Page 24

Ifelt my control hanging on a loose thread, just an inch away from falling apart.

Her scent, her voice, and long curls cascading on her tiny waist were all irresistible.

My hand instinctively began to play with her delicate skin.

And the way she reacted to my touch, with moans, all of her, started clouding my understanding.

Never in my whole life had I thought that my thoughts would get stirred so much by a woman, a girl, to be precise, a tiny, young and sometimes immature girl.

Her lips were swollen and her cheeks bloomed with crimson, her body felt warm, and her hair was dishevelled from my torture.

Yet the loose tresses falling on her front couldn’t mask that purple mark I gave her the night before on her cleavage line.

Looking at her in that state, subject to me, I felt taken away enough to reconsider my celibacy.

I looked into her eyes and muttered, “No.”

I mouthed the answer over her lips.

Hurt flashed across her face as she pushed me away with all her might, causing me to lose my balance and fall onto the settee.

She immediately put on her dupatta, hiding herself from my view, and stepped down from the table.

“I will not either,”

she said, trying to walk away, but I pulled her back by her waist and made her sit on my lap.

“I already do.”

The moment I said so, her face was layered with shock.

“You love me?”

She asked, tilting her head to one side, her face struck with confusion.

I hugged her tighter and pressed my lips to her collarbones.

A soft whimper left her mouth.

“Yes, I do,”

I accepted, closing my eyes, trying to convey my true feelings.

“I can remain celibate for another decade for you, Nandani.

I can kill for you and get killed.

I can win kingdoms and lose them for you.

I can create a whole new world and reduce this entire world to ashes for you.

I really can,”

I swept my palm against her naked back and pulled her even closer in my embrace.

Her heart beat wildly.

Yet I didn't stop, I couldn't stop.

“But I cannot see you working for anyone.

I don't want you to change for me and adjust to my practices.

I can't see your face flickering with hurt.

I can't stand the sight of your eyes, full of admiration, looking at someone who’s not me.

I cannot see you smiling in front of anyone but me. I can’t see you love someone but me,”

I said and felt her shiver in my hold.

“I take full responsibility for what I did, and I'm ready to apologise for all my life, night and day, every moment until you tell me to stop.

This is how much I regret my actions,”

I confessed, feeling the muscles on her back flexing.

“,”

she whispered, trying to stop me.

“Shhhh… let me speak today,”

I cut in and lowered my lips to her ear.

She slanted back her head slightly, and I continued, “I didn't like you when I first met you.

I thought you were a spoiled, egoistic princess, blinded by the power of being a royal who looked down upon their subjects.

So, I made a plan, a trap to make you fall for me.

I began spending time with you, and as the days passed, I thought I was succeeding in my plan because you started liking me as I wanted. However, in the process, I got to know a great deal about you and your mannerisms—how you respect your elders, how you take your time for your lessons, and how you help the servants in the kitchen because you enjoy cooking for your family. Above all, I saw how you approached the commoners to listen to their problems and to understand them. During the three months I spent in your palace, you never made me feel any different from you. Then, one day, when you were late and I was waiting for you, I came to a realisation that I wasn’t winning; rather, I was losing at my game.”

My voice faltered by the end, and she kissed my ear softly and asked, “Then?”

I stroked her back gently, feeling her softness.

“I realised I wasn't just trapping you; you were becoming my habit.

At that moment, it struck me how consuming your presence was for me.

I felt the wall of my control cracking, which I built with so much effort for eight years.

And so, like a coward, who couldn't deal with his emotions, I ran away,”

I said, and she held my arms, trying to look at me.

“You're not a coward,”

I gulped, holding her tighter.

“I am.

I was and probably always will be,”

I said, and she shook her head. “No,”

she said, and I went on.

“I was a coward because I adopted shortcuts to win over your empire.

I was a coward because I couldn’t control the feelings that had started developing for you.

And then I showed cowardice again when I chose to run away from my feelings, from you.

I was a coward because I was losing, yet I kept on with my controlling game for another two years, burning myself in the fire, drowning myself under the depth of the river.

I tried to control my pain by hurting myself, tried to conquer my fear by climbing heights, tried to kill my hunger by starving for hours. I did everything, every damn thing, that my master taught me. Things that would help me become a better person and a better king. I tried to control my anger and my brain to keep myself in check and achieve my goals. But, nobody ever told me how to control my memories, how to control my heart, which has immense love for my mother, which has utter hate for your parents and which beats for you, Nandani.”

My eyes were closed as I opened my heart to her.

She pushed me lightly to look at me and caressed my cheeks.

“You are not a coward, you are my king.

You always were,”

I shook my head.

“This isn't as simple as it seems, little wife.

I’m not sure, but I’ve never been like this.

