Page 15

15

Nash

I step out into the stifling heat and humidity and instinctively look over toward the gardens, but then I turn my attention to the other side of the compound where the mechanics work on the bus. As much as I hope those women are being given water, I can’t focus on that.

You learn very quickly around here that caring too much for anyone will get you nothing but trouble.

As I stand on Micah’s porch and scan the area in front of me for any sign of Lara, my mind drifts back to those first days after I found The Golden Light. I had no idea of what the truth was then. All I knew was when I really listened to Micah talk, I felt like I had finally found home.

My hands shake as the idea of scoring something fills my head, but I promised the people at A Brighter Tomorrow that I’d really try to stay clean this time. I want to. I truly do. It’s just so damn hard.

People begin to file into the tent and sit down on the empty benches that surround me. A pretty girl with blond hair and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen in my life handed me a pamphlet when I walked out of the rehab center this morning, so I figured I’d check this Golden Light thing out.

It sounds like complete bullshit, but then again, thirty days ago I thought rehab was utter crap too. A month later, I feel pretty good, all things considered. I haven’t had any junk in all that time, and it wasn’t too bad. Yeah, I had a few bad days and even worse nights, but I got through it.

That girl said The Golden Light would make me see the world in an entirely different way, and I figure since that’s what rehab did for me, why not listen to some people talk about genuine love? She said that’s the focus of the group, which sounds pretty damn good to me. I mean, who the hell wouldn’t want to experience genuine love?

I’m not holding out a lot of hope for that today, though. I can say this. If they think they’re going to sucker me out of money or anything valuable, they chose the wrong guy. I don’t own a single thing in this world. All I have is my body and my brain, and those aren’t the greatest after all the shit I’ve shot into them.

But I figure I can sit through this meeting, and if it’s garbage, I’ll leave. No harm, no foul. I don’t know what I’ll do after, but I could go for something to eat. I have that coupon the center gave me for a free lunch when they let me go, so I can go to that diner they work with to make sure those of us who finish the program at least get a hot meal on our first day out.

After that, we’re on our own. Oh, there are a bunch of places I can get help if I need it, but I’m hoping my girlfriend will be happy now that I spent the month in rehab, and we can get back to living our life together.

“Have you ever been to one of these things?” someone next to me asks in a low voice.

I turn to my right and see a man I’m guessing is maybe twenty-three or twenty-four. He might be older than me, but then again, lots of people say I look closer to thirty. Abusing your body for years will do that to you. His shoulder-length brown hair looks greasy, like he hasn’t washed it in a while, and his skin looks almost gray the longer I stare at him. He’s about half my size, but I’m bigger than most men, even after all I’ve done to myself.

Shaking my head, I shrug. “No. Some girl told me about this, so I figured I’d see what it’s all about. You?”

He shakes his head so long, greasy strands of hair swing around his face. “Nah, but I figure if there are hot girls here, I might as well give it an hour of my time.”

I smile and wonder if he can see in my expression how much I doubt any girl here, hot or not, would give him the time of day. Maybe if he took a bath and cleaned himself up a little, but then again, some of the people I met in rehab had hot girlfriends and wives and they looked like shit warmed over.

After dismissing him with a nod and a half-hearted smile, I look around and notice most of the people here with us are females. Maybe he’s onto something with his idea. I’m not looking for a hookup or anything like that, though. I’ve got Caressa waiting for me, and once this thing is over and she’s home from her shift at the sandpaper factory, she and I are going to have a reunion for the ages.

I get lost in thinking about how great it’s going to be when she walks in the door and sees me sitting on the couch all clean and ready for her. Thirty days isn’t a long time, but I owe her more than I can ever pay back for being willing to wait for me. She’s a pretty girl with a great smile and a body any red-blooded male would love. She could have anyone she wants, and the fact that she stayed with me after all the shit I’ve done is something I won’t forget. I went through rehab as much for her as for me, and tonight I’m going to show her how much she means to me.

A man’s voice interrupts my silent planning for our reunion, and I look toward the stage at the front of the tent to see a man standing alone with his arms spread out wide. He’s much smaller than I am and wears loose white pants and a pale green linen shirt that practically hangs off him. He reminds me of that hippie guy in rehab who was in charge of the yoga classes they made me attend. I warned him the first day that bendy shit wasn’t easy for someone as big as I am, but he swore I’d love how yoga would make me feel. I didn’t, but it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be.

“Thank you for joining me, my children,” the man on the stage says with a big smile as he tilts his head back to look up at the ceiling of the tent. “I’m Micah, and I’m so happy to welcome you to The Golden Light.”

He runs his fingers through his long, dirty blond hair and lowers his head to look out at us. Something about the way he stares at the people in the front row for a second too long makes me wonder if he’s doing some hypnosis thing. He can try that on me all day. It won’t work. I found that out in rehab too. The lady who tried it said it probably had to do with my being Irish. I’m not sure about that since it’s never done anything good for me before, but maybe she’s right. All I know is she couldn’t get me to go under, no matter what she tried.

“Do you desire to have all you’ve ever dreamed of? Whatever it is, you can have it. You just have to believe.”

Ah, okay. I know what this is. These self-help types all have an angle, and it’s always money. Sorry, man. Your girl picked the wrong guy to give that pamphlet to this morning.

