Page 44 of The Rogue (Four Corners Ranch #11)

There was just this big wall around parts of Justice. And Denver was much the same. She had known this whole family for most of her life, and yet with a lot of them, she couldn’t say she actually knew them deeply.

They ate, and talked for a while, and then the men took their home-brewed alcohol outside, which left Arizona, Bix, Fia and

Rue alone.

“So,” Bix said, her sharp gaze pinning her to the spot. “How was the honeymoon?”

She didn’t know what Denver had said to them. She suspected nothing, because she had a feeling the man was a locked box when

he wanted to be. And of course they were women, and intuitive. She thought about lying. But really, there wasn’t any point.

And she wanted some advice. Because each of them had someone. Really had them. Fia and Bix had managed to snare Kings. Arizona

was a king. Normally, Rue would talk to Justice. But she was realizing that when you had romantic feelings entangled with

somebody, when the stakes felt this high, and that person was your best friend, it was difficult to go to them directly.

She couldn’t turn it over inside of herself anymore. She had spent the last three days doing it.

“I need help,” she said.

“Oh good,” Fia said. “I love telling people what to do.”

“Well. It’s your lucky day. Because I really need to be told. I’m in love with him.”

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. It was the first time she’d said it out loud. The first time she’d

admitted it to herself like that. He was the love of her life, but for some reason, that felt easier than admitting she was

in love with him. It felt a little bit more all-encompassing.

“I knew it,” said Arizona. “I knew you were going to marry my brother.”

“Well, I don’t think he wants to marry me.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but he’s a little bit commitment shy.”

“You slept together, though, right?” Arizona pressed.

She felt her face getting hot.

“That’s a yes,” Bix said, gesturing to her face. “You’re the color of a boiled beet.”

“Charming,” Fia said, then turned back to Rue. “So you slept together. That must mean that he has feelings for you.”

“He does have feelings for me. I don’t have any doubt about that. That’s not the issue. The issue is... something has kept

us apart this whole time. For me it was being afraid of how powerful my feelings for him could be. I’m not less scared of

that now. It’s just...” She laughed. “You can’t unhammer a nail. And I hammered this one a little bit ago. I was fussing

around it trying to figure out how to pull it out. Then I just finally gave in. I accepted that there was nothing I could

do to go back on all this. He and I are a done deal. For me. Sleeping together was just part of it. It wasn’t the thing.”

“I get that,” Bix said. “I fell for Daughtry before he ever kissed me.” It was a soft, sweet admission coming from spiky Bix.

“By the time that happened there was just no more pretending.”

“Yes. That’s exactly what it is. It was finally letting myself in fully on how I already felt.

It explained so much. Why things with Asher were never amazing.

Because Justice has always had my heart.

He’s always had the most of me. I wanted to keep him in my left hand and Asher in my right hand.

It feels somehow related to two birds in the bush?

To a bird in the hand? I don’t know. It just felt like I wanted to double my odds.

Or split my emotions. Because this is so damned painful. ”

“So what’s the problem?” Fia asked.

“I can feel him pulling away sometimes. He wants this. Well, he likes sleeping with me. And he cares for me, but he’s never

been in a relationship. And he claims he never wants one. But it feels an awful lot like that’s what we have.”

“In fairness,” Arizona pointed out, “that’s what you’ve always had with him. You’ve kind of been his wife for years without

actually being his wife. He’s doing the same thing you were. He has you. But not all of you. And you get to have him, but

not all of him. It keeps both of you safe. They are the defining relationship in each other’s lives, it’s just that...”

“When I used to make moonshine,” Bix said, sounding so sage it was almost funny, “I used to bury some of my batch in different

places. Because I didn’t want to put everything in one spot in case it got raided, right? It’s a way to protect yourself when

resources are thin. That’s what you and Justice are doing. You’re protecting your emotional resources by burying your moonshine

in multiple places. But in this case moonshine is your feelings. For him, he’s got sex moonshine all over the place. His heart moonshine, that’s you. But now you’re both kinds of moonshine mixed together in one shot, and his heart’s having trouble taking the wallop that packs.”

