Page 54 of The Book of Heartbreak

‘Atta boy,’ Five says. ‘Pray all your prayers. Now’s the right time.’

‘Take your hands off him,’ I yell. Muzaffer glances at me, and for the fleeting second our eyes meet, I swear there’s pride in his face.

‘Go,’ he mouths at me. ‘Run, Sare.’

But I can’t. I can’t leave him with Five.

‘To be fair,’ Five muses, oblivious to Muzaffer’s warning, ‘your grandfather has my respect. Of all the mortals I’ve met, he is the only one who proved impossible to truly break – but his .

. . kidneys are finally beating him, I reckon?

Or –’ his eyes narrow, as if he’s thinking hard – ‘is it the heart?’

‘Let Sare go.’ Muzaffer’s face crumples. ‘You have no right to see her.’

‘Oh, I’ll see her alright,’ Five teases. ‘Besides, she’s the one who turned up here. She’s the one who sought me out. Mine, old man,’ he whispers to Muzaffer. ‘She is mine.’

‘I’m not yours!’ I lunge forward, tugging at Five’s wings, but he doesn’t even budge as his black feathers pierce my skin like razors.

He shoves Muzaffer away then, and the old man lets out a strained gasp, slumping, hand on his chest.

‘ No! ’ I scream as I watch him. Muzaffer wavers a moment, then drops to his knees, his face distorted with pain.

I run to my grandfather’s aid, throwing myself to the ground next to him, distracted from my own distress entirely.

My hands tremble as they helplessly cling to Muzaffer’s arms, then his neck, his face.

‘Please—’ Muzaffer is dying, and I can’t do anything to save him. ‘Please, don’t leave me.’

‘I was a fool to blame Defne,’ Muzaffer mutters.

‘And it was my own guilt that barred me from seeing her. That I didn’t do better by her, or her sister.

I didn’t protect them. My girls. When . .

. When I saw you . . . S-Sare. How much you resemble I-Iris .

. . I knew, then. I should’ve reached out. My silence was a mistake. Forgive me.’

‘There’s nothing to forgive.’ I rush to soothe him.

And how do I break the curse, if there’s nothing to forgive?

The fluttering pounds against my heart. It’s a miracle that I’ve kept going this far without yet succumbing to tears. A sob catches in my throat. I burn to let it go. For what’s the point in holding back the tears any more?

‘Rule number one, dear daughter: no tears shall fall,’ Five cautions me. ‘You are my child. You do not cry like a weakling. You do not beg or bestow forgiveness.’

‘Fuck you,’ I snap at him.

And just like that, crying becomes my rebellion.

A drop runs down my cheek. Another follows.

Then another. And instead of making everything worse, they start to calm me down, as if my heart isn’t dented, as if my lungs aren’t deflating.

I should be panic-stricken, helpless, defeated.

But I feel empowered. I’m driving towards an end, I realise.

The curse’s end.

‘I’m s-sorry. Promise . . . t-to . . .’ Muzaffer’s eyes seem to wither like petals in his face. ‘Look . . . ahead.’

I position his head on my lap to offer him comfort, uncertain if he can feel it.

I’m sorry. His regret drums a rhythm. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

The fluttering surges in my ribs.

What should I do? I can’t recite those rules. They belong to Five, and to the world of celestials who never cared one jot for any of us.

They were never mine.

I can’t break the curse by following someone else’s rules. I have to abandon them to save myself.

‘I promise,’ I reassure Muzaffer. ‘I’ll look ahead.’

He brushes the scars on my palm.

‘Enough,’ Five says flatly, cracking his fingers. I watch as a plume of silver smoke rises from Muzaffer’s chest, coiling like mist before rushing to Five’s open hand. He clenches his fist, and Muzaffer’s hand goes still beneath mine.

‘Get up,’ Five orders, his voice devoid of empathy. ‘He’s gone.’

‘He’s gone,’ I repeat as despair swallows me whole. ‘He’s gone . . .’ My sobs turn ragged, raw, almost animalistic.

My grandfather’s face is peaceful on my lap. The last victim of the sorrow and grief that made me.

No matter how far I run, Death always follows, because I am its child – the child of a man with no heart.

‘Stop wailing,’ Five grits out.

A fire erupts in my chest, flames fluttering in defiance, none of them obeying him. Is that why the burning doesn’t hurt this time? Or have I grown so numb that pain has forsaken me?

Then it comes – I let it come – an impact from deep below, rattling the tower as if it’s nothing more than a toy.

The earthquake.

‘Not this shit again,’ Five growls.

The earth groans in response, as though the land weeps with me.

I can’t breathe. Strange, there is still no pain. Yet I feel all the past fractures in my heart, all at once.

I’m going to die.

‘Look at me,’ Five commands, and my neck snaps upward, my body no longer mine to control. ‘Stop pitying these worthless mortals. You will not die.’

I feel his intention slithering beneath his words – he’s trying to distract me.

‘Wouldn’t it be better,’ I challenge him with defiance, ‘if I die, and the curse dies with me?’

‘You foolish girl,’ he groans. ‘You will apologise once you realise how much I’ve risked for you.

