Page 9

Bastian

I’m as shaky as a newborn, but I manage to get clean without having to call for help. I don’t think my pride could manage it, which is pathetic considering Siobhan and Nox just launched the rescue mission to end all rescue missions to save me. Hiding in the bathroom instead of facing them sounds like a wonderful idea, but having them come to me here is unthinkable.

All this to say, I’m a damned mess.

I step out of the shower and dry myself off as quickly as possible. Which is right around the moment when I realize I don’t have any clothing that I can bear putting back on my body. I would happily burn the outfit I spent the last however many days wearing.

For lack of a better plan, I wrap a towel around my waist and step carefully through the doorway into the bedroom. Someone has left food for me on the table, and with no one to witness, I fall on it like the starved creature I am. There’s no space for decorum when my stomach is an ache that makes me woozy. I clean the tray and sit back, exhaustion setting in. Even though I bloody well know better, I inhale deeply. It smells like Nox in here. I don’t know how fourteen years aren’t enough to banish the memory of them.

And then the person themself walks through the door, dressed exactly as they were when they saved me, from head to toe in crimson, their blond hair spiky on top from the salt of seawater. They stop short when they see me, and even though I’ve seen better days, their cool gray gaze still skates over my bare chest and lingers where my hand grips the towel.

Then they step aside and Siobhan enters the room. Her presence should be enough to cool the tension that rose between us, but somehow it only makes it worse. She looks between us and then walks over to perch on the edge of the desk. “Well?”

“You left Bastian without even giving him some clothing?” Nox carefully skirts past me to a chest on the other side of the bed. They dig through it for a few seconds and come up with two sets of clothing. The black set gets tossed to me.

I catch it against my chest with my free hand. “Rumor has it that you only wear crimson.”

Nox ignores me and walks into the bathroom, shutting the door firmly behind them. Leaving me and Siobhan alone. Again.

I stare at her. I wish I were a better man who could put past concerns behind me in the face of this rescue. I’m not. “You went to Nox.”

“I went to Nox.” She crosses her arms over her chest. Her gaze is steady, but I know her as well as I know myself. She never would have broken her word to Nox if she wasn’t desperate, and she was only desperate because I put her in that position. “What happened? You’re not usually careless with your magic, and even if you were, you should have been able to talk yourself out of any mess you ended up in.”

She’s right. I’d done exactly that in the past. “There was a woman—a girl, really—being threatened by two C?n Annwn in Mairi. It was a few days after we…went our separate ways.” I clear my throat. “There was a third I didn’t see, and they had a mental shield that my magic couldn’t penetrate. By the time I realized, it was too late and they’d broken my hold on the other two.”

“Bastian.” The censure in her tone snaps my spine straight.

Guilt is a live thing inside me, because I did fuck up, but I’m still so damned angry at her. I don’t know how to reconcile the two. Instead, the feelings amplify each other. “Have you changed your mind?”

Siobhan slashes her hand through the air so quickly it’s almost a blur, her movements jerky and just as furious as I feel. “ That is what you want to ask me right now? You were so certain you were right, and the first thing you did was get scooped up by the C?n Annwn, which perfectly demonstrates my point . We only saved you by resorting to lies and manipulation—and then running the first chance we got. That won’t work again. It isn’t possible to win an all-out war.”

I should know her words by heart at this point. I practically do. I shake my head. “I made a mistake, and a costly one at that. I’m aware. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m right. Even though they didn’t know about the rebellion before, they’re bleeding us with a thousand cuts. The war isn’t even out in the open, and it’s already a war of attrition.”

“Yes,” she says bluntly. “It is. How much worse will that be when they realize the size of our network? We don’t have a fleet to fight them with. They’ll cut off our informants, cut off our supply chains, and then kill us at their leisure. At this point, I don’t even think we could escape through the portals into other realms because they would chase us down just to prove a point.”

I want to say such a thing is unprecedented…but it’s not. There have been dozens of times over the years when the C?n Annwn slipped into the very realms they’re supposedly protecting in order to kill those they call monsters. If they discover the rebellion, we’ll be lumped in with the so-called monsters. “You can’t let fear guide you.”

“There’s nothing new to add to this conversation. We disagree, and it’s clear we won’t reach peace now…or ever.”

“Or ever,” I repeat numbly. “So that’s it, then.”

