Page 63

Kota

B ridget looked lost, standing in the middle of my room like it was her first time ever walking into it.

I sat against the headboard of my bed, unprepared and uncomfortable.

Didn’t think we’d be doing this today. Definitely wasn’t on my daily to-do list.

I’d considered telling Bridget what was going on a handful of times over the last few months, but every time, I bit it back.

There were too many facets of the truth that I hadn’t fully grasped or accepted, if I was being honest.

First and foremost, how the hell could I have fallen for someone who symbolized qualities that I hated so much? Sure, Crew had softened and opened up, so I knew a different side of him now, but at first glance, he was still that cocky, playboy hockey player that I met back in August.

Second, we still weren’t official. I was embarrassed enough expressing the situation to my mom; I didn’t want to feel the wave of all those emotions by expressing it to Bridget too. After what I went through with Bobby and now where I was at with Crew, I’d almost been feeling like I couldn’t get a guy to commit to me?

When Bridget sat at the edge of my bed, I wanted to look at her, but I was finding it difficult to. So, I stared at my purple comforter instead. I nearly just spit out the truth to get it over with, but like a coward, I zoned in on her side of the story first. “Why didn’t you tell me, B?”

“Why didn’t you tell me ?”

My throat burned as the words reluctantly rolled out. “Because I was embarrassed.”

The slight snappiness that she’d just had dulled, and she became the soft-spoken, sweet Bridget that I knew. “Why would you be embarrassed?”

Shaking through a sigh, I squeezed my eyes shut. “Because Crew encompasses everything in a man that I hate. Everything I promised myself I would never go for.” I sighed, my voice dropping to a whisper, “Yet here I am.”

From the second she entered the room, it felt like we were strangers given the space between us, both physically and emotionally. But finally, she scooted closer to me, brows pulled in with sympathy. “Kota, you don’t need to beat yourself up over hooking up with someone.”

Oh no. She still hasn’t fully gotten it. I must not have been clear enough.

My mouth formed a tight line, and I had to force myself to say the words. “Well, it’s a little bit more than that.”

“Oh.”

“We aren’t together, but we’ve talked about that being a future possibility.”

“Oh.”

I shrugged, focusing far too hard on keeping my face as expressionless as possible. Even though B was my best friend in the entire universe, I still didn’t have it in me to be candid about my feelings, with her or with anyone. I was used to bottling it up and choking it down, burying it so deep until it disappeared altogether.

Acknowledging my feelings was hard enough for me to do internally. It was a whole different ball game to do it aloud.

B’s voice came out softer than velvet, but there was a rigid layer behind the words that forced me to pay close attention. “Kota, you don’t have to keep acting like you’re invincible. It’s okay to talk about your feelings, or to have feelings for that matter.” She gestured around, “I’m the only one in the room anyway.”

My nails dug harshly into my palms, leaving me surprised that I didn’t draw blood. Bringing my guard down just enough to be honest, I spoke unsteadily, “I guess I was just in denial that...”

“That you have feelings for him?” she finished for me, and instinctively, I shot her a glare. “It’s okay to admit it.”

A raspy sigh came out, and I stared at the ceiling. “Okay, yes. No matter how much I hate it and loathe myself for it, I do have feelings for him.”

“It’s alright that you do. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I figured you’d find out eventually,” I sighed again. “I just thought it would be from me.”

“Trust me, it was from you,” she choked on her own laughter.

I somehow cringed and laughed at the same time, then playfully nudged her in the shoulder. “Shut up!”

Once our laughter subsided and the room grew quiet again, Bridget’s vibe shifted right back to the nervousness she embodied when she first walked in.

“Honestly though, I feel kinda bad.”

“Why?”

Her eyes turned solemn and dropped, and she sat there as if she was basking in shame. “Because you just gave me a legitimate reason of why you didn’t tell me, and truthfully, the only reasons I have are that we didn’t want to piss you guys off about breaking the rule and we also became too stubborn to fess up first.”

I soaked in her words, trying to gather my own thoughts. The rule was honestly the last thing on my mind. I never cared much about that dumb rule anyway. It was kind of the most unnecessary rule we’d put in place, but at the time, I didn’t think much of it because I never would’ve guessed that our living arrangement would lead to all this. It was no secret though that Lane and Bridget were the biggest rule followers in history, so I wasn’t surprised they didn’t want to be caught.

In regard to the stubborn comment, I was a little surprised about that one. If I was asked to list the top, most relevant qualities of Lane and Bridget, stubborn wouldn’t have even been in the top hundred, whereas Crew and I were notorious for being stubborn.

Ultimately, I shrugged, rather carelessly at the thought of my two friends sparking up some sort of forbidden romance under our shared roof. “You and Lane being together doesn’t bother me. I always kinda knew you guys had a thing for each other, but you never mentioned it, not even once, so I figured I had to have been wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” was all she said, biting her lower lip.

“So am I. And I’m also sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me.”

B’s strawberry blonde locks bobbed as shook her head lightly, eyes softened and brows slanted. I could feel her guilt circling through the air like campfire smoke and I hoped she didn’t think she was the only one that felt that way. “There were so many times where I wanted to tell you. Really, I did. At first, I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure where things with Lane would go, and I didn’t want everything in the apartment to be thrown off if everyone knew. But as we got a bit deeper into our relationship...” she shrugged, “I still couldn’t do it. And I don’t know why. I know for Lane, he most definitely didn’t want Crew knowing but...” she trailed off.

Not going to lie, it did make me feel better knowing that B’s silence was probably rooted from Lane’s wish to keep Crew in the dark, and that it had less to do with me. I scoffed lightly. “I don’t blame him. Crew’s the biggest hypocrite. He probably would’ve lit the apartment on fire.”

“Exactly,” she chuckled.

I never got mushy, almost ever. There were only a few people in the world that I ever showed true emotion towards, and Bridget was one of them. I’d never had a friend like her before, and I loved her on another level. “And I mean, yeah, it sucks that I got to miss the beginning with all the most exciting parts of you guys getting together, but if you’re happy with him, then I’m happy for you.” Placing my hand gingerly atop hers, I asked, “Are you happy with him, B?”

“I am.”

“That’s what I care about most.”

“Are you happy with Crew?” she asked.

I couldn’t help but let out a snort. “Most of the time.”

She laughed, a true, full, Bridget Bell laugh, and the sound calmed me after the heaviness of this whole conversation— really, of this whole day.

With a hopeful smile, she asked, “So, you forgive me?”

“Of course, I do,” I nodded. “Do you forgive me?”

“Yes,” her smile grew, and she offered her pinky finger. “No more secrets?”

My pinky grabbed onto hers like I was making the most important promise of my life. “No more secrets.”

The next twenty minutes were spent with us spilling all the juicy details of our relationships. I told her everything, every detail between our first hookup to now. I even got questionably graphic and spilled some spicy memories to her, which led her to stare at me silently with her mouth agape, looking slightly disgusted, but she was my best friend, so she ended up high fiving me anyway.

My confession caused her to open up about some of her spicy encounters too, and I was pleasantly surprised— not in a weird way — to hear that Lane insisted she put his jersey on and then fucked her over her bedroom desk.

Regardless of how vulgar this conversation had ended, I somehow felt as light as air, like a weight had been lifted that I hadn’t even realized existed.