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Chapter Thirty-Three
FALLON
As soon as Mackenzie left, I started walking after her, but I didn’t get very far. When her friends stopped me to ask what happened, I couldn’t hide the tears.
I was breaking down over another woman. That only made me more upset. We weren’t even dating—not really—so why did I care so much?
I didn’t give them any details as I said goodbye and went home.
When I reached my floor, my steps faltered at the sight of Mackenzie approaching her apartment. I stood there for a second, waiting for her to go inside.
She didn’t. Instead, she headed toward the stairwell at the other end of the hall—the one that led to the roof.
Good. I hoped she got locked out. Not really, but seriously, what the hell just happened? We had agreed to do our own thing, and that’s exactly what I was doing.
Although I’d never admit it to Mackenzie, I was relieved that Cara had left. The kiss had been good, but she was right—she wasn’t my type. She wasn’t a brunette with ocean eyes.
Mackenzie had a date last week, and maybe I wasn’t as okay with it as I thought I was. Maybe I was just trying to get her out of my head by going out with Cara.
That still didn’t give her the right to ruin my date, bring me close to coming, and then storm off. I wasn’t sure which part pissed me off more.
I walked to my apartment and took out my keys to unlock the door, but I froze, undecided.
Do I go after her and get answers, or do I go inside and move on? We weren’t technically dating, so I shouldn’t care.
She should be the one to find me—I didn’t do anything wrong!
“Goddammit!” I yelled, squeezing my hands into fists.
I turned and headed for the roof, pissed at myself for always being the one to right someone else’s wrong. I wouldn’t give in so easily, though. There was a lot of damage control to be done, and I wasn’t going to be the one to do it.
I propped the door open and stormed toward Mackenzie, who was sitting in a chair facing the street, her head tilted back like she didn’t have a care in the world. The picture of calm. That made one of us.
“What the fuck, Mackenzie?!” I shouted, throwing my arms up.
“What?” She answered so calmly, as if nothing had happened all night.
I stood in front of her, where her feet were propped on a table, and I kicked it out of the way.
“Hey!” she snapped.
“What is wrong with you?! You fuck me in a bathroom at some bar after you ruin my date, and then you storm off without an explanation?!”
She furrowed her brows. “I didn’t storm off. And you weren’t complaining in the bathroom,” she replied.
I narrowed my eyes. “Really? Are you fucking serious right now?! Yes, you did. And you spilled a drink on her.”
“I told you, I tripped.”
“Bullshit!” I yelled. “And what about calling me ‘baby girl’?! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was, Mackenzie?! You were completely out of line!”
“Was I wrong?”
She couldn’t have been serious. I didn’t understand what was happening. She was acting as if I were the crazy one here, as if my feelings meant nothing to her.
I glared. “Jesus, Mackenzie! That’s not even the point, and you know it!”
She sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. It was a shitty way to go about it. I wasn’t thinking, but you looked like you needed saving.” She got out of her chair and walked over to the ledge.
Why was she being so calm right now? Acting so weird? Meanwhile, my blood was boiling, and I was seconds away from throwing her off the goddamn roof.
“Saving from what? A good time? Because that’s what I was having before you got there, and that is not for you to decide!” I yelled.
She stopped and turned toward me, but I didn’t let her get a word out. “You don’t get to decide when or if I need saving from anyone. We are not together!” I let out a long breath. “We agreed to keep things casual, remember?”
“I know! How could I forget?” she yelled back. “We’re doing our own things… I know I shouldn’t have handled things the way I did. I’m sorry. You got upset when I told you I had a date that night.”
I opened my mouth to say something, but she kept going.
“And don’t tell me you didn’t, Fallon. I know you did. And I got upset tonight. Let’s just move on. We’re keeping it casual, right?”
“Yeah, well, we should’ve never agreed to that in the first place. I knew it would get like this.” Tears started falling down my face, but I brushed them away.
She turned slowly to me, her eyebrows lowering in confusion. “Like what, Fallon?”
“Like this!” I gestured between us. “Weird and uncomfortable… infuriating!” I said through gritted teeth.
“I knew it from the first time we kissed. The second our lips touched, I knew it would be a huge mistake. The first time we had sex, I knew it too. And yet, I wanted to make those mistakes—even knowing it would end badly. In that moment, I didn’t care. I couldn’t deny my feelings for you any longer, and I was so tired of fighting it.”
She looked away, and I shouldn’t have been surprised when she didn’t say anything.
“I never should’ve had that party,” I said softly. I hugged myself tightly, as if trying to shield myself from the world.
She turned to look at me. “What? Fallon, what does that party have to do with anything?”
“It has to do with everything, Mackenzie!” I started. I turned to walk away, rubbing my face, and then stopped to turn and face her again.
“If I wouldn’t have had the party, I wouldn’t have met you, and we wouldn’t have fought that night. And if I wouldn’t have met you, I…” I stopped myself. Now was not the time.
“You would be happy.” She said it like it was final. Like there was no room for argument. No room for the truth. How could she really think that? I was up there fighting for us, and she thought I regretted everything?
Her voice was sad, as if she’d already accepted some inevitable truth that hadn’t even crossed my mind.
I shook my head. “No, that’s not?—”
“You wouldn’t be up here, fighting with me,” she cut in. “You never would’ve made the mistake of kissing me. You’d be happy, maybe even up here with someone else, not fighting.” She turned back to lean over the ledge, staring up at the night sky.
“Is that what you think, Mackenzie? You think I would be happy with someone else if I never met you? You think I would be happy at all if you never showed up in my life?” I scoffed.
