Page 11

11. The Blue Devils

The next morning demonstrated every possible meaning of the term ‘ blue devils’ for the residents of Longbourn. Its most common definition was the pain, horror, and regret that came as the inevitable result of over-imbibing. Unlike Denny and Sanderson, none of the Longbourn residents had been double dosed with both alcohol and laudanum (to Elizabeth’s knowledge, anyway), but at least some of them had certainly had their fill of drink. Mrs Bennet and her two younger daughters were sullen, loud, shrill, tetchy, and generally unpleasant. They felt terrible and that apparently compelled them to make everyone else suffer along with them. Even the patriarch had sampled a bit more spirits than was wise, but at least he managed to suffer mostly in silence.

Of course, Elizabeth, Jane, and Mary felt fine, but that did not allow them to avoid enduring the lamentations.

Mr Collins was blissfully quiet at breakfast, not that even he would have been able to slide a word in edgewise between the whingeing of the overset parts of the table. He left immediately after breakfast and returned after dinner engaged to Charlotte Lucas. That naturally stirred up the hornet’s nest and triggered the second definition of blue devils: extreme melancholy. The wailing, lamentations, and gnashing of teeth were so long and loud that Elizabeth tried to hide in her room for several hours, though that did not do much to assuage Mrs Bennet’s fury. She threatened to ban Elizabeth from Longbourn forever, but since her majority was coming up in a few months, and she planned to leave for London within the week, that threat had no real power.

Elizabeth spent the bulk of the day (when she was not enduring her mother’s harangues), trying to get to know Mary better. She found her sister was not quite such a zealot as her habits suggested. She was probably mostly shy and just trying to be noticed in a very loud family. Elizabeth could not condemn her for that, since she spent half her time in London to avoid Longbourn, but wished she could steer Mary away from Reverend Fordyce. The man was an idiot, who wrote long, boring, nonsensical sermons about how women should behave—when he had never married or fathered children, and in fact had no women at all in his life except a long-suffering sister. According to that reverend, nearly everything Elizabeth did was wrong, and she hoped she could wean Mary off his drivel. She considered her sister’s rejection of Mr Collins to be the start of a possible reformation, but she had a long way to go.

That said, Mrs Bennet’s assertion that Mary knew nothing about running a house was truer than not. Mary would not be among Elizabeth’s list of accomplished women, by either definition. That said, by the end of the day she decided that Mary was not so set in her ways as to be beyond amendment.

~~~~~

On the morning of the second day after the ball, the chickens all came home to roost, and the bill for the Bennet family’s poor behaviour came due.

Jane received a note from Caroline Bingley indicating the entire Netherfield party had gone to town and would likely remain there for the winter, and in fact, might not return at all. The note was mostly fiction, since Miss Bingley made at least two claims that were pure fantasy.

The first claim was that Jane was her dear friend, and the only thing she would miss in that county. She even twisted that lie a bit by asking Jane to engage in correspondence, but Elizabeth could see through that with the greatest of ease. It seemed obvious Miss Bingley looked on the idea of associating her family with the Bennets with abhorrence—and to be honest, after the ball, Elizabeth could not really blame her. As far as anyone at Netherfield knew, any man foolish enough to marry Jane Bennet was more than likely to end up housing the rest of the family as well, even assuming neither Kitty nor Lydia shamed them, which was not a bet Elizabeth would take.

The second spurious claim was that Mr Bingley was to court Miss Darcy. Miss Bingley must have assumed Elizabeth knew nothing about the Darcys, since the only interaction she had witnessed was one dance and one card game. That might even have been true if she always lived at Longbourn. As it was, she knew far more than she ever wanted to about the wayward heiress. She supposed it was possible Mr Darcy was fed up with Miss Darcy’s intransigence after the elopement attempt the previous summer and wanted to marry her off, but she doubted it very much. She strongly suspected that was just wishful thinking on Miss Bingley’s part, since she naturally knew nothing about the debacle in Ramsgate. Miss Bingley might hope one wedding led to another, but Elizabeth thought that was just plain silly.

Jane however, poor na?ve Jane, took the letter at face value. Jane had always been Elizabeth’s favourite sister, but with Elizabeth spending only half her time in Longbourn, they had lost the close relationship they’d enjoyed as children. Mr Bennet had prohibited her from enlightening her sisters about the uglier aspects of the world, despite repeated requests, and Elizabeth obeyed, to the family’s detriment.

Mrs Bennet made it clear that she had now endured six calamities in a row, all at Elizabeth’s feet. She took a good hour to work through the list: the early exit from Netherfield, the complete lack of effort to capture the viscount, the same for Mr Darcy, the rejection of Mr Collins, the future ascension of Charlotte Lucas, and finally the last nail in the coffin—Mr Bingley’s defection. Compared to her assertions about how ill-used she was, and how much of a bane Elizabeth was on her existence, and the miserable life she was set to endure—Elizabeth eventually became nostalgic for dinner at the Netherfield ball. At least there, the endless spasms and fluttering were aimed at someone else.

By the end of the day, Elizabeth was fed up, and she decided to take the bull by the horns.

