Page 9

Eight

Jensen

“ P lease stow away all tray tables and return your seats to a fully upright position.”

I stare out the window of the plane, a nervous energy building inside me as I look out at Salt Lake City below me.

It feels as if someone else is piloting my life entirely. I’m no longer in charge; I’m just coasting down this hill without brakes or a way to stop.

And somewhat shamelessly enjoying every second. Whenever the guilt creeps in, I use the lies in my arsenal as a defense.

We are just friends.

I have no inappropriate intentions.

He’s my favorite musician—I’d be an idiot to turn this down.

It’s enough to ease my nerves.

As soon as the wheels touch down on the runway, I pull out my phone and text Theo.

Just landed.

I’m sure you’re busy getting ready, but I’ll see you tonight.

Thanks again for the ticket.

I don’t check for a reply until I’m in the taxi on the way to the venue. I really should work on this Sunday’s sermon. There are things to do at the church, and I do feel a little guilty that I’ve put off a lot of that work on my team.

But I’ve worked so hard over the last year to get the church where it is today. There was quite a hefty mess to clean up after the Goode scandal.

I deserve this break. I deserve to have a little fun and indulge.

A little .

By the time I arrive at the stadium, the doors are open, but it’s still early, so I kill time by grabbing a bite to eat and a couple of drinks. I’m not a big drinker, but I enjoy taking the edge off when I can. Those three tequila sodas were the most I’ve had in a long time.

While sitting down at a small table near a food vendor, I take some time to do some people-watching. There’s something wildly fascinating about watching strangers in a setting like this. I like to imagine their life stories and their values. What matters most to them? How do they function—with fear or with faith?

This is a country music concert in a very conservative state. Which makes it even stranger that I’m here to see a man I’m fairly certain was flirting with me. A man I’m very attracted to. If any of these people knew that, they’d probably be outraged.

The first time I knew I was different than all my friends was when I was thirteen. Going to the movies with some friends, I found myself lusting after Brendan Fraser in The Mummy while they were drooling over the female librarian.

I brushed it off for so long. But it felt like the elephant in the room of my childhood. Like everyone knew before I did. It was the thing no one ever wanted to speak about and it was eating me alive.

When I was fifteen, my mom encouraged me to check out Eternal Harmony. She called it a special youth group. “The most important youth group you’ll ever attend,” she said.

When I went to the first meeting, my world had changed. I felt like I had finally met people like me . The pastor of the group was a guy named Derek. He was in his late twenties and seemed like he had his whole life together. His confidence and charisma drew me in. But more importantly, he was married to a woman. It all seemed so perfect.

He promised us that he was like us. And that if we stayed the course, we would not only save our own lives, but our own souls.

He gave me direction when I felt like I was lost.

At first, my dad seemed worried. He often asked me what Pastor Derek spoke about, but it felt like a secret to me then. Eternal Harmony was mine . Something to be proud of. Something that was going to help me.

I was terrified of losing that.

So I told him nothing. Every year in the program, I moved up a level. I became a mentor, then a counselor, then a leader. I made friends and felt like I was truly part of something.

People around town started treating me differently. When I spoke, they listened. Girls began taking an interest in me.

On the outside, I was flourishing, and everything was falling into place.

For a teenager, that was all that mattered.

On the inside, I felt like I was crumbling. Rotting. Dying a slow, agonizing death.

Music starts playing in the distance, distracting me from my thoughts. It’s the same opener I saw two nights ago, so I don’t rush out to my seat like everyone else.

Instead, I text Theo.

Good luck tonight.

I’m shocked by how quickly he responds.

Are you here?

Yep.

Come backstage.

I’ve got an hour before I go on.

Really?

I don’t want to bother you.

Not at all.

You know how to find it?

I’ll figure it out.

See you soon.

Standing up in a rush, I toss what’s left of my food in the trash and walk toward the VIP section. There’s a man in black with security written across his shirt. I show him my backstage pass and he points to the correct door.

I’m not normally a nervous guy, but right now, the nerves are there. I’m about to see Theo again. And he actually wants to see me. How is this real?

I walk down a long hallway before coming to another security door. I show them my badge and they let me through without question. Suddenly, I’m behind the stage, music blaring from the opening band.

It’s a little chaotic, and I feel like a fool asking the nearby person in black where Theo Virgil is. But he hardly gives me a second look before pointing toward a banged-up black door. I press it open hesitantly and find another hallway. This one is quieter.

There are doors on either side, so I stroll down slowly.

Just then, a head pops out of one of the doors. Theo is wearing that adorable, dimpled smile when he sees me. There’s no hat on his head, so his dark-brown curls hang over his forehead until he brushes them back.

“You’re here,” he says excitedly.

Forcing myself to look and feel confident, I stride toward him and hold out a hand. “All thanks to you.”

He takes my hand, and the moment our palms touch and our eyes meet, it’s like fireworks.

I deserve this , I tell myself. A little indulgence won’t hurt anyone.

“Come in,” he says, tugging me toward the room. I notice the way his gaze dances from my eyes to my lips and down to my throat.

The room is small, like a greenroom with couches and a fridge with drinks. No one else is in here, so as soon as the door closes, we’re alone. My skin pricks with nervous energy.

At this point, I’m just terrified of reading the situation wrong. What if I’ve conjured all of this up, and Theo isn’t into me? What if he’s straight—or worse? A homophobe who gets the wrong idea about me. What if this ends badly?

I won’t make the first move. I’ll just follow his lead.

“You want a drink?” he asks, heading straight for the fridge. “We don’t have much in here, but we’ve got beer.”

“Beer is perfect,” I reply, watching him walk away and letting my eyes trail over his ass in those tight jeans.