The bathroom door opens before she can reply, revealing Nox in their new crimson clothing, their blond hair spiky from the shower. I can’t think about that too closely, or I’ll be remembering how good Nox looked naked and wet and…Fuck, I’m remembering it.

Nox looks from Siobhan to me. “So. It’s like that.”

“You agree with me,” Siobhan snaps. “Don’t pretend you don’t.”

“I did.” Nox shrugs. “Morrigan changes things. She’s not a fool like so many of the other captains—or Council members, for that matter. Now she knows you’re alive and she knows we’re working together. She’s not going to stop.”

“Then kill her. You’re good at that.”

Nox laughs bitterly. “As if it’s that easy. Morrigan is more powerful than I am—and more deadly. Our only option now is to run.” They turn to look at me. “The real question is if there’s anywhere left to run to.”

“Yes.” Siobhan sighs. “Bastian, we need to know what you told Morrigan.”

I blink. It takes my exhausted brain a few seconds to understand what she’s saying—what they’re both suggesting. “You think I broke.”

“Torture will do that to a person,” Siobhan says gently.

I thought I couldn’t get angrier. It turns out I was wrong. I sit there stiffly and look from one of them to the other. “I didn’t tell her anything. She knew about the glamour. She…” My breath catches in my throat. “She threatened my family, but I think the Council was pushing back against the plan to arrest them.” I meet Siobhan’s honey gaze. “She already knew something was going on, that I’d been spotted in the company of a woman, that people were disappearing instead of being brought to the C?n Annwn.”

Siobhan and Nox exchange a look, and it strikes me all over again that they have a relationship that has nothing to do with me. Nox joined the rebellion despite my presence. They and Siobhan spent plenty of time together in the beginning, enough to build a true friendship.

Enough to build…more?

Nox sighs. “Well, fuck.”

Siobhan scrubs her hands over her face. “There’s something else. Something you both need to know before we go further. You can’t underestimate Morrigan.”

“Obviously.” Nox waves that away. “Didn’t I just get done saying that she’s dangerous?”

“She is. More than you know.” There’s something almost like panic in her dark eyes. She looks from one of us to the other, her shoulders dropping in defeat. “She is—I am—C?n Annwn.”

I blink. “No, you’re not. You’ve never sailed for them.”

“I don’t mean those pretenders .” She makes a motion like she might spit, but aborts it halfway through. “I mean the true C?n Annwn, the ones those fucking parasites stole their name from. Most of the records about the originals have been lost over the centuries, but they did exist. I’m proof of that.”

I run her words back, but they don’t make any more sense the second time through. “But…that doesn’t make any sense. You’re from a noble family that has been in Lyari for generations. If your ancestors were the real C?n Annwn, then why doesn’t anyone know it? Why hasn’t Morrigan used that fact to propel her right to the top of the Council instead of sailing about, playing pirate?”

Nox rolls their eyes. “Because they would have been wiped off the face of Threshold. You think the Council is going to let anything threaten their death grip on Threshold? Not even Morrigan can stand against them alone.”

I open my mouth to deny it, but…they’re right. The Council bets on being the most powerful thing in Threshold, able to command thousands of ships. It’s an uneasy balancing act, though, because at this point most of the crews are filled with refugees.

There are volunteers, of course, but no one comments on the fact that Lyari locals are disproportionately represented among them. The people of Lyari see it as something noble and exciting. The rest of Threshold, though? All the islands that never asked to be under the Council’s rule? All the people who are terrorized by the unruly crews? They don’t volunteer. They never have.

More than that, the original C?n Annwn have risen to become something akin to gods for us. There are statues of them in Lyari, people pray to them—though it’s fallen out of favor in recent generations. If the originals were able to just…show up…it would change everything. The C?n Annwn would be forced to stop co-opting their name and reputation, perverting it in the pursuit of more power in order to provide protection no one asked for.

Nox drags their hand through their hair. “Look, we all know how little I like the idea of war, but tonight changed things. We can’t keep running, Siobhan. We sure as fuck can’t hide. The only thing left to do is to decide how we fight.”

Siobhan drops her head into her hands. “I hate this. More people are going to die.”

