Page 36 of That Same Old Love

When she got home, she showered and wore her night clothes before pulling out some of her son’s photo albums. She watched them often, whenever she got reminded of something funny that Aryan did. She had also shown the pictures to Samrat.

Most of the time, she was happy and smiling while watching the pictures.

Except on two occasions. On Aryan’s birthday and on his first death anniversary.

Each time, Samrat had been next to her, holding her and then listening to her talk endlessly about her son.

She had done the same during Samrat’s daughter’s birthday and death anniversary.

She knew it for sure that Samrat had moved on. He was still sad about the deaths of his daughter and wife, but he had accepted them, and was ready to begin a normal healthy life and start another family.

Unlike her. She was still stuck in grief and anger while living a life of denial.

She was definitely holding him back.

She loved him a lot, but she would never take chances towards losing another child or feeling the pain and loss all over again.

The doorbell rang and she knew it was Samrat.

She put her album back into the shelf and opened the door.

Samrat looked tired and a little annoyed. “Why did you leave the party without letting me know? And why aren’t you answering your phone?”

“I let your parents know that I was leaving. You were quite busy and I didn’t want to disturb you. And my phone is getting charged.”

Samrat rubbed his eyes and yawned, pulling her closer to hug her.

“My mother and father enjoyed the party tonight and they were very excited with our gift—” he broke off and moved a few inches apart to look at her.

“What’s wrong Mahi? What happened? Did anyone do or say something to upset you?

” he asked when she was being very quiet and unresponsive.

She shook her head and pulled him closer to hug him back. “No. Nothing happened. I’m just really tired, since it was a working day and we danced for a long time… I’m glad the party was a success.”

“I wish you hadn’t changed into your night clothes from that Sari. But then, if you hadn’t, I would have started my seduction and probably been asleep halfway,” he said, chuckling sleepily.

She wasn’t in a mood to reply back with a teasing remark.

She was still consumed by guilt since that evening.

“Samrat… your parents want you to marry and have children soon. I think they want that desperately, and I saw how good you were with that toddler at the party. You would make an excellent father again someday.”

Samrat smiled. “I do like children… especially their minds. It’s pretty fascinating how they think and reason when all the rules and society influences haven’t molded their minds yet. Anyway, you would be an excellent mother again too, Mahi,” he said rocking them slightly.

She looked up at him, “I don’t have your similar fascination towards small children, Samrat.

I was never the kind to run towards a stranger’s kid to chat them up or to play with them.

I’m not very maternal by nature, and the only kids I loved were my own son and my nephew.

And Rajeev too, since he was born in my house and I was there during his first eight years. ”

Samrat laughed. “Thank god you loved some children… you’ll love our children too then,” he teased and then groaned.

“I’m too tired to start anything now… but is this talk about you letting me know that you would want to have a baby with me someday?

Did seeing my married parents happy, make you see reason finally? ”

She didn’t reply.

Samrat’s smile widened. “And here I thought, I will need to waste my wish to ask you to marry me. And then after a decent period of time, when I’m very bored of you, you would have my baby,” he teased.

She didn’t return his smile. “Samrat… I will never marry you and I will never ever have your child or anyone else’s child in my lifetime.”

Samrat’s smile froze and he looked stunned at her matter of fact tone. “What?” he stared at her and then his arms dropped from her when he realized she was being very serious.

Her mouth began to water and her lips tingled, but not in a sensation for wanting to kiss. It was because she was getting the urge to lash out and say something extremely hurtful.

Dropping her arms from around him, she moved away to lean back on one of the walls.”Did you think you were so special that you miraculously healed me? And made me change my decision about marriage or babies since the last year?” she asked, knowing very well that she was being deliberately hurtful.

She wanted to make him angry. Angry enough to lash out at her and then to storm out from her life.

Samrat looked at her coldly. “Actually yes. I did think that I healed you. Healed you enough to maybe make you change your mind about marriage and children. Because you healed me, and changed my mind.”

She scoffed, even though her heart was breaking. She lashed out in another attack, which was her defense to hit him where he was the most vulnerable.

“Good for you then. Replace your dead wife and kid with another set. Preethi and her son are waiting. You can get two birds in one shot and later make several little add-ons to expand your family. And if you don’t like that choice, then go buy yourself a bride who will breed your children.

You still have your looks and plenty of money to pick from the best available stock. ”

Samrat looked furious and reached out a hand towards her. She automatically flinched and covered her head using both hands in a protective gesture.

Samrat froze in the act of reaching for his house keys on the wall peg above her.

When Mahi realized that there was no oncoming blow, she slowly looked up at him.

Samrat looked both shocked and furious. “What the hell did you just do?” he asked, as quietly as he could.

She felt foolish. Over the past year, even though she drove him crazy sometimes, not once did he raise as much as his pinky finger towards her in violence.