I look over at the guy with the greasy hair and see he’s not paying attention anymore either. He’s got his eye on a girl a few rows ahead of us who’s looking back at someone and smiling. Weird how confident this gross guy is. I wonder where he got that from.

Whatever it is and whatever this guy in green shirt is offering, none of this is for me. Oh, well. I gave it a try. I’ll have to make sure I tell my counselor about that since she stressed how important it is for me to keep an open mind now that I’m clean. She claimed the whole world would be different for me now, but I’m sorry to say I’m still not buying into this woo-woo stuff meant to make a person think they can have anything they want.

We can’t. Reality shows us that every day. A person can’t become a millionaire just by believing they can. If that were the case, the world would be filled with all wealthy people because speaking as someone who’s been poor most of my life, none of us on the lowest level of society want to be there.

I stand up to leave and get only a few steps toward the end of my row before the man on the stage says, “You’re leaving, but I can see greatness in you. Stay and learn what that is.”

Looking around, I see he’s talking to me. Worse, everyone is staring at me since he’s decided to single me out.

When I don’t respond and keep walking, he asks, “What’s your name?”

I stop and sigh, not thrilled with being the focus of attention. Maybe if I tell him my name and that I need to leave, he’ll move on.

“Nash. And I’m not the kind of person for this, but thanks.”

But that doesn’t stop him.

“You don’t want to be happy and have everything you’ve ever wanted in this world, Nash?”

For a few seconds, I don’t answer because nothing I say is going to stop him. I guess I could say I don’t want to be happy and prefer to have nothing I want, but who the hell is going to believe that?

“Of course, I want to be happy. Everyone wants that. I just don’t think this is for me, but thanks.”

I take another step and then a second one before he says, “Nash, I think you’re underestimating yourself. You have such greatness in you, and I’d bet you haven’t even scratched the surface to see it yet. Are you afraid to find out you’re truly someone deserving of love and respect?”

Rolling my eyes, I smile. “No.”

“Then stay and find out what your greatness is. I promise you won’t regret it, Nash.”

Everyone around me starts nodding, and some actually try to encourage me to stay. What is with these people? We’re total strangers. What do they know about my greatness?

I don’t know what this guy’s power is, but it’s not working on me. Let him charm the rest of the audience but leave me alone.

When I get to the end of the row, I look up at him and shake my head. “I’m good. Thanks.”

He frowns, and I swear I see hurt in his eyes. Jesus, dude. You don’t have to put on the show for me. I’m not interested.

As I head toward the open flap on the tent, I hear him say, “What about the rest of you? Are you content to be nothing in this world because society has determined you don’t fit in? Or are you willing to embrace your greatness right now and join us in The Golden Light?”

I glance back and see nearly everyone in the audience nodding enthusiastically. Suckers. Embrace your greatness. Please. What nonsense.

Shaking my head, I try to stop the memories of what happened later that day from flooding my mind, but it’s no use. The pain rushes through my body, settling in the middle of my chest, as I remember trying to open my front door and my key not working. Now I think I was so na?ve, but I never thought she would change the locks on me while I was gone. She promised to wait for me while I was in rehab. I didn’t think the woman I loved would turn her back on me in just thirty days.

I wince as the memory of staring through the window and seeing her sitting on the couch with some guy kissing and holding hands fills my brain. She replaced me and never even bothered to let me know. She could have left me a message I would have gotten when I walked out of rehab so I didn’t make a damn fool of myself going back to an apartment that was no longer mine.

Rage filled me, and like every other time I felt something that hurt, I wanted to turn to drugs. I didn’t give a damn about the fact that I’d succeeded in rehab and gotten off the shit. All I wanted was to get lost in a haze of feeling nothing but good. I didn’t want to experience the pain of losing the only good thing in my life.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle it without shooting up.

After walking toward the old places where I knew I could score something to make me feel better, I couldn’t get that man’s voice out of my head telling me I had greatness in me. Nothing in my life other than making it through rehab pointed toward that being even possible, but those words echoed in my head.

Was he right? Did I have greatness in me? Beneath the stupid choices and the rage, was there something good inside of me?

So I walked back to where the tent was earlier that day, but it was gone. My heart sank. I’d blown my chance to find something better than drugs, and I wasn’t going to make it through the night if I didn’t have them.

I stood in that spot and watched the sun set behind the trees, sure that the next few hours would be my last on earth. I’d find some way to score enough to put me out of my misery once and for all. Fuck Caressa and her new guy. Fuck rehab and all its nice words that meant nothing.

Fuck the world.

And then in the midst of the worst moments of my life, I felt a hand touch my back, and when I turned around, the man from the stage stood in front of me smiling. No one else was nearby, which seemed odd since I had the feeling this guy liked a crowd close at all times.

“I’m glad you came back, Nash. After the meeting, I thought about you all afternoon. Whatever happened before this moment, none of it matters. All that matters is helping you find your greatness, and I know with all my heart that once you find the love you deserve, that greatness inside you will come shining through. Are you ready?”

Every word filled me with a blissfulness I’d chased for so long. All I wanted was to know what this greatness he saw in me was and how I could see it for myself.

He held out his hand and smiled. “Come, Nash. Come home and be with people who love you. Come to The Golden Light.”