It would’ve cost me nothing to crush you before you were even born.

You’d have perished, and the curse would’ve been erased, freeing me of my troubles.

But I chose to let you live. I wanted more, something that even angels can’t possess.

You will be my prophet. The Almighty has countless prophets, why shouldn’t I?

’ He leans closer. ‘Together, we will build my kingdom on earth.’

His face shifts, then.

I place a hand on my chest, forcing my eyes shut so I don’t have to witness Five’s full transformation – but no matter how hard I try, I’m forced to stare at him.

He morphs, face paling, wings rising. He grows larger, impossibly so, until all traces of facial hair vanish and his skin turns translucent, ghastly pale.

His wings loom over me like haunted hills.

Only the ring of fire remains the same, above his head, soaring as he glares at me.

‘I’ve never shown my true form to any mortal,’ he declares, towering like the monster he is. ‘Not when they’re alive. But you are mine and you deserve to see me. You and I will share an eternity. A destiny. We will be invincible, wrathful, unforgiving.’

I should feel small, powerless, but I’m emboldened by his failure to understand me. I’ll never willingly abandon the emotions that make me human. I’ll never belong to him.

‘Never,’ I spit the word, refusing to be cowed. ‘I’ll never stand by your side. Not after what you’ve done to Mum and Iris.’

‘It’s my fire glowing in you, my mercy that saved you from the curse’s reign.’ Five speaks softly, as if singing a lullaby, but his eyes gleam with pure wrath. ‘Stop being an ungrateful brat and celebrate your glorious lineage.’

‘It breaks my heart that you’re my father.’ I pause as my breath scrapes against my throat. I wait for the lacerating pain to seize my chest, but despite the raging earthquake, it still won’t arrive. ‘Y-you break my heart.’

He looks into my eyes, his chest heaving, as if he’s truly hearing me for the first time. He leans down and grips me tightly, lifting me as though I weigh nothing. For a split second, I think he might kill me right there.

‘I think you’re angry because I never showed up,’ he mutters to himself, as though trying to understand. ‘But I was going to. On your birthday, when you finally lose the heart. Tenth December – I had it jotted down in my diary. I could show you.’

‘Do you think I care? Well, fuck you, because you can’t control me. I will let my heart destroy me rather than live for you.’ I tremble and Istanbul trembles beneath us, the earth shifting with the quake.

‘Your heart will crack if you don’t stop this tantrum,’ he warns.

‘And I can’t save you this time. Even I, the most supreme, have limits.

Pull yourself together! Aren’t you hungry to live?

’ Even in my poor state, I notice how his confidence falters.

‘I can give you wings. I can give you gold. You’ll always be young, powerful.

’ He pauses, searching my face. ‘You can have that boy seer, and as many other lovers as you desire, all at your mercy. You can make anyone love you.’

Love .

It’s what killed me with heartbreaks, but it is also what kept me alive. No matter how hard I shunned it, I realise, love never abandoned me. I feel it inside my ribs, resting warm against the icy darkness of the curse, seeping through the cracks in my flawed heart.

There is no anguish in its imperfection.

Five leans towards my face. ‘I will not beg forgiveness, if this is what you’re after.’

Forgiveness. He makes it sound like an insult.

And right then, as I stare at his bone-white facade and glowering eyes , I grasp exactly what I need to do to break the curse.

‘Aren’t you frightened?’ Five’s grip is a shackle on my arms.

I almost laugh at him. Fear left me long ago. Heartbreaks may have destroyed me, but they forged me into someone far stronger.

Someone who’s not afraid of death.

‘I’m not a coward any more,’ I challenge him. ‘I’d rather die than live without love. But I won’t die without breaking the curse.’

‘Fool,’ he grinds out. ‘How could you do that?’

‘All these years, I allowed only fear and anger in my heart.’ I waver, weakened, it takes all my remaining strength to speak. ‘You were the architect of the rules I lived by. You tried to make me . . . like you. But you failed. I hold nothing but love and forgiveness in my heart. Even f–for y—’

‘No!’ he roars. ‘I shall not be insulted like this. Your human heart only knows hating me. You cannot say it.’

I can say it. I pity him so much, despite the deep hatred, I can forgive him.

‘Even for you – Azarel.’ I cough, wheezing, my soul draining as a fracture begins to etch itself in my heart.

‘Silence!’ he bellows and, for a moment, I fear the tower might crumble – not from an earthquake, but under the weight of his fury. ‘Don’t you dare speak those words. I will not have my pride crushed.’

‘Father,’ I call him, and he stiffens. ‘What a wretched state you’re in. How hollow your existence must be. I pity you, for you will never understand how beautiful it is to be human. You are blind to the joys of a heart you deem weak – and to its power to forgive.’

Something flickers in Five’s eyes – hurt, mingled with contempt.

‘I forgive you, Azarel.’ I close my eyes. ‘I forgive you.’

It breaks my heart to forgive him. But I do. The forgiveness is my sacrifice, and his punishment.

The sound that follows is different – still loud, deafening, not a crack, but a deep rattling.

Strangely, I don’t fall. Not this time. Perhaps, because I’m already in Death’s arms, there’s nowhere left to go.