7. The Noble Guest
Dinner was a raucous affair with Bingley and the viscount at the table competing with Miss Bingley’s usual ceaseless chatter.
Darcy quite enjoyed the fact that his cousin became the object of his hostess’ attentions, so he supposed that was something positive. The viscount just seemed to accept her fawning as the natural course of things and even managed to drag Hurst into a lively conversation about cards. That was hardly surprising as the two men shared at least one vice and a rather high level of indolence.
He was disappointed by Miss Elizabeth’s absence, though having to endure his cousin flirting with the lady would have been torture, so it was probably for the best. It was worrisome that she had sent a note that her sister’s fever had slightly increased, so she took a tray in her chamber.
Darcy wondered if that were true. She had not seemed all that impressed with his cousin, and Miss Bennet made an awfully convenient excuse if she wanted to avoid him for at least an evening. The one thing he had noticed was that Miss Elizabeth did not seem the slightest bit overawed with wealth or status.
The separation of the sexes went about as Darcy expected. He could not avoid speaking with his cousin entirely, but the two men had said just about all they had to say to each other a decade earlier. They were vastly different men with quite different ideas of how to live their lives. Darcy thought his cousin was entirely too indolent, too unreliable, too flirty, and too much of a coxcomb; while the viscount thought Darcy was a stick in the mud.
After the obligatory catching up with those aspects of their lives that neither cared in the least about, Darcy was desperate for an escape. He wanted to write his sister a letter, though he was not exactly looking forward to the process, since he really did not know what to say. Georgiana was still extremely unsettled about Ramsgate, so Darcy thought he might regale her with tales of the Bennet sisters in the hope it might break her out of it. Nothing else had.
Even with that ambition, since Miss Elizabeth had not joined them for dinner, none of the men were in a particular hurry to end the separation of sexes. The accomplishment of writing to his sister was not worth the annoyance of the Bingley sisters’ company, so dragging out the separation seemed the ideal solution.
Hurst apparently thought similarly, so he suggested showing his new hunting rifle to the viscount, an activity Darcy considered dull as ditchwater. He liked to shoot, but as long as he had the best gun his gamekeeper suggested, he knew all he needed. Long experience taught him that men like Hurst and his cousin could drone on endlessly about rifle bores, powder horns, rifling patterns, ignition systems, cleaning regimens… it just went on and on and on, worse than Miss Bingley’s endless recitation of on dits from London. He had once seen two men nearly come to blows over which polish to use on their gunstocks.
With that in mind, he suggested he and Bingley remain in place for a half-hour to give the other two men time to purge themselves. Bingley was as jovial as any man, but his system was quite simple. Every time Darcy got a new gun, Bingley got an identical one, and he was done with the subject. In effect, he was also dependent on the Pemberley gamekeeper.
Once they were blissfully alone, Darcy idly wondered, “Did you notice Miss Elizabeth’s reaction to my cousin?”
“Yes. She did not seem all that pleased with the acquaintance, though compared to Caroline, I am not certain anyone could compete.”
Darcy grunted, not willing to agree with the obviously true statement.
“I wonder if Miss Bennet was actually sicker, or Miss Elizabeth was using her for an excuse to avoid the company. I would give it about even odds either way.”
“I should have to agree,” Bingley said, then refilled their glasses.
Both men startled slightly guiltily when the door opened abruptly. Miss Elizabeth stepped in quietly and closed the door.
Darcy thought the lady was pushing her luck slightly with regard to propriety, but since it was two gentlemen of good repute in a public dining room, he supposed it was acceptable. Such things generally made him slightly nervous, but he had been in similar situations with Miss Bingley many times.
Both men stood to greet her and exchanged all the usual bows and such.
“Gentlemen, I hate to disturb you, but I hope to ask a favour,” she said without preamble.
“I am at your disposal, madam,” Bingley replied enthusiastically to nobody’s surprise.
She took a deep breath, and for the first time in their acquaintance, looked more than slightly discomposed, but only for a moment as her countenance hardened.
“My sister and I will be leaving at first light. I wonder if we could impose on you for the use of your carriage. If that is not convenient, I will fetch my father’s,” she said without an ounce of inflexion.
“ Leave! Impossible!” Bingley burst out before he could think all the way through his response.
Elizabeth responded with similar forthrightness. “Jane has a cold, not a gunshot wound. She will be fine, and we have imposed on your hospitality long enough.”
“But… but… but…” Bingley continued babbling, apparently completely adrift in the conversation.
