“I don’t want the house,” she said.

“What?”

“I mean, I do. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful. I am. But I... Justice, I want to stay here with you.”

His shoulders went rigid, and that was when her heart tightened like a fist. He wanted her somewhere else. This wasn’t just

about buying her the house; it was about getting her out of his. He hadn’t come to tell her that he loved her. Quite the opposite.

“Justice,” she said, tears filling her eyes. “Don’t you know that I love you?”

She hadn’t meant to say it like this. She hadn’t meant to say it all weak and watery like this. She hadn’t. Everything just

felt so tenuous and fragile, and it had never felt like higher stakes. Because she really might lose him. She had no idea

how he was going to react to this, except she already knew that he was running scared. But she had to say it. She had to.

He started to speak and she could already tell she wouldn’t like what he had to say. She knew him. Right now she wished she

didn’t know him quite so well.

“Rue, you know I care a hell of a lot about you too. But you have a plan. A plan to get your life back on track. I want you

to have the house.”

“Are you pretending you don’t know what that means?” she choked out. “That I love you? I’m in love with you, Justice.”

“Please don’t,” he said. “I can’t give you what you’re asking for with all that. I’d...”

“You bought the house so you could break up with me.”

“No,” he said, emphatic. “I fucking didn’t. There’s no breaking up . We’re us. We’re us, just the same way that we’ve always been. But I thought that you would want your own space back.”

“You wanted to go back to being just friends?”

“We are friends. Whether we’re having sex or not. What difference does it make?”

She couldn’t take it anymore. She exploded. “Are you this big of an idiot?” she asked. “Are you really this big of an idiot. Like sex didn’t change things between us. Because it’s actually harder to talk about some things now.

All the mysteries that make you you are just more amplified. I’m more aware of the differences between us. You’re a man, and I’m a woman. And there are pieces

of you that you hold back from me.” She paused. “Not just me. Everybody. You do this, you take care of me instead of being

honest about what you’re actually doing. You bought me this house so that you could be my hero. And you would rather do that

than admit that... There’s never going to be anybody else for me. Just like there’s never going to be anybody else for

you. Why do you think we’re like this? And why do you think...”

She took a deep breath, put her hand on her chest and tried to keep on talking without faltering.

“Asher was like my stand-in. I couldn’t get love and marriage from you, and I got it from him, keeping you with me, I liked you best the whole time.

I think you know that. I think you liked it.

You got to be the most important man in my life, and somebody else was going to marry me and give me kids.

And you knew I never loved him as much as I loved you. ”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. You are the most important person in my life. Hands down. But I can’t do

this thing that you want me to. I can’t do a shared life. And shared feelings. And shared everything. I can’t... I can’t

love you the way that you deserve to be loved.”

“How do you think that is?”

“You want that beautiful house, you want that beautiful life. That gorgeous wedding, and I’m not the guy that can give you

that.”

“No. I wanted all that because it made marrying Asher feel right. Because I could plan it and organize it and put everything

in its place, and that made me feel good, because the emotions weren’t there. But if I have you... I don’t need a wedding.

I don’t need the perfect dress. I don’t need anything but you . You and me together. I just need you to love me. The way that you already do. I just want you to hold me, and be there for

me, and admit what we are. What we have always been.”

“And what is that?”

“Running scared, I think. Because I think we fell in love when we were two kids who didn’t know what the hell it was, and

we chose to run away from it rather than deal with it because that was easier and we were scared.”

“Rue, there was a time when I might’ve been able to do it.

But it has been a long time past. A long fucking time.

And you grew into the woman that you are.

All the shit you went through, it made you better.

Maybe if I would’ve dealt with it back then I would’ve figured out something different than what I did.

I just shut everything down. I don’t know how to fix it.

I don’t... It’s uncomfortable. Even having you in my space sometimes.

Because I just... I want to be in control of everything.

Okay? Because you can’t... you can’t trust anyone with anything.

Not really. Not when your feelings can be manipulated any which way as long as a person has the power to use your love against you. ”

“You can trust me.”

“I can’t trust myself. That part of me is broken. And I know, because I broke it on purpose. Because I never wanted to be

as scared or hurt again as I was when I was a kid and I was in that cave and...”

“It’s not the cave, though, is it? That was scary and it was horrible. But there’s more.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. Because this is the wall. It’s the wall I can’t kick down, the one that I can’t scale. It’s the thing that I can’t

be enough for. And I need to know why. I need to know what it is.”

