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CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

Why is it that when you’re desperate for time to slow down, it suddenly speeds up? The past week has gone by faster than any week in my entire life. Garret and I spent every night together in the tent and even snuck down there during the day. But it still wasn’t enough time with him.

Now it’s Monday and my last week at Moorhurst College—not just for the semester, but forever. I won’t be coming back here again. Garret and I already decided that when we thought this would all work out and we’d be together. Now I’m assuming we won’t be together after this week, which means that in the fall Garret will go to Yale as dictated by the plan because apparently presidents go to Ivy League colleges and Moorhurst isn’t good enough.

I’ll be going to college somewhere else. I can’t come back here. There are too many memories. Plus Yale isn’t that far from Moorhurst and Garret and I need distance between us or we both know we’d try to sneak out and see each other.

I’ve already sent out applications to other schools. I haven’t heard back yet so I don’t know where I’ll end up. And I’m not sure how I’ll afford it. Arlin always said he wanted to pay for my college, but now that he’s gone I don’t know what will happen. I’m not going to ask Grace about it, especially so soon after Arlin’s death.

Garret and his family attended Arlin’s funeral last Saturday. Garret said there were so many people at the church that some people had to stand. I probably could’ve gone and hid in the back but I’m glad I didn’t. I prefer that image I have of Arlin sailing in the clouds.

Today is the start of final exams and the physics final is my first one. As I walk to class I remember how I felt when I arrived here last September. I was so afraid I wouldn’t do well in my classes. I never would’ve guessed that the classes would be the easiest part of college.

I get to class right as the professor begins handing out the final. The answers come easily to me and I’m the first one to finish it. My brain has been really fired up this past week. I guess it was trying to occupy itself with school so it wouldn’t have to think about all the other stuff going on.

Carson turns in his final just seconds after I do and follows me out the door to the outside. “I haven’t seen you around all week. Where have you been?”

“Just hiding out studying. The dorms are too noisy. I had to get out of there.”

I’m not in the mood to talk to him but he keeps following me as I walk back to the dorm.

“Is something wrong?” He’s got his conspiracy tone going. I hope he’s not getting ready to tell me a new story about Garret’s family. He hasn’t said a word about them since Garret and I broke up, which just confirms that he was only telling me that stuff so I’d stop dating Garret. A few weeks ago Carson asked me out. He wanted to take me to dinner and a movie. As usual, he claimed it wasn’t a date but just two friends hanging out. I said no, of course, and after that, he gave up asking me out.

Knowing Carson, he’s probably still trying to find out what’s going on with Garret’s family and their company but I can’t worry about it anymore.

“Nothing’s wrong, Carson. I’m just tired from all the studying.”

“When are you done with finals?”

“Wednesday. Thursday I’m packing and Friday I’m flying home.”

“Are you leaving your stuff in storage?”

“I don’t have much stuff. Mainly clothes.”

“What about your car?”

Carson asks way too many questions. He’s a nice guy but his constant prying gets on my nerves.

“A friend of mine is going to drive it out later,” I say, hoping he won’t ask for the friend’s name. The truth is that I’m packing the car with all my stuff and a guy will come get the car a week from today and drive it to California. Before he died, Arlin hired the driver for me. It’s the guy he uses for his own cars. Apparently rich people do this all the time. They prefer to fly long distances and have their car delivered.

“Maybe we could meet up this summer,” Carson says. “I’ll be in Des Moines in July to visit my grandma.”

“I won’t be there. I’m spending the summer in California.”

“Without Garret? I thought you weren’t going since you guys broke up.”

“I’m still going. Harper and her boyfriend are renting the place next to mine.”

“Then I guess after Friday I won’t see you until September.”

“Yeah. Probably not.”

We say goodbye and he goes to his dorm and I go in mine. Carson will be the first person to investigate why I’m not here next fall. Truthfully, he’ll be the only one who cares. Nobody else will even notice. Except Harper. I haven’t decided what to tell her yet. But I have all summer with her, so it’s not like I have to tell her this week.

I haven’t told Frank and Ryan my plans either, and I’m not going to until I know for sure where I’m going in the fall. If I told them now, they’d ask too many questions and I don’t have the energy to come up with a story they’ll believe. I’ll tell them later when all this is over.

The week continues with more finals during the day and more campouts at night with Garret. We only sleep a couple hours each night. There’s no time for sleep. As much as I don’t want to believe it, this could be our last week together and just the thought of that makes me want to savor each moment we have left.

