Page 34 of The Book of Heartbreak

Hate is a faithful companion to those who are betrayed and wronged by the ones they hold dearest, for they inflict the deepest wounds. Where love enslaves, hatred is ready to serve.

Excerpt from The Book of Heartbreak, Müneccimbasi Sufi Chelebi’s Journals of Mystical Phenomena

Breathe , I command myself. Count down . Distract yourself .

But all my efforts are futile. Munu’s words plague my ears.

Munu is the maiden, the origin of the curse that has killed me four times.

The only person who loved me is the one who cursed me. Or perhaps that was another lie. Perhaps she never loved me, and I was simply a price she had to pay for creating a curse. It wasn’t fear that held her back from telling me the truth. It was her deceit.

Munu’s betrayal sinks deeper into my skin and I think back to everything she ever did, everything she ever said.

She held my hand the first time I had the fluttering, she made me believe she was my friend.

She whispered malice to me, against everyone else, even my own mother.

She taught me to hate everyone, trust no one but her.

I was a sacrifice, I was a pawn – a token trapped in a bell jar of lies, betrayed by everyone who should have protected me.

My heart sizzles. I didn’t realise how hard I had been fluttering, but now the burning invades my chest, inescapable.

‘One big tragedy, isn’t it? Even messier than I thought.’ Grey, who has been silently observing us, now approaches Munu. He distracts me for a moment. ‘I must ask – is Eudokia registered with the Mortal ID: M1274856567048112?’

Munu stares at him, a hollow shell of herself. ‘How would I know?’ she snaps. ‘I am a mere servant of Five.’

Grey nods. ‘I suspected as such.’

‘He’ll never forgive me,’ Munu whispers, but she doesn’t look like she’s talking to us.

I’m numb, too dizzy with the fluttering in my chest to distract myself.

‘Well, it was a pleasure to meet you all, but it’s time for me to depart,’ Grey says.

‘I need to write a few correspondences. But fear not, dear daughters, I understand how you were treated unjustly. I understand very well. I will be in touch soon.’ Grey waves at Munu.

‘Take care of Sare Sila Silverbirch, now. She does not look well.’

Leon becomes stone still as Grey departs. My knees wobble as I step forward, trying to reach him, and Munu whizzes around my shoulders with desperation.

Fluttering. All I sense is the fluttering until she speaks.

‘Forgive me,’ she whispers. Her eyes are full of sorrow. ‘I failed to protect you from the truth.’

I try to take a breath, but the burning in my chest won’t let me. Her treachery blooms in my lungs like a poisonous flower. I place my hand on my heart as if I can convince it to behave.

‘ Rule . . . number . . . three . . .’ I whisper. ‘ D-death —’

But I can’t speak. The pain comes in waves, a burning that tells me to surrender, to drop to my knees, to sacrifice my life to make it stop.

‘No . . . No, Sare Silverbirch, you will not die because of me. Death –’ Munu’s scream pierces the night – ‘is not an option!’

Death is not an option. I part my lips but no sound comes out.

I wish I could ask Munu if she was only pretending to love me all these years. Or else how can she be so cruel, after everything we’ve been through? I trusted you, I try to say, though my voice has already left me. You were the only friend I had. You were the missing half of my mother. Of myself.

I’m here, I’m not here. I’m alive, I may not be alive. I’ve never been so close to crying.

I close my eyes as Munu weeps.

‘I’m not worth it,’ she says. ‘You cannot be heartbroken because of me – not when you’re so close to eighteen. Please! Look at me!’ she cries. ‘I couldn’t bear it if you die because of me.’

What does it matter? You’re a liar, like my mother. A fraud. A fake.

Why does everyone lie to me?

Sare, my heart sighs. Why do you still trust?

Gravity pulls me down. My lungs deflate. The scars on my palm hurt like stab wounds. I’m falling, and I’m so ready to let go, just so it’ll stop hurting.

I drop to the ground, and the sky is all I see, with the stars seeming to explode above me from the fire in my chest.

This is it, Sare, I tell myself. This is the moment you die for the last time. The life you wanted so dearly is no longer yours. It never will be.

The earthquake should begin soon, then my heart will crack at any minute, and I will be gone forever.

Fight it, a voice inside my head says. Death is not an option. Think of Muzaffer, it insists. You’re all he has. He needs you. He cannot survive another loss.

Muzaffer, whom I didn’t once address as grandfather. Whom I didn’t once hug.

‘I always loved you,’ Munu says, somewhere nearby. ‘No matter what Theodora did to me, I never once saw her in your face.’

She’s stroking my hair now, or perhaps it’s Death, already pulling me across to the Otherside. The burning in my chest is too intense for me to recognise what’s going on any more.

