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Nineteen

Isaac

W hy did no one tell me relationships could be so good? I’ve been avoiding them my entire life, but I had no idea it would be like this.

Jensen has come over nearly every day this week. We’ve had more sex than I’ve ever had in my life. And he makes me so fucking happy. His touch is my addiction.

And if that wasn’t good enough, the songs have been pouring out of me. I hear music differently now. Every kiss is a melody. Every orgasm, the lyrics.

I only have five days until I’m back on the road, and as excited as I am to be onstage again, I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.

Call me a fool, but I think I’m falling in love with Jensen Miles.

I’m having dinner with my brother tonight, and I’m still waiting to hear back from Jensen on if he’ll come or not. Secretly, I’m praying he does. I want to show him off. I’d like my family to see just how good I’m doing, even if it is just Lucas, who has been there for me since I was seventeen. It’s a soft launch of our relationship, but I can tell Jensen is nervous about it.

Behind closed doors, he’s the world’s best boyfriend. Doting, affectionate, possessive. But he’s nowhere near ready to be public, which, obviously, neither am I. At this stage of my career, it’s not the time to make any major announcements, or I’ll risk losing the fan base I’m building.

But Jensen seems even less enthusiastic about being seen together. Even if it’s just my family who would never out us or judge us. He clearly struggles with that idea. And I wish I understood why.

I get that he has a reputation in this community. Trust me, no one understands that more than me.

But I’m afraid there’s more under the surface I don’t know about. Some deeper reasoning as to why Jensen won’t ever come out. And if that’s the case, and a public relationship is never in the cards for us, then what kind of future do we have?

I know I said we could just be friends who fuck, but every day I sense myself changing. Maybe that’s not what I want in the long run. Maybe I do want a committed public relationship.

I’ll be patient. I have to be—for him and for me.

Coming down the stairs from my room, I turn the corner and find Jensen leaning against my kitchen counter in nothing but a pair of jeans and a mug in his hand.

Goddamn.

“I could get used to this,” I say as I pour myself a cup of coffee. “You in my house looking like that.”

He smirks up at me. He hasn’t shaved a lot this week, and I like the look of his beard growing in. Stepping up to him, I run my fingers through it.

“This is nice.”

“I need to shave,” he says, scratching his fingers down the column of his throat.

“No, leave it. It’s sexy.”

He smiles again before taking a sip. “So, I’ve decided.”

“Decided…”

“I want to go with you tonight.”

The calmness in his tone makes me smile. “Really?”

“Yes. As long as you’re sure our secret is safe with your brother.”

I tilt my head. “It is, I promise.”

“And we’re just going to his place?”

“Yep,” I reply. “Just us.”

He sets down his coffee and approaches me, pinning me against the counter. “You’re ready for this? To meet family? To be…official.”

“Are we…official?” I ask with a crooked smile.

He kisses my lips before leaning back to stare into my eyes. “I hope so.”

“So that makes you my boyfriend, and you’re okay with that?” I ask.

Taking my chin between his fingers, he holds me in the way I’ve come to realize is him being serious. He wants me to pay attention and take his words to heart. I love it when he talks to me like this.

“You are mine, and I am yours. We were official the moment I laid eyes on you that night in Phoenix.”

I’m doing my best not to grin like a fool, but he says stuff like that, and my restraint goes out the window. It makes my heart beat so hard I nearly pass out. I have no response. I just let him kiss me.

I drive Jensen’s car to dinner since I know the way. He sits by my side, looking handsome beyond belief, with his dark waves combed to the side. I have on a casual button-down and a pair of dark jeans.

When we pull up to the house, he picks up the bottle of wine from the back seat and opens the car door. We walk up to the front of the house, and my hands itch to hold his, but Lucas lives in a suburban neighborhood with meddling, nosy people around. It’s bad enough being a celebrity. Privacy is almost nonexistent.

“Ready?” he asks with a smirk as I raise my hand to knock on the door.

I glance around to be sure we’re hidden from view before I lean in and kiss him on the cheek.

Fuck, I am disgustingly lovesick.

Then, I rap on the door, and only two milliseconds later, it opens. My brother’s girlfriend, Sadie, begins shrieking with excitement at the sight of me and nearly bowls me over with a fierce hug. Naturally, I shriek in return, hugging her back and spinning her around like I haven’t seen her in twelve years instead of two months.

“Oh my god, I missed you so much,” she cries before taking my face in her hands and planting a kiss right on my cheek.

“I missed you too.”

At that moment, Sadie notices Jensen standing there. She pulls away from me and grins sweetly up at him. “Hi, I’m Sadie,” she says before pulling him in for a hug.

He laughs. “Nice to meet you, Sadie. I’m Jensen.”

“Oh my god, you’re so handsome,” she says, and I nudge her side.

“Sadie.”

She blushes with a shrug. Then whispers to me, “Okay, we’ll talk later.”

I place a hand over my face as she welcomes us into their house. Spotting Henry in his little bouncy plaything, I grin wildly. His hair has grown in so much since I saw him last. He’s holding himself upright and jumping on his tiptoes, both things he certainly wasn’t doing the last time I saw him.

“Henry!” I say as I rush over to him. He’s beaming and giggling, and I can’t get over how cute he is.

“Isn’t he getting big?” Sadie asks. “He’s almost walking.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, he gets into everything. It’s exhausting.”

