Page 51

You can’t ignore me forever. No getting away this time. I’m in your head. Always with you.

Kara’s woken from a restless sleep by a familiar voice. Harsh and grating, with a bullet wound oozing blood from his temple. She keeps her eyes closed, letting her throbbing head and Wade’s arms around her both serve as distractions.

They’ve stretched out on the sofa like lovers. She’d appreciate it a whole lot more if she wasn’t in the middle of trying to ignore the ghosts of all the people she’s killed.

You missed me? Yeah, you did. Can’t get rid of me now.

This one was an early shot from her sniper rifle, only a few weeks into her new quest, once she realized Silas had Wade. She never even spoke to this man. Never heard his voice. Never gave him a chance to surrender or help. She shot him from two side streets away, perched atop a hill.

It’s not real, she tells herself. One hit on the head or a few days without sleep and her traitorous mind will jump at the chance to manifest her guilt.

Wade’s passed out cold, and she selfishly considers waking him. He’s the only thing that quiets the constant stream of vitriol. She isn’t sure how long she’ll last alone.

He was lying. All those things he said about you. Talking you up like some superhero. Lies. All of it. He just thinks you’ll crack and be an extra burden. Drag him down.

Reluctantly, she lifts her head to peer down at a relaxed Wade who needs his sleep much as she does. She won’t give in and pester him. Nothing he can do anyway. She has to handle this alone, like she does everything else.

Do you really think he could look at you the same again if he knew what you did in his name? If he knew how many people you killed to save him?

She pushes herself up, very pointedly does not look at the translucent man where he’s leaned against the desk in the corner, and moves across the room to check her condition in a worn mirror.

Not as bad as she thought. Not great either.

Carefully, she tries to put herself back together, wiping at dried blood in her hairline and dirt on her neck, finger-combing wild strands of hair to flatten them.

You couldn’t pay him to fuck you now, looking like this. That’s before he even gets wind of what you’ve done.

“Stop.” She regrets her reply instantly. It’ll only encourage him.

There she is! Why don’t you tell him the tally you’ve kept? Let him see your body count. Tell him about that family you slaughtered.

“That’s not how it happened and you know it.

How many families did Silas kill? More than me.

How many communities did his men flatten?

How many defectors did they leave out for the rotters to tear apart?

They couldn’t be reasoned with. I couldn’t just go in and state my case.

I never knew there was a child in the building.

I never knew. There never had been before. ”

Oh yeah? Think that matters? You never asked. You never looked first. You murdered her parents in cold blood. Go on and tell Wade. Give him another burden to carry for you. See if he cares about intention. See if he’s still grateful after he knows what it costs to find him.”

“That’s enough,” she growls, glancing back at Wade, who thankfully hasn’t been disturbed by her current meltdown.

The urge to wake him is so strong she nearly takes a step, but it’s not his job to keep her from breaking. This isn’t what he signed up for. She can handle it.

Do yourself a favor and admit he’ll never want you. How could he? He doesn’t even know the real you. How could you be with him without telling him what you’ve done? You say it doesn’t matter anymore ‘cause it’s been so long but I know better.

She squeezes her eyes shut, pacing the small space between the door as her thumb and forefinger caress the same spot where the hair tie would be.

If he wanted you, he would have done something about it a long, long time ago. All this pining is just pathetic. He only feels beholden to you now because you saved his life.

“That isn’t true,” she whispers quietly, arms wrapped around herself as she stares at the door. “He would understand if I told him the truth.”

If you really believed that, you’d have told him everything by now.

But you haven’t. Because you know he’s always seen you as a wild card, a hazard, a danger.

If you tell him you ruined a little girl’s life by taking her parents away, then he’ll know you’ve finally lost what little part of your soul was hanging on by a thread.

“Kara?”

She turns abruptly at Wade’s worried voice, surprised to find him standing close behind her. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Whatcha doing? Heard you talking.”

“Nothing. I’m fine. I feel okay.”

He only stares sadly, palming her shoulder to let his thumb wave light across the fabric of her shirt.

