Page 69

Crew

L ast night before falling asleep, I kept thinking about how grateful I was to have another conference championship under my belt, earned alongside my best friends. And my very last thought before passing out entirely? How lucky I was to have Kota lying beside me, snuggled up against me like I was the most comfortable pillow she’d ever laid on.

But I woke up to Kota tossing and turning, and after catching a glimpse of her face, it looked like she hadn’t slept much.

I slept like a fucking rock.

I rubbed her back when she was facing away from me, and when she shifted again, giving a small, exhausted grumble, I rubbed her stomach. Maybe she had cramps or something?

The possibility reminded me of last night, and honestly, period sex wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t as messy as I thought it would be. Would I have ever done it with a random girl I hooked up with? Definitely fucking not. But Kota was different. She wasn’t just some random girl; she was the girl. The only girl.

I didn’t have eyes for anyone else, and I’d never been so submersed in anyone’s world like this. It was a new feeling, at times, a scary feeling because it was so unknown, but it was also one of the best feelings.

“Hey,” I finally whispered, my thumb running across the bare skin above her belly button.

All she did was sigh with her eyes closed.

“You okay?”

“Mhm.”

I’m gonna take that as a no.

“What’s wrong?”

Her eyes popped open, small bags sitting beneath them. “What are we doing?”

I blinked at her, a little confused by the lack of clarity in her question. “We’re... laying down?”

“No,” she sighed again, sitting up. “Like what’s going on between us? Because we still haven’t talked about it and you’re leaving soon and if this isn’t going anywhere, then we should just end it now, because—”

“Kota,” I stopped her, sudden adrenaline spinning through my veins from the exasperation eased into her words. I sat up beside her. “Don’t talk about ending it. That scares me,” I admitted before I could stop myself.

“Well, I’m scared.” We wallowed in silence for a moment until she spoke again, keeping her head down. “I just know how you feel about relationships and I’m not sure I can keep going on like this unless I know where it’s heading.”

She was trying to be firm, to keep her voice steady, but I could hear the fear and restlessness that had been keeping her awake all night, causing her words to shake.

Stuttering, I inched closer to her, “I... I’m not saying no, or that it will never happen. I just... I just need a little bit more time.”

I knew how I felt about her, and I knew I wanted her to stay in my life. But my upbringing molded me into being afraid of anything and everything that resembled love and commitment, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to push myself past that fear.

Kota’s head snapped up, a sudden sharpness entering her tone. “How much time?”

“I—I don’t know,” I admitted.

“Because you’re leaving soon,” she pointed out, jumping off the bed like she no longer wanted to be near me. That glowing aura of hers that I’d gotten used to as we drew closer was rusting like metal submerged in a flood, and suddenly, I was revolted by myself. “We act like a couple, yet we’re not one. This is all starting to feel like déjà vu after everything that happened with Bobby. We’ve been doing this weird, in-between thing for months now, and if you can’t commit to me by now, then I’m not sure if you’re ever gonna.”

I knew this conversation was bound to happen, but I hadn’t been expecting it to hurt , and I wasn’t sure why it was. Maybe because I could feel her pulling away from me? Rebuilding the stone wall that used to sit between us?

I wanted to give her what she wanted, to say the words she was longing to hear. But they were jammed in my throat, and all I could do was stare at her with my lungs shaking, mouth hung open, heartbeat dangerously slow like it was about to halt altogether.

The huff she let out was tainted with emotion, and with crossed arms, she walked out of my room, leaving me sitting there trying to unravel the clusterfuck in my head.

It couldn’t have been longer than two minutes before I heard the front door open and close, and I sprang out of bed, not bothering to put clothes on before I was running down the hall in my boxers, only to find her room empty.

Fuck.

Charging out of the apartment, I could hear the elevator door close. I beelined for the stairs, taking two at a time and praying I didn’t trip and tumble down them.

I’d never chased after a girl before.

Until now.

Kota was walking to her car, a small bag slung over her shoulder, chin tipped up like she was forcing herself to keep it there.

