Page 47 of The Book of Heartbreak

Love is the greatest of the sacrifices, often demanding heavy costs. But the heart, unlike wisdom, heeds no reason, and it pays every price.

Excerpt from The Book of Heartbreak, Müneccimbasi Sufi Chelebi’s Journals of Mystical Phenomena

Our first kiss, though impulsive and rushed, was something both Leon and I managed to shove to the back of our minds. But the second changes everything.

I lose track of time as his lips press against mine, as my tongue slips into his mouth.

It may be seconds or minutes – I have no idea, for time slows down and loses all meaning.

When we eventually break apart, my lips still tingle, longing again for his.

In that moment, I hug him, and he envelops me in an embrace I wish could last forever.

His chest is firm against my cheek. This, I discover, must be what happiness feels like.

This safety in the rhythm of another’s heart.

And, fuck, I’m scared of losing it.

‘I love you,’ he says again. ‘I love you, Sare.’

Do it, I tell myself. Say it. The words form on my lips, but I still can’t bear to speak them aloud.

We stand entwined: a boy doomed to madness should he fall for a cursed girl, and a girl who’ll perish if her heart shatters once more.

It takes all my strength to slip away from his arms. Once the pull of his touch fades, clarity begins to seep in. This isn’t just about saving myself any more – I need to protect Leon. He’s already confessed his love, how little he cares about the doom it may bring upon him.

He doesn’t understand how merciless the curse is.

But I do – I’ve died four times already.

I can’t be selfish. I can’t allow him to remain entangled in this mess.

What will happen if I fail to break the cycle?

I’ll be heartless, a hollow shell, incapable of returning his devotion. I’ll be his damnation.

‘I’m sorry.’ I step away. ‘This is a mistake. I don’t know what’s got into me.’

I see the fleeting surprise on his face. His brow furrows, and he opens his mouth as if he’ll say something, but I escape his gaze and glance at the bedding.

‘Look,’ I begin, ignoring the fluttering in my chest, ‘you and I are impossible. There’s no way we can be together. Forcing this will only hurt us, and others.’

‘Is there someone else?’ He looks miserable. ‘Back in the UK?’

For a moment, I toy with the idea of lying to him. If I say yes, he’d let go. But I can’t lie after everything I’ve been through. My voice abandons me, and I shake my head.

‘Am I somehow making things worse for you?’ Leon doesn’t give up. ‘Is this about the curse – what it does to you?’

I always underestimate how clever he is, how he reads me like an open book.

‘Yes,’ I whisper. ‘The curse –’ My throat dries. I can’t tell him about the heartbreaks – not from shame or embarrassment, not any more, but because I fear it will only make him hold on to me tighter. ‘I can’t get close to anyone.’

‘Sare,’ he says, and I wonder how I’ll tolerate not hearing my name from his lips if I let him go. ‘We can go to Peru together. The master there is the finest of the curse-breakers. He can help us. Come with me, Sare.’

‘I can’t.’ I drop my gaze. Kissing him was a mistake. I’m undone by the urge to hold him close, to bury my face in his chest and beg him to stay. And the fact that I can’t slices me like a knife.

‘Then tell me to stay,’ he says. My struggle must be evident to him. ‘Tell me that you want me to stay, and I will.’

It would be so easy, so simple to say, Stay . He wants to hear it. I want to say it. We’ll be happy, even if only temporarily. But if I can’t break the curse . . . I would soon cease to be able to love him back.

‘I’m sorry.’ My voice is a whistle in the wind. ‘I can’t.’

Pain flashes across his face. But this is for his own good – he will be safe. He won’t leave me unless I strike a blow.

It’s unfair. It’s for the best.

‘Read the room, Leon.’ I force the words out.

‘I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want any commitments.

Peru? To save me? I’m tired of you acting like my saviour.

I tried to be subtle, thinking you’d take the hint, but maybe I need to spell it out.

I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

Stop treating me like some damsel in distress. ’

That does it. I see the hope in his eyes flicker and fade, and I’m hit by a tide of self-loathing.

This time, there are no more words, no more candies or kisses to exchange. He retreats to his makeshift bed without any protest, ending this misery for us both, and I curl up in mine with the fluttering within my ribs.

