Page 54 of Someone Else's Wolf

"Gonna be a damned long time, Shane." He sounded choked up, looking away from me as he spoke, like he could barely face what he was saying, much less me.

"That's what I like to hear. Come here."

Finally, he let me embrace him. Sometimes, that helped. And sometimes that evil bastard was like a third presence filling the house, breathing heavily and staring at us from every corner.

Other times, it was just like before. Even better, because neither of us was hiding from how we felt about each other now.

Peter put his own house on the market. We discussed moving from my place to somewhere we'd choose together, either to rent or buy, with a kitchen to suit his needs so it felt like it was his, too, rather than that he was a guest. We talked about it, but ended up agreeing that we didn't need one more thing on our plates right now, and it could wait.

We didn't have unprotected sex anymore. Neither of us would feel safe doing that until he'd tested clean for quite some time. Because, yes, his mate had still used him for sex when he wanted, when he couldn't find anyone else, and lord knows that asshole hadn't been very concerned with safety.

Peter had required treatment for sexually transmitted diseases several times in his life, always because of Jeffrey. Like so much else in his life, he'd simply accepted it because he didn't know any other way things could be.

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When he wanted to discuss it, Peter shared more of his life with me, and I listened avidly. Sometimes it was difficult to hear, but it was worth it.

If it hadn't been abundantly clear before, it was now: his mate's original incarceration was the best thing that could have happened for Peter. There was no one to boss him around and control his life. Even so, he'd floundered for a while before he discovered that he really did have his own opinions, dreams, goals, and habits.

For a while, he'd worked in a kitchen, learning to cook even better than he'd already known how, reveling in lots of good food and the joy of making nourishing things for people who actually appreciated it. For all that Jeffrey had eaten his cooking, he could be nit-picky and as mean about that as he was about everything else. Compared to him, diner customers seemed positively encouraging.

That job had helped Peter gain some much-needed confidence. After it got shut down due to a couple of illegal practices and food safety violations, including hiring Peter, who was being paid under the counter along with most of the other staff, he'd struggled a lot, unable to find another kitchen that would hire him without any real training or references. Since he was still quite young (though he often didn't feel like it), he wasn't taken particularly seriously. Still, he managed to find work, and worked at several different jobs through the next couple of years.

Every once in a while, he thought about going to culinary school, but never quite believed he had what it would take, much less what it would cost. He learned a lot during those years, though he never gained much confidence. His job as a fake boyfriend helped him gain a bit more confidence, because it meant he had to talk to people, however awkwardly. Practice improved his skills immeasurably.

When the opportunity arose for him to use his wolf senses as a skill instead, he took the risk and entered the S&P training course, not expecting to actually pass. Instead, he found himself a much-desired wolf there, thanks to his quiet ways and his skill in the tests.

The note in his file about Jeffrey wasn't enough to keep him out of the program or discourage possible partners. The rough, cutthroat environment was a little tough on him, though. The wolves were competitive, the non-shifters were competitive, and Peter, who shrank from conflict, found it difficult to cope.

Then Sue entered his life. She was so strong and brave, his protector. She helped him through troublesome social situations, stuck up for him when he made a fool of himself, kept other people from harassing him — generally stepped into a role in his life that he hadn't known he still wanted: someone who would be kind to him and stand in his corner, and not let him be hurt.

Choosing her as his final partner hadn't been hard at all. Starting a new, scary job was much less intimidating with Sue in his corner. She was the first person in his life who was on his side unconditionally. He loved her for it, and always would.

Then he met me, and strange new feelings had started up. It had been uncomfortable for him to discover that he wanted to be around me. He'd worried about me, and could hardly stay away (or keep his hands off me). It was embarrassing, and he didn't know what it meant. He'd tried very hard not to know what it meant.

As our relationship progressed, growing deeper and deeper, taking up a bigger part of each of our lives, he told himself guiltily that he had a mate, but it was okay because this wasn't serious. Jeffrey had always said they weren't going to be exclusive sexually. Peter had just never wanted to branch out much himself.

He had, in the past, though, while he was trying to find his place. He'd slept with several guys to fill his loneliness, and he'd learned a lot about what he liked, more skills than he'd ever gotten to practice during his years of being mated to Jeffrey. He'd learned what it was like to have a say over his own body, to enjoy himself — but it was never quite right, either. He'd always felt like something was missing, and had figured it was Jeffrey. So, nothing had lasted — until I came along.

Me, he couldn't get enough of. The feelings that had grown so strong in me were mirrored — at least — in him. But he couldn't say that, couldn't admit it, or he'd have had to end our relationship. His loyalty to Jeffrey still ran painfully deep. How many nights did he lie awake, tormented by his disloyalty, stewing in guilt?

It had hurt him so much to believe he was betraying everything he believed. And yet, he couldn't give me up. He and I had walked that tightrope for some time before everything went to hell. Then I was gone, and Jeffrey walked back in to start the cycle of abuse all over again. He quickly reduced Peter to the cringing wolf he'd once been, the one who had no real say in his own life — the one who was always jumpy, desperately trying to avoid Jeffrey's wrath, trying to guess what Jeffrey would want and anticipate what to avoid doing, saying, thinking, feeling.

It had been so hard, much harder than it had been when he was young and didn't know things could be different and better. Love was supposed to go both ways, in actions and not just words, and not control and threats. Sue went out of her mind with wrath, but she couldn't protect him from what was happening. He knew he deserved it, for how he felt about me.

And then I'd confessed the way I'd felt about him, too, and something had started to gel for him. Maybe he didn't have to spend the rest of his life with Jeffrey. Maybe he could start over again, on his own, no matter what Jeffrey said.

Now, here he was, not on his own, but back, miraculously, with me — the guy who still loved him after all.

I tried hard not to make him feel trapped, like he had to stay with me. But I also held him as tight as I could, because sometimes it hurt to breathe when I thought about losing him again.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

I rolled over and sighed, wrapping myself around Peter. "You okay?"

We'd just had some amazing sex. He really did know how to use his body — and mine. Jeffrey disappeared completely off the map when he did. We had delicious chemistry together.

But sometimes, afterwards, he withdrew. It kind of hurt, because he used to want to cuddle. But I understood now that he was dealing with things I might never fully understand. Sometimes he seemed disconnected, like he'd lost all his confidence, like he felt dirty, not worthy of touching. Fortunately, those times were less and less frequent, but I still liked to check whether he was okay after we'd had sex.