Page 7

Six

Jensen

I can’t believe I’m standing at a bar with Theo Virgil. I can’t believe he’s real and talking to me.

I can’t believe he’s even cuter in person than he is onstage and in pictures. His smile is adorable, creating little creases in his cheeks when he smiles. His entire face lights up and it’s impossible to look away.

No matter how much I train my behavior not to flirt with him, I can’t seem to help it. I lean in too much. Stare at his pouty lips too much. Laugh too hard at his jokes.

Gabby is at my side like a harsh reminder that I’m supposed to be here with her. But Theo Virgil takes up the entire room. His mere existence drowns out every voice in here. He is the only person I see.

And the more tequila I drink, the more I let my guard down. Those voices in my head that usually pop up with the mantras I learned decades ago are too quiet tonight.

Change is possible. With God, all things are possible.

It doesn’t quite resonate when it feels like God himself is standing right in front of me.

“So, what do you do for a living, Jensen?” he asks with one elbow on the bar.

Instead of his usual worn-out cowboy hat, he has a baseball cap on flipped backward. His dark-brown curls peek out of the back with still-wet tips like he recently got out of the shower.

At his question, I hesitate. I consider telling the truth, but for some reason, I don’t want him to know I’m a preacher.

Don’t lie to yourself. You know exactly why you don’t want him to know.

“I, uh, work for a nonprofit.” It’s close enough to the truth.

“A benevolent man,” he says before his tongue slips out and wets his bottom lip. A spark of arousal travels down my spine, and I reach into my pocket to pinch the flesh of my hip to stop it.

It doesn’t work.

He includes Gabby in on the question, and she answers, talking about her work at the library, but I’m not listening. There is too much going on inside me.

“You said you two were just friends. I take it neither of you are married then?” he asks, again just looking at me.

I shake my head with a smirk on my lips. “Nope. Not married.”

His gaze breezes down to my lips and back up to my eyes. Am I imagining things? Did Theo Virgil just check me out?

Is he…

It doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t.

By the time we order our third drink, Gabby is growing restless beside me. I’m no fool. I know she had hopes for this trip, and maybe I led her on. Only a few days ago, I was supposed to want that, too. I was supposed to have hope of something happening, too.

As of right now, I can’t grasp that hope. It’s slipping through my fingers, and I can’t remember why I wanted it in the first place.

Theo talks for a while about his tour and traveling with the band and what it meant for him to hit it big, and I soak up every word. I could stand here for years and listen to him talk, and it’s not just because he’s a celebrity and my favorite singer.

It’s just his energy. I’m addicted to it. It seeps into my bloodstream like a drug, and I just want more.

“We should get going,” a black-haired woman says as she taps Theo’s arm. “The bus takes off in a few hours.”

It takes me a moment to recognize her as the bassist in his band.

Theo looks disappointed before giving her an obedient nod. “You’re right.”

Then he looks at me, and I realize he’s about to leave. Instantly, imagining him walking away from me tugs painfully on my heart. I’ve never felt that way about anyone, but I don’t want this night to end.

“Hey, this was fun,” he says, looking at me. “Why don’t we exchange numbers? You know…to catch up back in Austin.”

My heart picks up in my chest. Swap numbers with a man? Alarms are going off in my head, and I know this is not what I should be doing, but he’s Theo fucking Virgil. It’s not like he’s hitting on me. He just wants someone to hang out with.

Beside me, Gabby clears her throat, but I ignore her.

“Definitely,” I say, pulling my phone from my back pocket. As I hand it to him, I can practically hear my pulse throbbing. I watch as he pulls open a new text message and types his number out before texting a small message.

“There, I texted myself, so I have yours too.”

He hands it back to me, and our fingers brush. A phantom tingle echoes on my skin long after the contact is made.

Then he says his goodbyes to each of us before being dragged out by the bassist. Once Gabby and I are alone, I still feel like I’m reeling. Turning toward her, I notice that she has less excitement on her face. She seems almost annoyed.

“Can you believe that just happened?” I ask as I guide her toward the door.

“He was very nice,” she says with less enthusiasm.

“So down-to-earth. That was amazing.”

“He really seemed to like you,” she says under her breath, but I ignore it. Maybe she’s just jealous that Theo preferred to talk to me more.

We catch a taxi in front of the theater and ride to the hotel in silence. I’m still in shock that that happened, replaying everything we said over and over in my head.

It takes me by surprise when Gabby leans on me in the back seat. Her shoulder is pressed to my arm and her knuckles skate delicately over mine. I tense immediately as everything inside me turns to stone.

