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Those cracks and wobbles in their relationship they’ve ignored up until now are only more evident with no buffers. For as long as they’ve known each other, it’s never only been just them and fuck if that doesn’t highlight what’s left to fix.

* * *

Clearing the motel is easy through the fence before heading to room number eight and depositing their packs on the floor, each taking up one of the twin beds.

It’s musty and dank with peeling wallpaper and a tiny square footage that has them nearly stacked on top of each other, but the sheets are soft after being shaken out, and the mattress is firm.

“Was thinking,” Wade begins, digging for food they brought along. “You wanna take the long way? Go up through lower Colorado first, then swing down?”

She rolls her head against a pillow. Nothing has ever sounded better. “Okay.”

“Yeah? You sure? ‘Cause we can still take a straight shot. It’s faster.”

She shrugs, accepting his offering of bread before sitting up straight again. “I’m not in any hurry. I’ve never been to Colorado. I’d like to see it.”

“I’m not either. In a hurry.”

He ducks his head like he said something telling, looking up at her through long bangs with that bashful half smile that always makes her feel special.

“That’ll put us through Kansas too, right?” she replies. “Endless corn fields for miles. I wish we had a camera or a way to develop the photos. You know, we should try to check off a few things while we’re out here. Like a bucket list.”

“That sounds depressing as hell.”

“I don’t mean it literally, not because I think anything bad’s going to happen, just that there could be a number of reasons why we never see these places again. We should make the most of it.”

He considers this thoughtfully, always open to anything she suggests, and that’s a quality she never takes for granted.

“Got ideas? Things you wanna do?”

“Already checked one off the list today. Skinny dipping again.”

He shakes his head, huffing in amusement. “I can’t believe we did that.”

“Me either.” She smiles. “Thought for sure you’d leave me hanging in there.”

“Not a chance. I can’t swim for shit, but if you’re going I’m going.”

If that isn’t a description of their whole relationship, she doesn’t know what is. If you’re going, I’m going, may as well be their motto.

“I do have a few things…” she admits, as rain pelts the roof even harder in a chaotic dance.

“Like what?”

Suddenly, she’s self-conscious. She wasn’t worried in the slightest about being naked in front of him, but now she’s almost too shy to list off frivolous things in a world where those don’t matter anymore.

“It’s silly. Pick apples in an orchard, see the stars from the back of a pickup truck… watch a sunrise on a mountain.”

“Why would any of that be silly?”

“Doesn’t matter. We don’t have to do any of it. I’m just thinking out loud. What about you? What do you want to do?”

“Help you check those off the list,” he says softly. “You know what’s good for sunrise? Cathedral Rock. The place I told you about before.”

She looks at him, unable to contain her affection as it overflows. “We’ll see. We shouldn’t take risks just for my list.”

“I know, I know. No risks. Only if we can.”

Somehow, this shifted from her suggesting they complete a bucket list to him trying to persuade her it’s not the stupidest idea she’s ever come up with. Maybe they really do need to take advantage of all these firsts as if they’ll be the only .

“Okay,” she rips the rest of her bread into smaller pieces. “But you need to come up with a few things, too. Not now, but think on it.”

“Deal.”

They have plans to see the country on the back of a bike and tick off a few check marks on the bucket list she hadn’t realized she mentally made over the years. She can’t wait to get started.

* * *

Later, when they turn in for the night and she drifts into a heavy sleep, she tosses and turns, watching her worst fears come to life under closed lids.

Change is hard, both good or bad, and this new venture has kicked up dust and sprinkled her thoughts around, disheveling them until her mind lands on a fear that never truly left.

“Wade! ” she gasps, on the verge of tears as she watches him turn his back and leave her behind, or disappear in front of her like a puff of smoke.

Kara pushed him too far, or took something important from him, or confessed her true feelings in a way they can’t keep ignoring. Whatever it was, it’s enough to have him abandon her.

Just like her father did the day he used his handgun on himself.

Just like everyone else that she got close to who decided she was too much, too wild, too angry to love.

His voice calling her name from only a few feet away pulls her back. “You’re alright. Just dreaming.”

He’s perched on the edge of the bed, ready to come closer if needed.

That’s something else that’s changed recently. He’s not as twitchy anymore. Not so quick to bolt and so much faster to offer affection. Half the time, she’s proud of his progress, and the other half, she doesn’t know how to handle it.

“I’m fine.” It’s a reflexive answer that makes her cringe at how easily that half-truth rolls off her tongue.

Recovering is easy enough, though. Nightmares have plagued her for so long in one way or another that she’s a pro at pushing them away, even if they have taken a backseat since she found Wade to make room for his dreams instead.

Not much has her completely undone anymore.

This one in particular is as ridiculous as they come.

What more does she want? He’s already run away with her. How could she still have any doubts?

“I’m okay,” she whispers again, watching him lean back hesitantly against the pillows.

Dealing with this alone is second nature, but the urge to let him in the smallest bit and accept the comfort she’s used to denying herself is overwhelming.

What she wants is to crawl right in beside him and curl around him until she falls asleep again. What she does instead is reach across the small space, relieved when his palm slips into hers in a gentle hold in the valley between their beds.

The last thing she feels before sleep takes her is the stroke of his thumb across her knuckles, living proof that he’s still here.