“That’s very deep,” Fia said.

Bix smiled. “Thank you.”

Really, Bix made more sense than she had a right to.

“So... What am I supposed to do about this? How do I convince him to bury all the moonshine in one place?”

“Well, the reason you don’t do it is because you’re scared. Scarcity. All that. It would take a hell of a lot of trust.”

“I trust him,” Rue said.

“It’s hard for us to trust anything,” Arizona said. “Our dad was such an asshole. And our mom left. To protect herself, but

still. She left her kids behind. My dad was a smooth narcissist to the boys, but he really let his true colors out with me.

Because I disappointed him. He was so mad when I scarred myself up in my accident. Because I think he was afraid he might

actually have to take care of me, and there was no way in hell he was going to do that. So he was just ugly to me. Angry and

horrible. We were taught that love was very conditional. That everything was conditional. Our childhood was confusing and

erratic. Our dad was a manipulator, yes, but he was also primarily a giant selfish toddler. He did what felt good to him,

and when you’re in the care of a man like that, you never know what’s going to happen next. It’s hard to trust anything.”

She thought about the cave. About the way he felt abandoned. How no one came for him. Of course he didn’t trust anything.

“So what do I do? Do I tell him that I love him with no strings attached?”

“Do you want more from him than that?”

“I do,” she said. “But I don’t want to be another person holding something hostage.”

“But you can’t keep being his emotional surrogate either,” Fia said. “He’s always had you, and he’s never had to give you

everything.”

Both were good points.

“Maybe there’s not a right answer,” Bix said. “Because people aren’t math problems. And life is just a confusing shitshow.

Believe me. I know.”

“We all know,” Fia said. “And I guess that’s the one piece of wisdom we all have. In the end no matter how you handle it,

if it’s right, you’ll find your way together.”

Arizona smiled. “Remember you asked us if that meant you had to forgive Asher? Because we had forgiven Landry and Micah. But

that wasn’t the lesson. The lesson is that the right man is the right man, even if it doesn’t come together for thirteen years.”

“And sometimes the right man is the right man even if you’ve only been sleeping with them for a month. But it changes you

forever,” Bix added.

“I guarantee you that sometimes the right man is the right man even if you’ve known him since you were seven years old and

it took all that time for the two of you to find each other,” Fia said.

“I just love him so much,” she said.

“Show him,” Fia said.

“Love is a risk, there’s no way around that. But it’s the best risk I ever took. And sometimes it is a fight to get there.

But in the end, it’s worth it,” Bix said.

Bix was so young, but she had a world-weary spirit about her, a fighter’s attitude. She wasn’t a romantic. Hell, none of these women were. They had all lived, and had scars. They had all seen their share of hardship.

And they were all saying that love was worth fighting for.

She wasn’t entirely sure it was what she wanted to hear.

But the pursuit of comfort was what had seen her nearly marrying Asher. And it had been the wrong thing to do. If it was the

right one...

Asher hadn’t been the right one. She hadn’t been heartbroken, not for one moment. In fact, all of it had only driven her closer

to Justice. She thought back to when she had tried the wedding dress on, and they’d linked arms and looked in the mirror.

She knew then that it was right. That that was the life she was supposed to be moving toward. But it was too scary.

It wasn’t being good that had landed her in this place. It was being scared. How had she not realized that until now? She

hadn’t been well-behaved; she had been terrified.

Terrified had only ever gotten her half of what she wanted. Half of what she deserved. She wanted everything.

Oh, she wanted it all.

It was getting close to auction time. Her house would be sold. But the house didn’t matter any more than Asher did. Not anymore.

She hatched a plan, then and there. One that was all about who they were now. Lovers, and friends.

One that was about sex and talking and sharing.

She might take a little while to tell him that she loved him, but in the meantime, she was going to show him exactly what

she wanted. She was going to figure out a way to give him all of her in a way she hadn’t before.

Because she couldn’t be afraid. Not anymore.

Not now that she knew.

Now, she had to take what she wanted, once and for all.