Miss Elizabeth continued relentlessly. “I obviously do not insist on the carriage, sir. I only wish to ascertain what time I need to get up so I can arrange matters appropriately.”
Darcy rather incredulously replied, “You could not possibly fetch the carriage before first light.”
She sighed with an expression indicating that only politeness prevented her from pinching the bridge of her nose or smacking her head at his stupidity (or perhaps his head).
“Hardly! It is but three miles. I walked here in an hour two days ago, and I can perfectly well walk back. In fact, the roads have considerably dried since then. It would hardly be the first time I awoke at five, and I already asked the stable about the loan of a lantern. All will be well.”
Bingley was still sputtering, but finally said, “You are more than welcome to my carriage, of course. You need but ask. I am loathe to have your sister risk her health, but I suppose you know best.”
“I thank you, sir. That will be most advantageous. I should be obliged if you called for it at seven,” she said, then curtseyed as if the conversation was over.
“A moment,” Bingley spat out in some desperation. “Pray, might you explain the urgency?”
She stared back and forth between the men unnervingly for some time.
She finally said, “I…”
Darcy could see her working her way up to prevaricating in a way they could not counter, so he decided to forestall her.
“Naturally, we cannot demand an explanation, but if I might ask politely—”
“I have reasons that I prefer to remain unspoken.”
“If there is something wrong in my house, I should like the opportunity to correct it. I know Caroline can be a trial, but I did not take you for one to be intimidated by the likes of her.”
Elizabeth snorted rather indecorously and let out a good-sized laugh. “No, I have no difficulties with your sister. She is not special!”
Darcy tried another tack. “Your precipitous departure will be noticed, and it may cause talk. If there is something wrong in this house, we would like to know what it is. If we can impose on you to speak candidly, we will give our word to keep it private and give you no censure.”
She stared them down for a bit longer and finally sighed in resignation.
“We will leave, because I will not allow any of my sisters or friends to reside in the same house as Viscount Fitzwilliam for even a day. The only reason we are still here is because it was nearly dark when I met him.”
Both men startled in shock and stared in consternation.
Darcy asked with a bit of temper, “Of what do you accuse my cousin?”
“I make no accusations whatsoever,” she snapped, finally seeming to show her own temper for the first time in his presence. “I only state our need to reside elsewhere.”
Bingley asked, “If there is something worrisome about my guest, I should like to know. Why are you not worried about my sister ?”
“I said…” she replied heatedly, in a voice suggesting her level of annoyance was increasing rapidly, “…that I would not allow my friends or sisters to reside in the same house. Your sister is neither. ”
“What do you mean?”
“She has done naught but insult and belittle me, my family, my home, my friends, and my neighbourhood since the moment she stepped into the assembly. Perhaps you recall ‘She has nothing, in short, to recommend her, but being an excellent walker. I shall never forget her appearance this morning. She really looked almost wild.’”
She stared hard at both men as if daring them, to contradict her, then continued, “That was hardly the first or last slight to me particularly, and I doubt my friends appreciate being called country mushrooms by some upstart parvenu. In short, she is neither friend, nor relative, nor my responsibility.”
Bingley had a frown fit for a gorgon, but since his sisters had said those things, and both he and Darcy had heard them, and neither man had done anything about it many times, he had to concede. “You make a fair point, madam.”
“I wish I could say your sister is shockingly rude, but I have endured far worse and expect to do so in future. I cannot honestly say my mother, or two youngest sisters, are noticeably better, though I doubt Miss Bingley would appreciate the comparison. I could endure your sister for days or weeks without strain, but the viscount is another matter entirely.”
Darcy walked closer very carefully. “I know my cousin is a bit of a flirt, but…”
“He is most definitely not a flirt, sir!” she snapped angrily, having finally endured enough of their recalcitrance. “ He is a seducer, pure and simple! ”
“How do you know?” he asked, though he was not entirely sure he wanted to hear the answer, since it sounded like his cousin could be another Wickham.
She stared at him disconcertingly for some time, and finally said, “I told you I spend time in town. His reputation is well known among his victim class, though I doubt his peers, or his family are aware. He likes to keep his… ah… indiscretions… private.”
She stared a bit more to see if he said anything, but fortunately, he had enough sense to hold his tongue.
She finally held out her hands palm up. “I once held one of his natural daughters in these hands right here. I know of whence I speak.”
Bingley shook his head violently, and snapped, “I shall eject him this very minute.”
Darcy struggled for anything to say.