‘Hey!’ A furious voice cuts through the darkness like a dagger. ‘What’s wrong with her?’

Leon .

I want him to leave, so he won’t see me in this miserable state, but the numbness has spread all over my body now.

All of a sudden, I feel lighter, as if I’m floating, but then I feel him – Leon.

He’s scooping me up from the ground, holding me close to his chest. He does it with such ease, as if I was created to fit into his arms, or his arms were created to hold me.

‘What’s happening?’ He lifts me up as if I’m a doll. I’m limp. I’m weak.

I’m going to die in Leon’s arms, I realise in panic.

It’s not fair. None of this is fair.

I must fight it, I must do something before the earthquake starts.

‘What have you done to her?’ Leon cries again.

‘I haven’t— She’s— She’s— It’s the curse!’ Munu stutters. ‘Do something! You brought her here, now you need to save her!’

‘Silverbirch!’ Leon sounds desperate. It’s strange to hear him helpless.

‘Please. Say something. Do you hear me?’ His arms wrap around me like a blanket.

I lean my head against his chest and breathe in his salty scent.

And then his heart begins to drum in my ears.

The thuds of his heartbeats imprint on mine, overruling my own rhythm.

Then there is only his heartbeat and mine, and nothing else in the world.

‘We need to distract her,’ Munu yells.

I force my eyes open to look up at Leon, so I can see his beauty one last time.

But the curse is hungry. It won’t let me see him.

‘Distract her!’ I hear Munu wail.

I can sense Leon’s hesitation. He pulls me closer to himself, as if daring me to fight against the curse.

‘Do something!’ Munu screams, and that’s when I feel Leon lean down and press his lips to mine. And I, who have never been kissed, taste him like freedom.

It’s ironic that a kiss saves me from a heartbreak.

But it does.

He does.

Leon .

When our lips lock, the burning in my heart recedes.

With a new-found fierceness, I reply to his passion with mine.

Our kiss is a wildfire. A portal. An antidote to death’s oblivion.

Time stretches like a lullaby and the burning pain begins to pale.

Soon, the world expands and I’m no longer in the tower but adrift, floating over a sunbrushed field, away from the sea and the darkness.

The beats of my pulse realign with his once more.

My fingers rake through his hair. Our roots intertwine.

In that everlasting moment there is no longer an ancient curse, no more heartbreaks, no towers imprisoning maidens.

Somewhere far away, the waves still lap under a starlit sky.

And I am just a seventeen-year-old girl with a galloping heart.

‘Enough. Leave her alone!’ I hear Munu’s shriek. ‘I said distract her, not suffocate her!’

Munu’s unimpressed voice distracts me from the madness of the moment. The burning in my chest is no more – now it’s my lips that feel on fire.

‘You saved her. How romantic. How reckless,’ Munu buzzes on. ‘Now leave her alone.’

‘Leon.’ How can I ever look into his eyes again, after a kiss like that? ‘I’m okay – to stand.’

Leon hesitates for a few seconds, then helps me back to my feet.

‘And you—’ I turn to Munu. ‘How dare you still speak to me?’

‘Sare—’ Leon frowns with an unreadable expression. ‘Are you sure you’re okay now?’

‘The worst is over.’ My face burns with shame and anger, my lips swollen. ‘Thanks for distracting me.’

Is that fleeting disappointment on Leon’s face?

Now that the fluttering and burning is no more, I realise how presumptuous it is that the first thing he decided to distract me with was a kiss.

I recall Pelin’s words: He likes playing the part of the hero .

The recollection of how fiercely I kissed him back floods me with such embarrassment and shame that I want to jump from the tower and into the waves. I’m a fool.

‘Canim,’ Munu says, distracting me. ‘Get rid of him, please.’

‘No,’ I warn her. ‘First, you tell me everything about the curse. No more lies.’

‘No more lies,’ Munu agrees with a nod. ‘But I demand privacy.’ She gestures at Leon. ‘You will soon be aware of what seers have done to me. I won’t speak in the company of one.’

‘I can’t leave her,’ Leon objects, his jaw clenched with frustration. ‘Silverbirch—’

‘Please leave,’ I urge him, the charred outline of our kiss lifting from my lips. I can’t let him see how weak I am against his charm. ‘This is between Munu and me.’

Hurt clouds his face again. Perhaps I’m imagining it. ‘Fine,’ he concedes with a grunt, then turns to go. ‘I’ll be downstairs. Call me if you need me. I’ll be waiting.’

We watch him disappear. I press my back against the wall, grounding myself in the cool stone. Munu hovers nearby, her wings drooping as if weighed down by memories. Her betrayal settles between us, thick as the humid air. Then at last, Munu speaks.

‘Once upon a time,’ she says, ‘I was mortal. An innocent. And a fool.’

Just like me .