Page 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

“You slept with Ava?”

Anger is growing inside me so fast I feel like I’m losing all control over it. I need to get it out of me. I need to run. It’s cold out, but I have to get rid of this anger. I go to my drawer and pull out a sports bra and my running pants.

Garret meets me at the dresser. “Jade, just let me explain.”

“What’s there to explain? You slept with the girl I hate more than anyone else at this school.” I turn my back to him and rip my shirt off. I quickly switch bras, then yank my jeans off and try to maneuver my legs into the tiny opening of my running pants.

“Would you just stop for a second?” He spins me around and puts his hands on my shoulders. “It was a long time ago. I wasn’t even the same person back then.”

My tight running pants are nearly impossible to get on from a standing position and it’s even harder when Garret’s holding me down like this. My pants aren’t even up to my knees when he scoops me up and places me on the bed, sitting me up against the headboard.

“I need to pull my pants up. I can’t move my legs.”

“Good. It will force you to listen.” He holds my arms by my side. “You can’t get mad at me over stuff from my past. I didn’t tell you about Ava because it was four years ago and I only dated her for a few weeks. We had sex one time. That’s it. The rest of the time we just hung out at parties and drank. I don’t even remember taking her out on a real date. It was nothing. She’s making it sound like more than that to create drama for the show.”

“So you never took her on a date, but you had sex with her? That’s great to hear.”

“I was drunk when it happened. It was at a party. We went in a room and things went too far.”

“Was she your first?” I can barely look at him. Just thinking about him with Ava makes my chest tighten up. “You were only 15, so I guess she had to be.”

He looks down and shakes his head side to side. “No, she wasn’t my first.”

“I probably don’t want to know the answer to this, but when exactly was your first time? Were you younger than 15? Please say no.”

“I had just turned 15. I was at a summer leadership camp up in Maine. The girl was from Boston. She was 17 and we never talked again after that week.”

“And Ava was after that?”

“No. There was another girl. I met her when I was with my family in the Bahamas for Thanksgiving.”

“Garret! What the hell? Why were you sleeping with all these girls when you were 15?”

He finally looks at me. “Because I was 15! I wasn’t exactly thinking with my head! After the first time, I just wanted to do it again, so when opportunities came up I took them. I didn’t have much parental involvement back then. My dad and Katherine acted like I didn’t exist. They didn’t even notice when I ran off and did stuff. I didn’t have a curfew. I could basically stay out all night. My dad got stricter when I started drinking more, but that didn’t really change how I acted. I just had to be more careful so I wouldn’t get caught.”

“Is that why you never talk about high school? Because you don’t want me knowing about all the girls you were with?”

“I don’t want you judging me for stuff that happened back then. I told you I used to drink a lot. And people do stupid shit when they’re drunk. But I’m not like that anymore.”

“I know you’re not, but people keep talking about you, telling me these stories about you from high school, and I hate that they know this stuff and I don’t. I shouldn’t have to hear about it from other people, or read about it in some gossip magazine. You should tell me yourself. You know all about my past, so why won’t you tell me about yours?”

“First of all, I hardly know anything about your past. You never talk about it. And as for my own past, I’m ashamed of it, okay? And normally I wouldn’t give a shit because I really don’t care what people think of me.” Garret loosens his hold on my arms and slides his hands down around mine. “But I care what you think of me. That’s why I didn’t want you to know about it.”

A sadness comes over me as I see him in front of me, wanting so desperately for me to forget about this and just move on. But I can’t and I’m not sure why. Maybe because my mind is imagining Ava and Garret together, wondering if he’s still lying to me. Wondering if there’s more he’s not telling me. Thinking about that makes my anger return, but I don’t want to yell at him so I hold it inside.

“One of those articles said you dated Ava senior year, but you told me you didn’t, so which is it?” I hear the anger in my voice. So much for hiding it.

“She’s lying.” He looks me right in the eye when he says it. “I swear to you. Ava and I did not date last year. I saw her at school, but we barely talked. She’s making up stories for the show.” He sighs. “Jade, I’m sorry. I don’t understand why she’s involving me like this. I’ll talk to my dad and see if his lawyers can get it to stop.” He glances down at my hands, which he’s still holding loosely in his. “Just don’t be mad at me.”

My body is desperate to move. I yank my hands free and push on his chest. “Let me up. I need to put a shirt on.”

Garret gets off the bed and I pull my pants on the rest of the way. He takes a long sleeve t-shirt from my dresser and tosses it to me.

“So are we okay?” he asks, keeping his distance.

“I don’t know.” I yank the shirt over my head and shove my arms in the sleeves. “I just wish you’d told me this. It only makes me wonder what else you’re not telling me.”

“Jade, I’m not purposely trying to hide things from you. I mean, yes, I hid the Ava thing, but I wasn’t doing it on purpose. It was so long ago I hardly even remember it.”

“I don’t know how you can forget the fact that you slept with someone, especially when that someone was acting as your fake girlfriend last semester.” I put my running shoes on and sit on the bed to tie them. “You should’ve told me, Garret.”