Elizabeth had no such qualms, so she shrugged. “You may do as you will. I have taken steps. All I require is your carriage at seven, and I shall never speak of the matter.”
Darcy asked, “Is there anything else we should know?”
Elizabeth looked distinctly uncomfortable, then finally sighed. “I took the liberty of moving Jane and myself. I recommend you refrain from telling Miss Bingley, as have I.”
Both stared at her, clearly having a tough time believing it.
“Are you suggesting he might accost one of you tonight? ” Bingley squeaked.
“Do you really want an answer?”
“I do,” Darcy said, and then had to stand his ground when she stared him down for a minute.
“I would appreciate your forbearance, Miss Elizabeth,” Bingley begged. “It pains me to think I might have a snake in my midst, and aside from that, Caroline is neither your sister nor your responsibility, but she is mine! ”
Elizabeth paused a moment and stared in a way that left Darcy believing she was considering whether Bingley was worthy of her sister or not. It seemed an odd notion for a family as desperate for husbands as the Bennets, but then again, in many cases, no husband was better than a bad one. One thing was certain. Miss Elizabeth was vastly different from her mother.
Miss Elizabeth finally explained, “You need to understand the concept of unbalanced risks. Shall I explain?”
Both men nodded.
“The world is a cruel place for women. What you consider flirting , could lead to a man’s inconvenience, or embarrassment—but a woman’s loss of reputation, acquisition of an unwanted child, ruination of her family, or even death. The viscount has ruined more than one woman’s life, and yet here he is, welcomed in this house by one and all. Even should you make his poor character public, he will still be welcomed at every club, ball, and party in London. It will not hurt his reputation in the least.”
Both men had enough sense not to reply.
“Women have to be extremely careful… all day, every day… and every night, for that matter. Men are allowed dozens or hundreds of ‘mistakes,’ while we are not allowed even one. I will not waste Jane’s chances at a good life on your worthless cousin.”
Darcy was very much reminded of Mr Gardiner’s words about mistakes being irreversible and had to admit that he was correct. The unambiguous fact was that Georgiana was essentially in hiding, while absent Gardiner’s intervention, Wickham would still be a free man. Darcy had to be honest with himself. Even if he had rescued his sister personally, he doubted he would have brought the rogue to heel.
“How about your chances?” he asked softly.
“The viscount would find me a hard nut to crack. I am not my sister! ”
Both men startled, and wondered what she meant, so Bingley asked, “Are you quite certain?”
“About his past behaviour—absolutely. About his potential behaviour here and now… tonight? Who can say? I cannot predict his actions, but I can calculate the odds and take steps to prevent the potential outcomes from affecting me and mine. If nothing else, last night should at least demonstrate that I understand probability, and men are far simpler than cards.”
Darcy took his life in his own hands. “Is there anything you can suggest Bingley or I should do? Something more proactive than waiting until tomorrow and tossing him out based on gossip.”
She frowned over his choice of words but had to admit that from his point of view, gossip was indeed her source.
“In science, you cannot prove a negative thesis. If you see one black swan, you can conclude black swans are possible. However, before you have seen one, you cannot know definitively if they are impossible, or you have just not seen one.”
“Agreed,” Darcy said.
She sighed resignedly. “Are you certain you want my suggestion? It cannot be unsaid.”
“I do.”
“If you want to improve your chance of finding a black swan, use black swan bait.”
“Meaning?”
“When the viscount returns, talk up my beauty, such as it is, and then mention that Jane is about five times prettier. That is just a statement of fact, so I doubt you will have any qualms about the assertion. Then lament the fact that we have little or no connexions or dowry, imply we have a weak protector, and gripe forlornly about the fact we will leave in the morning. Take him back to the ladies and allow Miss Bingley to assassinate our characters for an hour. Then sleep in my bed, with the connecting door to Jane’s room open.”
Darcy and Bingley stared at her in stupefaction. The plan was devious and unlikely to succeed, unless the viscount was lost to all sense of honour, propriety, and self-preservation.
She continued. “I cannot guarantee a black swan. In fact, I would not even give it even odds, but if you find yourself having a conversation with your cousin in the middle of the night, you will know certain things beyond the slightest doubt. If you do not, ask your man of business to investigate him. His proclivities are not exactly a state secret, and the investigation will not even take a week.”
Bingley asked, “What about Caroline?”
“What about her?”
“Is she safe?”