My hands are on my lips, and I can still feel him, taste him, smell him – everything about him that momentarily shreds all my troubles into nothingness, distracting my cursed heart. He’s a drug, a storm that rips everything apart and one I can’t afford to be in love with.

Within my ribs, doves are trying to set themselves free.

I close my eyes. Rule number three, I recite. Death is not an option.

A boy can’t break my heart. Not after everything I’ve been through. Not before I know what happened to my mother. Not before I break the curse.

I will not die.

I will not die.

I will not die.

When I open my eyes the next morning, the storm has at last fallen silent outside and I’m alone in the room. I nip to the bathroom, wondering where Leon is, and then I hear him.

‘ Biliyorum ,’ he says, gritting his teeth. It means ‘I know’. The rest, I can’t decipher.

I follow the sound of voices into the living room and when I peek through the door, Leon finishes his phone call.

‘We need to go back, right now.’ He’s dishevelled, unamused at the sight of me.

I glance at him warily. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Your grandfather is very upset.’ He sighs. ‘They assumed we ran away together. Pelin is with them now, assuring them we didn’t, but—’

With panic, I turn on my phone and ring Azmi.

‘Please, miss, come home,’ he begs. ‘Mr Gümüshus is very concerned.’

‘I’m sure he is,’ I say coldly. The fact that I have Azmi’s number instead of Muzaffer’s on my phone says a lot.

‘Miss, please, he isn’t well.’

I resent Muzaffer for abandoning my mother, for turning his back on her, for letting Iris have everything she had.

The list grows longer when I think about how he’s treated me – his cold stare, his harsh and irritated tone.

He locked me in a room, for fuck’s sake.

He trapped me like an animal in a cage. Like the maiden in the tower.

But I must be an idiot because I still pity him.

He’s just a sad old man.

‘Fine,’ I hear myself say. ‘I’m coming. I need to speak with him, anyway.’

Leon remains withdrawn as we thank Arda for the hospitality and begin our walk to the ferry. Our intimacy seems to have been left behind on the island.

Because I’m a coward who couldn’t say the words, I love you .

We both retreat into our own silences on the ferry, maintaining a cautious gap between us.

Despite the revelations about Mum’s past, I can’t stop myself obsessing over him, from wanting to hold his hand, to look into his eyes again and kiss him.

But he’s hunched over his phone, tactfully ignoring me.

A gull shrieks above us.

What is wrong with me? Leon should be the least of my worries now. I’m still nowhere near breaking the curse. Yet all I can focus on is him.

Love was madness for Chelebi and a disease for Munu, but for me it’s a distraction. An endless yearning.

I love him, I whisper to myself. I shouldn’t, but I still do.

As if he’s read my mind, he moves his gaze to me, and a sad smile forms on his mouth.

‘I’m leaving on Saturday,’ he says.

I’m startled for a second, unable to grasp what he means.

‘For Peru,’ he clarifies. ‘Wasn’t that what you wanted?’

I feel the fluttering again. My heart warns me – whispering the dangers of loving him, loving Mum, loving and trusting anyone – as if a hundred little thorns are pressed against my flesh.

‘I’m happy for you,’ I hear myself mumble. There’s nothing more to say.

When we arrive, Pelin and Azmi are waiting for us outside the house. Pelin spots us from afar and scurries down the slope to the shore – followed by a galloping Azmi – to hug Leon.

Leon says something to her in Turkish, and Pelin waves me goodbye before they turn their backs to head off.

My heart aches, watching Leon leave. But I pushed him, didn’t I? I can’t complain like a child now. At least I’m not fluttering any more – a silver lining to this nightmare. I shift my gaze and am greeted by Azmi’s furrowed brow.

‘Thank goodness you’re here,’ he says. ‘Mr Gümüshus has barely eaten anything since we discovered you’d gone yesterday.

Do you know how worried he is? It’s . . .

It’s almost like when . . .’ He presses his hand to his chest, breathless as we climb back up the slope to the house. ‘Never mind,’ he says as I frown.

‘I’m here now,’ I say. It takes all my willpower not to glance at Leon as he climbs the slope ahead of us.

He can be happy in Peru , I tell myself. It’s for the best.

Him, away from me. Me, away from him.

For the best.