Page 20 of Replay (Toronto Blaze #3)

I’m Sorry. I’m Not

Josh

Katie was kissing me. It took a moment to catch on.

She started to pull away and I thought Hell no and wrapped my arm around her back, bringing her closer.

She relaxed into me, the way she used to.

I wasn’t sure why she’d launched herself at me, but I was on board.

Totally on board. Had we moved past friends just like that?

I wove my other hand into her hair, tilting her face enough that we could make the most of the kiss.

I used my tongue on her lower lip and she opened, letting me into her mouth.

Yes. Kissing Katie wasn’t like kissing anyone else.

We’d learned with each other, and it still did something to me no other kisses had.

They made me feel warm and welcome and home .

My hand moved down to her ass. She had more flesh there than before and I wanted to explore.

But that was too much for her. She pulled back and I let her go reluctantly.

She was breathing fast and I knew she’d felt my hard dick against her.

She looked around, but no one was paying any attention to us.

The woman who’d come in while Katie was listening to her message was long gone.

She closed her eyes, her cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.”

She laughed and opened her eyes. “I just…that woman.”

“The puck bunny?”

“The way she felt entitled to touch you. It got to me.”

That was disappointing. She’d just kissed me to scare off a jersey chaser? Was that all the kiss had been about?

“Then I grabbed your hand, which now that I think about it is just as bad as what she was doing and she looked at me like you couldn’t possibly be with me and well, you had, and I wanted to prove a point.”

She hadn’t been overcome with an urge to kiss me because I was wearing my lucky jeans that made my ass look good.

But there were a couple of things I needed to straighten out with her.

“Just to be clear, you have permission to touch me anytime you want. I don’t like it when strangers do that, but I like it when you do. ”

She blinked at me.

“And of course I could be with you. You’re amazing. You were back in high school, and you are now. I mean, I’m glad you kissed me, but you didn’t have to.”

She wasn’t holding my hand anymore. She was chewing on her bottom lip though, so she was worried. I wanted to grab her again, kiss her until she didn’t worry anymore, but Katie was a thinker while I was more impulsive.

“The bunny is gone. Do you want to go now?”

The nod Katie gave me was relieved, so I held the door open for her. I wouldn’t push. But she’d definitely been into that kiss, which made me more optimistic.

This was a good step on the Get Katie Back plan.

The air was cool after the bar, a sure sign winter was coming.

Katie tucked her jacket tight to her with crossed arms. I considered putting an arm around her, just to keep her warm, but figured that would upset her.

I’d gotten a kiss tonight. Not a brief meeting of lips, but a real, arousing, tongue-in-mouth kiss, so I’d settle for that. For now.

“Any problems?” I asked as I pointed the car in the right direction to take her home.

“Problems?”

“The phone call.”

“Oh, no. Just a change in location for a lab.” She started chewing on her lip again, so I let the conversation lapse.

With no traffic, it was only five minutes later when I stopped in front of Katie’s building. She stretched out her hand to open the door.

“You know, if you ever want to go to another game, I’m happy to get a ticket for you. Or tickets, if you want to bring a friend.”

She cocked her head. “That’s a nice offer, but I’m not sure who I’d go with.”

“Maybe Jessica?”

She smiled. “Jess doesn’t go to a lot of games. But thanks, I enjoyed talking to her. I think we’re going to meet up again.”

Excellent. I wanted her to be comfortable with the women who hung around with my teammates.

I was a little annoyed at Cooper pulling Callie away before she’d had a chance to talk to Katie, but tonight had been a big night for them, with the public outing.

If that had been me and Katie, I wouldn’t have felt like sharing her attention with anyone either. Next time.

“The offer stands. Just let me know.”

“Thanks. I had a surprisingly nice time tonight.”

“Surprisingly?” I was a little offended, but at least she did have a nice time. I just wished she liked it enough to go again, because hockey was the biggest part of my life.

“I haven’t watched a game in years.” Since high school, maybe? “And I wasn’t sure what it would be like, meeting your teammates.”

“They’re nice guys.” Mostly.

“I’m glad you have them, Josh. You need friends, and they seem like good ones.”

“You too.”

She frowned. “Me too?”

“You’re a friend too.” A smile crossed her face, and I had to consciously stop myself from leaning over to kiss it.

“Yeah, I’m a friend too.”

Then she did open the door and head into her building. I watched until the elevator doors closed behind her.

We were friends. And that kiss showed we had chemistry.

How did I earn enough trust back that she’d combine those two, so we’d be together again?

* * *

Katie

Josh dropped me off and didn’t say anything more about the kiss. I was grateful, because I was thrown by it. The condo was quiet when I let myself inside, since Madeline was on the road. No distractions for my thoughts.

What the hell had come over me? Jealousy? Possessiveness? Dog in the manger-ness?

I needed to work this out, so I sent a quick text to Nora. With the time difference, she was probably asleep, but just in case…

My phone rang. “Nora? You’re awake?”

“The joy of being pregnant again. Leg cramps. Every time I lie down in bed they start up, and I don’t want to keep Arlo awake. What’s up, sis?”

Not a rousing vote for pregnancy. I dropped into a chair and tried to pin down what exactly was bothering me, and came up with “Josh.”

“Josh? Hockey player Josh? Ex-boyfriend Josh?”

“Yep.”

“Ah. He plays in Toronto now. Did you run into him?”

I gave her an edited update, not mentioning exactly how I ran into him. “He brought over some donairs and said he wanted to be friends. He apologized for how things happened in high school. And he told me Mom and Dad convinced him that breaking up with me was the right thing to do.”