See? He doesn’t even believe you ‘cause he knows you’re a goddamn liar. Match made in heaven here. Can I come to the wedding? That should be an entertaining shit show?

“Stop,” she says again, her hands coming up to cover her face as if to shield herself.

“Still seeing things?” Wade asks, carefully.

“I know it’s not real. I know it’s a hallucination.”

Fuck, forget this secret. You can’t even tell him what you want. Hell, won’t admit it to yourself. Go on, tell him. Say what you really want and see what happens. Tell him you’ve been in love with him since the day you met. Bet you won’t.

“I can’t,” she whispers.

“Listen to me. Whatever you’re seeing or hearing, it’s not true.”

“What if it is? What if it’s all true?”

Gently, Wade pries her hands away from her face and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear with a slow stroke.

It’s as surprising as it is tender, grabbing her full attention as she waits impatiently for what he’ll say next, hating how badly she needs his validation and unable to keep from craving it.

“I wish you could see what I do when I look at you,” he replies softly.

“What do you see?”

“The best person I know. The bravest. The only one I trust.”

Betcha won’t say it. Betcha won’t. Dare you to. Come on. Do it.

“You don’t have to fight this alone,” he continues. “Let me be on your side. Let me help you.”

Alone is how she handles everything. She’s spent so long pushing him away when she needs him most that it takes a conscious effort not to do it again.

Too scared to say what you feel. What if things change and get weird?

What if he turns away in disgust, because of course he will?

What if he leaves like everyone else you loved always has?

All you do is lose people. That’s you, baby.

That’s always gonna be you. You got abandonment issues a mile wide and a canyon deep.

That shit’s too much for anyone to deal with.

Prove me wrong. Tell him your secrets and the contents of your shattered heart, and let’s see if he stays.

“I don’t know how,” she gasps, emotion collecting in her chest and squeezing tight.

“How to do what?”

“Let you help me. There are things you don’t know, Wade. And when you find out, you might see me differently.”

Oddly, Wade takes this as a good thing because he looks far more relaxed all of a sudden than anyone else in this room.

“There’s not a damn thing you could say that would change things between us.

You don’t have to worry about that. You said it yourself, remember?

We’re both different now. We’ve all done things. ”

She almost laughs at how simple he makes it sound.

If you tell him, he’ll assume it’s his fault those people died.

He’ll only see you as a tornado leaving a path of destruction in her wake, and all of it only to find him.

He knows you killed half of Silas’s army, but he doesn’t know about that family, does he?

Or all the other innocents that got caught in your crosshairs.

How fucking selfish are you to lay that at his feet now?

She pulls away quickly, can’t look him in the eye when the demon in her head is on a roll.

Her brows furrow in confusion as he takes her hand to rub a soft thumb over her knuckles, picking up that gentle cadence again when it’s clear she isn’t replying yet.

“Being out here with you is exactly where I wanna be. You mean everything to me, Kara. Everything.”

Wade isn’t a liar. He says what he means, and he said she means everything.

It’s left her so shocked and speechless that her ghost catapults to some far-off corner of her brain in favor of reveling in what she just heard.

Somehow, it means more than that love declaration did because it’s so much harder to rationalize this time when he’s looking at her like she’s the best thing he’s ever seen.

Before she can reply, her head pounds and she grips it hard with a wince.

He guides her back to the sofa and covers her with a worn blanket while her concussion puts an effective end to a convoluted conversation. One she may not even remember when she wakes, but at the moment, all she can hear as she begins to drift is the rumble of Wade’s soothing voice.

* * *

They spend the next three days trying to find enough supplies to survive while holding up in the office to wait out their head injuries.

She sleeps most of the time and when she’s not passed out, Wade is, but they find a few Twinkies and unopened glass bottles of soda in a retro machine in the garage. Despite tasting like absolute shit, it keeps them from getting dehydrated.

Water is the biggest concern. They can’t stay here without a source. Now that her filter is gone, it’ll be even harder to find something acceptable.

They need a flowing river at best or more bottles of this crap at worst.

She isn’t sure if her ghost is gone for good, but he hasn’t been back yet. Her head trauma is healing and she’ll take the quiet however she can get it.