~~~~~

Breakfast the next day was where she decided to get on with it. She had at first determined to simply accost her father in his study, but she ultimately concluded that effort was unlikely to succeed. She knew well she would need to use the lure and the lash to gain any hope of success.

When breakfast was near done, she banged her teacup to get everyone’s attention—a manoeuvre that would gain her about a quarter of a minute at best and stood to speak.

“I have been listening to endless lamentations for two days, the main purpose of which has been to either just vent your spleens or cast blame on me , and I have had enough. I ask… nay, demand that you heed my words. I will give you the problems that drove your suitors away and will continue to drive them away in some detail—then I will offer a solution.”

“I will not sit here and listen to this drivel!” Mrs Bennet said and threw down her serviette as if it were a gauntlet.

“Before you storm away in high dudgeon, Mama, I suggest in the strongest terms you at least make yourself aware of what you are walking away from!”

The two stared back and forth, but Elizabeth had stared down misters Darcy and Bingley, and they were hardly the most frightening men she had ever dealt with. Her mother’s ire did not particularly impress her. For Mrs Bennet’s part, she found she did not like the hard as nails look her daughter had no-doubt learnt from her brother. To be honest, it frightened her just a bit, so she sat down with poor grace.

“Very well! You will make me suffer your opinion regardless, so we may as well get it over with.”

Elizabeth sighed in frustration, both at her mother’s inability to listen to one thing and then became even angrier when she saw her father smirking at the altercation as if it were the best entertainment he had seen in years (which might have been true).

Elizabeth stared at her sisters to ensure no interruptions, a trick that might get her another minute.

“Do you remember a few days ago when I told you for the thousandth time that you would not starve in the hedgerows… that your brother would not allow it, and that arrangements have already been made?”

Mrs Bennet seemed prepared to contradict her, but Elizabeth simply stared her down once more until she nodded resignedly.

“I will not explain why I can say this now, but the quality of your eventual situation after the demise of our father is not set in stone. You will not be left to starve, but you may be left to get by on the interest from your portion. That would allow you to live somewhat worse than Aunt Philips, particularly if you still have unwed daughters, but it hardly counts as starving. On the other hand, if you acquiesce to my suggestion today, then you might reside in comfort somewhere between Aunt Philips and Aunt Gardiner. It is entirely up to you which you get, but you have to decide NOW! ”

They stared back and forth a few more times, but just before Mrs Bennet might have agreed or not, Mr Bennet weighed in.

“I am still the head of this household, Elizabeth, and I take exception to this line of discussion. We had an agreement!”

Everyone at the table snapped to attention, as none of them actually understood the agreement, or had even heard of it.

Elizabeth took it all in stride. “Yes, Father, we had an agreement, but you have not kept your end of the bargain.”

There it was, out on the table and just waiting for his retaliation, which was not long in coming.

“The agreement was that I allow you to do as you will in London for six months of the year, and you do not interfere with how I educate my other daughters. You have exceeded your six months each of the past three years, so what makes you think you can change the terms at this late date? I could just as well assert you have not kept up your end.”

Elizabeth knew he was just trying to get a rise out of her, so she did not take the bait.

“The agreement was that you would educate your daughters as you saw fit. You have not done so.”

“I dispute that, and even so, the crucial phrase in that agreement was, ‘as I see fit .’”

“Once again, I dispute that. The key word is ‘educate ,’ and in that respect, you have not lifted a finger since I left at fifteen.”

Mr Bennet started to pound the table, but Elizabeth held her hand and barely managed to stop him.

“There is little to be gained by arguing the point. I will be gone tomorrow, and I have no plans to return. I will reach my majority during the next six months, and I will not return to Longbourn. As a very basic sign of respect, will you at least allow me to have my say. In exchange, I will say that when we leave this table, this family can accept or reject my proposed bargain, but either way, I shall never bring it up again.”

