Page 44

She’s developed a concerning habit of taking her clothes off around Wade lately.

That’s all Kara can think about now, wrapped around him on the back of the bike as they aim for Kansas. It’s not something she’d been consciously trying to do. It just happened.

Maybe on some level it’s a peek into what her heart truly wants. She needs to strip herself bare for him and know he’ll still love what he sees instead of turning away, and she does think he loves her. He said so, after all.

Not the way she hopes, but he does.

So, given the first chance, all she’s been doing is trying to get naked. First, the skinny dipping, and now taking her pants off in the bathroom and making him grope her scars. God, he must be rethinking this whole thing after she’s started behaving so strangely.

She has to be more conscious of how things look. He’s already been through so much, and she’s wary of setting him on edge again after they’ve made such progress. It’s difficult not to overthink every action she’s made, despite how easily he seems to accept them all.

Her deepest fear used to be losing Wade.

Then, it was the possibility that she would never find him.

Now, it’s losing him all over again.

Her behavior forms around that concept, good or bad.

I want to tell you everything. She meant that.

Needs to confess how she ruined that child’s life, what feels like a lifetime ago, and let the cards fall where they may.

She should have done that before they left, but couldn’t stomach the idea of him changing his mind.

It would have been a logical moment to finally share her sins when she suggested the dog stay with that same little girl, but Kara has kept secrets from anyone and everyone for so long that they are simply a dull ache several layers below the surface, crushed by other traumas and ignored with practiced ease.

She needs time to figure out how and when to do this, and most importantly, do it with all her clothes on and a healthy dose of space between them. Once he realizes she’s a monster who has ripped families apart in her quest, he may not want to be cuddled up with her when that reality hits.

Kara clings to him now, though, because it’s expected.

Can wrap her arms around his waist and rest her head between his shoulders, inhaling deeply with closed eyes as they ride into the unknown.

That’s why she loves the bike so much. It’s permission to grab what she desires.

Handing over driving privileges had been simple when the reward is being close to him like this.

When he covers her hand, a habit he’s grown fond of, warming her knuckles where they rest over his heart, she smiles behind him because he can’t see it.

Wade’s thumb waves softly across her skin as street signs whiz by one after another, and her thoughts drift to how gentle he’d be if all her attempts at getting naked ever ended in something new.

The vibrations from the motor and occasional jerk of the bike between her legs, coupled with her daydreams, have her throbbing over the course of a mile until she’s so uncomfortably aroused that she has to stop herself from rubbing delicately against the seat.

What’s in her own head can’t upset him or make him uncomfortable.

While these daydreams aren’t new, they still feel wrong and she hates herself for not being able to control them.

What did she think would happen when she agreed to come out here with him alone?

Of course, everything she’d been stuffing down would crest the surface.

When they hit a few jagged, shallow potholes, the seat vibrates so steadily against her she lets out a gasp, squeezing his shirt.

He mistakenly assumes something else entirely, pulling them to a stop beside a waist-high wheat field. “Beautiful, ain’t it? We’ve been driving a while. You wanna rest here a bit?”

She can barely meet his eyes after imagining him pushing her legs apart while she sits on this bike and fitting himself so deep inside her that she can hardly form a coherent thought.

Betraying his trust in her head and running wild with fantasies won’t do either of them any good.

She’s skilled at covering, though. Always has been.

Kara nods and they dismount, standing side by side when he gives her a tap on the hip that feels like the most newly intimate thing they’ve ever done, and nods toward something past her. “Look over there. Wanna test it out?”

There’s an old pickup truck in a field rusting on its wheels.

“You remembered,” she says softly. “From my list. We don’t have to. I know it’s silly.”

“Stop saying that. It’s not. Now let’s go watch the sunset in the back of a pickup truck and wait for those stars.”

* * *

Her desire to experience this might have something to do with all those low-budget romance movies she used to watch before the turn, though she would never admit that to anyone, certainly not him. Her dreams of a simple life are as coveted as her secrets and she holds them just as close.

It isn’t, however, the most comfortable place to relax. The truck bed digs into her ass and their blankets they’ve packed for sleeping aren’t thick enough to combat it.

She squirms, admitting defeat. “So…this was a really sweet idea, but I was wrong. My ass hurts and it’s uncomfortable as hell.”

He huffs in amusement. “Thank god, my legs are going numb. Sit in the grass instead?”

“Yes. Please.”

They shift a few feet away and down into a small section of shorter grass, a much softer cushion for an early dinner as the sun begins its journey and the skies flare scorching pinks and purples.

She can’t take her eyes off it long after they’ve finished their meals and have lapsed into comfortable silence.

“Everything smells so clean out here.” She shivers as a breeze caresses her face.

When Wade asks if she’s cold, she nods, her nose scrunching with a pleased smile at his lifted arm that she quickly puts herself under. She lets him tug her into his side and rub her upper arm to chase away the chill.

“This was a good evening. Thank you.”

He hums out an agreeable sound, perfectly relaxed, holding her like it’s something they do all the time. Maybe now it can be. Maybe this is an acceptable thing in casual daily life, and she doesn’t have to wish and hope for it.

She’s loved every version of him, but Wade is different out here on the road.

With every mile they travel, he seems to grow more confident and, with that, more affectionate toward her.

Kara is the one who’s twitchy now. The one who can’t stop assuming any wrong step might be the catalyst to lose the most important person in her life, just when she’s finally gotten him back.

