Page 21 of Reluctant to Love

10

Roderick

It’s hard to describe the moment Eleanor confirmed her daughter was also my daughter. Being a father was a role I never intended to play. That was partially Famke’s fault. She never wanted children and took every precaution possible to not get pregnant without even telling me. My own feelings toward this subject were never taken into consideration and now that I’m a father, I have no idea how I even feel.

The flight to Cleveland is short, only a few hours, and I spend the entire time trying to process my emotions. It doesn’t help that every time I ask Eleanor about Izzy, she stonewalls me. I understand her desire to protect Izzy and to some extent, I understand her mistrust. She still doesn’t quite believe me when I tell her I’m not going anywhere.

I finally decide to ask her about what I hope is a fairly safe topic. “Tell me about being homeless.”

She closes her laptop and is quiet for a moment before she sighs. “It was after I had Izzy.” She shifts uncomfortably in the seat and her lips tighten to form a thin line. “I’m not proud of the way I behaved. I was seriously messed up.”

I reach between our seats to take hold of her hand. “I have no room to judge you, Ellie.”

“I was suffering from severe postpartum depression. I had no idea what I was doing with a child. Izzy had terrible reflux and would cry and cry and cry. She never napped. I was so exhausted, Roderick. And I felt so alone.” A single tear slips down her cheek and she quickly swipes at it with her hand. “I left Izzy with my mother one morning and never came back.”

“Where did you go?”

“I just drove and drove until I felt like I was far enough away. I didn’t really go anywhere. I just needed space to get my head together.”

Slowly, I bring our joined hands up to my lips and kiss the back of her hand. No matter how difficult it is to hear her say these things to me, I remind myself I am partially to blame. I wasn’t honest and I drove her away. She was alone and struggling partly because of me.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I tell her softly. “I wish I could go back in time and change everything.”

“I’ll spend the rest of my life earning Izzy’s forgiveness for those three months. What kind of mother does that, Roderick? What kind of mother just leaves her infant daughter like that?”

I drop her hand and wrap my arm around her shoulders, tugging her close. “I don’t have an answer for you, sweets, but I suspect you’re harder on yourself than you need to be.”

“When I came back, everything changed. I was determined to be a better mother, but I missed three months of my daughter’s life and she grew so fast.”

“She was safe and loved while you took care of yourself. What if you hadn’t left?”

She shudders beside me. “I don’t want to think about that. I was really struggling Roderick.”

“You’re not alone now. I’ll spend forever making sure you and Izzy are loved.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she murmurs.

“I have every intention of keeping them. You just have to have a little faith.”

“I need time though. These last few days have been unexpected, and you’ve given me so much to consider.”

Every instinct inside of me wants to push her, forcing her walls to crumble until she relents. But that’s not how I’m going to win her back. However, I’m not willing to give up what we have.

“How about a compromise? I can live and work wherever I want. I’ll give you space, and I won’t push you but I’m not willing to just leave you, and Izzy, behind. You have to let me woo you, sweets.”

“So, you’re just going to pack up and move to Cleveland?”

“Yeah,” I say honestly. “You’re in love with aNew York Timesbest-selling author. I move wherever I want.”

She looks at me skeptically, raising one eyebrow. “Who said I was in love with you?”

I dazzle her with my best panty-melting smile. “If you’re not, then by the end of the week, you will be.”

She rolls her eyes, but I don’t miss the way her lips quirk into a smile she quickly tries to hide. God, I love that mouth and not kissing her every second of the day kills me. I place two fingers lightly under her chin and tilt her head back toward me.

“Don’t ever hide your smile, Eleanor. And don’t ever deny me the opportunity to kiss you.”

I dip my head and brush my lips slowly across her. She tastes unlike any other woman. Sweet and fresh. I deepen the kiss until she moans softly. If only we weren’t in economy on a packed flight to Cleveland.