Everyone stared at her in shock. Nobody, not even Elizabeth, had ever challenged the patriarch in such a way at his own table, mostly because such challenges rarely ended well. The man mostly ignored them, but he could be vindictive when the mood struck. They were also stunned at Elizabeth’s assertion that she would never return. Such a thought had not occurred to a single person in the house.

Mr Bennet thought about it for some time, and finally asked, “Are you saying your influence on your uncle is such that you can convince him to reward or punish your mother at your whim?”

Elizabeth bit back the first retort that came to mind and did not like the taste of gristle that appeared on her tongue. The fifth thought did not go down much better, but she finally got her temper under control.

“I see you share a trait with Mrs Bennet. You like to see every statement in the worst possible light and wish to blame me for the world’s ills. I will not dignify your assertion with an answer at this point. I will promise you a detailed answer in a fortnight, if you will but listen to my assessment and subsequent proposal.”

Everyone, even the supposedly educated patriarch, took far too long in Elizabeth’s opinion to grasp the essence of a simple statement. She ascribed it to indolence of thought but supposed it did not matter.

Mr Bennet finally said, “All right, we will hear you out.”

The fact that he made it sound like listening to her for once in their lives was the greatest concession made her want to grind her teeth, but she had no time for such petty responses.

“Very well, but before we begin, allow me to set the rules of this engagement. At the end of this, I will offer everyone at this table something they want very much, but only if you listen to me all the way through without arguing at every point. Have I your agreement?”

She stared at each member of the table disconcertingly until everyone nodded once. She noticed most of the members took it about how she would expect. Mr Bennet was enjoying the spectacle. Mrs Bennet was sullen. Jane was serene and agreeable. Kitty and Lydia would have left entirely if they had not been convinced the promise of a reward was worth a few minutes of Lizzy’s endless droning.

Mary was interesting. She met her gaze steadily, and somehow did not seem to be overly surprised by the exchange. She of course agreed immediately, but she gave Elizabeth a look of respect that she very much appreciated.

Elizabeth took a deep breath. “Remember, no interruptions! The reason Mr Bingley left, and the next poor man will also leave, and the next probably will never approach anyone in this family in the first place—is the abhorrent behaviour of its members.”

It took a good five minutes of shouting, counter-shouting, and mayhem to get the table calm enough to let her continue. She finally bellowed in a manner she had learnt from a militia training officer.

“ENOUGH! YOU AGREED I COULD FINISH!”

They finally settled, and Elizabeth began.

“The worst are Lydia and Kitty. You are both brazen flirts. Do you know the officers have an ongoing betting book about who will lift your skirts first?”

The table was stunned both at the assertion and the vulgarity of her language, but Elizabeth continued relentlessly.

“Denny and Sanderson are rakehells of the first order. They spent half the evening betting about whether it could be accomplished without force before the end of the ball—though they would consider anything short of bludgeoning you with a club to be ‘without force.’ The only reason one of you is not compromised right now , is that I brought two of Uncle Gardiner’s men, and they drugged the two men into insensibility. That said, they are both still here, and just as eager to win the bet.”

For the first time, she thought she might just have gotten through to her sister, but it was not to last.

“YOU LIE!” Lydia screamed, to exactly nobody’s surprise. “You are just jealous because they do not pay you any attention and you will die an old maid.”

Elizabeth spoke gently. “They do not pay me any attention because I do not allow it . Think about it, Lydia. These men make so little money that nobody short of a colonel can afford a wife at all, and even Mrs Forster does not live even as well as Aunt Philips, which Mother has just emphatically stated was unacceptable. What could you gain by marrying a man who is poor as a rat? Besides that, I can assure you there is not a single man in that shire who has marriage in mind, but there are other things flirting can lead to that they are entirely prepared for.”

The discussion followed that vein for another quarter-hour, and Elizabeth eventually listed every single mortifying action that she or the Gardiner men had observed at the ball, including her mother’s relentless boasting about the ‘capture’ of Mr Bingley.

She stared her mother down. “I can assure you that Mr Darcy nearly broke a tooth over that display. Think about it, madam. You hounded me to try to get his attention. He decided he liked me well enough to dance the supper set, and I can assure you that Mr Darcy dancing the supper set with an unmarried woman is nearly unprecedented. He was quite in charity with me until he heard your vulgar display at supper. After that, Papa’s cruelty to Mary over the pianoforte, and the ongoing vulgarity of Kitty and Lydia, he barely spoke another word to me, and left Netherfield after breakfast, never to return.”

Elizabeth could see her mother making and rejecting one argument after another, as the conclusions were so obvious that even she could see the futility of argument.