That’s the thing about being in love with your best friend, she’s realized. Everything that should be simple feels difficult.

Everything that should be clear is cloudy.

Everything she wishes she could say sticks in her throat for fear of risking a bond so precious that she wouldn’t survive the loss of it.

The only way to make significant progress is to find enough bravery to leave their current status behind in favor of something new, and she isn’t that brave.

Yet.

Wade is trying to give her all the contact she wants without a moment’s hesitation.

It’s new and welcome and confusing all on its own.

Isn’t this something couples do? Do friends watch a sunset together, curled up in each other’s arms?

Fuck if she knows anymore. Her experience at being one half of a couple has never been typical, anyway.

She has little experience to draw from, often preferring her own company to that of a man.

“Is your cut okay? We should check it later and make sure it’s not getting infected. Damn nails in that place were rusty.”

“It’s fine, but if you wanna play doctor again, I’m okay with that,” she teases.

“At your service. I’m all for a little role-playing.”

Instantly, he is that man she remembers from so long ago. The one who flirted with anyone who had a pulse, and made her knees weak with his smug grin. He is still in there somewhere, sneaking up to the surface when she least expects it.

Her nerves misfire at his raspy, deep tone, and her comeback stalls on her tongue.

“Hey, play a game with me?” he says quickly, suddenly awkward and far less confident, as if his own behavior just caught up to him. “Get your mind outta the gutter. I know you. Not playing doctor.”

She gasps, pulling back with false offense. “I’m not the one in the gutter.”

“Mhmm.”

“What’s this very clean, respectable game you want to play?”

“Twenty questions.”

“Really? You want more random facts about me?”

That’s not what she expected at all.

He shrugs, clearly feeling some sort of way about this choice.

“I just…I dunno, we don’t really talk much.

We never have. Sometimes I feel like we know each other better than anyone ever could, and other times it’s like I know nothing about you.

And no, this ain’t the same as you giving me random facts I couldn’t make up myself. ”

“You do already know me better than anyone ever has.”

“Maybe. But I don’t know all the little things. Not really. I know the big stuff and that’s different.”

He wants to know her. There’s not a chance in hell she could deny him. “Okay. You go first. Ask me anything.”

He falters, having to consider his options before picking the right one. “What would you have done career-wise if you never joined the army?”

“Something that would have let me travel like this. See the world. Feel free. What kinda job would that have been? Tour guide?”

“Pilot?”

She grins. “You didn’t say flight attendant. You went right for pilot.”

“Nothing wrong with being a flight attendant, but you’d definitely have to fly the plane.”

“So you’re saying I have control issues?”

He laughs. “That wasn’t common knowledge?”

She nudges him gently with a roll of her eyes. “ Okay, my turn. What do you think of before you fall asleep?”

“That’s…different.”

“I asked someone that a long time ago. We were talking about insomnia. He told me he thought of football. Specifically, throwing the ball across the field over and over again until he fell asleep.”

“Sounds like a douche, so it has to be that stalker from fucking Paradise Falls.”

She wrinkles her nose. “You might be right. I’ve always felt you can learn a lot about someone based on what they think of at night when they’re stuck with their own thoughts. What comforts them enough to fall asleep?”

He hisses through his teeth. “This is getting deep.”

“You started it.”

“Fair enough. You’ll think it’s stupid, though.”

“Is it football?”

“No.”

“Then I won’t.”

He grows quiet, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

“I think about what we’re gonna see out here.

Who we could meet. Where we’ll go. Think about some of those spots I’ve seen on TV a long time ago, wondering if we’ll pass ‘em. About the things on your list and the things I want to add to mine. I need to focus on the good stuff, or all the bad will creep right back in and I’ll never rest.”

He’s more soft-spoken now than ever, with an embarrassed touch to his voice as if he’s said something telling.

She’s certain no one else has ever thought of her to help them fall asleep.

He wrapped it around the guise of adventure, but the way he can’t meet her eyes just yet tells her it’s less about the scenery and more about the two of them in it.

It’s even more remarkable because all she ever thinks about before she sleeps is him.

“Me too,” she says carefully, owing him that truth after he’d given her his. “I think about us out here, too, right before I fall asleep. Every time.”

“You don’t have to say—”

“I’m not just saying that. I swear it. And before I found you again, I still used to think of the same damn thing. How we would finally make up for all the time we lost.”

The gentle dip of his head is light and calm, the most beautiful sight as he holds her stare for a long moment, threatening to steal her breath with the intensity of it.

“So, have you thought of anywhere else to put on that list?” she continues. “You just said you’d been thinking about places.”

“Yeah, I have. The San Juan Mountains.”

Her face lights up. “Okay! Let’s go there and hike a mountain.”

“Yeah?”

“Hell yes. Where is that?”

“Lower Colorado.”

“I’m in.”

He grins in agreement and she flops backward, staring up at newly twinkling stars, pleased when he mimics her pose.

“I think it’s your turn,” she tells him. “Still have questions?”

“Yeah, but I think I’ll save them for later. We have plenty of time now.”

She rolls her head to the side, surprised at how open and vulnerable he is. She wants to tuck herself under his arm and against his chest, breathing him in until they both drift off under the stars.

Aside from the fact that sleeping without protection is dangerous, she certainly can’t give in to that particular desire when they’re both so raw. She holds her hand up between them instead until he reaches out to take it, lacing their fingers together.

It’s going to take a little getting used to before she accepts that they aren’t racing a clock anymore. They do have time, and the man beside her is someone she gets to keep.