“Why? So you could get pissed at me about something that happened four years ago?” I don’t answer. “And how exactly was I supposed to tell you this?”

I get up and stand in front of him. “You just tell me. It’s not that hard.”

He raises his voice. “Are you kidding me? What the fuck? That’s not something you just bring up at dinner! Oh, by the way, you know Ava, that girl you hate so much? Yeah, I had sex with her when I was 15.” He waits for me to respond, but I keep quiet. “Seriously, Jade? That’s what you wanted to hear?”

“I can’t talk about this anymore.” I go around him to my desk.

He catches my wrist. “I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know what else to say.”

I grab my keys and walk to the door. He follows me out into the hall, looking like he doesn’t want to leave things this way. But there’s nothing more to say. I know the truth and I don’t like it. Now I just need to find a way to accept it.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“I told you. I’m going running.” I close my door, locking it.

“It’s freezing out. You need a jacket. And some gloves.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.” I turn to leave, then stop. “Actually, I can’t see you tonight. I’ll be with Carson. We have to work on our lab paper.”

He tenses up hearing Carson’s name, but pretends it doesn’t bother him. “Stop by my room when you’re done.”

“It’ll be too late. I’ll just see you tomorrow.” I go out the door to the outside and Garret remains behind. He’s probably confused and a little hurt, but I feel the same way so I don’t care. Let him feel that way. He deserves it after not telling me he slept with Ava.

I take off running, not sure where I’m going. I end up on the road that leads to town, which I never run on but right now I just want to get away from campus.

My mind is so consumed with thoughts of Garret and Ava that I forget all about the time. When I get back to Moorhurst, I have no time for dinner. It’s not like I’m hungry anyway after hearing the Ava news. I take a quick shower, then hurry to the library to meet Carson.

“Where’s Garret tonight?” Carson asks as we’re setting up our laptops.

“He’s in his room doing homework.” I actually have no idea what he’s doing, but it’s the first lie that comes to mind.

“When I was at the gym earlier I saw him going to the pool. I thought he couldn’t swim with his injury.”

“He can swim. He just can’t swim for hours like he used to.” I start searching my laptop for the outline file I started so we can make this meeting as short as possible. I want to get back to the dorm and talk to Harper about the Garret situation.

“So how exactly did he injure himself? I don’t think you ever told me.”

“What?” I glance up, irritated by his nonstop questions. “Sorry, I didn’t hear what you asked me.” I open an outline file, but it’s for the wrong class. I really need to label my files better.

“How did Garret hurt his shoulder or chest or whatever he hurt?”

“He was shot.” I blurt it out, then freeze as I realize what I’ve said. “I mean, he shot himself. Cleaning his gun.” I’m talking fast and I’m sure Carson knows I’m lying. I forget about my file search and focus on what Garret’s dad told me to say should this topic ever come up.

Carson’s watching me like one of those private detectives on TV, examining my face for any clues that I might be lying. “What do you mean he was shot? Who shot him?”

A nervous laugh comes out. “Nobody shot him. He shot himself cleaning his gun. And he’s really embarrassed about it, so don’t tell anyone. And don’t say anything to Garret.”

“What kind of gun was it?”

“How should I know? I don’t know anything about guns. He was hunting, so whatever you use for those.” Now I’m off script. Garret’s dad didn’t say what type of gun and he definitely didn’t mention hunting. Why wasn’t he more specific? He should know that people will ask these questions.

“Hunters use shotguns. You’re saying Garret shot himself in the chest with a shotgun? So he was aiming it at himself when he cleaned it? That doesn’t make sense.”

“I really don’t know how it happened. Maybe it wasn’t a shotgun. Can we just work on the outline? I started a file but I can’t find it.”

“Does Garret have other types of guns? Like handguns?”

“I don’t know. I don’t ask.”

“He has a bad temper, Jade. That night at the party he was really out of control. And if he has guns, then you never know what will happen if he—”

I grip his forearm. “Carson, trust me. Garret’s not going to kill me with a shotgun or any other type of gun, so you have nothing to worry about.” I finally click on the file we need.

Carson starts to ask me more about Garret, but I cut him off and talk nonstop about the assignment. I just want to get out of here.

After a couple hours we finalize the outline and walk back to the dorms together. I prepare myself for another one of his Garret lectures, but instead Carson tells me some story about this girl he went to high school with who is now in a semi-famous band. Luckily, we make it back to the dorms without a single mention of Garret.

Harper’s not in her room when I get back. I consider going up to see Garret, but I don’t. I’m still too pissed off at him. He left five messages on my phone and I delete all of them without even listening to what they said. Around 10 he stops by my room.

“I’m going to sleep,” I say, standing at the door. “You should, too. You look tired.”

“I can’t sleep if you’re mad at me. Let’s just talk. Can I come in?”

I step aside, letting him go past me.

“Tell me what you want, Jade.”

“You sound like Katherine. Are you thinking you can buy me something and I’ll forget about the fact that you lied to me? Again?”

“I didn’t lie. I—” He stops, knowing that I consider withholding the truth to be lying. “And no, I’m not trying to buy you anything. I’m just trying to figure out what you want me to do here. I can’t go back and change the past.”