“Pray, do your own thinking, Mr Bingley,” she said in mild exasperation. “You could move her and occupy her bed, but then she would know and that would be… less than ideal. She does not seem a woman who can keep a secret, particularly if she thinks she can use it to her advantage. If you worry, station a reliable footman down the hall to watch her door, but I would not recommend informing her. To be honest, I doubt she would care all that much if he did compromise her, as she likely feels between you and Mr Darcy you could force his hand. I have a feeling she would cut off her own arm for a title if it came right down to it.”
Both men were shocked at her forthright and even somewhat vulgar assertions and were full of questions, but they heard Hurst and the viscount returning, so Elizabeth quickly curtseyed and hurried out the door.
~~~~~
Darcy and Bingley waited in the front hall at seven for the ladies. Both ladies curtseyed. Miss Bennet seemed shocked, and Miss Elizabeth looked resigned at the good-sized plaster on the side of Darcy’s head.
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow questioningly, but did not bother asking directly.
“Miss Bennet… Miss Elizabeth… well met,” Bingley replied with less than his usual enthusiasm, though it was anybody’s guess whether that was caused by the disagreeableness of having his angel leave early, having an unrepentant rake in his house, or something as simple as having to get up at the crack of dawn when he preferred the crack of noon.
Darcy greeted them quietly. “Miss Elizabeth… a word, if you would be so kind?”
They stepped away a few paces, allowing Bingley and Jane to have a quiet conversation that Elizabeth was happy to miss.
“I owe you a great debt, madam.”
“Has it anything to do with that plaster?”
He sighed dejectedly. “That plaster is the cost of my education, I suppose. I did as you suggested. My cousin may not be quite so charming any more with a broken nose and missing tooth. I will be taking him to town this morning and intend to have a long discussion with his father about his habits. Something must be done.”
Elizabeth sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, then finally pointed to a spot on the opposite wall.
“Do you see that stone that is redder than those surrounding it?”
He looked quizzically, then nodded in confusion.
“It is the appropriate height. When we leave, I suggest you beat your head against it for a quarter-hour and then go about your life. It will hurt about the same amount as speaking to the earl and have the same effect. Nothing short of breakfast for one will change the viscount’s habits.”
Darcy startled, but did not have the nerve to asked her to elaborate, or even to explained how a country miss knew a somewhat vulgar slang term for a duel. In practise, it did not matter if speaking to his uncle would achieve anything or not anyway. It was what had to be done, so he would do it.
“Since we have breached propriety a dozen times, may I ask you a question you may not like.”
“ You may ask questions which I shall not choose to answer . ”
“What made you take such a dislike to me in the beginning? We have been in company a month, but you studiously avoided me almost from the first moment of our acquaintance. Last night was the very first time you spoke directly to me. Where did I go wrong?”
She stared at him for some time. “You make an incorrect assumption, sir. You share a common failing with the rest of us. We all like to think the world revolves around us, when in fact, it does not.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning, I have never disliked you and still do not. I have been indifferent to you. That is something else entirely.”
“How so?” he asked confusedly.
“They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I believe like and dislike are similar, just with a smaller denomination. I apologise if this offends you, but I have never found anything about you to excite any such feeling.”
“And yet, you did seem to avoid me.”
“I avoid many people. You are no more special than Miss Bingley.”
He grunted but found himself at an impasse. He was not certain he had ever had to deal with complete indifference, though for all he knew, a great many people might be indifferent to him, and he just never noticed.
“Well, for what it is worth, I quite like you, and hope to one day excite some sort of feeling, one way or the other.”
“Your cousin’s tooth is worth something I suppose, so perhaps you have something to recommend you.”
“Time will tell. For the moment, whether you see me with approbation, disdain, or indifference; simply know that I am in your debt.”
“No sir! I acted entirely on my own interests without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me . If you benefited, it is just the luck of the draw.”
“The debt need not be acknowledged to be real, madam.”
She stared at him a moment and let it stretch.
“There is no debt! You owe me nothing. In fact!” she replied emphatically, then dug around in her reticule and eventually handed him a coin, then continued, “Here is your shilling back. Now we are even! ”
With that, she curtseyed then quickly gathered Jane to head to the carriage, leaving the man staring in open-mouthed confusion.
Naturally, that only gave them a brief reprieve, as the gentlemen insisted on handing the ladies in, and the ladies accepted with various levels of elation, relief, and reluctance.
Both men stood staring at the back of the retreating carriage until it moved out of sight, while Darcy was overwhelmed with one overriding thought.
Mr Gardiner was going to laugh his head off.