After pulling out two longneck bottles, he hands one to me. I flip the top and keep my gaze on him as I take a swig.

“So your work doesn’t mind you taking so much time off?” he asks.

As he leans against the counter next to the fridge, I step closer so there is only a couple of feet between us.

“I’m sort of the boss,” I reply.

“Oh, nice,” he says. Then there’s silence between us again.

I can’t take my eyes off him. He has such a glow to him, like the sun itself is in the room I’m standing in. And just like the sun, his gravitational pull draws me closer.

But I don’t move. I won’t risk it. Instead, I stare at his blue eyes, his full lips, and the scruff of hair on his face.

“So…forgive me for asking this,” he says, grinning with the bottle near his lips. “But how old are you?”

“Forty,” I reply with a wince. I’ve never looked it up. But I’m willing to bet that Theo is still in his twenties, which means I might be too old for him, as a friend, even.

Instead of grimacing at my answer, he nods. “I’m twenty-eight.”

“And you still want to hang out with an old guy like me?”

He rolls his eyes with a smirk. “You are not an old guy.”

“I feel like it sometimes.”

He takes another drink. “So, no spouse? No kids?”

“Nope. Just never really happened for me. Never found the right person,” I reply vaguely. It’s true. Although, deep down, I knew I was never getting married. I’d never find the right person.

“And what does the right person look like?” he asks, and my heart starts to hammer wildly in my chest.

“Sorry,” he stammers while glancing downward. “That was too personal. I’m not really much into dating either.” Then his gaze lifts until we’re staring at each other. “It’s hard to do for guys like us.”

“Like us,” I reply, not exactly in the form of a question.

“Yeah, guys who…work too much. You clearly own a nonprofit, and I’m on tour.”

Nodding along, I stare into his eyes, noticing the way he dances around the topic we both are so desperate to bring up. He’s thinking the same thing I am. We’re both afraid of reading the situation wrong and won’t make the first move.

“I’m not here to talk about work,” I say with a casual smirk on my face.

“Then why are you here?” he murmurs without looking into my eyes. There’s a hint of fear in his voice, and it makes me step a little closer.

For a brief moment, I see Theo Virgil for what he is—a man. A young man with fears and feelings and loneliness like the rest of us.

I’d like to wrap him up in my arms and make all of that go away.

“To see you,” I say softly. Maybe too softly. My voice is nothing more than a raspy whisper, and it’s definitely not something two friends would say to each other. That much is true.

Theo looks at me with expectation. So, I take another step forward.

“My new friend,” I add.

Reaching toward him, I place my beer on the counter behind him, but it brings our bodies closer. So close I can feel his breath on my cheek. So close I can smell his cologne and feel the heat radiating from his body.

Theo isn’t the first man I’ve lusted after and he won’t be the first man I’ve slept with if it gets to that point. I have my secrets and my ways of hooking up and keeping it discreet. I keep my secrets buried so deep no one would ever know the truth. But Theo is the first man I’ve ever wanted this badly.

Our eyes bore into one another’s. “Friend,” he replies in a daze.

I wait for the moment when our lips will brush, wondering if we’re moving too fast. If I kiss him now, will we have sex later? Will that be all? Just a dirty one-night stand, and then he’ll move on to the next guy on his tour?

So what if he is? It’s not like I could ever be in a committed relationship with a man. Not for a multitude of reasons.

Our lips are nearly touching when someone bangs loudly on the door. Theo and I pull apart quickly. He clears his throat as he answers the knock.

“What?” There’s frustration in his voice.

“Fifteen-minute warning,” the person calls.

“Shit,” he mutters to himself. “That hour went by too fast.”

“I should let you get out there,” I stammer. “And I’ll go to my seat.”

He picks up his brown, weathered cowboy hat from the back of a chair. “You could always watch from the wings,” he says. “See it from a different point of view.”

“Really? I wouldn’t be in the way?” I ask.

“Fuck no.”

As he heads toward the door, I grab his arm to stop him. As he looks into my eyes, waiting to hear what I have to say, I briefly consider asking him what the hell we’re doing.

“Have a good show,” I say instead.

He smirks, looking so fucking cute it nearly takes my breath away. “I will.”

Then he rushes out the door. I follow behind him as he meets up with his band and crew. Sticking to the wall and out of the way, I watch as he gives them all a pep talk before the show. It’s inspiring and I find myself attracted to how talented of a speaker he is.

“I’ll tell you guys the same thing I tell you every night. We’re here for the music.”

They cheer.

“We’re here for the fans.”

They cheer again.

“And we’re here to have a good fucking time!”

His band starts howling and clapping as he builds the energy among them. Finally, he puts his hand in the middle, and they all follow suit.

“I love you guys,” he calls before they echo his words back to him. I can’t help but grin as I watch. After splitting away from the band, he finds me again, winking across the dark space. Then he takes his place behind the back of the stage, where I know it will eventually split, and he will enter when the music crescendos.

I find a place in the wings where there aren’t people moving and working. Crossing my arms over my chest, I watch the band take their places. The crowd starts to cheer at the sight of them. The music blares through the speakers, and I watch in amazement as he eventually enters.

He commands the crowd as he plays his guitar, and the crowd is so loud it’s deafening. I can’t help but think about the fact that he’s obviously hiding this major secret from them. Is it something he’s proud of or ashamed of? Will he ever truly come out, or is he content with telling no one about his sexuality? Not that he owes it to anyone.

Does it fucking matter? Anyone could see just how happy he is.

More than once during his show, he takes a peek at me, and our eyes meet.

Suddenly, it’s like the ride I’ve been on this whole time has just picked up speed. I’m still not in the pilot’s seat and I have no control. At some point, this thing is going to crash. But until then, I’m going to enjoy the ride.