Part of our nights are spent being together physically, but most of our time is spent lying in each other’s arms talking. Telling each other things that bring us even closer. Things we wouldn’t tell others. Things we probably wouldn’t have told each other for a very long time, but now time is running out and we have to fit it all in during these last few days. I want to know everything about Garret, even though I may never see him again after this week.

He tells me more about his mom and all the stuff he went through after she died. He tells me a story about when he was 14 and got drunk for the first time. He came stumbling home and his dad pretended to not even notice and that’s when he assumed his dad didn’t care about him anymore. That single incident started the years of drinking he now regrets.

Tonight we’re on the topic of my mom. I don’t know why but for some reason I tell him a story about when I was 8 and had the flu and threw up on the carpet because I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. I was so sick I could barely move, but my mom made me scrub the carpet until it was clean. I hated her for it. Part of me still does. Maybe that’s why I told Garret that story. Maybe by telling him I can move on and not be so angry about it.

“Okay, your turn,” I say. “Tell me something else. Anything.”

We’ve been taking turns telling each other stuff. I wait for him to talk, but he doesn’t. Instead he looks at me like he wants to say something but isn’t sure if he should.

“Go ahead,” I tell him.

“Jade. . . did you love your mom?”

I stare back at him, surprised that he would even think to ask me something like that, especially after I just told him that story about her.

Deep down I know the answer to that question, but I’ve never admitted it to myself because it’s wrong and crazy and makes absolutely no sense. And I’m not sure why Garret even cares. What difference does it make?

“Jade?” He’s still waiting for me to respond, sitting across from me holding both my hands.

I notice that I’m shaking a little as I nod. “Yes. I loved her.” I pick my arm up and use my sleeve to quickly wipe away a tear. “Why are you even asking me that?”

“Because I think you needed to hear yourself say it.”

I don’t respond because now I’m pissed I said it at all.

He reaches for the hand that’s now in my lap. “It’s okay, you know. You can love her even after everything she did to you.”

“No, it’s not okay!” I rip my hands from his and scoot back a little, hugging my knees to my chest while a few more tears manage to escape my eyes. “She doesn’t deserve it. She deserves nothing but hate from me.”

He comes over and wraps me tightly in his arms so I can’t pull away despite my all-out effort to do so.

I’m so angry. Not at Garret, but at myself for saying I loved her. I give up fighting him and just let my body relax into his.

“I shouldn’t have loved her. It’s wrong.” I keep my head down against his chest. “But I did. And I don’t know why.”

“Because she was your mom,” Garret says softly.

It’s true. It seems like the reason should be more complex than that but it’s not. She was my mom and as horrible as she was to me, I’m her child and children love their moms. And I loved her because even as a child, I knew she was struggling with some kind of deep, devastating pain that never went away and I wished more than anything that I could help her somehow. Now I know the cause of her pain and the reason she acted that way, but it’s still hard for me to say that I loved her.

“Jade. Can I ask you something else?”

“Yeah.”

He hesitates, then asks, “Are you afraid to have kids someday because you think you’ll treat them like your mom treated you?”

It’s another question I didn’t expect and one I’ve never even asked myself. I feel Garret’s arm muscles tense up as he prepares for me to try to yank away from him again.

But I keep still and take a moment to think about his question. It doesn’t take long for me to realize that he’s right. I’m scared to death I would abuse my child the way my mom abused me. Not that I would hit a child, but that I might say the same awful things my mom said to me. The words that used to haunt me until Garret came along and stopped them.

I don’t look at him when I answer. “Yes.”

And that’s all we say about it.

But he’s given me something to think about. How did Garret know this about me when I didn’t even realize it myself? Because he gets me. That’s why. He gets everything about me and I’ll never meet anyone ever again who understands me like he does. He knows who I was last year and who I am now, and he was at my side for that journey and is the reason I went on it in the first place. That’s how I know that this thing we have between us can never be replicated with someone else. This is it. And soon it’s going to end.

* * *

On Thursday Garret finds out that the organization’s meeting next Monday is definitely about his future. He’s not allowed to attend the meeting, but his dad will be there. Garret’s going home on Friday at noon and once he’s there he isn’t allowed to leave the house until after the decision has been made. It’s a mandate from the organization.

At the meeting they’ll take a vote and Garret’s fate will be decided. If the plan is approved by a majority of the members, his every action from that point forward will be decided for him.

Friday morning Garret and I get up early like we’ve been doing so we can sneak back in the dorm.

“I guess this is it.” I fold up one of the blankets and start on another. I sound cheery for some reason. I guess I’m trying to deny this is really happening. “You need help packing up all this stuff?”

“No. I’ll do it later.” Garret doesn’t sound cheery at all and his serious tone knocks me back to the cold hard reality I don’t want to exist. He takes the blanket from me and throws it on the ground. “Jade, don’t act like this is over.”