Nox and I exchange a look of perfect understanding. It’s strange how even with all the distance and time between us, I still know them. Siobhan won’t come around tonight, but the fact that she’s not arguing means she will come around. Now’s the time to let her think, to process, to come to the same conclusion Nox and I obviously have.

We’re going to war.

“That’s enough for tonight,” Nox finally says.

Siobhan doesn’t speak another word; she just storms out of the cabin and slams the door behind her. I should follow her, should try to talk to her. Her instinct to dig in her heels has kept her alive for a long time, but she’s hurting and our history means I know what to say to fix it. Or at least push it away until it’s manageable.

But Nox holds up a hand before I can make a move. “We might as well get this out of the way to avoid things being awkward. Are you going to have a problem taking orders from me?”

I can’t stop myself from smirking. “When have I ever had problems taking orders from you?”

“Don’t do that.” They hold my gaze until it’s uncomfortable, their pale eyes giving me nothing. “Don’t flirt with me as if we don’t have a particularly painful history. It’s cruel.”

I duck my head before I can think better of it. “I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“And yet.” There’s a wealth of history in those two words.

“Yeah.” I sigh. “And yet.”

“I have one question, and I would like an honest answer.”

I already know I’m not going to like it—and that they won’t like the answer—but I nod. “Sure. Whatever you need to know.”

Nox parts their lips, hesitant in a way that hurts my heart. The Nox I know, both personally and, later, through reputation, is never hesitant. They are bold and brash and fearless. They finally say, “How long?”

I know what they mean, but I can’t stop myself from parroting their words. “How long?”

“How long after you told me that your life and home and everything were in Lyari did you sail away from the city with Siobhan?”

I suck in a harsh breath. It’s the question I didn’t want to hear because the answer will hurt them, will add to the pain I’ve already caused them. “It wasn’t like that.”

“I don’t really care what it was like. I heard all your arguments on why you couldn’t leave your family behind. Even after all this time, I could probably recite them from memory.” They meet my gaze steadily. “I want the answer.”

I hate this. I hate that little fool I was, who didn’t appreciate or acknowledge how valuable the person he cared about was. “I was afraid, Nox. I was twenty-one, and it all felt very exciting when we dreamed about a future together, paving our own way, but I knew my family would cut me off.”

“Bastian.” They say my name on a sigh. “Please.”

Ancient history has no business hurting as much as the confession rattling around in my chest. “A year.”

“A year,” Nox repeats. “I see.”

There’s so much I could say. I could tell them that the moment they sailed out of port, I was waiting for them to return so I could right the mistake I’d made in letting them leave. That as the weeks ticked into months, I realized that I couldn’t fix anything. That my cowardice had ruined everything. So, when the opportunity came to travel to Mairi to look after one of my father’s business interests, I jumped at it.

Except instead of magically finding Nox again, I met Siobhan in a pub one evening after long negotiations. In the weeks that followed, I secured the deal for my family, and then decided to stay with Siobhan, to help her realize the dream she held of a free Threshold.

None of that will change the hurt I caused. The harm. “I’m sorry.”

I actually see Nox putting their charming mask back into place. They grin, but the expression doesn’t reach their eyes. “We’re all sorry about a lot of things.”

“Nox—” I don’t know what I’ll say to try to take away the pain I’ve caused.

They don’t give me the chance. “Siobhan is scared,” they cut in. “It’s understandable. She’s been hiding her entire life, and we’re asking her to go against the training that’s kept her alive and the rebellion running smoothly.”

“Yes,” I say slowly. The change of subject is clunky, but I’m not cruel enough to force the issue. Nox asked their question and I answered it. They don’t owe me a single thing; certainly not forgiveness. “But hiding won’t work anymore.”

“No, it won’t.” Nox sounds exhausted. As if realizing it at the same time I do, they give themself a shake. “Go talk to Poet—she’s the large woman who looks like she tosses kegs for fun. She’ll give you a room assignment and see about some extra sets of clothing so you don’t have to walk around in mine.”

I like wearing your clothes. I always have.

I don’t say it. I may not be a genius, but even I know that would hurt them unnecessarily. “Okay.”

When I don’t immediately move, they shake their head. “Go, Bastian.” They speak softly, but there’s no give in the words. “We have plenty to talk and argue about in the morning. We all need our rest.”

It’s a clear dismissal. I move slowly toward the door. “I’m sorry, Nox. For everything.”

“We all are.”