I was never this impulsive, this possessive.

I was never insecure and wasn't scared of anything.

I never opened up to anyone like I did today. I wasn’t ever like this. I’m still striving to focus on my goals, rebuilding this empire and ending the miseries that the people of Suryagarh have endured for almost three decades now. But every time I look at you, I lose my control. The more I try to restrain my emotions, the more they slip through my hands, as anger, as possessiveness, as hunger for you,”

I elaborated, playing with her hair strands, and she started trembling, listening to me.

“I feel so damn hungry for you, Nandani.

You do not know… You have no idea how I try to control myself around you.

You are my death, little wife,”

I uttered on her lips, pulling her even closer.

“Eat me then,”

she said, swallowing visibly, and I pecked her ear.

“Be as wild as you want with me and satiate your hunger of a decade.

Devour me as you want until you are satisfied.

Claim me and mould me the way you want,”

she added, and I shook my head.

“No,”

The silence followed for a moment, and she asked under her breath,

“Because I’m not a virgin?”

The moment she said it, I felt like someone had wrung my heart.

I inhaled deeply near her neck to get a whiff of her scent and calmly said.

“I don't care, Nandani.

These things don't matter to me.

This context of purity, virginity, seduction and all of that might matter to other men.

I don't care if you are a virgin or not.

If I did, I would’ve never married you after I saw you stepping out of that old man’s chamber,”

as I finished, she immediately threw a series of questions at me.

“You don't care? Why? You said you are possessive about me.”

I noticed a mole behind her ear, and tucking the strands of her hair behind her ear, I said, “No, I don't care.

I’m possessive about you? Yes.

Your body? No.

You are more than just your body; you have a soul.

There is a human in you, an element of the divine in you. There is love in you, and there is so much in you just apart from your body, little wife.”

She blinked at me naively.

“This is so deep, Ranaji.”

I kissed her bare shoulder and said, “I don't want to eat you, I want to win your heart.

I'm attracted to you, probably because my control of ten years is slipping slowly off my hands now.

But there is so much in me that I have for you.

I look up to you for treating everyone equally.

I respect you for choosing me, even when I was at my lowest, and I’m grateful to you for helping me realise my mistakes. I admire you for fighting against the world, and it’s only you who gave me the strength to face my fears. It is only for you whom I created all this mess for, my queen.”

Tears pooled in her eyes.

She whispered, “.”

I petted the side of her neck with my lips, leaving feathery kisses on her collarbones and said, “Be my strength, Nandani.

I can't break my celibacy until my coronation.

I've taken an oath to claim the throne rightfully.

The old King is still alive, and I don't want to wear the crown until I kill him, and until every single person of Suryagarh accepts me as the king.”

I moved towards her face and kissed her cheek and instructed, “And don't you dare change yourself for me.

You are my Queen.

Don’t cook unless it's for us.

No wearing these servants’ clothes and no stubbornness.

I cannot fight the world after setting my own house on fire. You are my home, my strength. Don't make me weak, don't make me see you doing all these things. I love seeing you as a queen sitting beside me, who can conquer and rule the world. Don't just be my wife, Nandani, be my queen,”

she nodded lightly, and a tear fell from her eyes.

“You want me to be a Queen, and also want me to see you sleeping on the floor, eating simple food, doing your chores on your own, see you punish yourself for no reason and suffer, controlling yourself for something so meaningless,”

she spoke bitterly, wiping the tears off her cheeks.

“Alright, I'll do that,”

she said, standing up from my lap.

I fisted my fingers with the loss of her touch.

She walked behind the room divider, and I followed suit.

I pinned her against the wooden wall and said,

“Please try to understand,”

I said, gulping.

She fisted her hands on my chest.

“You want me to understand? What about you? I can’t see you controlling your emotions.

I, too, have feelings for you, I, too, care for you, I, too, am possessive about you, and I am insanely in love with you, .

What do we do about that?”

She broke into sobs.

“But you go on with your goals.

Make your empire, rebuild it, and do everything an ideal king should do.

Who am I? Why does it matter what I want? You left me hanging in between, yet I understood.

You played with my feelings, I understood.

You used me for your game, I understood. After all of that you did, you wanted me back, I understood that too. But you don’t want to understand that I care for you, right? You wouldn’t care if it hurts me to see you in pain, right?”

She exclaimed, pushing me away as she took her clothes out of the trunk.

“Nandani,”

I tried to call her, but she showed me her palm.

“Don't worry, Ranaji.

I'll do as you say,”

I immediately pulled her into my arms and hugged her tightly.

She squirmed to break free, but eventually hugged me back.

Her upper body was covered with just a dupatta, and I brushed her nape softly.

“It's so difficult to convince a stubborn kid,” I teased.

***