Elizabeth continued for another quarter-hour, not even sparing her father her critiques.

Lydia tried to turn it back on her and blame things on Elizabeth, but she was prepared. She picked up three propriety manuals that they all were supposed to have absorbed.

“Tell me where I erred, and if you think you can name something, find in one of these books where you can justify it.”

Mary chimed in for the first time. “You may as well give up, Lydia. The closest Lizzy came to breaking a single rule of propriety was having a conversation with me in a place where someone else overheard… hardly a hanging offence.”

The discussion followed for a quarter-hour more until Elizabeth was simply tired of it. Everyone wanted to dispute every fact.

Eventually, Elizabeth exhausted her patience and slapped her hand on the table.

“ENOUGH! Here was my thought at the end of the ball: ‘ had my family made an agreement to expose themselves as much as they could during the evening, it would have been impossible for them to play their parts with more spirit or finer success.’ This morning’s discussion has simply confirmed that thesis. NOW!” she bellowed.

She continued more softly. “Do you want to hear my proposal? Are you the least bit curious about the reward available should you accept it, and the likely consequences if you do not?”

Everyone stared, and Mary once again stepped into the breach. “I, for one, would like to hear what Elizabeth has to say. What harm can it do? And she did say the reward would be substantial.”

There was considerable grumbling but eventually everyone agreed to hear her out.

Elizabeth sighed. “Few, if any of you, know that Uncle Gardiner is in the business of protecting wealthy young women from rakes and fortune hunters. As part of that business, he offers a course… a sort of school… that can teach young ladies how to protect themselves. The world is a harsh place, and it behoves all of you to know how to navigate it safely.”

She looked around the table and saw that everyone was staring at her as if she had gone daft. She was especially saddened to see both of her parents looking more confused than anything. They, at least, had all the opportunity in the world, not to mention the responsibility, to know about the Cheapside Runners; but they obviously just thought he was in trade , and did not give the form of his trade another thought.

Elizabeth had been trying to convince her father to send them to the course for years, but he would not listen to a single word about her time in London, regardless of how much she begged him to do so. They probably did not even know her uncle’s income was more than treble Longbourn’s.

“Here is my proposal, which has my uncle’s approval. I would like to take my sisters to this course, which you are being offered free of charge. Once you agree, you must finish. The course takes a fortnight. If you pass the course, which means do exactly as you are instructed for a fortnight, then you will receive an extra six-month’s allowance, and one new London ballgown each. You will also attend two entertainments in London, such as a play or a ball.”

Elizabeth could see that all of her sisters were at least thinking about it (for once), but Mrs Bennet unerringly went to the heart of the matter, at least as far as she was concerned.

“You said we would all have a reward. What is in it for me?”

“Do you mean aside from having daughters who just might attract reasonable suitors rather than ruining the family?” Elizabeth asked earnestly, hoping she might break through her parents’ intransigence.

“Do not double-talk me with your clever witticisms. There is not a whit wrong with my daughters. Why should I trade two lively girls who know how to attract a man’s attention for two more Marys?”

Mary flinched slightly but said nothing.

Elizabeth said, “Circle back to the beginning of this discussion, Mama. Papa is a dozen years older than you. Chances are good that you outlive him by a decade or two, and that is not even counting any unmarried daughters. You have been living one rabbit hole away from destitution for a quarter-century and have not saved a farthing. You will depend on your family’s charity, and I can assure you that having all of your daughters pass this course is the price of that charity.”

At that point, all the logical arguments had been laid out, but the battle was hardly over. She now had to fight decades of stubbornness and the simple fact that nobody liked to lose an argument.

In the end, Elizabeth had to rely on her father, and even then, she had to use bribery as the lure. She also had a lash handy in case the lure failed, but she hoped it would be unnecessary.

“Father, if you agree with this, you will get a fortnight of blessed peace and quiet, and the course will leave the house much more peaceful even after your daughters return. You could even send Mama to stay with Aunt Gardiner during the course. After that, I give you my solemn promise that you will never hear another word on this subject for the rest of your life.”

She left unsaid that the promise was easy to keep because she would distance herself entirely from the family if they kept their present course toward ruin, likely even going as far as taking the Gardiner surname before Bennet was tainted—an action she was seriously considering, especially since she often used it already.

Eventually both parents agreed to the scheme, so Elizabeth struck while the iron was hot.

“We shall leave just after breakfast. I expect everyone at the table promptly at nine. Pack just one day dress, one evening gown, and smallclothes. The rest of your clothing is provided as part of the course. Be ready!”