“He left me there, Rue. After I did what he wanted. Do you have any idea what a mind fuck that is? I thought my dad was a

good guy back then. He was my hero. After that everything just felt terrifying. Like a cave that could collapse at any moment.

If doing everything he asked me to didn’t make me matter, then what could? And I don’t know what to do for that kid. So I

just became the man that I am.”

“But we met after that,” she said. “And you still let me in. You still cared for me anyway.”

“Yeah. I did. You’re the one person I ever trusted, the one other way I’ve ever found to trust love, and if it changes, Rue, if we change.... I need you to be the person that I made you in my life. And I can’t risk losing it.”

“But we did change. We changed. Or maybe more accurately we were finally real about what we wanted.”

“I trusted you,” he said. “To be my friend. And now you’re changing...”

“Don’t you dare,” she said, anger fueling her now. “Don’t you dare turn this around and make it about your trust issues. I

love you, you dick, I didn’t leave you stranded in a cave. I am sorry that your dad is a hideous narcissist. I am sorry that he hurt you. You have

no idea how much. And I would spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that for you.”

“I don’t want you to do that. I wanted you to have that perfect life. I wanted you to have that with him. Because that’s what

you deserved. You have any idea how fucking relieved I was when you found somebody else.” His voice broke. It broke her . “Do you have any idea?”

He meant that. With every fiber of his being.

Her eyes filled with tears. “I... Give me the keys to the house.”

He reached into his pocket, and took them out, and she grabbed them.

“I’m going to go,” she said.

“You don’t need to leave,” he said.

“Are you kidding? Yes, I do. You... you broke my heart, Justice. Asher didn’t break my heart.

He didn’t have the power to do it. Because I know the difference.

I know the difference between a thwarted plan and heartbreak.

God. I thought that I did before. I thought I knew.

But now I really do. And it hurts. I can’t be with you right now.

I can’t stay with you like things are fine. ”

“We’re friends, Rue. Lifelong. We’ve weathered all that stuff, and—”

“I don’t know if we can weather this, Justice.”

“You’re acting like my dad,” he said, the words stinging her. “You know, he told me years later... He asked me to do another

delivery for him when I was fourteen and I said no. Because I was scared, sure, because of what had happened before but also

because I couldn’t stand how disappointed you’d be if you found out I did a drug delivery. I told him no, and he said he wished

he would have let me die because I was useless. I did that for you, and now you’re leaving me?”

That made her feel like she was being stabbed right in the chest.

She had been afraid of this. Terrified, and part of herself had decided that no matter what she would stay his friend. But

now she didn’t know. Just like she had said to Arizona and Bix and Fia, she didn’t know what the right thing to do was. To

demand everything, to demand what she wanted, to not be another person who abandoned him, or who loved him conditionally.

She didn’t know what would be possible. And she wouldn’t know for a while. She was certain of that. She was also... You

couldn’t unhammer a nail. They could never take this and make it something that it wasn’t. They could never take it and make

it whole again. And it was up to her to decide if she was okay with the shape of the new relationship they were left with,

or if she had to walk.

“I’ll pay you back for the house,” she said.

“I don’t want you to.”

“I’m not sure that I can be beholden to you, Justice.”

“You’re going walk away from our friendship over this? Over sex?”

“It’s not over sex. I don’t know if I can stand being with you knowing what we could be. Knowing what you won’t let us be. You had

really awful stuff happen to you. And I am so sorry. Of course you don’t trust people. You’re so worried about the way you

think you can love me, why don’t you think about the way that I loved you. For all those years. The way that I earned your

trust. You’re entitled to your trauma. Because it is really bleak. But I deserve better. I’ve been the best friend. I’ve been loyal to you. I stayed. I’m everything that I’ve ever said that I was.

You felt so sorry for me when my behavior didn’t get me what you thought I deserved. But what about this ? I’ve earned the right to be loved. I’ve earned your trust. You not giving it is about you. It’s a choice.”

She stood there for a moment, then walked into her room and opened up her Justice box. She took the borrowed necklace out

and she went back to him.

“Take it,” she said, holding it out to him.

“Ruby...”

“Take it, Justice.” She shoved it into his palm. “I don’t want it. It doesn’t mean anything now.”

She stormed out the door and stood in the driveway, her world spinning.

She decided then that she would call Bix, Arizona and Fia to have them help her move, even though she knew the two pregnant women would only be able to lift light things. She knew they would understand what she was doing. She knew they would understand.

She clutched the keys in her hand and went out to her car, her whole world dissolving around her. “Bix,” she said, dialing

her first. “I need help moving.”

“Is that code for committing a murder? Because if so, I’m in.”