“I bet,” I reply.

Jensen is hovering behind me, being more quiet than normal. I nearly forgot how nervous he was for tonight. So I step back to be next to him, hoping my presence offers him some comfort.

He forces a smile, and I start to worry a little. Did I push him into this too fast?

“Where’s Luke?” I ask, but just then, my brother appears from the kitchen. He’s wiping his hands on a towel as his eyes find mine. We both smile before meeting each other halfway across the living room for a hug.

“How’s the tour been?” he asks.

“Amazing. You’ll come to the Austin show, right? It’ll be the last one on the tour.”

He rolls his eyes. “Of course we will.”

For some reason, I almost tell Lucas right in this moment that I’m thinking about coming home to the whole family. I don’t, of course, but it’s right at the front of my mind. He’ll be hesitant and protective about it, but he’ll support me either way.

Remembering Jensen is behind me, I turn back to see him standing in my brother’s living room with an expression of terror on his face.

Damn, he really is nervous, isn’t he?

I return to his side. “Lucas, this is Jensen. Jensen, this is Lucas.”

“You,” my brother mutters, making my brow furrow.

“Lucas…Goode,” Jensen mumbles.

“What’s going on?” I stammer.

“You two know each other?” Sadie asks.

Then, Jensen turns toward me, scrutinizing my face as if it’s the first time he’s seen it. “Isaac…Goode.”

Admittedly, I never mentioned my last name to Jensen for obvious reasons. I didn’t need my father’s transgressions to alter his opinion of me. Although, I never expected it would bother him this much.

“What’s happening?” Lucas asks. “I’m so confused.”

“I should go,” Jensen snaps, turning away.

“What the fuck?” I grab his arm, but he only mumbles an apology as he tears it from my grip and heads to the door. “Jensen, wait. Tell me what’s going on. How do you two know each other?”

“This is the guy you’re dating?” Luke asks in astonishment.

I turn to him with aggression on my face. How dare he say that? How dare he…do whatever the hell he’s doing right now?

“Someone please fucking explain to me what’s going on,” I bark loudly. Baby Henry’s lip trembles as he stares up at me, and Sadie quickly scoops him up to comfort him. I hate this, and I don’t even know what this is.

“He’s Dad’s replacement, Isaac,” Luke shouts. Jensen is standing frozen near the door. “He’s the new preacher at Redemption Point. He’s been hounding me and Adam to come back to the church, but now, apparently, he’s trying to recruit you too.”

“That’s not what this is,” Jensen growls in anger.

“Lucas, stop,” Sadie mutters.

“I didn’t know. Obviously, I didn’t know he was…” Jensen argues, meeting Luke’s gaze. There is so much animosity between them I want to scream. My mind can’t seem to comprehend what the hell is happening.

Jensen looks at me with an expression of sorrow and regret. “I knew this was a bad idea. I think I should just go.” With that, he opens the front door and walks out toward his car.

My chest starts heaving. “No.” In a panic, I rush after him and stop him. “Jensen, please.”

With a wince, he puts a hand up. “Isaac, you should be mad. Dammit, be mad .”

“Why? Because you…”

“Because I’m a liar and a fraud, and I can never be with you the way you deserve.”

“I don’t understand. You think I care that you preach at the same church my dad did? Why the fuck would I care?”

He throws his head back. “Because you should hate him! And I am just fucking like him, Isaac. Don’t you see that? Every Sunday, I stand where that man stood, and I preach the same gospel he did. And do you know what’s woven into that gospel, Isaac? Lies. Lies about people like us. The only difference is that I’m so fucked in the head, I believe them.”

“Stop it,” I say, my throat starting to ache with emotion.

“It’s true, Isaac. Do you honestly think someday I’ll be able to come out? Do you really think I can give you the life you deserve?”

“I can’t come out either,” I argue.

“Yes, Isaac. You can. People will love you regardless, but I’ve done bad things, Isaac. I am a preacher. I can’t be gay.”

“You’re not making any sense,” I whisper with tears in my eyes. “I don’t understand.”

He touches the handle of the car door with his head down. Then, he sadly mumbles, “I hope you never do. They ruined me, Isaac. I’m so sorry.”

With that, he climbs in and doesn’t look back at me even once. He just leaves me standing there alone. The comfort and safety I felt with Jensen are just gone. I don’t know how long I stand there, watching the road after he’s driven away.

Eventually, I hear a low voice behind me whisper, “I’m sorry, Isaac.”

I don’t respond. I just let everything build and build and build. Then, when I think I can’t take it anymore, I shove it all deep, deep down.

Turning around to face my brother, I blink the tears from my eyes. I don’t know how much of that he heard, but I just pretend he didn’t hear any of it.

“I sure know how to pick ’em,” I joke.

“Isaac,” Luke says with a scolding tone.

“No, seriously.” I laugh. “You could make a joke out of all the guys I’ve dated. A bartender, a dancer, and a preacher walk into a bar…”

“Isaac, stop.”

“Then they all fuck me over and leave. That’s the punch line.”

No matter how much I try to laugh it off, Lucas doesn’t even crack a smile. He closes the distance between us and wraps his arms around my neck, pulling me in for a tight hug.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.”

“It’s…” My voice trails because if I speak another word, I’ll crack and lose it. Instead, I let my big brother console me. It’s nice, but he’s not Jensen. Nothing compares to him.