Now it’s time to pay the piper, I guess. I had my fun with Theo, but now I have to put my energy and attention where it belongs. Where it should be.

I rub her knuckles back to show that I acknowledge her. She intertwines our fingers and gazes up at me with something warm and excited in her eyes.

Then, the distance between us starts to close, and I brace myself. If I try hard enough, I could enjoy this.

As her lips brush mine, I imagine Theo’s pouty lips. I remember the way his tongue darted out to wet them. When I softly run my tongue into her mouth, I picture his.

There’s a quiet rumble in my chest as I kiss her deeper. There’s even a stirring of heat in my pants. But when I touch her jaw and it’s soft skin instead of rough stubble, the heat extinguishes.

I pull away and drop my hand. Her eyes are dilated with arousal as she gazes up at me.

We’re about to share a hotel room for the evening, and I hate myself for dreading it. When we reach the hotel, I keep her hand in mine as we make our way up the elevator. The entire time I’m debating on what I’ll do.

I could tell Gabby that it’s too soon to be intimate. As a pastor, it’s wrong of me to be with a woman I’m not married to. I could tell her that I think we should just be friends. I could suck it up and take her to bed anyway.

When I press the key card against the lock, it opens with a beep. Once inside, I still haven’t decided on my next move, but Gabby hasn’t released my hand yet either.

She tugs gently on it, and I pull her into my arms. “I have a secret,” she says.

“What’s that?”

“I didn’t come here to see Theo Virgil. I came here to spend time with you.”

“Oh,” I reply in a deep tone. “That’s nice.”

Damn, I’m so bad at this.

“I wanted to spend time with you too,” I say, but even I hear how unconvincing it is.

She giggles before tugging me down toward her. “Just kiss me again, please.”

With a deep breath, I do. Her lips are too soft. Her skin is too soft. Her kiss is too soft.

After the kiss ends, she breathes a sigh and relaxes against my chest. “I know you’re not the kind of man to take a woman to bed on the first date, but I was thinking we could at least share the bed tonight. We don’t have to do anything.”

Everything she’s saying grates on my nerves. I’m forty fucking years old. I don’t need to share a bed with another adult like a teenager. I need another consenting adult to fuck. And I don’t like being patronized.

Taking her chin in my hands, I force her gaze up to my face. “I’m not the man you think I am, Gabby.”

Her eyes go wide. Then I take her mouth in a punishing kiss, and she lets out a yelp as she clings to my neck to keep from falling over.

I know I’m not supposed to, but I picture Theo anyway. His lips, his mouth, his body. With my hands gliding down her back, I hook a hand under her ass and lift her up so her legs wrap around my waist.

Carrying her to the bed, I toss her on the mattress and rip my shirt over my head. She’s smiling as she reaches for me.

“I knew I was wrong about you. I knew everyone was wrong about you.”

There’s a giggle in her tone that makes me pause. Hovering over her, I stare into her eyes.

“How were they wrong?”

Her smile fades as she lifts onto her elbows. “Well, you know…”

Ice shivers its way down my spine. Fuck .

The problem is that I do know. Fucking everyone knows—unofficially, of course. It doesn’t mean I like to be reminded about it right before I’m about to have sex with a beautiful woman.

When she sees my expression change, I sense her panic. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I thought…”

“It’s fine,” I say as I climb off her and pace away from the bed.

“I didn’t want to push you into doing anything if you didn’t want to. But my parents told me about how you were a part of that Harmony-whatever program. I just thought…”

“It’s fine, Gabby,” I say coldly. “I was only a kid. That was a long time ago,” I add with annoyance.

“I shouldn’t have brought it up,” she replies sadly.

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

I want to feel bad, but I’m so fucking sick of this. My participation with Eternal Harmony was over fifteen years ago, but it keeps popping back up in my life. When do I get to move on? When do I get to live this life they were so insistent that I live?

I drop onto the other bed and run my hands through my hair. Her eyes still bore into me and I can feel it burning.

By the time she opens her mouth to ask a question, I’m not surprised because I can feel it coming.

“So does that mean you’re not…”

“No, I’m not.”

“It’s okay if you are.”

No, it’s really not.

“Let’s just get to sleep. It’s late,” I say as I drop back onto the pillow. I’m so tired and ready to put an end to this day. I’ll sleep in my clothes if I have to.

“We can still do it if you want,” she murmurs sadly, and I close my eyes to keep from wincing.

Maybe I should. If I had any good sense, I would take this beautiful woman to bed and fuck her like any normal straight man would.

But I don’t.

Because I’m not.