Nora gasped. “They did? What? Give me a moment. Stupid cramps.” I heard sounds of her moving around.

“Okay. I’m trying to remember what was happening then.

That was around the time I told them I was pregnant, wasn’t it.

I’m sorry, I didn’t have a lot of bandwidth to help you then. You went to Grandma’s, right?”

And after Josh had broken up with me, I hadn’t been helping her either. “Yeah. They suggested it, since I refused to go back to school. But now…well, now I’m wondering if they just wanted to make sure we didn’t get back together.”

“Was that a possibility?”

After kissing him tonight? More of a possibility than I realized. “I don’t know. I was pissed and heartbroken when he broke up with me, but I really loved him. Still, breaking up by text was pretty bad.”

“By text? He sent you a text? I hope you hunted him down and shoved his text up his ass.”

“Not exactly.”

“What did you do?”

I fell back in the chair. “Nothing.”

“You didn’t ask him why?”

“No,” I said, voice quiet.

“Why didn’t you? If you loved him that much.”

I let out a long breath, releasing something I hadn’t admitted before. “Because I thought I knew why.”

“You did?”

“He was this big hockey prospect, and I was just the math nerd.”

“Aww, sis. Insecurities, right?”

“Yeah. Why would he want to be with me?”

Nora huffed. “I do get that Mom and Dad were freaking out about me back then, but still…they shouldn’t have interfered. And if you’ve thought you just weren’t enough for him all these years, well, that would have an effect on you. Have you talked to them about it?”

“Not yet. I’ve been trying to figure out how upset I am, and how angry it’s okay for me to feel.”

“Katie, I love you, but you need to speak up. When you were in high school, that was difficult to do, but you’re an adult now. You have to stand up for yourself. In your relationships, in your work—everything.”

That reminded me too much of my wishy-washy behavior with my advisor, and I steered the conversation elsewhere. “I did tell Josh off. But with Mom and Dad, it’s hard. They only do what they think is right for us.”

Nora let out a long breath. “I hear you. They love us and support us and want us to reach our goals, but that does come with some heavy expectations.”

So heavy . “I don’t want to disappoint them.”

“Like I did, you mean?”

My mouth dropped open. “That… I mean…”

“You can say it, you know. Mom and Dad did.”

That shocked me. “What?”

“They even offered to raise the baby so I could stay in school.”

Something else I hadn’t known. “You didn’t want that?”

A long pause. “Honestly, no. Getting pregnant threw me for a loop. It upset all my plans and freaked me out. But it also forced me to think. I’d been busy and focused on med school, becoming a doctor.

Total tunnel vision. Honestly, I was lucky Arlo was willing to put up with my schedule and priorities.

And then, when I saw those lines on the pregnancy test, he was a rock. ”

Nora’s partner was great.

“But having to make those decisions forced me to look at what I wanted. Really wanted. Getting away from the hamster wheel for a few days while I worked things out made me realize I didn’t want to do med school and residency and put life on hold for years.

I had a great partner, we were expecting a baby and… that was good.”

I swallowed. Back then, after the breakup with Josh, I’d been focused on my own misery. I’d stayed with Grandma and been removed from what was going on with my sister. I’d missed what she’d gone through. “I never knew all that. So, you’re not upset that your plans changed? You’re happy?”

“I am. I so am. It was hard for Mom and Dad, since they’d had such big plans. But I needed to live my life for me. And what you’re saying about how they manipulated Josh—I’m sure they thought it was for the best, but that’s not cool. Remember, it’s your life. Figure out what you want.”

“Right now, I just want to figure out what to do about Josh.”

“Ooooh.” Nora’s voice was teasing. “Sounds like there’s more going on than donairs. Ugh. Now I’m getting a craving for those.”

“Josh said he wanted to be friends. After I heard what Mom and Dad and his mother did, I thought I could do that. But then tonight I kissed him.”

“Katie! Details!”

I told her. Not just about the puck bunny, but about how the kiss had been so good, and Josh saying I could kiss him anytime.

Nora laughed. “I’m so glad I’m done with dating. To me, sounds like he wants to pick things up again. What do you want?”

I slid down in the chair, staring at the ceiling. “Hell if I know.”

“You don’t want him hooking up with puck bunnies, apparently.”

“Yeah. That confused me.”

I heard Nora mutter something. She must have covered up the phone.

“I gotta go. Sorry, sis. Pipsqueak needs his mom. But quick advice, since you called. Seems like you still have some feelings for Josh. You should tell him, and maybe you two could see where it goes. Deciding to go out with him, or whatever, doesn’t mean a lifelong commitment.

If something is still there between you after five years, maybe it’s worth exploring. ”

“Maybe it’s just nostalgia.”

“One way to find out.”

“But he’s famous here. I mean, people ask him for photos and autographs. I really don’t understand why he’d want to be with me, a math nerd.”

“Enough of those insecurities. There’s more to him than hockey and more to you than math. Just don’t be afraid to try something. I never thought about being a mom, and it turns out I love it. But I really have to go now. Love you.”

“Love you too.” And she was gone.

I set my phone on my chest and kept staring at the ceiling. Nora and I hadn’t been that close growing up. Three years between us had been a lot, and I’d always felt like I was losing a competition with her. Our parents might not have intended to foster that, but they had.

I’d never known that she was happy about getting pregnant five years ago. That she’d given up med school because she thought it was her best choice, not because of obligation. The way Mom and Dad had. Or at least, made us believe.

I’d had my life mapped out—Bachelor’s degree, master’s and then a PhD. Become a professor and live a life among my numbers.

Was that what I wanted, or was that what was safe, for me and my parents?