Page 37 of That Same Old Love

It was Mahi’s birthday and she was with her friends for lunch.

“Another one bites the dust… Fourth one now. It’s just all me.

I’m the one that messes up each time. What’s to say…

had Dinesh married someone else, maybe he wouldn’t have turned into an abusive husband.

I must have driven him to behave that way.

And even when I had perfectly good guys who loved me, I just dumped them.

That’s what I usually do. But in Samrat’s case…

it’s for his own good. You’ll see, he’ll bounce back soon and find someone to be happy,” she said with a forced wobbly smile.

Her friends were both outraged and worried.

“Mahi, don’t. There is no excuse for Dinesh’s abusive behavior, and I can’t believe that you are rehashing it again.

We know it and you also know very well that it wasn’t your fault.

And as with Samrat, he might bounce back and find someone, and maybe you will too, given time.

But why is it even needed in the first place?

I don’t believe in soul mates or such bullshit, but anyone with eyes can see that you are both good for each other and love each other,” said Jhanvi.

Her other friends nodded, agreeing with that observation.

“Speak to him Mahi, about your fears of losing another child. I’m pretty sure he already knows that, but tell him about what you went through with Aryan, for making you feel that strongly about not having any more children,” said Ashwini.

“Yes. And knowing Samrat, he will want you back in any way you let him. I’m sure if you had picked up his phone calls in the last two weeks, he would have told you the same,” said Parvathi.

“I know it’s hard Mahi, especially when you have been through so much. But life is unpredictable and you might be pleasantly surprised if you take a chance,” said Smitha softly.

After speaking to her friends, she felt even more torn. She knew that they were being practical, but she wasn’t really convinced that Samrat would be content with just her for long.

Later that night, she had dinner with Rajeev and her aunt. After dinner, Rajeev went to drop his mother at her house and was meeting up some friends.

She was at his house in the guest room. Just as her eyes were about to drift close, her cell phone rang.

It was Samrat. He had been calling almost every other hour the whole day to wish her. He was also sending her multiple text messages.

She answered his call after five rings.

“Happy birthday Mahi. I barely made it on time with just a minute to spare.”

She felt so overwhelmed and choked up listening to his voice; she couldn’t get her voice box to function for several seconds.

“This is Samrat by the way,” he said, laughing softly.

She laughed through her tears. “Samrat?”

“Yes, Mahi?”

She took some deep controlling breaths. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what, Mahi?”

“Sorry for saying that I didn’t want you or love you and for not answering your calls and for hurting you… ” she said, her voice breaking down.

“I’m sorry too, Mahi. For putting you on the spot and demanding things from you when you weren’t ready for them. The only excuse I can give you Mahi… is that I was too tired after my father’s 60th birthday party and wasn’t thinking straight. So I’m sorry too Mahi.”

“No, you weren’t asking for anything unreasonable, Samrat. What you had asked was a natural conclusion to any long term relationship,” she said softly.

“I thought so too, Mahi. But there was more to your reaction that night. Wasn’t it, Mahi?”

“Why are you repeating my name so many times?”

“I missed saying it out loud in the past two weeks. Over the past one year, I used it so many times during most of my conscious hours.”

“God, that was so sappy and cliché… ” she said, her voice breaking.

“I know it is, but it has been strange not hearing your name, except from Srishti who has been asking me about you. I told her that you were taking a vacation. I miss you. Please come back to me, Mahi.”

Her lips wobbled, making it hard for her to speak.

She bit them hard to control herself. “I missed you a lot too Samrat. It was so bad. Everything I did or saw reminded me of you in the last two weeks. Even my freaking car radio with only Telugu and Hindi songs seemed to be conspiring against me, playing songs that are specifically addressing our breakup and loneliness,” she sobbed out.

Samrat sighed. “I listened to some of your crazy and loud music playlists saved on my music systems too. They actually started sounding not so bad to me.”

She could hear the smile in his voice and she smiled, imagining him listening to her songs, probably wincing and then slowly tolerating them.

