Page 42 of Taking A Chance
“Petra, I went to the Embassy because the chances are that there would be a decent hotel nearby. I have no intentions of taking Viktoria away from you.” I can see that she is visibly shaking, so when we come to a park bench, I stop and gesture for her to sit. She takes a seat once she positions the stroller, so Viktoria is looking out towards the river. I sit beside her, close enough so I can talk quietly, but not close enough to make her uncomfortable. “When I left, I was crazy mad, and I needed time to think. Petra, I’d found out that I’m a dad, the last thing I expected when I came looking for you. It blew my mind.”
“Why did you come looking for me?”
“Don’t you think it should be me that gets to ask the questions?” I reply, my eyebrow raised. She tries to give off an air of confidence, but the way she shuffles uncomfortably in her seat, tells me a different story. Then she straightens her back, sits upright, with her hands gripping the seat at each side of her knees, before she finally speaks with a weak attempt at strength and determination.
“Okay, so what do you want to know, Cade?”
“Did you know you were pregnant when you called it off?”
“Yes.”
“But you said you were okay, that you were on the pill.”
“Yeah! But apparently being travel sick, then throwing up after a shit load of champagne the very next day, can, as my doctor had great pleasure in telling me,” she air quotes, “reduce the level of protection and reliability of your contraceptive pill.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me, instead of lying and feeding me all that bullshit?” I keep the volume and tone of my voice as steady as possible, considering the emotion raging within me.
“Because it was clear that was the last thing you wanted to be stuck with.” This time it was her that was shouting. The stroller moved suddenly as a cry rang out. Instantly, she was on her feet, moving around to the front to comfort Viktoria. “Hush baby, it’s okay.” She strokes the side of the little girl's face before placing a handful of peppered kisses along her forehead. “Mummy’s sorry for shouting. It’s okay.” Unfastening the belt, she lifts her out of the stroller seat and brings her to sit on her knee.
Viktoria looks at me with big tear-filled eyes, and I melt.
“How could you be so sure, when you didn’t even give me the curtesy to choose?” I speak quietly, so not to upset the now nearly settled child. With my index finger, I go to stroke the back of her hand, but she reaches out and grabs it, wrapping her tiny fist around it.
“I heard you talking to Isaac and Ben, the morning after the wedding.” My confused expression prompts her to continue. “What was it you said now?” she taps her finger on her chin in an exaggerated way, while holding tight to Viktoria. Her arm wrapped around her waist, holding her firmly on her lap. “You’re well and truly trapped this time. Ball, chain and another kid on the way. Oh, yes, and what was the other thing you said… ‘Rather you than me, brother. You’re well and truly pussy whipped this time.’”
“I was winding my brother up.”
“Really?” she sniggers, “What about when you were talking about the case you lost. You made it pretty clear that you were glad that you didn’t have the responsibility of a family and kids.”
“I was, at the time,” I exhale. “Look, I never wanted to have a serious relationship. Marriage, kids and the commitment that comes with it.”
“What, so I should have told you so you could reject me, make me look like a stupid, naïve woman who should know better?” She makes to stand, but the gentle pressure of my hand on her arms stops her and she drops back onto the bench.
“That was then. This is now, Petra.”
“So, what changed your mind? Just because you got me pregnant, doesn’t mean you can change your mind like the flick of a switch.” She looks me in the eye, something she’s done very little of since we started this tense conversation. “It’s not a game, Cade. It’s not like you can play the doting parent when it suits you. It’s a lifetime commitment.”
“If that’s the case, then why are you leaving her here while you fly back to Bath?” As soon as the words leave me, I’m full of remorse. The painful look on her face does nothing but intensify it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“If you must know, I go back to Bath every Sunday night, so at least I have a job with decent money. Don’t you think I tried to get work here? I’m sick to death of filling out application forms, trying to get a job with decent pay. But as soon as they find out I have a baby, then miraculously they have someone more,” she makes another air quote, this time one-handed, “suitable for the job.” She puts on her best fake smile as she looks down at her child. Moving Viktoria to the ground, so her little shoes hit the floor, I watch as Petra holds her hand to help support her stance. “But I continue to try, do you know why?” her head tilts forward and a single tear hits the fabric covering her knee.
“Because every Sunday when I leave to catch that plane, my heart is left behind.” The pitch of her voice is high and the last few words are cracked. The tears come more readily now and I can’t stop myself from reaching out to her. Before my hand makes contact, she halts me with her free hand.
“So, don’t think for one minute that I leave her because I want to. I do it because I have to.” As I’m about to say my piece, Viktoria reaches her hands up to be lifted. I sit for a moment, unsure at first, but then elation takes its place when I realise she’s reaching up to me. I quickly glance at Petra, and she gives me a nod of approval. I bring Viktoria up and on to my knee, her face turned towards me, constantly watching. Laying her palm flat against my cheek, I can feel the softness of her skin as she holds it there. The angelic smile that lights up her face, the sparkle that dances in her eyes, has me swallowing hard to hold down the emotion that is fighting to escape.
“Hello Viktoria.” She giggles and throws her head back. The sudden movement and the fear that she may fall, has me wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close to my chest. Petra laughs at my obvious fear, at which Viktoria joins in with her sweet little giggle.
“Hey! That’s not funny. I thought I was going to drop her.”
“Cade, relax,” she rubs my upper arm. “She’s fine.”
Viktoria snuggles against my chest, her hands clutching the fabric at the shoulders of my jacket. The warmth that radiates through me from her closeness fuels the build-up of the unconditional love that I undoubtedly feel for my daughter. My daughter, my blood, my life.
“You changed my mind,” I say with clarity. “Before, you asked me what changed my mind, Petra. It was you.”
“I don’t understand,” she gasps out.
“You’re right, you are absolutely right. I wasn’t looking for a wife, a family. Hell, I didn’t even want a girlfriend. But when I met you, you changed everything. Your sass, exceptional wit and your strength is so incredibly sexy, drawing me in, making me want to spend every moment with you. When I saw your vulnerable side, that flash of fear in your eyes, I wanted to protect you, shield you from everything that might cause you pain. Find the reason why your fear existed and eliminate it so I never see it adorn that beautiful face again.” I stop and take a breath. Considering I’m a lawyer who has to be articulate and precise when putting the point across, I’m finding it damn hard to express myself. “You fired a spark in me that made me want all that, but only if I could have it with you.”