This infuriating woman! She had no idea what she did to me, or what she meant to me. Could she not tell by how hurt I was over all of this, just how much of me she really had?
“And I’m the only one fighting here. You aren’t saying a damn thing!”
“What do you want me to say, Fallon? You’ve already said everything! Do you want me to admit that, no, we’re not together, but we both got jealous? Is that what you want to hear? That I was so fucking jealous of Cara? That it killed me to see you kiss her and realize I’m not the only one you give your genuine smiles to? I know it shouldn’t have, but goddammit, Fallon, it did! Okay? Is that what you want to hear?”
“I am so tired of this back-and-forth bullshit, Mackenzie! We agreed to keep things casual.”
“I know,” she said softly.
“And we both did that, with Cara, apparently. But I didn’t ‘trip’ into your date and mention very personal things about you.”
“I know, Fallon.” She sighed, refusing to meet my eyes.
“And the one time I tried to do my own thing, Mackenzie… the one time I tried to get you out of my fucking head, you had to ruin it. Why?”
“I don’t know, I?—”
“You what, Mackenzie?" I yelled. “You like playing games? You like messing with my head, making me think you care about me one day, then you don’t give a shit the next?”
“What? No, Fallon, that’s not?—”
“I can’t keep doing this, Mackenzie. Keeping it casual doesn’t mean getting jealous and making a scene. It doesn’t mean feeling like your heart is being ripped out when the other person mentions they have a date with someone else after they’ve just been with you, making you feel like you’re the only thing that matters in this world.”
I paused, waiting for her to respond. When she stayed silent, I spoke again, my voice quiet but firm. “What are we doing?”
She didn’t say anything. I exhaled, a chuckle escaping my lips, knowing she wouldn’t answer. Instead of staying to fight, I turned to walk away. I wouldn’t beg someone to love me again.
But before I could make it more than five steps, she grabbed my wrist, and I stopped. “Fallon, please.”
She let go, and I turned to face her. “What, Mackenzie?”
“I’m sorry.” That was all she said. Did she even know what she was apologizing for?
“Yeah, me, too,” I replied, my voice quieter but still heavy with frustration.
I turned back toward the door. Before I could create distance between us, she spoke again. “Don’t go, Fallon, please.”
“Why?” I narrowed my eyes. “So I can keep yelling, and you stay quiet? Or so I can stay quiet and you start yelling, but we don’t actually say anything? What are we doing, Mackenzie?”
She sighed. “I don’t know, Fallon. I?—”
I scoffed. “I know.”
I tried to walk away, but she grabbed my wrist again. “Fallon.”
I turned around and started yelling louder, yanking my wrist from her grasp. “I swear to God, Mackenzie, if you stop me one more time, and don’t say a fucking thing, I’m going to toss you off this roof! What do you want?!”
“I fucking want you , okay?!”
Her words stopped my breath, stopped the blood from flowing through my veins, stopped… everything.
“What?” I said in a quiet breath.
“Fuck, Fallon! Do you have any idea what it did to me, seeing you there with her? Do you know how it felt when I saw you kiss her and touch her? I hate how I reacted—it was so fucked up. I know that, I just…” She groaned as if in physical pain. “I hate the effect you have on me! You’re all I can think about, all the time, and I hate it. I don’t want to think about your laugh or those goddamn freckles.”
I let out a tearful laugh, but she kept going. “I don’t want to think about how it feels when you’re near me or the sensation of your skin on mine. I don’t want to think about how much I just want to be around you and learn everything there is to know about you, but I do.” She sighed. “I’m fucking scared, okay? I’ve never felt anything like this before, and I’m terrified. I want you—way more than I should—and I don’t want to. I can’t.”
I stood there, tears filling my eyes. “It’s just a physical want,” I said softly. “That’s why you agreed to keep it casual, right?”
She laughed, shaking her head. “I agreed because that’s what you wanted, and I couldn’t stomach the thought of not having any part of you at all.”
She took a step closer. “If it was just physical, Fallon, I wouldn’t still be here. I wouldn’t have cared if you were on a date with Cara or anyone else. I wouldn’t have been terrified when I heard you screaming that night. I wouldn’t have been so angry that someone made you so scared, and I wouldn’t want to do anything—absolutely anything—to make sure you always feel safe. You asked me two questions: what’s wrong with me, and what do I want? You are the answer.” She sighed heavily and turned to walk away.
“Wildcat?” I wiped a few tears from my face. I was scared, too, but I had to give my heart what it wanted.
She stopped, but didn’t turn around. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to be brave for once. “Tell me.”
She slightly turned her head toward me, a crease forming in the middle of her forehead. “Tell you what?”
I smiled. “Tell me not to kiss you.”
She turned around completely. “What?”
I laughed and took a few steps toward her. “Tell me not to kiss you.”
“After everything, you still want me?”
I walked over to her, playing with a stray piece of her hair, and looked into her eyes, silently begging for her to understand. “I don’t want to talk anymore tonight. You said you want me, so show me.”
“I told you, it’s not just physical for me, Fallon.”
“I know, and I believe you. It’s not just physical for me either. I don’t think it ever was.”
She smiled. “I don’t think so, either. So, what now? What do you want?”
What did I want? I wanted to hold her close and never let her go. “I want to kiss you, Kenzie. Please tell me I can?”
She grinned, cupping the side of my face. “Baby, you can have anything you want.”
Table of Contents
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- Page 30
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- Page 32
- Page 33 (Reading here)
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- Page 38
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- Page 51