She was walking away from me. From us.

“Kota! Where are you going?”

Her breath hitched as she swung around, not expecting me to have followed her out here. Her eyes skimmed over my bare skin and boxers, but she didn’t comment on it.

“Where are you going?” I repeated when she didn’t answer as fast as I needed her to.

“My mom’s.”

“Why?”

With a lengthy exhale, she gripped the strap of her bag as if it would give her some stability. “I don’t feel like being at the apartment right now.”

She didn’t wait to give me a chance to respond before she was approaching her car and I ran over, ready to sacrifice everything I thought I wanted, and ready to fight for everything I thought I didn’t want. “Kota, stop ! Please don’t go.”

“Why not?” she seethed, full of vitriol. But it was the haunting pain in her eyes that scraped into my heart.

“Because I’ll lose my fucking mind if I have to watch you drive away. I want you to stay,” I said firmly.

“That’s not a good enough reason.”

The pressure in my chest was complicating my lungs, forcing my words to come out breathlessly. My shoulders weighed down, heavy, but refusing to stop fighting. “Because watching you walk away made me realize that I don’t like watching you walk away. I need you to stay.”

I kept my eyes on hers, hoping that she’d see the misery shining through mine and give in. This was feeling like my personal doomsday, and I hadn’t been expecting it when I opened my eyes just thirty minutes ago, but it felt like I was fighting for my life now. She held my heart in her hands, and if she drove off right now, there would be nothing left to keep me alive.

Kota’s teeth dug into her bottom lip, and she shivered, looking like she was doing her damn best not to show me how broken she was feeling. “That’s still not good enough.”

The beep of her car unlocking sent me past panic mode. Hands finding the back of my head, I buried them into my hair, jaw tightening, mind reeling. She reached for her door handle, and the next thing I knew, I was screaming. “Because I love you!”

Kota froze with eerie stillness, soaking in my words until she finally turned in slow motion, her voice barely audible. “What?”

Shyly, I stared at my bare feet, kicking small pebbles away. “I’m not saying it again,” I mumbled, suddenly embarrassed.

Her bag slid off her shoulder, meeting the ground. “You love me? Do you mean it?”

“Yeah, I—I think so.”

“You think so?”

“I—I’ve never been in love before. I’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to feel like but I’m pretty confident that it’s supposed to feel the way I feel about you.” The skepticism she’d been hiding behind faded away. Tipping her head, she melted, and I felt like it was safe for me to take a step closer. I motioned to our building, “Fuck everything I said inside. I want you. Every little bit of you. Even the part of you that’s a pain in the ass sometimes. And if being in a relationship is what you want and need, then you’ve got it.” She just stared at me in awe, and if I had one fucking wish right now, it would be for the ability to read her damn mind. “I’ll do anything,” I added desperately. “Stay. And I’m all yours.”

Her tears were about to roll over, and I feared that I’d failed. “Only if you say it again,” she rasped.

“Stay?”

Kota shook her head, and I realized what she meant.

The first time I’d said it, she was facing the other way, but now, her gaze was fixed on me, waiting. I should’ve felt more pressure, more terror, more of every bad emotion that I’d just managed to rummage through since stepping outside.

But I didn’t feel anything besides calmness.

“I love you,” I said, the words unwavering.

She smiled wide and let out a strange, high-pitched shriek, hopping back and forth on her feet like the ground was on fire. I caught her as she dove into me, squeezing her arms around the back of my neck and sighing against my skin. “I love you too.”

This might’ve been my new favorite moment.

I held her tight, afraid that she’d vanish in my arms. “Come to Chicago with me,” I let out against her hair.

“What?”

Setting her on her feet, I grabbed both her hands. “I want you to come to Chicago with me.”

The only answer I wanted was yes, but I was expecting some sort of stumble, for her to outright say no or tell me she would have to think about it. But with the most beautiful, tiny smile, she nodded. “Okay.”

“Yeah?” I beamed.

“Yeah.”

And I kissed the fucking hell out of her.