“What are we doing, Samrat? I still feel guilty for not letting you move on and be happy. I-I really can’t give you a life of marriage or babies.”

He sighed. “I know, Mahi. But I want you as you are. You don’t even have to tell me what scared you again. Come back to me, please. We’ll be just like before. We were happy together and we can be happy again,” he pleaded.

She felt her old insecurities and demons rear up.

“No. You might be happy for a while. But how long can you live an incomplete life like that? Each time you see happy families around you, you’ll want more.

You’ll begin to resent me. You need a woman who can give you the whole package.

And that woman is not me, Samrat. Also… I think it’s mostly the intimacy that you miss.

Before you met me, you were with just one woman all your life…

and Nandini was very innocent. And I… well…

I was pretty skilled and enthusiastic in bed.

You are missing that part of us being together.

There will be other women who can give you that… along with a family,” she said softly.

Samrat was silent for a while. “Don’t be naive Mahi.

I didn’t want to be crass and mention it to you before, but I did have other sexual partners before my wedding and then much later after Nandini passed away.

I was with women who were much more skilled and enthusiastic in bed than you, as you just described.

They were beautiful and successful women who were single and lonely like me.

And I respected them. After setting the right expectations, we satisfied our mutual needs and parted on friendly terms, when our attraction had worn off,” he said.

She was stunned and a little jealous.

Samrat continued talking. “We both started our deal with similar expectations too, but I fell in love with you, Mahi. And it’s not just because of your skills in bed.

I love sharing my life with you, and being with you all the time.

You are messy, argumentative, bossy and you keep changing your mind constantly, driving me crazy…

but those qualities are overshadowed by the fact that you make me laugh, you tease me, you confide in me and then you listen to me and advise me like you are my best friend.

I know you are probably thinking that I’m sounding like a character from a bad romantic movie, but I can now relate to every sappy proposal or declaration of love they show in the movies. ”

She burst out crying.

“I didn’t tell you that to make you cry, Mahi.

I thought you already knew about how I felt.

Well… I know that I’m not the most demonstrative person.

Maybe I should try and be like those romantic heroes in movies or books and make elaborate gestures.

I’m willing to try it for you, if that brings you back to me. ”

She cried harder.

“Mahi, stop. Please don’t cry. You know it makes me sad and helpless for not being there to hug you or to console you.”

She closed her eyes tightly, Samrat’s words reminding her of her son’s.

“Mommy, please don’t cry. You know it makes me feel sad.”

Her son’s words kept repeating in her ear along with the images of losing him. “Sometimes, love alone is not enough Samrat. You deserve better and I hope you find someone worthy to share your life with you. I cannot be that someone.”

“Mahi, I laid out my heart for you and I have begged you to come back to me. I’m going to repeat it again. Please, give us a chance. You don’t have to marry me or even have my children. I just want you back,” he pleaded.

“I can’t. I’m so sorry Samrat. You deserve better and I’m begging you to move on—”

“Stop telling me that! You don’t get to tell me what I deserve or not deserve, and whether or not I should move on. I love you enough for the both of us, and am willing to put my pride aside, and beg you to come back to me.”

“I can’t,” she whispered.

“You can’t or you won’t?” he demanded, sounding angry.

“I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

She could hear him breathing loudly.

“I have already told you this before, Mahi. I want you… ” he said starkly with a slight quiver to his voice.

“I want us to be together, but I can’t chase you each time you push me away.

” And then he took a deep breath. “If you think I’m not worth getting back together, then so be it.

Have a great rest of your life!” he said with finality and hung up.

She knew that she had hurt his pride, by making him beg, and then feel rejected and unwanted.

And knowing him, he would never forgive her for that.

Unless, she made the effort to seek him out to beg for his forgiveness, and then ask him to take her back.

But, she would never do that for his sake. He did deserve someone better.

It was the final death knell to their relationship.

She curled up into a ball and cried herself to sleep that night. Just like the past fifteen nights.