And whenever she pushed him too hard, at most he yelled at her and she yelled back at him.

Now, she felt stupid and didn’t know what to say to him about her reaction.

“I-I was just… just—” she broke off not knowing how to distract him.

Samrat looked at her intently. “Your ex-husband. Did he hurt you?” he asked in a controlled tone.

Mahi was embarrassed, especially since she put on such a deliberately brave and cocky front in front of him. It had become a natural persona since the last year, and she had always been that way most of her life except during her marriage.

She was ashamed that her ex-husband had eventually driven the bravado and cockiness out of her, along with her confidence and pride.

Samrat held her chin and she still flinched slightly before looking into his face.

“Were you physically abused by your husband?” he asked her specifically.

She tried to turn away, but his hand held her chin firmly while watching her face very carefully.

She felt the sting behind her eyes and knew she was about to have a breakdown. “He didn’t hit me hard enough to hurt or show! But it hurt my pride and made me feel worthless. Are you happy? Do you want to go pat him on his back for being able to tame the bitch! Breaking her!” she shouted.

Samrat was bracing himself even though he guessed the answer already. But when she confirmed it, his heart still stopped and clenched painfully. When it started beating again, he felt different emotions overwhelm him. Anger, disgust, protectiveness, love and the strangest of all— jealousy.

“No. I’m not happy. Far from it. Your ex is a disgusting animal. Why didn’t you tell me everything about how it was during your marriage?” he demanded.

She sniffed and angrily brushed away her tears with the back of her hands. “I hate talking about it. I was a doormat then and I promised myself to never be one again.”

He held her arms. “No one expects you to be a doormat. Over the past year since we have been together, I’ve always treated you with respect and as an equal partner. You know damn well I can never lift a finger to hurt someone defenseless or weaker.”

She didn’t answer. She knew he was right, but her head was too messed up since that evening.

The feeling of jealousy persisted with him. “Did your friends know about what you had been through? Did you tell them about the physical abuse?” he asked softly.

Mahi knew where he was going with the questioning. “Yes,” she muttered and grimaced.

He was quiet for a few seconds.

“Why Mahi? Why them and not me? Have I ever given you an opportunity to think I could not be trusted with your secrets? I’ve told you about my wife, my daughter and even my dreams for our future.

I bared myself for you. I thought you had done the same with me.

Why didn’t you tell me everything?” he asked her intently.

She was almost tempted to blurt out a flip comment about him sounding like an overwrought emotional girl and to maybe man up a little.

But she knew what he had asked was something she thought about as well.

Why hadn’t she bared it all to him? Tell him about how her son had always been sick until he eventually passed away?

She looked at the floor like it held answers. “Maybe because… even though I trust you completely with my body, I don’t trust you with my heart,” she half lied. Then she looked up at him. “I shouldn’t have started this thing with you… It was a mistake.”

Samrat’s expression slowly changed from agonized to desperation. Helpless panic rose within him as he felt her trying to slip away from him and his life.

He clung to her. “Stop it. I know you very well. You don’t lash out at me with nonsense, unless something happened to scare you again.

And what happened during your marriage definitely did not break you.

You are a survivor and a fighter! You wouldn’t have started a relationship with me if you were still scared of being with another man.

It’s something else that has scared you.

Is it something to do with Aryan? Tell me what it is.

Don’t shut me out. Talk to me!” he demanded.

She shook her head, tears flowing down her cheeks. “It’s over Samrat. You said we would end this deal when one of us wants an out. I want out,” she sobbed.

“No. Don’t. Stop it,” he rasped.

But she continued shaking her head. “I got into a relationship with you, thinking that we both didn’t want love, or marriage, or even children.

We both enjoy sex and we are both good at sex.

And we also enjoy our careers and spending time with relatives and friends.

I thought we would be content with all of that. ”

Samrat cupped her face and looked at her, “I don’t want to be content with that. I want more. I love you and I want all of you.”

Mahi shook her head again, and before she could say anything, “I want you to want the same!” he demanded.

“I’m sorry, Samrat. I can’t give you what you need,” she said softly.

“Please, give me a chance,” he begged.

She looked at him through tears. “I am. I’m giving you the chance to get away from me. To live a happy and a whole life. Please go. I’m begging you.”

He looked at her angrily and in pain. “You are a fool. You think you are being so noble and self-sacrificing, but you are not. You are hiding from the world, afraid to take any chances because you don’t want to get hurt again.

I understand you, because I was the same for a long time too.

But I can’t chase you forever. I need you to want me back as well and try taking chances. Will you?” he asked.

With tears streaming in her eyes, she shook her head. “No,” she whispered.

He watched her quietly for a few seconds, and then grabbed the keys from the wall peg, to go out from her house, and then from her life.