“I’m not. I just wanted to help clean up.” The cheerful tone returns as I fight against that damn reality.

I go to roll up the sleeping bags but he grabs me around my waist and draws me into him. “This will all work out, Jade. I promise.”

“That’s just mean!” I shove on his chest but he won’t let me go. “You know that’s not true! Why would you even say something like that?”

“Because it’s what I believe, so I’m saying it.”

He’s holding me so tight that it’s no use fighting him but I still try. I don’t know why. It’s not like I want him to let me go. But that fucking reality is now staring me in the face, ripping at my heart, and being this close to him, being in his arms . . . it’s killing me. I can’t do it a second longer.

“Let me go.”

“Don’t be this way. This isn’t the end.”

My gaze remains on the ground. I can’t look at him. “Yeah, whatever. I’ll make sure to vote for you in 20 years.”

“Hey.” He pulls back a little and nudges my chin up. “Stop it. You’re trying to shut your feelings off just like the old Jade would. You’re trying to push me away and I won’t let you do it. This is the last—”

“Last time we’ll see each other? Yeah, exactly. So much for the promise you just made.”

All of a sudden, a rush of emotion shocks my system, flooding every cell and I can’t stop it. I don’t where it came from and why it’s happening now when I’m trying so hard to be strong. Tears well up in my eyes and my throat burns as I struggle to keep the tears from falling.

“I was going to say it’s the last time I’ll see you until I get to California.” Garret smiles at me and for a second I believe that he really will see me in California, but then I come to my senses.

“You’re not going to California. They’ll probably make you spend another summer in DC learning how to be a politician. Going to fundraisers and—”

“Jade, stop.” He hugs me even closer, pressing my cheek against his chest and kissing the top of my head. “We’ll see each other again.” Even though his voice is strong, I feel him trembling a little as he holds me. “You’re not getting rid of me.”

“Maybe I’m ready to get rid of you.” I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of him one last time. “Being with you is exhausting.” It comes out sounding funny for some strange reason. I don’t even know why I said it. It sounds like something stupid I would’ve said before all this happened.

He gently pushes me back to face him. “What are you talking about? Being with me is awesome and you know it.” He gives me the cocky smile that only he could get away with and it somehow lightens the mood. And for just a moment I let myself go back to the way things used to be between us, before we started counting the minutes to the end, because I miss those times so bad and I’d do anything to get them back.

Garret keeps talking. “I make you laugh. I buy you the world’s best chocolate. I have sex with you whenever you ask. I keep my body in shape for your visual pleasure. I—”

“Are you done complimenting yourself? Because I could give you a whole list of things that need work.” I really can’t think of anything he needs to work on. I love him exactly the way he is, but I try to find something to prove my point. “Like you could really use a haircut. The bad-boy Garret look isn’t working for you.”

“See? There’s no way you could go the rest of your life without giving me one of your insults.”

He lets me go and I get the feeling he wants to end this now, while we’re still in this make-believe happy place. While the mood is light and not so sad.

But I’m not ready for it to end.

I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I can’t do this. I can’t.

Garret takes both my hands in his. “So I’ll see you later, okay?” He uses an upbeat tone, but his face is serious and struggling to form even the slightest smile.

My heart is running fast, skipping beats, like it’s in total distress.

I need more time.

This can’t be the end.

But it is.

And I need to say goodbye.

I swallow hard past the giant lump in my throat, begging my eyes not to cry. “Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

I turn to leave, but Garret keeps hold of one of my hands. “Hey.”

I turn back around.

“Before you go. One more thing.” His beautiful blue eyes are wet now, ready to drop tears at any second. It just confirms that he, too, believes this is the end, no matter what he says.

“Yeah?” I bite my bottom lip hard to keep from crying.

“I love you, Jade Taylor.” He smiles even though a tear is running down his face. “I always will.”

I somehow manage to smile back, tears now pouring from my eyes. “I love you, too, Garret Kensington. I’ll love you forever.”

With those final words, I tear my hand from his and run out of the tent, through the woods and up the hill to the trail, not looking back.

When I get to my room, I cry like I’ve never cried before, hoping it will help relieve all the hurt, loss, and sadness I’m feeling. But it doesn’t. It’s going to take a long time to feel better. A really long time. Even so, I tell myself that I’m not going to cry about this after today. I knew this was coming and crying about it doesn’t make it any easier.

I have to accept that this chapter of my life is closing. And I’ll be okay. I’ll move on, just like I did after my mom’s suicide.

I’m strong and I can get past this.