“Did you sleep with Ava last October?”

He looks confused so I explain.

“That night I saw you and her coming out of that room at the Halloween party. Did something happen that night?

“No! I told you repeatedly that nothing happened. We went in there to talk because I couldn’t hear with the music. You seriously think I did something with her?”

“Now that I know your history I’m not sure. You and I weren’t sleeping together back then, so maybe you turned to Ava to meet your needs.”

He runs his hand through his hair and stares down at the floor. “That’s real nice, Jade. Good to know you think so highly of me.”

“Well, I didn’t think you were the type of person who would have sex at 15 either. But you did. With three different girls!” The sex word comes out just fine that time. Probably because I’m so angry.

“Yeah. And people never change, right, Jade? They never grow up? So you’re the same now as you were when you were 15? Or is your logic just true for me?”

“I’m sick of finding this shit out about you, Garret! From other people instead of you. Why won’t you just tell me about your past? Have you slept with other girls at this school? Like Sierra? You went to homecoming with her, so I assume that’s a yes.”

His gaze remains on the floor. “I didn’t sleep with Sierra.”

“Then who else did you sleep with?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He says it slowly, his jaw clenched. “Just stop this.”

“At that party we went to, Shafer said you’d slept with half the girls there. I thought he was kidding, but for all I know he was telling the truth.”

Garret looks up. “So now you’re believing a guy you hardly know who was so fucking drunk he could barely stand up?”

“He went to high school with you, so he knows more about your dating history than I do.”

Garret sighs. “You need to let this go. It’s the past. It’s over. And I can’t go back and change it.”

We both get quiet. And as we stand there in silence I’m overcome with a mix of emotions and thoughts I don’t fully understand. I love Garret so damn much and yet I want to punish him and that fills me with guilt and pain—emotions I know far too well and do everything to avoid. So then I get angry at Garret, because the reason I’m feeling this way is because he withheld stuff from me. Again.

I finally speak. “I want a list.”

“A list of what?”

“A list of everyone you’ve slept with. I don’t want any more surprises.”

He shakes his head as he folds his arms across his chest. “No. Forget it. That won’t help. It’ll just make it worse.”

“You asked me what I wanted and I’m telling you. I want a list. Write it up tonight and give it to me tomorrow.”

“I promise you, Jade. It won’t make you feel any better. You’ll be even more pissed off than you are right now.”

“Why? Do I know any of the girls on this list?” He doesn’t answer, which infuriates me even more. “I’m not going out with you again until you give me the list.”

My heart is pounding in my chest and my brain is screaming at me to stop this. To take a minute to think about what I’m asking. But all rational thought goes to hell when I’m this angry. The old Jade comes creeping back, the one who trusts no one and will do anything to just make these feelings go away. And she refuses to listen to the part of me that knows this is wrong.

Garret stands there, not saying a word. He’s just looking at me with such intensity that it’s like he’s trying to get in my head and force me to change my mind.

When I don’t back down, he storms out of my room, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

The next day Garret avoids me, which is good because we both need to cool off before seeing other again. After dinner, I go to Harper’s room to tell her the Ava story. She’s been staying with Sean since all this happened so I haven’t been able to talk to her until now.

“So he slept with her,” Harper says. “He was 15. Guys are like animals at that age. They don’t think about anything but sex. And once they get it, they’ll take it from anyone. If Ava offered it to him, I’m not surprised he did it with her, especially if he was drunk at the time.”

“But he didn’t tell me about it! I’m almost more angry about that than the fact that he slept with her. Wouldn’t you be mad if Sean didn’t tell you about his past like that?”

“No. I don’t want to know about the other girls he’s been with. And I don’t want him knowing about the guys I’ve been with. It’s the past. It doesn’t matter.”

“Ava’s not the past. She’s acting like she’s back with Garret. And if I wasn’t around, she probably would be.”

“Garret’s not interested in her. You know that, Jade. You also know that he loves you more than anything. So you need to stop being mad at him about this and just let it go.”

There’s a knock on the door and she gets up to answer it. Garret is standing there holding a piece of paper that’s been folded in half.

“Ready to talk?” His voice lacks any kind of emotion and I don’t know how to interrupt that. His body is angled in the direction of my room like he wants to hurry up and get this over with, or more likely just leave and not do this at all.

I hesitate, but Harper gives me her talk-to-him-or-else look, so I get up and Garret and I go back to my room.

We stand next to my desk and he offers me the piece of paper. As I take it, he holds onto it. “You sure you want to do this?”

I don’t answer, because truthfully I’m not sure. This was probably a really stupid request and I’m sure I’ll regret it later. But knowing that doesn’t stop me from taking the sheet of paper.

I unfold it and find a long list of names. I quickly count them. Sixteen. He’s been with 16 girls, not counting me.

My stomach knots as I review the names. Ava is third on the list and was also the third girl he slept with. I wonder if the whole list is chronologically ordered. How would he even remember the order? Sixteen girls? That’s a lot to remember. As I scan the names I don’t recognize any of them except Ava. Until I spot the very last name on the list. Sadie Sinclair. My half sister.